# I'm getting married!



## crystal (May 19, 2011)

My now finance proposed on Saturday and of course I said yes. Well actually at first I was so shocked I said "oh no" but then I said "I mean yes!". My fiance's name is James and we have been together for almost 5 years.

I don't know anyone from here really well so its probably not majorly exciting news to anyone but I thought it could be good to start a thread to seek impartial advice. 

If you are married or have been married, what do you wish someone had told you about planning a wedding and about married life?

And I would like to know what worked well for your wedding day and if you could change anything what would it be?


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## GorbyJobRabbits (May 19, 2011)

I am jealous. 

Do you guys already live together? because if so, I don't think married life should change anything from that. 

I wish I were more help, and if you keep posting I'd love to chit chat about it!

Do you know about when you have decided to get hitched?


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## Luv Buns (May 19, 2011)

Congrats! I cant help on the wedding part much because I got married at a tiny little wedding chapel place with only 4 people with me. lol. I wish I had done a bigger wedding but at the time it wasnt fesable for me. I got married in KY and moved to PA in the same day. 

About married life, I wish I'd known dating and married life are very different but still good in a new way.


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## kirst3buns (May 19, 2011)

Congratulations! :toast:

For me, the wedding was about celebrating our day with family and friends and we planned it that way. We chose a pretty traditional wedding because that's what many friends and family expected but we also did things that we liked. 

I guess if I had any piece of advice it would be that if something does go wrong, don't worry too much about it. I went to one wedding where the band showed up at least an hour late for the reception and the bride was so upset she spent most of the evening in the restroom crying. No one at the reception was all that upset about the band and would have preferred that she spend her time mingling with the guests and celebrating. Sometimes the things that you think are a big deal on your wedding day really aren't. Just remember that your guests on your wedding day are there to help you celebrate and aren't as worried about everything being perfect as you are.


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## Bluesmaven (May 19, 2011)

Congrats Crystal! I've been married 3 times. The first one ended in divorce after 20 years of marriage. He worked days and I worked nights and we had different days off and that did NOT work. After a while we didn't know each other anymore. My 2nd marriage ended when my husband had a fatal heart attack in his sleep. We'd only been married 3 years. I am now married to my 3rd husband and we are staying close and eating healthy.

Wedding #1 was the big formal thing in our church with lots of family and friends and dad walking me down the aisle. $$$$$

Wedding #2 was less formal still in a church but in the parlor with select family and friends and we walked down the aisle together to the sound of a favorite guitar player playing a beautiful piece of music instead of the wedding march. $$

Wedding #3 was the least formal of all in a cabin in Eureka Springs AR with no family or friends no aisle, just a minister. $$

All 3 were great and all 3 had beautiful pictures and great memories.

My advice to you would be do what the 2 of you want. It's your day. Plan it together, oddly enough, grooms don't like to miss out on the planning ; the shopping,yes, but not the planning. LOL


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## nermal71 (May 19, 2011)

Think before you share after an argument. One misspoken word repeated to your parents can totally shatter their opinion of your spouse. The comment he made in anger which he didn't mean when repeated can cause lasting problems. Just when you do argue let yourself cool off before you seek advice. And then be very careful on what the details are that you do share.


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## MiniLopHop (May 19, 2011)

Congratulations!

I have been married for 12 years and we are still in love.

We had a small out door wedding that was very informal. It was a great time celebrating with friends. I think the whole thing was less than $1,000.

My mother has been married 4 times. I was determined that would not be me. So, before the wedding I sat down and was brutally honest. The pros/cons of my fience. Ofcourse the pros won, but the important part was looking at the cons. Could I live with them for the rest of my life just as they were? Too many people get into situations where they thought they could change the other person. That never works.

Another weird piece of advice, argue while cuddling. It's hard to get too wound up and nasty if you are snuggled in bed together. It keeps the volume down and prevents many harsh words that you can never take back. Plus then it's easier to jump to the make-up yeah.


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## myheart (May 19, 2011)

Respect each other. I think that was the biggest thing that I learned from my short marriage. He couldn't respect my need to run a small business, and I didn't respect him enough to acknowlege his need to have his ego stroked, even if it were for something seemingly small to me. Also, don't forget to say, "Thank you" often, and be thoughtful towards each other.


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## Nancy McClelland (May 19, 2011)

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS1111 We've been married for 35 years this August and doesn't hardly seem like it was more than yesterday. Don't have much to add in the way of advice except to say life is a journey that should be enjoyed, so have fun and keep the busybodies (family) at a distance. My wife's mother is a pill and is now living with us and she's as much a jackass now as she was then. Hopefully, you have a better family.


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## SnowyShiloh (May 20, 2011)

Congrats! I got married last summer. My advice to you is to keep the wedding small. Ours only had 26 guests but even that proved to be incredibly stressful- so much preparation was involved that I honestly think it wouldn't have been much different having 100 guests. If we were going to do it again, we would have eloped. The wedding was beautiful, but it was such a huge relief to have it over with. A couple friends are getting married this summer and I don't envy them.


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## TinysMom (May 20, 2011)

Art & I have been married for over 30 years now and I have to say that probably 1/3 of that time was pretty miserable. Sorry - but its the honest truth.

Somehow - I felt like it was my job to correct him and change him and make him be like "So and so's husband" who is just wonderful - or to be like someone else who had a completely different temperament.

I mean - its the wife's job to "smother" her husband....right?

NOPE.

My husband is now my best friend. I try to take any criticisms about him to God in prayer and to take any compliments directly to my husband. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn was that he didn't always have to be right if he was talking in public.

For instance - let's say he's telling a story and he mentions that it happened on date X and I know it was on date Y....why correct him in public? Why correct him at all? I just think its wonderful that he's telling the story - know what I mean? 

I also have tried to learn his "love language" (which is touch) and although I'm not a touch-oriented person - I try to remember to touch him or rub his back when I walk by him at the computer - stuff like that.

I've found that the less I worry about "my rights" in our marriage and the less I worry about "me" and the more I focus on "we" and what is best for US...the happier I tend to be.

Anyway - that's way more than you wanted I know...

Congrats on your plans to get married!


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## TinysMom (May 20, 2011)

I hope Shiloh is ok with me doing this - I thought her wedding was so neat and the candy buffet at the reception seemed like such a cool idea.

Here is a link to what she shared with us of her wedding:

Snowy Shiloh's Wedding Thread


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## Luv Buns (May 20, 2011)

nermal71 wrote:


> Think before you share after an argument. One misspoken word repeated to your parents can totally shatter their opinion of your spouse. The comment he made in anger which he didn't mean when repeated can cause lasting problems. Just when you do argue let yourself cool off before you seek advice. And then be very careful on what the details are that you do share.



*Very very true. It also works in reverse. (At least with my husband. If my family has made me upset or mad about something I have to cool off first before I talk about it or bring "Dramtics into it" and cause issues. Even though my husband and family are as close as blood it can still cause offences.*




> * TinysMom: *
> My husband is now my best friend. I try to take any criticisms about him to God in prayer and to take any compliments directly to my husband. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn was that he didn't always have to be right if he was talking in public.
> 
> For instance - let's say he's telling a story and he mentions that it happened on date X and I know it was on date Y....why correct him in public? Why correct him at all? I just think its wonderful that he's telling the story - know what I mean?
> ...



*Amen! I had a friend that felt she ALWAYS had to correct her husband when he was telling storys. It not only made issues for them, it made others uncomfy when they would argue over it. I have the "love language" issues myself. I'm a touchie and hes a words. Where I want cuddles his I LOVE YOU says it all. Constantly remembering the other persons needs is a bigggie. 


Also, if your soon to be says "IM FINE" when you know hes acting a bit off - give him a little time to figure it out for himself. Sometimes they dont even know whats wrong. If he gets over it he might tell you later, or after a while you can ask again. I find after they are back to normal-ish acting my husband is ready to talk.*


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## Yurusumaji (May 20, 2011)

First of all, congratulations!

The best thing for my marriage has been compromise and it's something I work on constantly, as does my husband. I do my best to find ways to make us both happy. For example, recently my husband's friend wanted to come over, but I had been planning on doing the rabbit room that day and I needed hubby's help with lifting. At first I said no, but then I realized there was plenty of time to do it and I was being a little selfish. Hubby's friend came over that day and we finished the rabbit room the day after that. It seems so simple now, but when you spend everyday and make every decision with another person sometimes the smallest things can cause the biggest problems. My compromises speak loudly to my husband to let him know I'm trying my best to make sure everyone is satisfied.

Hubbs and I talk everything out and we don't hide words. When we get mad at each other we're very clear about why we're arguing so there's no confusion and we don't pretend everything is unicorns and rainbows, since it isn't. You can often hear myself and hubbs saying stuff to each other like, "Sometimes I think about assassinating you in your sleep." These things are always said once the fight is over and we've calmed down and we always say them with smiles on our faces and laughter in our hearts, even though we're being totally serious. :rofl:

We got married quietly and happily in the courthouse. We're Air Force so I had just moved across the country and there was no family or friends around since we'd only been here for a couple weeks. I don't regret not doing the big, flashy ceremony. We made some great memories and we're so happy that I don't really feel we missed out on anything.


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## JadeIcing (Jun 2, 2011)

Be honest. This is the most important thing. Don't dwell on problems. They will get bigger than they are. Don't lie even white lies. They are just as bad. Be able to forgive almost anything. (Sorry somethings I will NOT forgive). I have been married for almost 6 years and though I may want to kill him at times I love him more each day.


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## LuellaJean (Jun 2, 2011)

I highly recommend pre-marital counseling. And, you should always pick your battles- It's seriously not worth arguing about who forgot to put paper towels on the grocery list. And I had a small wedding, just the way I wanted, without going into debt, which is what I would suggest to you, unless you have saved up or have a wealthy parent, or have dreamed of a movie wedding your whole life (I'm a tomboy- I never ever ever thought about my wedding as a child lol). CONGRATULATIONS!


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## Wilowisp (Jun 6, 2011)

Congrats! I know marital life can have its ups and downs, but it really is a wonderful thing. 

I would love to have a small, seclusive wedding at a beautiful location...I would love to do something different and fun for everyone. Like my aunt for example: she had a medieval themed wedding and the pictures look amazing - I'm sure they had a blast, it was so unique! 

My parents have been through thick and thin (22 years!)...and from watching their relationship, I say the biggest thing is to be 100% communicative. If you have to say something, be completely honest and don't hold it in - if something bothers you, tell him calmly the minute it happens so you two can settle it or compromise. Patience is also key. 
I hope you two have a great wedding!


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## fuzz16 (Jun 7, 2011)

the tip my mom gave me and all her friends swear by it...the first 15 years of MARRAIGE are the hardest. If you can get through that its smooth sailing from there.

Pick your battles...learned that from my toddler but it applies to relationships too


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