# Jokes!



## JadeIcing

This will be for off color and naughty jokes. 

:biggrin2:

> > I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was
met with, "Hi! I'm
> > Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from
ear to ear, tilted
> > her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you
to do is step into
>this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn
slip on this
> > gown. Everything clearrrr?"
> >
> > I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't
rocket science."
> >
> > Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.
> >
> > Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this
machine. It takes a
> > perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size
38-LONG in less than 60
> > seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and
spice and everything
> > nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled
and twisted over a
> > cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop
back into shape.
> >
> > With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the
> > left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy
toes and lean in a
> > tad so we can get everything?"
> >
> > Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out
of air, so why not
> > use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck
an d finish me off?
> >
> > My body was in a holding pattern that defied
gravity (with my other
> > boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square
glass) when we
> > heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the
power went off!
> > "What?" I yelled.
> >
> > "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for
> > the door.
> >
> > "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise
alone, are you?" I
> > shouted.
> >
> > Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy
... the door's wide
> > open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.
I'll be righttttt
> > backkkk."
> >
> > Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And
that's exactly how
> > Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire,
found me, half-naked
> > and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and
the other part
> > smashed between glass! After exchanging polite
"Hi, how's it going"
> > type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to
my utter
> > disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
> >
> > Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as
much calmness as
> > possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
> >
> > "You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved
good-bye as though I'd
> > been standing in the line at the grocery store.
> >
> > Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a
sheepish grin and making
>
> > no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said.
"Oh I am soooo sorry!
> > The power came back on and I totally forgot about
you! And silly me, I
>
> > went to lunch. Are we upset?"
> >
> > And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head
ended up between the
> > clamps........


----------



## JadeIcing

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: Itâs triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wifeâs not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: Sheâs a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: Heâs involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: Youâre in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You canât find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: Heâs a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the âbirds and bees:â talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The postmanâs early
Bad: Heâs wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: Itâs another man
Ugly: Heâs your best friend

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.


----------



## JadeIcing

Famous Last Words

Thomas Jefferson--still survives...
- John Adams, US President, d. July 4, 1826
(Actually, Jefferson had died earlier that same day.)

Is it not meningitis?
- Louisa M. Alcott, writer, d. 1888

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him
by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
- Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789

Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her
family around her bedside.
- Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

I can't sleep.
- James M. Barrie, author, d. 1937

Is everybody happy? I want everybody to be happy. I know I'm happy.
- Ethel Barrymore, actress, d. June 18, 1959

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
- Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

Beautiful.
In reply to her husband who had asked how she felt.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning, writer, d. June 28, 1861

Don't let poor Nelly (his mistress, Nell Gwynne) starve.
- Charles II, King of England and Scotland, d. 1685

I am dying. I haven't drunk champagne for a long time.
- Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, writer, d. July 1, 1904

**** it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
- Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
- Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988

Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said
enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so
she could write them down for posterity.
- Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883


----------



## JadeIcing

My husband went on a sudden business trip, and I accompanied him. It 
soon became apparent that he could not wrap things up in one day, so 
his employer put us up for the night in a luxury hotel.



We found a convenience store and purchased toothbrushes, a razor and 
other necessary items. Finally we entered the lobby of the hotel, 
each of us toting a brown paper bag filled with supplies.



The hotel manager looked us over. Raising an eyebrow, he intoned 
haughtily, "Matching luggage?"


----------



## JadeIcing

YOU'VE GOT TO BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal!
But I have a question, "why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!" the bartender urged.
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss.
POOF!!!! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger. She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?'"..... POOF!!!


----------



## JadeIcing

---------------------------
How Much Would You Give?
> A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago. Nothing is
> moving north or south (never does). Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
> The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold
> up?"
> "Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson,
> and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they
> are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going
> from car to car, taking up a collection."
> The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
> "About a gallon." 

-----------
**To My Dear Wife,
> > ***
> **> **
> **> **
> **> You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, 
> being 54 years**
> **> old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value 
> you as a**
> **> good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not 
> wrongly**
> **> interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 
> 18-year-old* *
> **> secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset; I shall 
> be back**
> **> home before midnight." **
> **> **
> **> **
> **> **
> **> When the man came home late that night he found the following 
> letter on the**
> **> dining room table: **
> **> **
> **> "To My Dear Husband, **
> **> **
> **> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my 
> being 54 years**
> **> old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you 
> are also 54**
> **> years old. As you know I am a math teacher at our local college. I 
> would like**
> **> to inform you that while you read this I will be at the Hotel 
> Fiesta with**
> **> Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis 
> coach. He is**
> **> young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a 
> successful**
> **> businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will 
> understand that we**
> **> are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 
> goes into**
> **> 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.Therefore I will not be 
> home until**
> **> sometime tomorrow."**


----------



## JadeIcing

> >The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
> >my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise" were my last
> >words.
> >
> >Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
> >
> >Around 3:00 am and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our
> >respective homes Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the
> >hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
> >
> >Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another
> >9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a
> >quick-witted solution to cover up my tardiness. (Even when totally
> >smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos....MIDNIGHT).
> >
> >The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
> >midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow and continued to read the morning
> >paper. Whew! Got away with that one!!
> >
> >Then he said, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."
> >
> >When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
> >three times, then said, "Oh, s**t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
> >throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then
> >tripped over the coffee table and farted.


----------



## JadeIcing

30 Ways to Cope With Stress.

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how 
many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as 
if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. 
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
27. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
28. Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later.
29. Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
30. Do your assignments in binary code.


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## JadeIcing

Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at

a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked

the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not

able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.



"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't

it?" We nodded. He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure

it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I

don't think I can be much help."



At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over

his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked

at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third

Street through town, go past the university and turn right

on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires.


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## JadeIcing

"Brussels police department, how may I assist you?"

"Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie."

"Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?"

"No"

"Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?"

"Bill Gates"

"Country?"

"The USA"

"Native language?"

"English"

"Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?"

"Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie."

"We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?"

"Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie."

"Have you visited the Prime Minister before?"

"Yes"

"Were you hit in the face with a pie then?"

"No"

"Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?"

"Yes"

"Any pies then?"

"No"

"Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait."

"Just a minute.." <several minutes pass> "Okay, I'm back."

"Did you get hit by another pie?"

"Of course not"

"Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. <click>


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## JadeIcing

A New York lawyer runs a stop sign on his way to Florida and gets pulled 
over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the 
deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a 
better education than any cop from ROUND ROCK. He decides to prove this 
to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy: "License and registration, please."
Lawyer: "What for?"
Deputy "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and 
registration, please."
Lawyer: "What's the difference?"
Deputy: "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's 
the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and 
stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the 
ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy: "Sounds fair, exit your vehicle sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating 
the lawyer.

Then the cop says

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"


----------



## JadeIcing

A heartwarming story...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from North Western University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephantâs foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldnât help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembeâs legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasnât the same elephant.


----------



## JadeIcing

A Canadian Apology:

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice.

I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we feel your pain.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.


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## JadeIcing

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice


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## JadeIcing

[align=right] [/align]
-------------
heres some Funny signs:

In the electricians: "if you pay your bill, we will be de-lighted. If you don't you will be"

In the plastic surgeons: "we'll help you pick your nose"

In the funeral directors parking lot: "Please drive carefully, we're happy to wait"

In the plumbers: "we repair what your husband fixed"

The vets "back in 5 mins. Sit. Stay!"

In the optimetrists "If you cant see what youre looking for youre in the right place"

In the muffler shop: "No appointment necessery, we heard you coming"

On the maternity hospital door "Push. Push. PUSH"

In an non smoking lounge "If you are smoking we will assume your on fire and take the appropriate action"

In the bowling alley "Quiet Please!- we need to hear a pin drop"
-------------

[align=right] [/align]
-----------------
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. 

The husband was in a rather amourous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him for his password, he made it completely obvious to his wife that he was keying in..........

P... E.... N.... I.... S.... 

His wife fell off the chair laughing when the computer responded.....

***PASSWORD REJECTED..... NOT LONG ENOUGH***
----------------------------------
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. 

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

A rabbit walked into a butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No."

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "NO! And if you ask me that one more time I'll nail you to the wall by your ears!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any nails?"

The butcher said, "No."

The rabbit said, "Got any cabbage?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Stun gun. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS. 
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this... 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. 

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded 
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION )*(&#(*)&*(#%)jld*(&#*#***!!! 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative. 

SON-OF-A-^@*!#... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? 

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.


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## JadeIcing

-------------
Annoy People 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Pay tolls with $100 bills 

2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot 

3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it 

4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two 

5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April 

6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons 

7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall. 

8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines 

9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom 

10. Chew other people's pencils 

11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. 

12. Wear large hats during the movies 

13. Touch strangers 

14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus 

15. Bite your dentist's finger 

16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. 

18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads 

19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems 

20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa 

21. Tell people they have bad breath 

22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 

23. Flirt with a friend's spouse 

24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team 

25. Shake with your left hand 

26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone. 

27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". 

28. Drum on every available surface. 

29. Staple papers in the middle of the page. 

30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go". 

31. Honk and wave to strangers. 

32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. 

33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show. 

34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. 

35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets. 

36. Pay for your dinner with pennies. 

37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. 

38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question. 

39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. 

40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. 

41. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." 

Annoy Cops 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?" 

43. Ask to see his gun. 

44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 

45. Say out loud "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!" 

46. Slap his hand and say "Bad cop! No donut!" 

47. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot", and grin. 

48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you. 

49. Refer to him by his first name. 

50. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 

Annoy Your roomate 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 

52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 

53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner. 

54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 

55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 

56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor. 

57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner. 

58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 

59. Speak in tongues. 

60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 

61. Walk and talk backwards. 

62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 

63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 

64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g."The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 

65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). 

66. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 

67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 

68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 

69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 

70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. 

71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 

72. Eat glass. 

73. Smoke ballpoint pens. 

74. Smile. All the time. 

75. Collect dog **** in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 

76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. 

77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 

78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 

79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns. 

80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 

81. Dye all your underwear lime green. 

82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 

83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 

84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 

85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). 

86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 

87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 

88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 

89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 

90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. 

91. Shave one eyebrow. 

92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 

93. Put horseradish in your shoes. 

94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 

95. Always flush the toilet three times. 

96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 

97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 

98. Give him/her an allowance. 

99. Listen to radio static. 

100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 

101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly. 


Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test 


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 

103. Beep your horn at everything. 

104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light 

105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?" 

106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. 

107. Fill your car with beer bottles. 

108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. 

109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner. 

110. Swear at everybody on the road. 

111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.


----------



## JadeIcing

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their
family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is
this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to
keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under
the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.

"Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you
would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you
would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would
have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would
not be able to take care of all three husbands, so
THAT'S why I said
'yes' to George Clooney.

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,
All Us Women
------------

Three missionaries, Christian, Jewish and Buddihist, are captured by cannibals in the jungles of Africa. The head cheif comes up to them and says "You have a choice. You can choose death or you can meet The Aristrocrats."

The Jewish missonarie says "Well I do believe in another world after this, but I do not feel I have finsihed my work here so I will meet The Aristocrats."

With that 14 of the biggest native men come out and start to sexually assault him. They toss him around and brutally rape him and leave him twitching on the ground with blood, sweat and native spermatozoa all over him.
The chief goes up to the Christian missionarie.
"Same thing?" he says
"Yes," the chief says, "you can choose death or meet The Aristocrats"
"Well, I too believe in an afterlife but I feel that I could do my congregation more by staying alive and I see by the man over there that i would still be alive so I will choose The Aristocrats.
"All right" Once again the native men come out and proceed to leave the missionary in a worse shape than the Jewish fella.
Finally, the chief asks the Buddisht his choice. Buddisht says, "I believe that whens its out time to die, its our time to die. so I will choose death."

Cheif says, "All right, death it is but first...The Aristocrats!"
----------------

Man walks up to a table where two priests are having lunch and tells them;
"I saw the two of you sitting here and I didnt know whether to send a bottle of wine or a Cub Scout."
-----------

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2006

> SMART ASS ANSWER #6

> It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

> "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

> "What are my choices?" John asked.

> "Yes or no," she replied.

> SMART ASS ANSWER #5

> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

> As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

> SMART ASS ANSWER #4

> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

> She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

> The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

> SMART ASS ANSWER #3

> The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

> "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

> The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

> When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

> SMART ASS ANSWER #2

> A truck driver was driving along on the f reeway. A sign comes up that

> reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

> Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

> SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

> I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand


----------



## Pipp

LOL!! I guess I'm not getting notifications for this forum, I was just coming in here to ask where the dirty jokes were!! 

:hyper:


----------



## JadeIcing

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
>
> To those of us who have children in our lives,
> whether they are our own,
> grandchildren,
> nieces,
> nephews,
> or students...
> here is something to make you chuckle.
>
> Whenever your children are out of control,
> you can take comfort from the thought that
> even God's omnipotence did not extend
> to His own children.
>
> After creating heaven and earth,
> God created Adam and Eve.
>
> And the first thing he said was
> "DON'T ! ">
>
> "Don't what ? "
> Adam replied.>
>
> "Don't eat the forbidden fruit ."
> God said.>
>
> "Forbidden fruit ?
> We have forbidden fruit?
> Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit !">
>
> "No Way ! "
>
> "Yes way !"
>
> "Do NOT eat the fruit! "
> said God.
>
> "Why ? "
>
>> "Because I am your Father and I said so ! "
>
> God replied,
> wondering why He hadn't stopped
> creation after making the elephants.
>
> A few minutes later,
> God saw His children having an apple break
> and He was ticked !
>
> "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
> God asked.>
>
> "Uh huh,"
> Adam replied.
>
> "Then why did you ? "
> said the Father.
>
> "I don't know,"
> said Eve.
>
>
> "She started it! "
> Adam said.
>
> "Did not ! "
>
> "Did too! "
>>
> "DID NOT ! "
>
> Having had it with the two of them,
> God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
> should have children of their own.
>
> Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed
>
> BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
>
> If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and 
>they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
>
> If God had trouble raising children,
> what makes you think it would be
> a piece of cake for you?
>
>
> THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
>
> 1. You spend the first two years of their life
> teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
> the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
>
>
> 2. Grandchildren are God's reward
> for not killing your own children.
>
> 3. Mothers of teens now know why
> some animals eat their young.
>
> 4. Children seldom misquote you.
>
> In fact, they usually repeat word for word
> what you shouldn't have said.
>
> 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
> is to remind yourself that there are children
> more awful than your own.
>
> 6. We childproofed our homes,
> but they are still getting in.
>
> ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
>
> Be nice to your kids.
> They will choose your
> nursing home one day.
>
> AND FINALLY:
>
> IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
> AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
> DO WHAT IT SAYS
> ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
>
>
>
>
> "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
> AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!! !!
--------------------
Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant
and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to
breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day..
Let's go!"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok," I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.
-------------------


----------



## JadeIcing

A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. 

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. 

The tailgating woman hit the roof--and the horn--screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant , she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer . The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. 

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. 

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
----------------------------

The Pacific Northwest According To Jeff Foxworthy.

1. You know the state flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement "sun break" and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the "Walk"
Signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it 
is
not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and
Veneto's.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon,
Yakima and Willamette.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai
food.
14. In winter,you go to work in the dark and come home in the 
dark-while
only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain," 
and
"Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."
17. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation
18. You know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of
mind.
19. You can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see
through the cloud cover.
20. You notice, "The mountain is out" when it is a pretty day and you
can actually see it.
21. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50,but
still wear your hiking boots and parka.
22. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the 
socks
on.
23. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
24. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
25. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you cannot find the old
ones after such a long time.
26. You measure distance in hours.
27. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in the same day.
28. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
29. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer), Deer & Elk season 
(Fall).
30. You actually understood these jokes and will probably forward them!
---------------
A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton useshis all the time.

Bush is one

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )










The answer is: "A Last Name."

You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you?
-------------

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 


"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
------------
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with 
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and 
said, 

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to 
heaven?" 

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom 
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and 
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." 

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started 
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, 
she 
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. 

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, 
and there stood Grandma's minister. 

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?" 

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her 
boyfriend." 

The minister fainted.
---------------------------

If you are easily offended don't read it.

I'm warning you, this is very very un PC.... still reading? Ok then.. you were warned.

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments? " And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?" 

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments. " 

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Thou shall not steal."

"Not Steal? We're not interested."

Then God went to the French and said, "I have Commandments. " 

The French too wanted an example and the 

Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

So God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments. " 

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

Finally, God went to the Jews and spoke to Moses and said, "I have Commandments. "

"Commandments? " 

They said, "How much are they?"

"They are free."

"We'll take ten."


----------



## JadeIcing

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I 
gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to 
her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her 
the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated 
and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the 
money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. 
This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Blvd and Parmer Lane 
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.


I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a 
sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little 
chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already 
buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free 
sandwiches and I walked out the door. 
...............They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them 
shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and 
said, "Where?" 
...............They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which 
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun 
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" 
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for 
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that 
stuff." 
...............They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I 
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was 
open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days 
a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to 
end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friend has a lifesaving tool in his car designed to cut through a 
seat belt if he gets trapped. He keeps it in the trunk. 
...............They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were 
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier 
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. 
...............They Walk Among Us! 

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to 
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never 
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained 
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane 
arrived yet?"
...............They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza 
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like 
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before 
responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to 
eat 6 pieces." 
..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF 
ALL...................................they VOTE!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
"True Friendship" 

(With none of that Sissy Crap!!!!)

Are you tired of those 
sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually
come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually
speak of true friendship. 

1 When you are sad --
I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who
made you that way. 

2. When you are blue 
-- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 

3. When you smile 
-- I will know you finally got laid. 

4. When you are scared 
-- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 

5. When you are worried
-- I will tell you horrible
stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 

6. When you are confused 
-- I will use little words. 

7. When you are sick 
-- Stay the heck away from me until you are well again. I don't
want to catch whatever you have. 

8. When you fall
-- I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt. 

9. This is my oath..... 
I pledge it to the
end. "Why?" you may ask."because you are my friend" 

Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you
can feel the true warmth. 

Send this to "all 10" 
of your friends, then get depressed because you can only think of Four!
(don't send it back to me....I don't want to hear it!!!) 

And remember.. . When life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and
call me over !!!!! 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More Things To Ponder

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered 
assassinated
instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny 
for your
thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be 
a good
idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 
like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in 
binoculars to
look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for 
Miss
America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see 
you naked
anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll 
squeeze these
dangly things here and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a 
horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell 
you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, 
are you
going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on "Gilligan's Island" can make a radio out of a 
coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're 
both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why 
didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from 
vegetables, what
is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same 
tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at 
you, but
when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

------------------------------------------------------------

1) Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. 

2) When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. 

3) A penny saved is a government oversight. 

4) The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 

5) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. 

6) The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. 

7) He who hesitates is probably right.

8) Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL." 

9) If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 

10) If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. 

11) The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 

12) There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt 

13) Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs." 

"Be who you are and say what you feel 'cause people who mind don't matter and people who matter don't mind."

-Dr. Seuss
----------------------------------------


----------



## JadeIcing

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.

7.. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like .......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.






---------------------------------
Tech Support Calls

Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm
sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On
page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to
unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator:
"I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."

RAC (UK) Motoring Services

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar
in Cardiff please." Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the
spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish
Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on
the label: Woven in Scotland."

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up
the window to write the number on."

Computer Capers Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open
Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-
up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what
you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to
write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my
screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have 
my
file back again?"
---------------------------------------
DOG'S LETTERS TO GOD

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one
another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
old story?

Dear God: Excuse me but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the
cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray and the rabbit, but not one
named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a
nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be
easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle to the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get
in?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been
howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is
the beagle across the street!

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we
can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing again?

Dear God: Can you undo what the doctor did...?

CAT'S LETTER TO GOD

Dear God: Do you exist? I'm just curious. I don't care.
-----------------------------------------
From Bizarre News...

+-------------- Bizarre Presidential Facts ----------------+

Herbert Hoover and his wife both spoke fluent Chinese.
Hoover was also the first president to have a telephone on
his desk in the White House.

When Calvin Coolidge was being driven in a car, he would
always insist that the driver didn't exceed sixteen miles
per hour.

George Washington had wooden false teeth.

James Garfield could write in Greek with one hand while
simultaneously writing in Latin with the other.

Jimmy Carter developed the knack of speed reading and was
once tested and found to have 95 percent comprehension at a
reading rate of 2,000 words a minute.

When he was young, Rutherford Hayes suffered from a strange
phobia: the fear of going insane.

Franklin D. Roosevelt's mother dressed him exclusively in
girl's clothing until the age of five.

John Quincy Adams used to take a swim in the Potomac River
every morning - naked.

Zachary Taylor moved around the country so much that he
never managed to register to vote. Consequently, the first
time he voted, he was sixty-two years old.

George Bush, a chubby toddler, was nicknamed "Fatty McGee
McGaw" by his father.

[From "That Book of Perfectly Useless Information]
-------------------------------------
*The Ant and the Grasshopper: 2 Scenarios

*OLD VERSION*:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and 
plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ***

*MODERN VERSION:*
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and 
plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and
demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others 
are
cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the 
shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a
table filled with food. **America** is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor 
grasshopper
is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody
cries when they sing, "its Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where
the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse
then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper' s sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that
the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call
for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for 
failing
to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing 
left to
pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a 
panel of
federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent
welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of
the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens
to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grass hopper is
found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is
taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful
neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be _very_ _very_ careful how you vote. *
---------------------------
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
---------------


----------



## JadeIcing

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.

Dear Dogs, Cats and Rabbits:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other 
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the 
middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food 
and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack, nor is the 
area behind the couch. Beating me to the bottom of the steps is not the 
object. Tripping me doesn't help either because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about 
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your 
comfort. Dogs, cats and bunnies can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.


It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to 
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and 
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but 
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some 
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to 
claw, whine, scratch, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the 
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I 
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine, feline or lapine 
attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other critter's butt or eat 
your fecal pellets. The bunny poop or cat litter box is not a snack for the 
dog. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our 
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 
That's why they call it "fur"niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who 
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: My pets are better than your kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3 Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...

11. It's perfectly legal to ensure that they never reproduce!
-----------------------------------------
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm
for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." 

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Some old men CAN still think fast.


----------



## JadeIcing

Retarded Grandparents (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young Pupils how they spent their
holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with
Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa
got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and
have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their
bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't
do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all
jump up and down with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.
They go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
every night---early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man
in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the
wrecked centre for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I
earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will
let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
--------------------------------

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cock tails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
-----------------------------------------------
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we 
put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting 
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach 
lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be 
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the 
germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most 
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here 
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for 
years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row 
raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"
-------------------------
KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 
3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
------------------------------------------
A CARDIOLOGISTS FUNERAL 
> 
> 
>A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart 
>covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. 
> 
>Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. 
> 
>The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. 
> 
> 
>At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes 
>stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own 
>funeral.... ....I'm a gynecologist. " 
> 
>The proctologist fainted. 
-------------------------------------------
When I picked up my wife from work one afternoon, she seemed

irritated. She confessed that the day hadn't gone well, and

on top of everything else, a young customer had addressed her

as "ma'am."

"I'm not that old," she insisted. "I deserve more respect!"

She vented the whole way home while hitting the scan button

on the radio.

Finally I asked, "What are you looking for?"

She replied, "The oldies station."
---------------------------------------------

Having bought a brand new BMW, a man was taking it through its paces on a deserted highway. He had just gotten the car up to 100, when red and blue flashing lights came on behind him. The man thought to himself "I'm in a Beamer. I can get away from this!" and floored the gas. A few seconds later, the came to his senses, and pulled over. 

Coming over to his window, the officer said, "Look, I appreciate that you pulled over, and seeing as how it's the end of the day and I don't want to file a bunch of paperwork, if you can give me a good reason why you took off like you did, I'll let you go with a warning."

The man thought for a second, and replied "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I was afraid you were trying to bring her back."

Laughing, the officer replied, "Have a good evening, sir."
----------------------------------
Idiot Sightings!!!! Be careful, be v-e-r-y careful....

IDIOT SIGHTING: Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The 
Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not 
have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and 
said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 
horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 
horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, 
it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.

_____________________________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new
neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many
deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place
for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman , KS
______________________________________________________

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for
"minimal 
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a
Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City !

______________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without 
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, 
how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

_____________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged 
coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I 
explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled,

she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
_______________________________________________________


IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:
She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented 
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another 
word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that 
deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a brunch at Texas Instruments.

________________________________________________________


IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand

why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County 
Sheriffs office no less.

________________________________________________________

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile 
dealer-ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked
in 
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working 
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the 
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered 
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
-----------------------

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says âI donât feel
like it, I just want you to hold me.â

I said âWHAT??!! What was that?!â

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hearâ¦
âYouâre just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.â She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, âCanât you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?â

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldnât decide which one to
take so I told her weâd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell youâ¦she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesnât even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, âThatâs fine, honey.â
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, âI think this is all
dear, letâs go to the cashier.â

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, âNo honey, I donât feel
like it.â

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?â

I then said âhoney! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Youâre
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman.â And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, âWhy canât you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?â

Apparently Iâm not having sex tonight either.


----------



## JadeIcing

*I just got home.*

*Pipp wrote: *


> LOL!! I guess I'm not getting notifications for this forum, I was just coming in here to ask where the dirty jokes were!!
> 
> :hyper:


----------



## maherwoman

Um...I think Ali's been waiting to inundate ya'll with those...

Thankfully, I've read most of them from emails she sent me...hehe!!


----------



## JadeIcing

*jumps up and down* 

YES!!!!!


----------



## Greta

OK, so these aren't really jokes, but still fun...


*Did I read that sign right?* 
*TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW*

*In a Laundromat:*
*AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT *

*In a London department store:* 
*BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS *

*In an office:* 
*WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

**In an office:*
*AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD *
  
*Outside a secondhand shop: *
*WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? *

*Notice in health food shop window: *
*CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS*

*Spotted in a safari park: (I sure hope so)* 
*ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR*

*Seen during a conference:*
*FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR *

*Notice in a farmer's field: *
*THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. *

*Message on a leaflet:* 
*IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS*

*On a repair shop door:* 
*WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)*


----------



## Greta

*
* 
*I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I*

*gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to*

*her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her*

*the money back. *



*She became indignant and informed me shewas educated*

*and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her*

*the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the$46.64.*



*They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.*

*I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a*

*sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little*

*chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." *

*"They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both *


* free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.*



*They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.*

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of*

*them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" *



*Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"*



*...............They Walk Among Us!*



*While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which*

*direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun*

*waking him up every morning. *



*She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"*



*When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for*

*sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."*





*...............They Walk Among Us!!*



*I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. *



*One day I got a call from an individual who asked whathours the call center was *
*open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." *


*He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" *



*Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."*





*...............They Walk AmongUs!*



*My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a *
 
*seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.*





*.They Walk AmongUs!*



*My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a *
 
*big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20%discount.*




*...............They Walk AmongUs!*


*I couldn't find my luggage at the airportbaggage area, so I went to*

*the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never*

*showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry becauseshe was a*

*trained professional and I was in good hands. *


*"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"*





*...............They Walk Among Us!*



*While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza *
 
*to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook askedhim if he would like *
 
*it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. *
 
*"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."*



*..............Yep, They Walk Among Us!*




*They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce,and WORST OF*

*ALL..................................they VOTE too!*
​


----------



## JadeIcing

It all started when Gavin Edwards stood tall in his second
grade chorus and belted out "Life's a butter dream" for
the last line of "Row, Row, Row." "That episode planted a
seed," says the still-mortified Edwards, "and ever since,
I've been collecting examples of misheard lyrics."

Edwards, an editor at _Details_, has compiled the funniest
examples in his book, "'Scuse Me, While I Kiss This Guy."
Along with the usual mangling of Credence Clearwater
Revival ("There's a bathroom on the right" versus "There's
a bad moon on the rise"), the author cites a surprising number
of food references, as in this sampling from the almost 300
garbled song lines gathered.


From Irene Cara's "Flashdance... What a Feeling"...
Wrong Lyric: "Take your pants down and make it happen"
Right Lyric: "Take your passion and make it happen"

From the Beatles' "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds"...
Wrong Lyric: "The girl with colitis goes by"
Right Lyric: "The girl with kaleidoscope eyes"

From Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind"...
Wrong Lyric: "The ants are my friends/They're blowin' in
the wind"
Right Lyric: "The answer, my friends/Is blowin' in the wind"

From David Bowie's "Space Oddity"...
Wrong Lyric: "Clown control to Mao Tse-Tung"
Right Lyric: "Ground control to Major Tom"

From Simon & Garfunkel's "I Am a Rock"...
Wrong Lyric: "I am a rock, I am an onion"
Right Lyric: "I am a rock, I am an island"

From John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John's "You're
the One That I Want"
Wrong Lyric: "I got shoes, they're made of plywood"
Right Lyric: "I got chills, they're multiplying"

From Crystal Gayle's "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"
Wrong Lyric: "Doughnuts make my brown eyes blue"
Right Lyric: "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue"

From Bachman-Turner Overdrive's "Takin' Care of Business"
Wrong Lyric: "Baking carrot biscuits"
Right Lyric: "Takin' care of business"

From Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey"...
Wrong Lyric: "Jacques the monkey"
Right Lyric: "Shock the monkey"

From Madonna's "La Isla Bonita"...
Wrong Lyric: "Last night I dreamt of some bagels"
Right Lyric: "Last night I dreamt of San Pedro"

From Pearl Jam's "Glorified G"...
Wrong Lyric: "Glorified version of a pelican"
Right Lyric: "Glorified version of a pellet gun"


----------



## JadeIcing

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Darn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!" 

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!" "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! Hey!...by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."


----------



## JadeIcing

*_Two Nuns_*

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to 
lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the 
nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. 'Who
is it?' calls one of the nuns.

'Blind man,' replies a voice from the other side of the door. The
two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no 
harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

'Nice boobs,' says the man. 'Where do you want the blinds?


----------



## JadeIcing

A Dieter's Prayer

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot,
Incited by my wicked diet.
"We are what we eat," said a wise old man.
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain,
But at my present weight I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot curls be sated,
That my soul may be polyunsaturated.
And show me the light that I may bear witness
To the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And oleo margarine I'll never mutter
For the road-to-hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed, and cake is awful,
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone,
The devil is in each slice of bologna.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day, my daily slice
But cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
Deliver me from Jujubes.

And when my days of trial are done
And my war with malted milks is won,
Let me stand with the saints in Heaven
In a shining robe, size thirty-seven!

I can do it, Lord, if you'll show to me
The virtues of lettuce and celery.
If you'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise
The sinfulness of hollandaise,

And pasta Milanese
And potatoes a la Lyonnaise,
And crisp fried chicken from the south.
Lord, if you love me, SHUT MY MOUTH!


----------



## JadeIcing

Three Hillbilliesare sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. ' 

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity! '

2nd Hillbillysays: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of 
them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?' 

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!' 

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer 
wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer 
some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?' 
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.


----------



## JadeIcing

Some are ok for the forum some not. So I post here.


----------



## JadeIcing

What's in a name? 
Sat Nov17,2007 10:15pm (PST) 

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives
paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year. Timothy was born in
Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their
senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood
early in college, and upon Graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged
that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.
Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was
swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present
Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less
time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the Chimney and the
world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant
and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected
Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all
of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that
shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them
in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and
rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could
not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called
Pope Secola."


----------



## JadeIcing

Special Thanksgiving humor for those of us in the U.S. Happy 
Thanksgiving!

A Redneck Thanksgiving
For Thanksgiving, we've invited all our immediate relatives for 
lunch, and we're looking forward to it. I'm tellin' you, this 
trailer's gonna be wall-to-wall relatives. I can jes hear 'em now:

"Is Daddy gonna eat with us, or is he gonna sit in the car and drink 
all day?"

"Why's my kid always got to drink out of the jelly glasses? 
Marvene's kids never does!"

"What time does Jerry Springer come on here? Y'all still got the 
cable spliced in here, ain'tcha?

"Would you just look at that? I always try to give MY guests a plate 
that ain't cracked or chipped."

"Do you mind if we eat in front of the TV? They's a Black and Decker 
infomercial I just don't wanna miss."

"Oh, don't you never mind about thaaaaat. You just go ahead and serve 
it anyway. Don't worry -- they'll eat it!" They don't expect it to be 
as good as MY cornbread anyway. Not everybody can cook cornbread as 
good as I can.

"Momma, do I haaaave to eat her cookin? You said yo'se'f you hated it."

"You chi'ren stop playing on that sheet metal out thar!"

"I'd just LUV for y'all to come to Christmas dinner at my house, but 
Pauly says he ain't gone stay with me any more after this week, and I 
jes don't think I can buy all them groceries by my own self."

"If you wuz to put as much attention to them kids as you do to your 
guns, they wouldn't be sent home from school every other day with 
head lice."

"Maury's gonna move over to Mr. Mica's garage, where they's an 
opening on the grease rack. He says they ain't no future as a 
painter's helper, and we expecting our fifth young'un this spring. 
No, it don't show much right now, but I know I'm P.G., 'cause I gotta 
a lotta gas. I always get a lotta gas when I'm carrying. Is they 
any more sweet tater rounds?"

"Can anybody tell me why John is puttin gravy on his beans? Is they 
sumpin wrong with the BEANS, John?"


----------



## JadeIcing

My New Parrot
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every
word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I
could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct
my rude and unforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!


----------



## JadeIcing

1. The best way to get even is to forget.

2. Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.

3. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

4. Some folks wear their halos much too tight.

5. Some marriages are made in heaven, but they ALL have to be
maintained on earth.

6. Unless you can create the WHOLE universe in 5 days, then
perhaps giving "advice" to God, isn't such a good idea!

7. Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, and faith looks up.

8. Standing in the middle of the road is dangerous. You will get
knocked down by the traffic from both directions.

9. Words are windows to the heart.

10. A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the
wall, claims it's a forgery.

11. It isn't difficult to make a mountain out of a molehill - just
add a little dirt.

12. A successful marriage isn't finding the right person - it's
being the right person.

13. The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.

14. The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

15. To forgive is to set the prisoner free, and then discover that
the prisoner was you.

16. You have to wonder about some humans, they think God is dead
and Elvis is alive!

17. It's all right to sit on your "pity pot" every now and again.
Just be sure to flush when you're done.

18. Remember, a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its
neck.

19. If the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, you
can bet the water bill is higher too.


----------



## TinysMom

Not to steal Ali's thread - but would this be "ok" to post in the off-topic area or is it too adult?

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgFIZOkIC9o]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgFIZOkIC9o[/ame]

Eric sent me this - he's using this song in his "pre-show" for the plays he's directing next weekend....I died laughing but I'm not sure if this is too "adult".

Peg

P.S. He's only using this song - he doesn't know these people...


----------



## JadeIcing

'The weenie game

Three 5th graders, an Irish boy, Italian boy and a 
redneck boy are in the playground at recess.

One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's
see who has the largest weenie," he says.

"Okay" They all agree. 

The Irish boy pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Italian boy.

He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.

Not to be out done, the redneck boy whips his out.

It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the redneck
boy's mother asks him what he did at school today. 

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math
test and read out loud from a new book...and during
recess, my friends and I played 'The weenie game'."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our
weenies and I had the biggest! The other boys say it's
because I'm a Red neck. Is that true, Mom?" 

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're
twenty-one.


----------



## JadeIcing

For some time many of us have wondered just who is 
> Jack Schitt? 
> 
> We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You 
> don't know Jack 
> Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you 
> can now respond in 
> an intellectual way. 
> 
> Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe 
> Schitt, the 
> fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of 
> Needeep N. 
> Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. 
> 
> In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply 
> religious couple 
> produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, 
> Fulla Schitt, Bull 
> Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. 
> 
> Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married 
> Dumb Schitt, a 
> hi gh school dropout. After being married 15 years, 
> Jack and Noe Schitt 
> divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and 
> because her kids 
> were living with them, she wanted to keep her 
> previous name. She was 
> then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. 
> 
> Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they 
> produced a son 
> with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken 
> Schitt. Two of the 
> other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, 
> were inseparable 
> throughout childhood and subsequently married the 
> Happens brothers in 
> a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the 
> newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The 
> Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. 
> 
> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the 
> world. He recently 
> returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa 
> Schitt. 
> 
> Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' 
> you can correct 
> them. 
> 
> 
> Sincerely, 
> Crock O. Schitt 
>


----------



## JadeIcing

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.'

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here!


----------



## JadeIcing

Anyone read this?


----------



## JadeIcing

'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 


'Yes. What can I do for you?' 



'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them
logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 



'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' 



The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They 
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. 
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 



'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 



'Yeah!' 



'Did they chop your firewood?' 



'Yep!' 



'Happy Birthday, buddy!' 
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).


----------



## stephiemarie78

The next time someone asks you a dumb questionwouldn't you like to respond like this?.....

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chowfor Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart, and was about tocheck out.

A woman behind me asked, "do youhave a dog?"

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'mretired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was startingthe Purina Dog Chow Diet again. Although I probablyshouldn't,because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,butthat I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in anintensive care ward with tubes coming out of most ofmy orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet andthat the way that it works is to load your pantspockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or twoevery time you feel hungry and that the food isnutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. 

(I have to mention here that practically everyone inthe line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive carebecause the dog food poisoned me. I told her no;"Istepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass anda car hit both of us ."

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heartattack, he was laughing so hard!


----------



## GoinBackToCali

*Today a teacher had a taste test with her students.


She picked a little boy to do the first test.


She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, 


"Do you know what it is?"


"No, I don't," said the little boy.
*
*
"Okay, I'll give you a clue.


It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work.

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled:

"Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!!"*


----------



## JadeIcing

GETTING EVEN

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her "Pussycat."

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O' , and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O' . They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. 

The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. 

He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door. 

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!


----------



## AngelnSnuffy

:shock:


----------



## JadeIcing

The difference between men and women

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to dinner; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out again; and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Wow! Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel.

I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... idiots.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They'd better not say its only a 90-day warranty.

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh my, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.


----------



## swanlake

not to steal your thread but is it ok if i add one??

a daddy mole, a mommy mole and a kid mole lived in a hole. One morning daddy mole poked his head out of the hole and said "_mmmmm I smell Waffles!_" then Mommy mole pokes her head out and says "_mmmmm I smell Bacon!_" then kid mole goes "all i smell is molasses"

(if you don't get it, say the last part s l o w)


----------



## JadeIcing

Hehe add all you want.


----------



## JadeIcing

Code:


Just in case any of you were contemplating having another baby:
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 61-year-old
woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged
from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for
awhile first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we
see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May
we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the
baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait
until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him."


----------



## JadeIcing

Subject: Passport Application

Dear Minister,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to
understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.

How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address
and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back
in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on
what date?

How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every
Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I
have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you
still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with
contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel
I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win
the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and
will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time.
Do you people do this by hand?

You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the
one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's
on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports
I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out
before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and
all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the
electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our
lords and masters are up for re-election.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in
Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden
name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely
astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But
between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my
house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang
of Neanderthals working there? Look at my **** picture. Do I look like Bin
Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want
to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of
week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and
get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND
to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated
to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new
passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too **** easy and maybe make
sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with
our heads cut off, then find some idiot to confirm that it's really me on
the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile
in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process!
Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally cheesed off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten
years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances
which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the
Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have
been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the
Services. However, I have to get someone "important" to verify who I am -
you know, someone like my doctor...
who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN
PAKISTAN...

Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen.


----------



## JadeIcing

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in
taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12
November, wherein you will see the 
Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has
paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers
valued @ $1,029), which I
secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund,"
as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head
screw (see aforementioned article from 
USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips
Head Screws).

One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to
paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer


----------



## timetowaste

Just to point out -- I heart this thread!!!

:biggrin2:

Tracy


----------



## JadeIcing

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it. 

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
! 
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife ?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? !
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!


What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....


----------



## JadeIcing

*timetowaste wrote: *


> Just to point out -- I heart this thread!!!
> 
> :biggrin2:
> 
> Tracy


I am glad you like it.


----------



## JadeIcing

-----Original Message-----

LIE DETECTOR! 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmick. 
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. 
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. 
It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. 

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, 
their 11 year old son, returned home from school. 
Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? 
Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. 

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit
project," 
said Tommy. 
The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, 
knocking him completely out of his chair. 

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where
you 
really were after school." 
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. 
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. 

"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy. 
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, 
knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy
got up, 
sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape
called Sex 
Queen." 

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never
lied to my 
parents." The robot then walked around to John 
and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. 

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 
"Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with
Tommy. 
After all, he is your SON!" 
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha 
and knocked her out of her chair.


----------



## tundrakatiebean

That was a good one Ali!

One day a little boy was at his Grandmother's funeral with his parents. He was very good and listened quietly as the preacher spoke: dust to dust, ashes to ashes, from dust we came and to dust we will return. When the boy got home he was very quiet and his father asked him what he was thinking about. "How did that speech go again?" he asked, his father repeated it for him and the little boy replied "I don't know whether they're going or coming, but there's someone under my bed!"


----------



## BlueGiants

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! I was laughing so hard, I almost fell off my chair! Good thing the boss was out! Thanks for a few good laughs!


----------



## JadeIcing

State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000, 000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)


----------



## JadeIcing

Embarrassing Situations! 
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he
finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I
chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top
of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar
is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely
embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman
walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if
I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm
studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he
responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"


----------



## JadeIcing

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. 

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want
a divorce." 

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases
her speed to 45 mph. 

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a far better lover than you are." 

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and
slowly increases the speed to 55. 

He pushes his luck.. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph
"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the
bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." 

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes
him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" 

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got
everything I need." she says. 

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?" 

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and
says "The airbag."


----------



## JadeIcing

Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ
that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy
procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK
A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep', which comes in a box large enough
to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy,
I began my preparation. In accordance with my
instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was
chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then
you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric
system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep
tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit
and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose
watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying
that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact
with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic
here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode
had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as
far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize
to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off
my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed
by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you
feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very
good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that
some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked
off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would
happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew
Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously
nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked
to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least
appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was
shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine'
and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up
in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking
me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy
told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


----------



## polly

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back andinform the other of the afterlife.Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
> 
> After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to hisword he made contact,"Mary. Mary........"


"Is that you, Fred.........?"



"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."



"What's it like........?"



"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, offto the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I havesex twice.Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sexpretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again.Then have sex until late at night.The next day it starts again."
> 
> "Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
> 
> "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."


----------



## timetowaste

*polly wrote: *


> A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back andinform the other of the afterlife.Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
> >
> > After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to hisword he made contact,"Mary. Mary........"
> 
> 
> "Is that you, Fred.........?"
> 
> 
> 
> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
> 
> 
> 
> "What's it like........?"
> 
> 
> 
> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, offto the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I havesex twice.Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sexpretty much all afternoon.After supper, golf course again.Then have sex until late at night.The next day it starts again."
> >
> > "Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."
> >
> > "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Suffolk."


L O L


----------



## Bo B Bunny

:roflmao:


----------



## JadeIcing

Bubba, Cooter and Gomer were best buds. 
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. 
The three men had always done everything together. 
Cooter arrived first,and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' 
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.' 
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. 
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.' 
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' 
Gomer ; said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.' 
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. 
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with them two assholes.


----------



## JadeIcing

Dating in 1957 

It's the summer of 1957, and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy, with his own car and a 'Ducktail' hairdo. 

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' 

Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. 

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. 

Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.' 

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold, and he says, 'Whaaaaat?' 

'Yes,' says Peggy Sue's mother. 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!' 

Harold's eyes light up, and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately he has revised his plans for the evening. 

A few moments later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. 

Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good evening kids!' with a small wink for Harold. 

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back in to the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother...... 

'Dammit Mom....it's the Twist!...... It's called the Twist!'


----------



## JadeIcing

Some folks have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall nots' in the Ten Commandments. 

Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. 

The Southern Ten Commandments 
( actually posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Harlan , Ky. ) 

(1) Just one God 
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa 
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin' 
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin' 
(5) Put nothin' before God 
(6) No foolin' around with another feller's gal 
(7) No killin' 
(8) Watch yer mouth 
(9) Don't take what ain't yers 
(10) Don't be hankerin ' for yer buddy's stuff 

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day


----------



## JadeIcing

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
'IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Illiterate? Write For Help.
~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Cover Me. I'm Changing Lanes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies tell Me To.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep)
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over...
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Stop Lights Timed for r 35 mph
Also Are Timed For 70 mph
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does
My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Ax Me About Ebonics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Boldly Going Nowhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge
For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
Honk If You've Never Seen
An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down
Before He Admits He is Lost?
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.


------------------------------------------

==============================

-----------------------------------------------------------

====================================

--------------------------------------------------------------------

===========================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. 
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. 
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. 
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my 
Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience 
at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. 
You might have gotten disability, too' 

And then thefight started.....


----------



## JadeIcing

Priest and Rabbi 

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an
airplane. After a while, the priest
turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of
your faith that you not eat pork?' The rabbi
responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'
The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'
To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb
to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.' The
priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?' The priest replied, 'Yes, that is
still very much a part of our faith.' The rabbi
then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
of the flesh?' The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi,
on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking,
for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi
said, 'Beats the **** out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?


----------



## JadeIcing

New Terms
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America--- Kentuckians, Tennesseans, North Georgians, North Carolinians and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. ' 

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.
And furthermore. ...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.' 
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. '
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. '
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION.' 
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. '
11 She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR'
12 She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN..'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. ' 
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. '
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE '.


----------



## JadeIcing

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Today, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage. 

Men are like.... 

1. Men are like .Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you. 
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. 
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. 
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 
6. Men are like ...Commercials ?....... You can't believe a word they say. 
7. Men are like Department Stores . Their clothes are always 1/2 off! 
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds ?.... They take soooooooo long to mature. 
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 
10. Men are like Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 
11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright. 
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


----------



## JadeIcing

Abraham and Lincoln 
In Trivia 
Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960 The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head. Here is an interesting one... Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by southerners. Both were succeeded by southerners. Both successors were named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by three names. Both names contain fifteen letters. Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse. Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater. Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And last but not least... A week before Lincoln was shot; he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot; he was in Marilyn Monroe.


----------



## JadeIcing

Subject:Five surgeonsFive surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best Patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them Up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try
Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think
Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical
Order

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeleschim es in: 'You know, I
Like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you
Have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DCshut them all up
When he observed : 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
Operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and
No spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable


----------



## Elf Mommy

some of mine may be repeats because I haven't read through the entire thread, but thought I would contribute some, since my aunts and uncles and mother in law always send me jokes in email. 







In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


----------



## Elf Mommy

Hospital chart bloopers - actual writings from hospital charts! 

1. The patient refused autopsy. 

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital. 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared. 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. 

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission. 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

12. She is numb from her toes down. 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 

14. The skin was moist and dry. 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce. 

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. 

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.


----------



## Elf Mommy

On my 63rd birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation 
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After 
being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, 
and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a 
potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is 
powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and 
then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you 
have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the 
medicine from working?' Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman 
responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the 
next full moon.'

I was eager to see if it worked. I went home, showered, shaved, took a 
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Janette to join me in the 
bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' 
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. Janette was excited and began 
throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a 
preposition.


----------



## slavetoabunny

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass , OR . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. 

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'


----------



## JadeIcing

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. 

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. 

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. 
So he explained his mission to the farmer, 
asking for permission to marry one of them. 

The farmer simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.' 

The man dated the first daughter. 

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. 

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon- toed.' 

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. 

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. 

'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross- e yed.' 

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the t hird girl to see if things might be better. So he did. 

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry' 

So they were wed right away . Months later the baby was born. 

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing 
could happen considering the beauty of the parents. 

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... 
pregnant when you met her...'


----------



## Elf Mommy

*The Blind Bunny*


*One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over*


*a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.*


*'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny.**
'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'*


*'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault.**
I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.*

*By the way, what kind of animal are you?'*


*'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.*

*Maybe you could examine me and find out.'*

*So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly,*

*and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose.**
You must be abunny rabbit!'*

*The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'*

*The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him,*

*and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'*



*The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,*



*'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...*

*
**You must be a POLITICIAN'*​


----------



## JadeIcing

CAGUN PREGNANCY

Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. 
So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. 

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son! Ain't dat grand!" 

Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" 
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got you-sef a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting." 

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" 

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!" 

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?" 

His wife said, "Yeah, I do!" 

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty."


----------



## JadeIcing

Some thing else that made me fall about laughing.Seamus

Three little ducks go into a Bar... 

[] [] []

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 

'Huey,' was the reply. 

'How's your day been, Huey?' 

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
else could a duck want?' said Huey. 

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi,
and what's your name?' 

' Dewey ,' came the answer from duck number two. 

'So how's your day been, Dewey ! ?' he asked. 

'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
myself. What else could a duck want?' 

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie ?' 

[] 

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 

'My name is Puddles.'


----------



## JadeIcing

Here's one you might like. 

The Polite way to Pee. 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners , 
asked her students the following question: 

'Michael if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young 
lady, howwould you tell Her that you have to go to the bathroom?' 

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' & the 
teacher responded bysaying, 'That would be rude and impolite. 

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' 

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. 
I'llbe right back.' 

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 
bathroom at thedinner table. 

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your 
good manners? 

'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have 
to shakehands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to 
afterdinner. ' 

The teacher fainted


----------



## Bo B Bunny

:roflmao:


----------



## mouse_chalk

:roflmao::roflmao::roflmao:

I've just read all of these! They cracked me up! Steve wondered upstairs what on earth I was laughing at!


----------



## JadeIcing

*MY PRIVATE PART DIED*
>> An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
>>
>> One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
>>
>> Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
>>
>> 'Yes, Nurse ,' said Mr. Wallace.
>> 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'
>>
>> Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little
>> crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my
>> condolences. '
>>
>> The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
>> Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
>>
>> He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking
>> down the hall like that.
>> Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'
>>
>> 'But, Nurse Trac y I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you
>> yesterday that my Private Part died.
>>
>> 'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging
>> out of your pajamas?'
>>
>> (You've gotta love this ...)
>>
>> *'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'*
>>
>>
>>
>> *IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU*


----------



## Bo B Bunny

:laughsmiley:


----------



## JadeIcing

Whether Democrat or Republican,you shouldget a kick out of this!


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' 

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: 

I am the head of the family , so call me The President. 

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so! we call her the 
Government. 

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you 
the People. 

The nanny, we will consider her the 
Working Class. 

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. 

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' 

S o the little boy! Goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. 

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. 

He finds thatthe baby has severely 
soiled his diaper. 

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. 
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. 
He gives up and goes back to bed. 

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.' 

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' 

The little boy replies, 
'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. 
The People are being ignored and the 
Future is in deep ****.
----------

The value of a 
Catholic education and a #2 pencil 

Little Susie was not the best student 
in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. 

One day her teacher,(a Nun) called on her while she was 
sleeping. 
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' 
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting 
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. 
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class. 

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' 
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to 
her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 

'Jee!sus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. 
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back 
asleep. 

The Nun asked her a third question...' What did Eve say to 
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' 

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and 
shouted, 'If you stick that **** thing in me one more time, I'll 
break it in half!' 

The nun fainted..... ......


----------



## mouse_chalk

:laughsmiley::laughsmiley::laughsmiley::laughsmiley:


----------



## Elf Mommy

The Afterlife



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact.

'Mary. Mary.'

'Is that you, Fred? '

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, then off to the golf course.
I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice.
Then I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon.
After supper, off to the golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night.
The next day it starts again. '

'Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.'

'Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Somerset .

​


----------



## slavetoabunny

How To Give Your Cat A Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of catâs mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub catâs throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouseâs forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighborâs shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the **** cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastardâs front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for ASPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


----------



## slavetoabunny

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to my attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. 

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" Phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*** you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting b****.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. 
INSTEAD OF: No f***ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh***ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with Georgia.
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh**.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f***ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f***?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh** won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a**.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh** and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a**.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*** it, I'm on salary!

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a**.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

18 ) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.


----------



## Bo B Bunny

:roflmao:


----------



## slavetoabunny

*Important Health Advice For Women*




]http://soyouwanttobeabanquetmanager.blogspot.com/2008/11/important-health-advice-for-women.html



Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Chardonnay.

Chardonnay is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Chardonnay can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits ofChardonnay almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living, with Chardonnay. Chardonnay may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Chardonnay. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.


----------



## Elf Mommy

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. 
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered
Our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
Arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. 

The cat we put out in the yard, but then scoots back into the house. We
Didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to
Eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. 
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,
My wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty
For the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 
'He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I
Said, as we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I 
Had to
Poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
Off, so I grabbed
Her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
Scratching me. 
But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into
The back yard!'



The cab driver hit a parked car........


----------



## JadeIcing

Thanks I needed a laugh.


----------



## slavetoabunny

*Elf Mommy wrote: *


> SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER..........................................


OMG....I can't believe how hard I laughed at this one. I'm glad my husband wasn't in the room.


----------



## Elf Mommy

I know!!! My cousin sent me that one and I had to call my mother AND sister to tell it to them and then had to tell my hubby, too! It just sounds so ...real! Could've been a bunny with that hiding under the bed thing, too! LOL


----------



## Bo B Bunny

You guys crack me up!!!


----------



## slavetoabunny




----------



## Bo B Bunny

:roflmao:


----------



## JadeIcing

Hahahahaha!


----------



## Bo B Bunny

You know, it wouldn't be funny if anyone had lost their life. 

It's wonderful they all survived!


----------



## JadeIcing

A Politically Correct Christmas Story

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.

And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said; "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee, who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols were not allowed to land, or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and the ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help,â said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort.

"Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too." he said. "No court can resist that!"

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene.

Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture.

"Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter." he quipped.

"We're not haggard or homeless; the inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother, and all Jewish women of my time are called virgins during the first year of their marriage," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, because they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer,â the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance.

He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ox and ass. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist.

Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. âAre you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us as Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here."

Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped.

"They're all male!"

"Not very multicultural!"

"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted.

A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wiseperson among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your son will change the world."

At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face.

The woman spoke again, "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Seasonâs Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter?'"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. And that's not chopped liver!"


----------



## NorthernAutumn

^^^
That made me guffaw and chortle so loud, the cat is mad!:biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2::biggrin2:
You have the most awesome jokes!


----------



## Elf Mommy

**Wild Sex**

A married couple walked in to a Jamaican sandal shop.

The proprietor said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think 
you would be interested in. 

Dey make you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really
didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you
into a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,
finally gave in, and tried them on..

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many
years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his
pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of
the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!'


----------



## JadeIcing

:shock:


----------



## Bo B Bunny

:laugh:


----------



## Pet_Bunny

**Women in sixties gives birth**

As soon as the lady is released from the hospital with child, the relatives come over to see the baby.

"May we see the baby?" one asked.

"Lets have tea first," said the mother.

After tea another asked, "May we see the baby now?"

"Not yet," said the mother. "Would you like some sweets?"

After the sweets, they asked again. "May we see the baby?"

"Not yet," replied the mother. "Another cup of tea?"

This was too much.

"When will we see the baby?" the relatives demanded.

"When he cries," she told them.

"When he cries? Why must we wait until he cries?"

"Because I forgot where I put him."


----------



## Bo B Bunny

LOL That's a good one, Stan! Gotta send that to my sis, mom and nieces!!


----------



## Elf Mommy




----------



## JadeIcing

:rofl:Reminds me ofa littlegirl at work the other day. She turns to her mom in a loud voice and goes...."I pooted!"


----------



## Elf Mommy




----------



## Pet_Bunny

"Money is like Manure"

Spread it around and it does wonderful things. ink iris:
Leave it in a pile, and it stinks like :censored2:.


----------



## JadeIcing

+----------------- Bizarre Test Answers ------------------+

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to
do what she did. Other women have become scientists since
her, but they didn't get to find radios because they were
already taken.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the
apple.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife
was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the
animals come onto in pears.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed
to get the tombstone off the entrance.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "caesarian section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels, and you get
intercontinental.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them
perspire.

The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."


----------



## JadeIcing

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
****, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


----------



## JadeIcing

Employee Placement Method 

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people
to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take
the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room
with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without
any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are
doing. 

- If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. 

- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. 

- If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to
Manufacturing. 

- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. 

- If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. 

- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
Security. 

- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to
Marketing. 

- If they've left early, put them in Sales. 

- And if they're all bullying each other, they're Management material.


----------



## JadeIcing

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife," he tells the doctor,
"when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it,
and I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked
over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball
stuck right in the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, as I was standing there holding up the tail, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'"


----------



## JadeIcing

Some Valentine's poetry for you all 

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: 

Marrying you has screwed up my life. 

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. 

That's why I always wake up screaming. 

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; 

This describes everything you are not. 

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, 

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed. 

5. I thought that I could love no other 

-- that is until I met your brother. 

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. 

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's 

empty and so is your head. 

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace; 

But don't take that paper bag off your face. 

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes 

****, I'm good at telling lies! 

9. My love, you take my breath away. 

What have you stepped in to smell this way? 

10. My feelings for you no words can tell, 

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.' 

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? 

Two parts vodka, one part lime.


----------



## JadeIcing

"The Revenge of Anguished English", Richard Lederer's fifth book on
accidental assaults on the English language, has been released, and is
hilarious. Here are a few examples:

From: "Classy Kiddisms":

The kindergarten teacher asked her students what color they would get
if they mixed blue and yellow. A little boy immediately shouted,
"Green!" The teacher impressed with the quick response, asked the boy
how he knew. "My mommy puts the blue stuff in the potty and when I do
pee, it turns green."

Ray's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The
firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked
the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" Ray's hand shot up and the
firefighter called on him. "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready."

From: "Blessed be the Children":

A little girl stared questioningly at her grandfather. Finally she
asked, "Grandpa, were you on Noah's Ark?" The grandfather replied with
a slight chuckle, "Of course not." Then the girl asked, "Then how come
you didn't drown?"

A teacher was explaining the story of Noah and his ark to her young
students. She asked the class if they thought Noah did a lot of fishing
during the flood. "No," said a bright boy, "he only had two worms."

From: "Super-duper Student Bloopers";

Someone who runs for an office he already holds is called an
incompetent.

The four gospels were written by John, Paul, George, and that other
guy.

From: "Playing Politics":

"My vision is to make the most diverse state on earth, and we have
people from every planet . . . On the earth in this state." â Gray
Davis, former governor of California.

"I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a
woman." California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." â
President Gerald Ford

From: "Making Sport of English":

"If I'd have hit that harder, I'd of missed it closer." - Yogi Berra,
while playing in a golf tournament.

"Leo Label has been playing with a pulled stomach muscle, showing a
lot of guts." â Jim McKay

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in
football?" â Stuart Hall

From: "Not a Prayer":

Reverend Hammond was congratulated on being able to get his parish
plastered.

The minister said that the church widows were a disgrace to the parish
and that it was time somebody washed them.

"I am the resurrection and the life. Whosoever believes in me, even
though he diets, yet he shall live."

"From: Law and Disorder":

Q. "And, Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff in
this case, was the young lady pregnant?"
A. "The young lady was pregnant, but not as a result of my
examination."

Q. "Who are you living with?"
A. "My parents."
Q. "Did you have any siblings with you at the time?"
A. "Just my brothers and sisters."

From: "Prescriptions for Trouble":

The patient had no recollection of any memory loss.

The patient states that diarrhea runs in his family.

Before his admission, patient was found with his wrists cut by his
landlady.

From: "Signs That Should Resign":

In a cemetery: Due to the grave-digger's strike, all grave digging
will be done by a skeleton crew.

On a store:
Senior Citizens
Buy One, Get One Free

On a Movie Theater marquee:
Erin Brockovich
Screwed
My Dog Skip

From: "Warning: Loony Labels":

On a package of five-inch fishing lures: Harmful if swallowed

On a public toilet: Recycled water unsafe for drinking.

In a manual for a microwave oven: Do not use for drying pets.


----------



## JadeIcing

From a dear lady on another bunny list...

Carefully handed down from Nikita Dearest:

1. We don't want to be underfoot if you have guests over. They are not accustomed to us and don't watch where they step. Keep us safely out of harms way. (Some of those shoes your lady friends wear are *deadly*.)

2. If we want something fermented, we'll have a cecal snack. No spiking our beverages or allowing guests to do so. Remember, we have the priciest d--- vet in the city, and we're not afraid to make you drag us down there again. Same for party snacks; be generous and buy us our own, like cilantro, and don't feed us anything that will make us look as pathetic as a hungover human the next day with tummyaches.

3. There are no renowned rabbit pyrotechnics artists. How could this be... oh, that's right, we don't like them! Any cave will suffice, but hiding underneath your bed would be our favorite place to hide while you humans are busy exploding things.

4. Just because you want to sleep in on 1/1 does not mean we do. Tuck us into bed with plenty of extra hay and water so we can eat a respectable breakfast at a respectable time. Unless you want to set an alarm clock for 6 am and feed us properly, which we are also willing to accept.

5. Buy generous amounts of champagne for your guests; it's guaranteed that they will see an errant pootie or two while at your house, but with the right amount of inebriation, they might not be able to remember that...


----------



## Elf Mommy

Holy Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not
bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to
the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled,

he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure
enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, Then twice and
three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then
yells.


"Holy Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"


----------



## JadeIcing

LOVE IT!


----------



## slavetoabunny

:roflmao:


----------



## Pet_Bunny

:hbunnysmell:


----------



## Pet_Bunny

A nun, badly needing a washroom walked into Hooters.
The place was hopping. Occasionally the room went dark, and everybody would cheer.
The nun asked if she could use the ladies' room.

"Sure," said the bartender. "But there's a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf."
The nun said she'd simply have to look the other way.

As she returned from the ladies' room, the whole place applauded.
"Why are they applauding me?" she asked.


"Every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue." the bartender explained, " the lights go out."


----------



## Elf Mommy




----------



## NorthernAutumn

Q: How do rabbits travel?
A: By hareplane.

Q: What is a bunny's motto?
A: "Don't be mad, be hoppy!"

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? 
A: Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses! 

Q: What is a rabbit's favorite dance style?
A: Hip-Hop!

Q: Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
A: On their bunnymoon!


----------



## Pet_Bunny

Organic Diet?

Can't eat pork ... Swine flu.

Can't eat chicken ... Bird flu.

Can't eat beef ... Mad cow.

Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella.

Can't eat fish ... Mercury poisoning.

Can't eat vegetables ... Insecticides.

Can't eat fruits ... Pesticides.

All what's left ... Chocolate and Ice Cream. :biggrin2:


----------



## NorthernAutumn

I could go for some chocolate and ice cream right about now!
------------------------------------------------------------


 A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. 

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. 

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. 

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said. 

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow!"


----------



## JadeIcing

An allegedly real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL's
(the UK's biggest cable TV and ISP firm) complaints department.

Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of
service which I had not previously considered possible, as well
as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some
entertaining reading material as you while away the working day
smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my behind
waiting for your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website...how?

I alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing solitaire
for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both
familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to
bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his
cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After
several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over
4 weeks) my modem arrived...a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, AND begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
35%. These are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight,
Monday to Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.
I am still waiting for my telephone connection. In fact, I have
made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this
week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of
disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
malarky jugglers.

I have been informed that:
- A telephone line is available (or someone will call me back);
- No telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);
- I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
- I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer
machine informing me that your office is closed);
- I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been redirected to the
irritating Scottish robot woman), and several other variations
on this theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at
least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also
another one of those crucially important solitaire to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to
voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending
hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT (a competitor of NTL) was horrible, that they had
attained the holy pot of god-awful customer relations, that no
one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or
more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's
why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is
there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of jerks you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended intestine, incompetents of the highest order. British
Telecom - jerks though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of
success, in the filthy pus-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
do likewise, and cease any potential future attempts to extort
payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and
catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - although these
feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps a
small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete
contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely
hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they
were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel
considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their
rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment
of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a
nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of jerks.


----------



## Elf Mommy

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a  couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.


----------



## JadeIcing

*Mermaid or Whale*



Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan
woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

"THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym..

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable
baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves
with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like
Patagonia and the coral reefs of Polynesia .

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible
creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved,
protected and admired by almost everyone in the world..

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the
offices of psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them. Not
to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I'd rather be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
grandkids, a good dinner with my husband and a coffee/lunch with my friends.


With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to
the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured,
educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I
will think, Good gosh, look how smart I am


----------



## NorthernAutumn

ROFL!
Great one!

Here's another (courtesy of my dad): 

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks,?'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers
'What'd you get?' 


Joey replied...
"Four months vacation and five good leads."


----------



## Wabbitdad12

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few monthsago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entirecity. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fenceand ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, madefor26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more youhave in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp bigwheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. Iknew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the moweraround the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.


It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.


Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my righthand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mindthe charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture ofan upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is myp***** trying to climb up the frontside of my body.. My ears curled downwards and I could feel thelawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time thatBriggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. Iwas literally at one with the engine.


It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmowerwere fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I begto differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind
of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leanedback and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed likethere were minutes in between but in reality it was so close togetherit was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding ontothe fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so Ican't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electricfences.....but Dad always had those pieces of sh** chargers made byInternational or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is nowaccepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex riverbottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just manup and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'****!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into aloping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh Godplease die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the roughlumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller camEFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not takeme that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe inthe misery my own stupidity had created..

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up layingon the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. Itwas later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, andthen another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I wason the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizureand in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a fewthings:


1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad
as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think ourlittle session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, becauseit was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking ofthe number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. Iappreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check tomake sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, Ican clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THATgives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me totriple check before I mow.


----------



## JadeIcing

+-------------- Bizarre Real Newspaper Ads ---------------+

3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience
preferred.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or
drink.

Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.

Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75
Children $2.00.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing
to travel.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs
and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here
first.


----------



## kirbyultra

lol - For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.


----------



## Elf Mommy

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.







*Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway;* it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off! *****
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. 

*Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

*Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more. Expect less


*NOW ....... *Enough of that crap*. *The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died miserably from septic shock.








*MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

*When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.


----------



## kirbyultra

lol!


----------



## NorthernAutumn

Sorry, had to modify a-ss to get around our great wordfilter 

[align=center]*
The Pastor's A-ss* 
[/align] *
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again and it won again.


The local paper read:
**PASTOR'S A-SS OUT FRONT.*
*

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day the local paper headline read:* 
*BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A-SS
**

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:
**
**NUN HAS BEST A-SS IN TOWN.
**

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so
she sold it to a farmer for $10.* 

*
The next day the paper read:* 
*NUN SELLS A-SS FOR $10.
**

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
**

The next day the headlines read:* 
*NUN ANNOUNCES HER A-SS IS WILD AND FREE.


**The Bishop was buried the next day.

*[align=center]*****
[/align]* 


The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be **yourself** and enjoy life.

**Stop worrying about everyone else's a-ss** and you'll be a lot happier
and live longer!

Have a nice day!*


----------



## NorthernAutumn

[align=center]*Cooter and Gomer*
[/align]
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, 
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two a-ssholes.'

'What? He had two a-ssholes?' asked the mortician.


'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two a-ssholes.'

:biggrin2:

(You can thank my dad for this, by the way )


----------



## NorthernAutumn

Here's another one from my dad (I think I'm the only person he actually knows on his email list, so he sends me all the gems )

*Two **clever **nuns **- **This is Brilliant*

*
There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical **(SM)* *,**

and the other one was known as Sister Logical **(SL* *).** 

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. **

SM:* *Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. **

SL:** It's logical. He wants to ******* *us. **

SM: **Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? **

SL:** The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
*
*
A little while later...
*
*SM:* *It's not working. **

SL:** Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. **

SM**: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. **

SL:** The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. 

So the man decided to follow **Sister Logical.* 

*

Sister Mathematical **arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to **Sister Logical**. 

Then **Sister Logical** arrives. **

SM: **Sister Logical**! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! **

SL**: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me **

SM**: Yes, yes! But what happened then? **

SL**: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. **

SM**: And? **

SL** : The only logical thing happened. He reached me. **

SM** : Oh, dear! What did you do? **

SL** : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. **

SM** : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? **

SL**: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. *

*
SM:** Oh, no! What happened then? **


SL** : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. 




And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, 

Say two Hail Marys! *

*
*


----------



## kirbyultra

LOL! Nice one!


----------



## Wabbitdad12

That was good!


----------



## Wabbitdad12

[align=center]*Urgent Warning forNext Thursday!!!*[/align]
[align=center][/align]

*Aliens are coming to Earth on next Thursday and their mission is to abduct all good looking and sexy "old" people. *


*You will be safe; I'm just emailing you to say goodbye.*


----------



## kirbyultra

:roflmao:


----------



## NorthernAutumn

We'll miss you, Dave!
Hope the probing goes well


----------



## Wabbitdad12

Fathers Day is coming!



Once in awhile something so totally cool comes out that even a guy who doesnât normally even know what heâd like for Fatherâs Day or Christmas would immediately ask for it: 

Thank you, DeWalt!!! 







[align=center]New Nail Gun, made by DeWALT. 
It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X4 at 200 yards.
This makes construction a breeze,
You can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. 
Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back,
Relax with a cold (Adult Beverage) drink and when she has the board in the right place,
Just fire away. [/align]

[align=center]
With the hundred round magazine
You can build the fence with a minimum of reloading. 
After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun
The wife will not ask you to build or fix anything else, probably, ever again. [/align]


----------



## Wabbitdad12

*Short Safari story,*




[align=center]One of the great photo captions of all time...........

[/align]


[align=center]



[/align]


----------



## Wabbitdad12

As I walked down the busy sidewalk withmy wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turn to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them...

Recalling my old pastor, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked", I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes,where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

Asmall voice inside my head called out,"Reach out, reach out and touch this person"...

















So I did and my wife reached out and touched me.

*



*

*I won't be at church this week.

*


----------



## Wabbitdad12

*Marriage Laws* 

*Louisiana*

Itâs most likely that your wedding was officiated by a religious figure or judge. Or, if you're a bit more eccentric than some, you had a friend become ordained so he or she could marry you. New Orleans has made it illegal for palm readers, fortune tellers, mystics and the like to officiate a wedding. Guess they don't want you peeking at your future â you'll just have to go into it with blind faith like everyone else! 



*Connecticut*

Imagine it: You get a babysitter so you and your hubby can go out for a romantic dinner. Afterward you take a stroll around town. Caught in the moment, you lean in for a passionate kiss. Busted! The police can cuff you and throw you in jail â that is, if you live in Hartford, Connecticut ... and it's Sunday. Well, maybe not these days, but technically, itâs still illegal in this city for a man to kiss his wife on the Lord's Day. 



*Kansas
*

Many husbands would probably say their mother-in-law isn't their favorite person in the world. But for those who really,_ really_ dislike their wife's mother, moving to Wichita, KS, might be a good option. In this city, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce. 



*South Carolina*

In South Carolina it's illegal for a man over 16 years old to propose marriage and not mean it. Doing so means he's committing a misdemeanor under the Offenses Against Morality and Decency Act. Not sure if that means he will be forced to marry the woman in question, or if he can't ask for a womanâs hand as a way to seduce her. We hope it's the latter. 



*Massachusetts*

Despite the fact that the infamous witch trials were over 300 years ago, religious conservatism is still alive in Salem, Massachusetts â at least on the law books. Apparently, married couples are not allowed to sleep in the nude in a rented room. Of course, reflecting on numerous media reports about germs on hotel bedspreads, who would want to?!

*Mississippi*

In Truro, Mississippi, a groom-to-be must "prove himself manly" prior to marriage by hunting and killing either six blackbirds or three crows. Manly is a good thing. Dead birds? Not so much. 



*Kentucky
*

In Kentucky, it's illegal to remarry the same man four times. Honestly, good for Kentucky: If you've already divorced him three[/i] times, someone should step in. Of course, as long as it's different men, you can get married and divorced as many times as you like.


*Delaware*


Ever been dared to get married ... as a prank? Neitherhas anyone else. But apparently this happens often enough in Delaware that it's actually an option when couples file for an annulment. Along with the basic reasons such as marrying "without the capacity to consent" or "under duress," couples can now check "because of a jest or dare" when applying to dissolve their nuptials. 



*Arkansas*


For a few months between 2007 and 2008, anyone under 18 could get married in Arkansas with parental consent. (Yes, even babies â as their parents agreed!) The original law was meant to allow pregnant teenagers to get married if their parents approved, but lawmakers forgot to put in an age minimum. The law was corrected in April 2008, making the minimum age 17 for boys and 16 for girls. 



*Montana
*

Marriage by proxy, which means someone stands in for a bride/groom who can't be present at his/her wedding, is limited to members of the U.S. Armed Forces. But of the four states that allow the practice â California, Colorado, Texas and Montana â Montana is the only one that allows double-proxy weddings. Essentially, neither the bride nor groom has to show up. Callit old-fashioned, but it doesnât seem like the ideal start to the biggest commitment of one's life.


----------



## Ivory

Louisiana's marriage law is ridiculous accurate LOL


----------



## Pet_Bunny

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - considering their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. 
Finally, when the squirrels began to nibble on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'You mean they actually chewed on your, uh.... equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes..

Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.


----------



## 3rabbitsandcounting

following.


----------



## Nancy McClelland

Do you know how to catch a polar bear? You cut a hole in the ice and line it around with canned peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole---------been waiting more than 60 years to use that one!


----------



## 3rabbitsandcounting

So funny!


----------



## Nancy McClelland

Roy Rogers needed a new pair of cowboy boots, so he went all out and bought a pair of Python boots, even though they were expensive. He got back to the ranch and did some chores, so his wife, Dale Evans made him leave the on the porch 'cause they were dusty. That night a mountain came by, ans since cats don't like snakes, the boots got tore up. When Roy found his boots, he was so upset that he saddle up Trigger, his horse and grabbed his 30-30 and hunted the cat down. He brought it back to the ranch draped over a pack animal, at which time Dale exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes" (to the tune of "Chattanooga Choo-Choo") Been holding that one for a few decades too!


----------



## Nancy McClelland

A bullfrog goes to a bank and asks for a loan, but all he has for collateral is a ceramic elephant Unsure of what to do, the loan officer, Mr. Paddywag asks his boss for advice. His boss does not hesitate with a reply: "It's a knick-knack, Paddywag, give the frog a loan."


----------



## Milyvan

Just for you Nancy (as I also have been holding those jokes these many years but also have 1 more): 

Astronauts land on an alien planet and see herds of little round furballs all scurrying in one direction. (No, they weren't after craisins.  ) Curious, they followed them into a cave where there stood a 9' tall furball with a hypodermic needle on it's head.

"Are you the leader?" One of the astronauts asked.

Came the reply "No. I'm the furry with the syringe on top." (The Surrey With the Fringe On Top)

If you got this, thank a senior!


----------



## Nancy McClelland

I have a lot more, too, but the wife said to take it easy on everyone here!


----------



## Nancy McClelland

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes a large portion of noodles into his bowl, and tops it with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with the consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Meanwhile, Luke is using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping food all over. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."


----------



## samoth

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that ammount, puts out the fire, and survives.

The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that ammount, puts out the fire, and survives.

The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall. 

The engineer went to build a Universal Automatic Nailer -- a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall. 

The physicist conducted series of experiments on strength of hammers, nails, and walls and developed a revolutionary technology of ultra-sonic nail hammering at super-low temperature. 

The mathematician generalized the problem to a N dimensional problem of penetration of a knotted one dimensional nail into a N-1 dimensional hyper-wall. Several fundamental theorems are proved. Of course, the problem is too rich to suggest a possibility of a simple solution, even the existence of a solution is far from obvious. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The physicist and the engineer are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. They yell out for help: "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" 

15 minutes later, they hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're in a hot-air balloon!!" 

The physicist says, "That must have been a mathematician." 

The engineer asks, "Why do you say that?" 

The physicist replied: "The answer was absolutely correct, and it was utterly useless." 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dean, to the physics department: "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math. department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..." 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cat Theorem: 
A cat has nine tails. 
Proof: 
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.


----------



## Nancy McClelland

A guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast at Christmas time. After looking over the menu he orders eggs Benedict. When his breakfast arrives,iti's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "what's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"


----------



## Whiterabbitrage

:laugh:


----------



## Nancy McClelland

The Pope dies, and goes to heaven, of course. He waits in a very long line to talk to St Peter. When he finally makes it to the head of the line, Peter shakes his hand and welcomes him to heaven. Next, Peter shows him to his simple little room and tells him he's very busy and that they can talk later when things settle down. After a while he hears a great deal of noise and goes outside where he see's Peter loading up a guy into a gigantic limo, drives him up to meet God on his throne and then drops him off at a huge mansion. Later when he meets up with Peter he questions him about what he saw. In life I was the Pope and new all the important people on Earth but I didn't recognize that guy, so, why such lavish treatment? It's like this says Peter, we have lots of Pope's here, but he's our first lawyer!


----------



## Milyvan

Nancy, you forced me to do this: I was holding it back but can't any longer. 

2 brothers died in a car crash and one -Frank Sam- went to heaven while the other -Sam Frank- went to hell. After many centuries God told Frank Sam he'd been not only exemplary but also his harp playing had pleased Him greatly so he'd grant him a wish.

"Well, I'd really like to visit my brother" Frank Sam said. God agrees, telling him to go ahead but be back in 6 hours.

Frank Sam gets down there and his brother's running this amazing discotheque. Everysoul there is dancin' & jammin' & just having a helluva time. (Punintended.) Frank Sam is jammin' along having such a great time he loses track of it and suddenly realizes he's late. Bidding his brother a hasty adieu he races back to heaven.

There stands St. Peter, looking upset. "Frank Sam, you're late!" he exclaims. "And where's your harp?!?"

"I left my harp in Sam Frank's disco."


----------



## Nancy McClelland

Bob, Bill and Jim are riding their motorcycles on hiway 1. They pull out to pass a car on a blind hill and are hit by a truck and killed. They wake up, in Hell, with the Devil standing over them. He tells them that it is getting quite crowded here, so, if they can give him a task he can't perform he will let them resume their life on Earth. Bob looks around and sees a boulder as big as a house so he bets the Devil he can't pick it up. The Devil picks it up and tosses it out of site and into the pit goes Bob.Bill nervously looks around and sees a river of lava, so he tells the devil to make it flow backward. The devil snaps his fingers, the lava flows backward and Bob goes into the pit. The Devil looks at Jim who has a huge grin on his face, and reminds him of how serious this is and he doesn't want to join his friends in the pit. Jim looks right at old Scratch, lifts his leg, and lets loose with a loud fart. He then tells the devil, "catch that and paint it green!" Milyvan and the devil made me do it--and there's almost 7 decades of this kind of corn stored between my ears!


----------



## Milyvan

Nancy McClelland said:


> A guy goes into a restaurant for breakfast at Christmas time. After looking over the menu he orders eggs Benedict. When his breakfast arrives,iti's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "what's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"



I've been sharing this one everywhere I go and everyone has gotten a good laugh from it. TY!


----------



## Aki

After the death of Quasimodo, the bishop of Notre-Dame advertises a job to ring the bell in his tower. The only job applicant is a hunchback with no arms. The bishop is incredulous : "How can you do the job? You can't pull the rope!" "I can, says the hunchback. We have to go to the top of the tower, where the bell is, so I can show you." So they climb all those stairs to the top of the tower. "Show me your skills, then", says the bishop.
The hunchback runs and jumps at the bell, striking it with his face. Sure enough, he rings the bell beautifully.
So despite his misgivings, the bishop hires the hunchback.

Every day the hunchback comes in and rings the bell. One day, he decides to try to ring the bell louder. He goes to the farthest corner of the tower, and runs as fast as he can toward the bell. When he jumps up and hits it with his face, the bell rings clear and loud. Unfortunately, the hunchback hit the bell so hard he's a little groggy. He staggers around a bit, and falls out the belfry window to the street below.

As a crowd gathers around the hunchback's mangled body lying in the street, the bishop goes out to investigate the commotion.

A policeman arrives and asks: "Bishop, who was that man?" The bishop replies sadly: "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."


----------



## Milyvan

:laugh:


----------



## Milyvan

I've not seen these 2 quickies here so.......

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit? The tame way. Unique up on it.

:eyeroll:


----------



## Nancy McClelland

:lalalala:


----------



## Whiterabbitrage

Please keep these jokes coming. They make my day!


----------



## Nancy McClelland

A man gets a diagnosis from his Doctor that he's got cancer and only has a month to live. He loathes all of his relatives and doesn't want to leave them anything. He sells all of his possessions and goes to see a priest, a baptist minister and a Rabbi. He extracts a promise from all three that if he gives them each a third of his money that they will put it in his casket just before he's buried, so in essence "he can take it with him." At his funeral, they all place an envelope in his casket, which is then closed and interred. Since they all know each other, they were talking after the burial and all shared what they had done. The priest said he felt bad as he held back $5,000 as there were a lot of poor in his parish. The Baptist said he held back $10,000 for the same reason. The Rabbi shook his head, told them that he was ashamed of them for not keeping their promise, and that "He wrote him a check for the full amount!"


----------



## Milyvan

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Cool!" says the man, "But what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway. The steaks are too high."


----------



## Milyvan

Adam is moping around the Garden of Eden when God asks him what's wrong. Adam says it's great and he loves it but he's lonely. So God creates Eve.

After Eve's been around a few days Adam is meandering through the Garden again when God asks if everything's ok.

"Well, it's Eve. Why did You make her so lovely?"
"That's so you'd love her, My son."

"Why did You make her skin and hair so soft?"
"That's so you'd want to touch her and be with her, My son."

"Ok, but why'd You make her so dumb?"
"That's so she'd want to be with you, My son."


----------



## Nancy McClelland

John was riding his motorcycle home from work one night, and when he came around a corner he spotted the Orphanage on fire and burning. Without any hesitation, he swung into the parking lot, jumped off his bike and ran into the burning building several times to rescue children. Once the fire was out and he was ready to leave, he heard a loud, booming voice coming from above. The voice was God's and told John that since he was a good and selfless person that God would grant him a wish. John thought for a couple of minutes, and then stated that he always wanted to ride his bike to Hawaii but there needed to be a bridge built. God told John he could do it, but it would use up a lot of the Earths' resources, so was there maybe something else he'd like that was less wasteful. John thought for a minute and then siad, "I'd like to be able to understand women!" God then replied, "would you like 2 lanes or 4 lanes?"


----------



## DJSpanky

A man walks into a saloon in the Old West and asks for a whiskey. While he's sipping his whiskey, he looks over and sees a horse with a sign that says: "Make the horse laugh and win a twenty dollar gold piece." So he asks the bartender if he can try, then walks over to the horse and whispers something in its ear. The horse cracks up, laughing so hard he's rolling on the floor. The man walks back to the bar, collects his gold piece and leaves.

A week later, the same man walks into the same saloon and again orders a whiskey. He looks over and sees the same horse, this time with a sign that says: "Make the horse cry and win a twenty dollar gold piece." So he goes over to the horse, takes him in the back room for a moment, and when they come out the horse is bawling. The man walks back to the bar and collects his gold piece. As he's about to leave, the bartender says: "Hey, wait a minute. You gotta tell me what you did, last week to make him laugh and this week to make him cry." So the man says: "Well, last week I told him that I was hung better than him. This week I showed him."


----------



## DJSpanky

_A salesman, a lawyer and a marketing executive were out on a boat in the ocean fishing. A freak wave overturned their boat, causing it to sink. There was a small crag of rock nearby, jutting out of the ocean, so they began to swim for it. Soon the sharks started circling. Then, in an instant, one of them struck the marketing executive and they all converged in a feeding frenzy. The salesman and the lawyer swam faster to get to the rock, but soon the sharks were back circling again. Again, they struck and the salesman disappeared under the water. Now, it was just the lawyer swimming. Again, the sharks started circling, staying with him until he finally reached the rock and climbed up on it. 

A couple of hours later, a Coast Guard helicopter showed up and winched him off of the rock. As they were flying back to land, he related the story to the crew. They were amazed, and one of them asked him: "How was it that they didn't attack you?" to which the lawyer replied: "Professional courtesy."_


----------



## Nancy McClelland

This guy walks into a bar to get a drink. On the bar is a jar full of $100 dollar bills, so intrigued, he asks the bartender about it. The bartender tells him if he can perform 3 challenges after putting another hundred to the jar that he'll win all the money. Since he's curious and feels he's fairly tough he kicks in a Hundred Dollar Bill and asks what the rules are. The bartender tells him that he has to drink 10 shots of 151 proof rum in 2 minutes or less, go into the room #1 and wrestles a gorilla and if he beats the gorilla, he then goes into room #2 and has to make love to a 90 year old woman. So the bartender pours the rum and the guy downs all 10 shots in less than 2 minutes. Next, he goes into room #1 and there is a lot of noise--things crashing and banging into the walls. This goes on for about 5 minutes and then the bartender can hear the Gorilla screaming for a couple of minutes. The guy comes out all bruised and bloody with his clothes in rags and asks the bartender in a very slurred and drunk voice, "okay, now where the hell is this woman I have to wrestle?"


----------



## DJSpanky

_*Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.*_


----------



## DJSpanky

Whaddaya call 100 lawyers buried in the sand up to their necks? Not enough sand.

Whaddaya call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? Lipstick.

Whaddaya call 100 lawyers skydiving? Skeet.


----------



## Milyvan

Just a few pics I thought might bemuse:


----------



## Nancy McClelland

Once again proving truth is stranger than fiction.


----------



## Nancy McClelland

Trump, the Pope and a boyscout are being flown in Airforce one when the Colonel in charge comes back and tells them bad news--the plane is going to crash and they have only 2 parachutes. The Pope tells them that he's had a good life, so he'll stay with the plane. Trump pushes them out of the way, grabs a chute and opens the door while telling them he's the most important of the 3 and that he's also the smartest man in the world so he deserves to live and then jumps out the open door. The Pope tells the scout to take a chute and save himself too. The scout then replies, "it's okay father, the smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack and jumped out of the plane, so we both still have chutes!"


----------



## Milyvan

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. 

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. 
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. 

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. 
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"


----------



## Milyvan

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.

'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'

'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will.' 
'Well, you were wrong.'


----------



## DJSpanky

*If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.*


----------



## Nancy McClelland

A woman is flying on a plane and finds out she seated next to a doctor. She starts up a conversation with him and then tells him she has a question, bit's a bit embarrassing. He tells her that he's heard it all, so go ahead and ask away. So, she asks if she could get pregnant from anal sex? The doctor answers, "of course you can, how do you think we get lawyers?"


----------



## DJSpanky

*Don't steal. That's the government's job.*


----------



## Milyvan

Blonde on a plane seated next to a lawyer. He keeps trying to talk but she's not interested. Trying to engage her he says "How about we play a game? You ask me a riddle & if I can't answer it I'll give you $5, then I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it you give me $5."

"Oh no. I couldn't afford that."
"What if I give you $10 for each wrong answer but you still only give me $5?"
"No thank-you"
"$20 and $5?"
"No."

Finally he says "How about I give you $500 for each question I can't answer and you give me $1 for those you can't"
The woman sighs an ok.

"Great!" the lawyer7 says. "You can even start."

"Ok. What starts out with 3 legs, goes up a hill with 4 legs and comes down with 3?"

The lawyer thinks & thinks. He pulls out his tablet and starts doing internet searches. After quite some time he gives up and gives her $500.

"So what is it?" he asks.

She answers "I don't know." handing him $1.


----------



## DJSpanky

So a redhead, a blonde and a brunette, all pregnant, are sitting in the OB/Gyn waiting room. They get to talking, and eventually the brunette says: _"I'm going to have a boy because my man was on top when I conceived."_ The redhead immediately says: _"Well, we're having a girl because I was on top!"_ The blonde bursts into tears. The other two rush over to console her and ask her what's wrong. She bursts out: _"I'm going to have puppies!"_


----------



## Nancy McClelland

A dad took his six year old son to his first football game. Afterward he asked the boy what he thought of the game? It was exciting he replied, but I don't understand why they were killing each other for twenty five cents. What do you mean, the dad asks him? Well, everyone kept yelling "Get the quarter back!"


----------



## DJSpanky

*Two jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender looked at them and said: "You guys better not start anything in here!"*


----------



## DJSpanky

_I'm trying to date a philosophy professor, but she doesn't even know if I exist or not._


----------



## DJSpanky

*Top 3 situations that require witnesses: 1) Crimes 2) Accidents 3) Marriages. Need I say more?*


----------



## DJSpanky

The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.


----------



## DJSpanky

_Somebody stole my mood ring, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that._


----------



## DJSpanky

_Two guys are walking down the street when they come upon a dog sitting and licking his balls. One of them says: "Boy, I wish I could do that!" The other replies: "Perhaps you should pet him first."_


----------



## DJSpanky

_You are proof that evolution CAN go in reverse._


----------



## DJSpanky

_Why did the lion break up with his girlfriend? Because she was a cheetah!





_


----------



## Nancy McClelland

What's the difference between Donald Trump and the Hinderberg? One is a flaming, Nazi gasbag and the other was just a dirigible.


----------



## DJSpanky

*I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.*


----------



## DJSpanky

_Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?_


----------



## DJSpanky

I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.


----------



## DJSpanky

_What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic_


----------



## Nancy McClelland

A Priest commented at a funeral,"We are gathered here today to pay homage to a good man. He was a kind man, a man everyone loved, and a man who treasured his family as much as his family treasured him." The widow suddenly leaned over and whispered to her grandson, "Go make sure that's your grandpa in the coffin."


----------



## DJSpanky

*So, a thought crossed your mind? That must have been a long and lonely journey.*


----------



## Nancy McClelland

One young woman asked another, "how did you like the ballet?" "It was alright," the other replied, "but I don't understand all that toe-dancing. Why don't they just get taller people?"


----------



## DJSpanky

A procrastinator's work is never done.


----------



## DJSpanky

_Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels._


----------



## Cookiemonster

What do you call a cow jumping over the fence?? 

Udder failure!!


----------



## DJSpanky

*Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.*


----------



## DJSpanky

Transitional age is when, during a hot day, you don't know what you want – ice cream or beer.


----------



## Cookiemonster

A rabbit goes into a shop and asks, “got any carrots?” The shop keeper says no and the rabbit leaves. The next day, the rabbit returns and asks, “got any carrots?” Once again the shop keeper says no and the rabbit leaves.

This continues for a week. The next day when the rabbit enters and asks for carrots the shop keeper says, “no! And if you come in here asking for carrots I’m going to nail your ears to the wall.”

The next day the rabbit comes in and asks, “got any nails?”

“No,” says the shopkeeper.

“Good,” says the rabbit. “Got any carrots…?”


----------



## Cookiemonster

What do you call 500 rabbits walking backwards??


A receding hare line!!


----------



## DJSpanky

*My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.*


----------



## Nancy McClelland

I'm not one to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding.


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## DJSpanky

_How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?_


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## DJSpanky

*I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.*


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## Nancy McClelland

I don't want to be a millionaire, I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while I'm pumping gas!


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## DJSpanky

*The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.*


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## Nancy McClelland

An Ohio based company made a cup holder for dip that attaches to a dashboard so you can eat chips and dip while you drive.I don't have a joke about this. I just wanted to remind everyone we're still the greatest country in the world. Conan O'brien


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## DJSpanky

_Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense._


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## DJSpanky

*Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?*


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## DJSpanky

_If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?_


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## Nancy McClelland

A couple went to see a movie on Valentine's Day. As they sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start, the screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the concession stand. The couple realized there was no sound. The film began, but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice shouted, "O K, who's got the remote control?"


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## DJSpanky

_I had prepared for a battle of wits but I see you came unarmed._


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## DJSpanky

*If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?*


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## DJSpanky

_Remember, children: the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother._


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## Nancy McClelland

A husband and wife were reading a magazine and a newspaper when the wife burst out laughing. Listen to this she said. There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium. Hmmm, her husband replied not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, the wife asked, would you swap me for a season ticket? Never, he said. That's sweet-tell me why not. His reply, "the season is half over."


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## DJSpanky

My calling in life went straight to voicemail.


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## DJSpanky

_Never answer an anonymous letter._


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## DJSpanky

*We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.*


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## DJSpanky

_Girls are like roads, the more curves they have, the more dangerous they are._


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## DJSpanky

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.


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## Nancy McClelland

How did the Hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool!


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## DJSpanky

_I'm not lazy ... I'm just in my energy saving mode._


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## DJSpanky

*My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering: do I keep the letters?*


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## Nancy McClelland

I was the best door-to-door security alarm salesman for many years running. The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.


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## DJSpanky

_Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time._


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## Nancy McClelland

I play golf in the low 70's. If it gets colder than that, I quit.


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## DJSpanky

*I threw a boomerang many years ago. I now live in constant fear.*


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## Nancy McClelland

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books, but he's only got his shelf to blame.


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## DJSpanky

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.


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## DJSpanky

_I love my life, but it just wants to be friends..._


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## Nancy McClelland

My wife has the funnies way of starting conversations. She always begins by saying,"hey' are you listening?"


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## Milyvan

Nun caught in a downpour went into a monastery for shelter to find she was just in time for dinner. It turned out to be the most delicious fish & chips she ever ate. Wanting to thank them she walked into the kitchen and found 2 cooks. Telling them how wonderful it was she asked who made what.

"Well I'm the fish friar." said one.
"And I'm the chip monk." said the other.


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## DJSpanky

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."


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## DJSpanky

*Statistically 6 out of 7 Dwarfs are not Happy.*


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## DJSpanky

_I hate insects puns: they really bug me._


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## Nancy McClelland

Slept like a log last night--woke up in the fireplace!


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## DJSpanky

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.


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## Milyvan

Nancy McClelland said:


> Slept like a log last night--woke up in the fireplace!


At least you didn't sleep like a baby!


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## Nancy McClelland

"I wish my mouth had a backspace key."


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## DJSpanky

_Sang the rainbow song in front of a police officer, got arrested for colorful language._


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## DJSpanky

_Brains are wonderful, I wish everyone had one._


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## DJSpanky

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?


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## DJSpanky

If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.


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## DJSpanky

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. I told her: _"If I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord."_


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## Nancy McClelland

Life doesn't hand me lemons. It fires them rapidly at me from a lemon cannon!


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## Milyvan

*finds old Ouija board*

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys--"

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

"Guys--"

"Keep going"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-L-I-C-Y


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## Nancy McClelland

I recently saw a sign that said "watch for children". That's actually a pretty fair trade.


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## Nancy McClelland

A young couple struggled to make ends meet and tried to trim the household budget wherever possible. Instead of having a dress dry cleaned, the young woman washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to her husband, "Just think, we are eight dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand." "That's great," her husband replied. "Try washing it again!"


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## jamesewaller

hi larry,-do you remember me..?? i would not blame you,-been a member for 15 years,--have been away for awhile,doctor gave me a bad news years ago,and i have been trying to get back to rol but couldnot get back in,-new everything/pw,id-, to doing some reading/responses -this website has changed and looks better,,---do you remember joseph r cottontail,-alias- jojobeez--we are old members of rol..-how many rabbits does it take to screw in a light bulb??-none,they are nocturnal..he,he,rrrr.


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## Nancy McClelland

Yep, I remember you--not the only one with health issues and a ticking clock--mines at 5 years or less.


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## Nancy McClelland

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere. Lawyers are the only people that can write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief. Hated my job as an Origami teacher, too much paperwork!


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