# Jokes



## Carolyn

TheSnake

andthe




Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and
an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from
birth. 

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since
I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." 

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same
as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my
mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out
what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." 

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. 

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered
with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a
soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." 

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny
suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw , and 
help you the same way you've helped me." 

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and
smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd 
say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly someone in
upper management."


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## Carolyn

A new meaning to going online...


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## Carolyn

Men's new bathing suits...


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## Carolyn

The Importance of a 401K Plan...


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## 

ROTFLMBO !!!!!!!! Ilove the Potty one (hmmmm must show this to the hubby ) 

way too cute ......


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## Carolyn

Gas Prices...


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## Stephanie

LMAO!!!

Those are so funny!! I really needed that this morning too. Thanks.


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## Carolyn

Found Nemo


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## Carolyn

*Parenting 101:* 

Applying a little maternal wisdom, Mom took Billy out for aride in thefamily car to talk about his behaviorissues at home and at school.On that ride, shebonded with Billy in a special, yet subtleway.Billynolonger "sasses" backat Mom or complains when he has his homework orchores to doaround the house. In fact, for the first time ever,Billyhasbecome an Honor Roll Student at hisSchool!

And now you, too, can see how to motivate your kids to dobetter atschooland behave themselves all thetime.


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## ayglnu13

A Sesame street thanks giving 







I hope ya dont mind me posting one, but this is one of my favorites 
~Amy


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## Carolyn

Greatone, Amy!!!


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## ayglnu13

The Real Porta Potty






I love these joke pictures, I have TONS of them 

~Amy


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## ayglnu13

A taste of reality







~Amy


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## Carolyn

Keepthem coming, Amy! These are great!

-Carolyn


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## ayglnu13

~Amy


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## ayglnu13

Weeeeeeeeee






~Amy


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## ayglnu13

Donald Trump's Dog







~Amy


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## Carolyn

Rudy's final act before leaving office...


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## Carolyn

*ayglnu13 wrote: *


> Donald Trump's Dog
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ~Amy


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## Carolyn

Proof that God Exists....


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## ayglnu13

Group pictures near the water 







~Amy


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## ayglnu13

"Mommy look...I'm a make up artist!!"






~Amy


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## ayglnu13

"Now thats one sweet paint job!"






~Amy


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## Carolyn

:shock:


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## Carolyn

For the difficult people in your life...


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## ayglnu13

Carolyn wrote:


> For the difficult people in your life...



OMG owwwww


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## erin

HAHAHHHHAHAHA I seriously needed that


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## Carolyn

Some haven't seen this one yet.

* * * * *

OJ all over again...


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## Carolyn

Quit complaining about your job...


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## Carolyn

Quit complaining about your job...


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## Carolyn

Quit complaining about your job...


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## Carolyn

Last one of the job series...

TGIF!!


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## Carolyn

Going wireless...


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## 

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's
&gt; fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
&gt;
&gt; Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the 
&gt; lawyer.
&gt;
&gt; Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.
&gt; I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
&gt; "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted.
&gt; "Just answer the question?
&gt; Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?
&gt; Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was 
&gt; driving
&gt; down the road...."
&gt;
&gt; The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish 
&gt; the
&gt; fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway 
&gt; Patrolman
&gt; that he was just fine.
&gt;
&gt; Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
&gt; believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
&gt;
&gt; By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and
said 
&gt; to
&gt; the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule,
&gt; Bessie".
&gt;
&gt; Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had
just
&gt; loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her
down
&gt; the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign
and
&gt; smacked my truck right in the side.
&gt;
&gt; I was thrown into one ditch and
&gt; Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want 
&gt; to
&gt; move.
&gt; However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in
&gt; terrible shape just by her groans.
&gt; Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He
could
&gt; hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked 
&gt; at
&gt; her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
&gt;
&gt; Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me,
and 
&gt; said
&gt; "How are you feeling?"
&gt; "Now what the hell would you say?


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## Jenniblu

LMBO!!! That story was too funny.


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## DuncanTheDutch

I have a couple I want to share if it ok.


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## DuncanTheDutch

Learn Chinese, Easy!


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## DuncanTheDutch

Home Alone, With MJ?


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## DuncanTheDutch

Birth of a Candy bar.


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## DuncanTheDutch

Why I will never Bungee Jump.


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## DuncanTheDutch

AGirlfriend Remote.


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## ayglnu13

They were really funny, but we have to becareful with the whole language thing with the Chinese one, becausechildren could be reading this.  Just a thought. 

~Amy


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## Carolyn

Joan Crawford's long lost daughter...


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## Carolyn




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## mygrl2k3

Those were all too funny. Icouldnt read the Chinese one, but i guess its not good so i wont askfor it to be told to me. 

Cristy


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## Paulo

Hope you dont mind me comin in :dude: here are some funny pics



And you think your life is hard...


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## Paulo

Guess which one is a female..


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## Paulo

Sujestions for bald folks...


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## Paulo

Where are the students ?!?


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## VNess2010

Paulo-love the picture of the bald guy! I would totally do that if I were him!

Carolyn- I've seen that pic with Joan Crawford! Too funny!

Here's some pictures I've found:





















[align=center]



[/align]
[align=center]And I hope this last one doesn't offend anybody:[/align]
[align=center]



[/align]


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## Paulo

Loved the bush one Vness anyway---

1337 Keyboard, major hax0rs :shock:


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## bunnylover78642

Yes, I am a kid but don't think those words arenot heard everyday on the bus by some kid that thinks it is cool tocuss!! They were all really funny!!

I have one but I am not sure if it is exactly correct...

What Kids Can Say

One day a mom and son got in the car to go to the grocery store... Themom told the kid to put his seat belt on. After leaving the drive wayand getting on the free way she realized her kid did not followdirections. She pulled over and got out. After pulling the kid out ofthe car and yelling (and a spanking) they got back in the car. The kidammideatly put his seat belt back on.

The next night they went out. It was 4th of July. They were drivingdown the road when the mother yelled "Close your eyes!!" Of course thekid disobeyed... Just then a car drove by with a naked lady on the topgetting fucked. The kid said, "Mommy, that lady isn't wearing her seatbelt!!"

I know I should not have used bad words but it was a simple story. Itwas not as funny as the way my aunt told it but I could not rememberthe rest. Another

A police officer came to school to show the kids the flashing lights...Before he left his K9 started barking from the back seat. A kid walkedup and pulled the cops shirt. "What can I help you with?" the copasked... The kid answered "What did the dog do to go to jail?"


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## Carolyn

*Laughing Hysterically*

THANK YOU, you guys!!!

These really made me burst into laughter!!



TOO MUCH!!

-Carolyn


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## Paulo

I liked the one with the cop and k9 lol 

Heres one my friend told me, no cuss words but just incase, like Carolyn said, Parental discretion is advised 

Its called, Murph and the Poor Box ---

MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had anaffair with a woman. . . almost." The priest says, "What do you mean,almost?" MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, butthen I stopped" The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same asputting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." MURPHY leaves theconfessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. Hepauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who waswatching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that youdidn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but Irubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same asputting it in.


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## Bramble Briar86

Paulo, that last one was hilarious....lmao

Ellie


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## 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath
he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."


A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you
went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him
before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my apartment punctually at
7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me
such beautiful flowers! Then, he took me downstairs, and what's there
but a luxury car, a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took
me out for dinner, and such a marvelous dinner it was - lobster,





champagne, dessert, and after dinner drinks. Then we went to see a
show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from
pleasure! So then, we came back to my apartment and he turned into an
ANIMAL! Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress, and had
his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So, are you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no, I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"



Getting Older...

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them
that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing
things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen" he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it
down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd
better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got
it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

thought ya'll would get a chuckle out of US old Flok ! lol​


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## rabbitluvr04

These jokes are just too funny!!!  I love the toilet paper one.


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## Carolyn

Why I feel safe inAmerica.


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## dajeti2

GodBless America.

Tina

Here's something a friend sent me.

Burglar

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shinedhis flashlightaround,looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player toplace in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed fromthe dark saying, "Jesus is watchingyou." He nearly jumped out of his skin,clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more aftera bit, he shook his head, promised himself avacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and begansearching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so hecould disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus iswatching you. Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically,looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the cornerof the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you saythat?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, thensquawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed."Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?""Moses,"replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" 
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


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## Jenniblu

Good one, Tina!


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## bunnylover78642

THESE ARE GREAT!! It is fun to listen to them!! (well, not really listen but read)


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## 

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for herdate with a very sheer blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother justpitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! 

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes. 

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother issitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explainsto her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is justnot appropriate... 

The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets." 

Happy Gardening.​


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## Carolyn

Okay Gypsy - as Tina would say,

"That is Just SSSick and WRONG!" :X

*laughs*


-Carolyn


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## dajeti2

What a nasty visual Gypsy. As I hold my sore tummy from laughing so hard.

Here's one a friend sent me to cheer me up and boy did it ever.

Tina


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## 

awwww Itdidnt come thru Theres littlered x's on it ( phooey ) .


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## dajeti2

I wonder why it did that. I think I fixed it.

Here are some more jokes.

Think Before You Speak! 

Have you ever spoken and wished thatyou could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawlinto a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids intow and asked loudly, How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blowjob?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. Myhusband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golfballs. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of thegood-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he couldhelp me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I likeplaying with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store thatsold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the displaycase, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sisterstarted to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-redand walked away. To this day, my sister has never let meforget

Have you ever asked your child aquestion too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problemswith potty training and I was on him constantly. One day westopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. Itwas very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, Ismelled something funny, so of course I checked myseven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Dannyhad not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he neededto go,and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that childhas had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have anaccident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have hadan accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, Iasked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" Thistime he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over andspread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! Hecalmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feelbetter by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 daysand a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future,likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow butdon't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, theday after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to theweatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised melast night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crewdid too they were laughing so hard!


Tina


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## m.e.

I'm just reading this post now...






can't...._breathe_....*gasp*....sides....hurt....







Anyway, here's a pretty good one that was actually read recently inchurch (yes, *church* ), and it was too good not share...

*Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy:*

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. Heperforms underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is anE-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2on your FM dial in Ft Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst jobexperience contest. Needless to say, she won.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had abad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it'snot so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with afew technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottomof the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time ofyear the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece ofequipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightfultemperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan,and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when Iget to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it downthe back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It'slike working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started toitch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose outfrom my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what hadhappened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped itinto my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfishcouldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not asfortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actuallygrinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the divesupervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions wereunclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were alllaughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I wasinstructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stopstotalling thirty five minutes before I could reach the surface to beginmy chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brasshelmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears oflaughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told meto rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put thefire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollenshut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about howmuch worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job..."


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## Snuggys Mom

Here's one. I can't remember it word for word, but:

On Easter Sunday, the pastor asks all the children to come downfront. He tells one little girl how pretty her dress is andputs the microphone down to her and she replies, "Yeah, but my mom saysit's a b**** to iron".


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## Carolyn

For those that like bathroom humor ...

http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/1920


http://www.flowgo.com/funpages/view.cfm/5938


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## dajeti2

*Laura wrote: *


> Here's one. I can't remember it word for word, but:
> 
> On Easter Sunday, the pastor asks all the children to come downfront. He tells one little girl how pretty her dress is andputs the microphone down to her and she replies, "Yeah, but my mom saysit's a b**** to iron".






Iwould have died lol. 

Tina

ME, 





Carolyn, That Is Sick and Wrong Girlfriend. It is funny though.


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## Carolyn

"Dogs? What Dogs?"



READ this whole thing before looking at the picture.

Here is a visual-perception challenge for you. See how quickly you can

find the dogs in the picture in the attached JPG file. Read the text

below before looking at the picture.

Typical comments by people taking the test:

1. "I couldn't see a dogs and I stared at the picture for a good 10minutes."

2. "I think it is one of those pictures where you have to stareat acertain spot and then everything comes into focus, but itnever happenedto me. I'll give it another try later."

3. "I almost didn't find the dogs at all!"

4. "There is a dog in this picture? Where?"

5. "This must be a joke; there are no dogs in this picture."

Men seem to do better at this than women, for some reason. The following are average times for men and women:

Women - 12.46 minutes

Men - 1.23seconds

Hint: The dogs appear to be white with black spots. Good luck and happy hunting!


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## Stephanie

Facelift 

A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. 

The surgeon told her about a new procedure called The "Knob," where asmall knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned totighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. 

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of severalyears, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful,the woman remained young looking and vibrant. 

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with twoproblems. She tells him "All these years, everything has been workingjust fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I'vealways loved the results. But now I've developed two annoyingproblems: first, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knobwon't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said,"Those aren't bags, those are your breasts. " 

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."


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## Carolyn

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to 
keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she 
searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest except this one ugly 
frog. 

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! 
He whispered, "I'm lonely, too. Buy me and you won't be sorry." The old 
lady figured what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So she 
bought the frog and went to her car. 

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me. You won't be 
sorry." So the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. 
Immediately, the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, 
handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know 
what the old lady turned into? 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
* 
THE FIRST MOTEL SHE CAME TO!


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## Midnight01

*Carolyn wrote: *


> "Dogs? What Dogs?"
> 
> 
> 
> READ this whole thing before looking at the picture.
> 
> Here is a visual-perception challenge for you. See how quickly you can
> 
> find the dogs in the picture in the attached JPG file. Read the text
> 
> below before looking at the picture.
> 
> Typical comments by people taking the test:
> 
> 1. "I couldn't see a dogs and I stared at the picture for a good 10minutes."
> 
> 2. "I think it is one of those pictures where you have to stareat acertain spot and then everything comes into focus, but itnever happenedto me. I'll give it another try later."
> 
> 3. "I almost didn't find the dogs at all!"
> 
> 4. "There is a dog in this picture? Where?"
> 
> 5. "This must be a joke; there are no dogs in this picture."
> 
> Men seem to do better at this than women, for some reason. The following are average times for men and women:
> 
> Women - 12.46 minutes
> 
> Men - 1.23seconds
> 
> Hint: The dogs appear to be white with black spots. Good luck and happy hunting!






LOL carolyn thats good, i found the dogs!!!!.........idont get it....lol im just kidding, ill post some when i get home frommy friends ^^


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## dajeti2

I looked and looked and looked and I never saw any doggies. Awwand I bet they were cute too. Oh Well, I'll keep looking.

These jokes are getting funnier and funnier. I SO LOVE this thread. This is the first one I check now. 

Tina


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## Snuggys Mom

I forgot about my favorite:

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper exclaims, "You have a drink named Murray?!!!" 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA


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## bunnylover78642

These jokes are great!! Hehehe... I had to printout the one with "I can't find the doggies" for all my friends. Theycouldn't find the doggies for about 5 min.


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## 

i`ve got a joke.There are two old ladies.theyhave been sitting for five hours,and one says''my butts asleep''.the other one says''yeah,I can hear it snooring''.

jeremy


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## ariel

ApollosBro wrote:


> i`ve got a joke.There are two old ladies.they have been sittingfor five hours,and one says''my butts a sleep''.the other onesays''yeah,I can hear it snooring.
> 
> jeremy




LOL Jeremy I'm going to have to remember that one!! I liked it LOL I know a few people who have snoring butts from time to time!


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## Jenniblu

The Chicken Coup
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.

The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL ofthese chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me havethe two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race youaround the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over theentire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the youngrooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of thefarmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot of the front porchwhen he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun andBOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes hishead and says, "D**n it... thirdg*y rooster Ibought this month. "


Remember the quote: Age, experience and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition. -- author unknown​


----------



## Bramble Briar86

That one's really funny Jenniblu.

Ellie


----------



## dajeti2




----------



## Carolyn

Great oneJenniblu!



* * * * * * * * * *

THE MISSIONERY AND THE CHIEF 

A missionary who has spent years showing a tribe ofnativeshow to farm and build to become self-sufficient getsword that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he nevertaught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief andstarts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." 


The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." 

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther, and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." 

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results, when hehears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over thetop, hesees a couple in the midst of heavyromanticactivity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "This is riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out 
his blowgun, and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at thechief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilizedand kind to each other. How could he just kill these people in coldblood that way?​
The chief replied, "My bike." ​


----------



## Snuggys Mom

Good one, Carolyn.

I remembered another one:

Two homeless men are standing around talking. One points to adog across the street licking his, um, man parts, and says, "I wish Icould do that". 

The other one says, "Are you crazy? That dog'll bite you!"

Hee hee


----------



## Jenniblu

LMBO - Carolyn and Laura!


----------



## Carolyn

Laura, yours crack me up too. You're such a cornball! The Murray - and now the dog. 

* * * * * * *

No offense, guys!

* * * * * * *


----------



## dajeti2

Ya'll are cracking me up.

Tina


----------



## Carolyn

Dear Tony,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my
daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I
now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really
should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a
job.

I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge
in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead
of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn
everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool.
I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my
daughter.

Sincerely,

Your future father-in-law


P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.


----------



## Snuggys Mom

*Carolyn wrote:*


> Laura, yours crack me up too. You're such acornball! The Murray - and now the dog.


Yes, I love the really corny, stupid-funny stuff. That's whyI liked the movie Napoleon Dynamite so much. I even named mybunny after him!

Laura


----------



## Bramble Briar86

*Laura wrote: *


> Yes, I love the really corny, stupid-funny stuff. That's whyI liked the movie Napoleon Dynamite so much. I even named mybunny after him!
> 
> Laura


i LOVE that movie! I can do Kip's voice dead-on....lmbo

Ellie


----------



## Bramble Briar86

Okay, if anyone has a problem with these jokes tell me right away and i'll remove them.

Here's two Micheal Jackson ones:

What do Micheal Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?

They both have little boys' pants half-off.

What two things does Micheal Jackson and a PS2(Play Station Two)have in common?

They're both made of plastic and little boys turn them on.

**************************************************

There are two muffins in an oven, one turns to the other andsays, "Whew, it's getting hot in here!" The other muffin's eyes getreal big and he screams, "AHHHHHH, A TALKING MUFFIN!"

*******************************************

One blonde, one brunette and one red-head all, at the sametime, meet up with a mysterious man wit a mirror. The man leaves theinstructions,

"Look into the mirror, if you say something about you thatisn't true, you will disapear, if you say something true aboutyourself, you will have all the riches you can imagine." the man walksaway, leaving the mirror.

The brunette walks up to the mirror, pauses, thinks and says, while dancing,

"I think that I'm a very good dancer" she pauses and adds,with a fancy dance move, "the best in the world..." POOF! she'sgone

the red-head goes up there and sings,

"I think that i'm a surperb singer!" she reaches a highnote and adds, "I'm the BEST in the world!!!..." POOF!

The blonde goes up there, rubs her hands together, thinks and says, 

"I think-" POOF!

**********************

A blonde, redhead and a brunette are all caught in between three cop cars, they're all about to be shot,

The brunette cleverly points andsays, "TORNADO!" and she runs over the car and gets away. 

The cops turn their guns to the redhead who says, "STAAAAAAAMPEDE!!!!!"

The cops turn to look and the redhead gets away.

They turn their guns to the blonde, the blonde thinks for a moment before shouting, "FIRE!"

********************************

a chinese man, a mexican and a cowboy are all working on the rail road, it's time to break for lunch.

Chinese man says, "If i get ONE MORE egg roll, i'm gonna throw myselfin front ofthe next train!"

Mexican says, "If i get ONE MORE chimmichanga, i'm gonna throw myself in front ofthe next train."

Cowboy says, "If i get one more ham and cheese sandwhich i'm going to throw myself infront of the next train!"

The next day, after lunch time, they each got what they said they didn't want and threw themselves in front of a coming train.

Three days later at the three mans' joined funeral, the three wives areall in a circle. The chinese woman says, "If only i hadn't packed himthat last egg roll, he'd still be alive!" 

The Mexican woman says, "If only i hadn't packed him that last chimmichanga! I'd still have my husband!" 

The two burst into the tears, the Cowboy's wife still says nothing. Thechinese woman and the mexican woman look at the cowboy's wife and stareat her questioningly.

she squeals, "Don't look at me!!! He packed his own lunch!"

Ellie


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

I just had to share this with everyont!!! It is so true!! 



At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computerindustry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up withtechnology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

~~~~~ ***** ~~~~~

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press releasestating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would allbe driving cars with the following characteristics: 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. Youwould have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows,shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you couldcontinue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would causeyour car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you wouldhave to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, wasreliable! five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would runon only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would allbe replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation"warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you outand refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the doorhandle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learnhow to drive all over again because none of the controls would operatein the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

I was tiredof being bossed around by my wife; so I went to a psychiatrist.


The psychiatrist said I needed to build my self-esteem, and so he gave me a book on assertiveness, which I read on the way home.
I finished the book by the time I reached my house.


I stormed into the house and walked up to my wife. Pointing afinger in her face, and said, "From now on, I want you to know that Iam the man
of this house, and my word is law! "I want you to prepare mea gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expecta sumptuous dessert afterwards. "Then, after dinner, you'regoing to draw me my bath so I can relax. "And, when I'mfinished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

She answered, "The fucking funeral director."


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

&gt;Hello, my name is Lewis and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50
&gt;billion freakin chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe 
&gt;that if
&gt;you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her
&gt;forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her 
&gt;redneck
&gt;parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
&gt;
&gt;Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone 
&gt;to
&gt;whom you send "his" email, $1000?
&gt;
&gt;How stupid are we?
&gt;
&gt;"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get 
&gt;laid
&gt;by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"
&gt;
&gt;What a bunch of bullcrap.
&gt;
&gt;Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and 
&gt;sodomize
&gt;me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter 
&gt;in
&gt;5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
&gt;
&gt;Screw them.
&gt;
&gt;If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
&gt;amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends,and 
&gt;this poor,
&gt;wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some
&gt;omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
&gt;
&gt;I don't give a rat's ass.
&gt;
&gt;Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually 
&gt;contributing
&gt;to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
&gt;
&gt;The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave 
&gt;you
&gt;shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny,
&gt;send it on.
&gt;
&gt;Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
&gt;with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years 
&gt;and
&gt;whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward
&gt;this email.
&gt;
&gt;Now forward this to everyone you know.
&gt;
&gt;Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will
&gt;consume your genitals.
&gt;
&gt;Have a nice day.
&gt;
&gt;P.S. Send me 15 bucks.asap


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

&gt;&gt;&gt;Once there was a little boywho lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the littleboy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter andstank all the time. 


[size=][/size]


&gt;&gt;&gt;The outhouse was sitting onthe bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would pushthat outhouse
into the creek.

&gt; &gt;&gt; One day after a spring rain, thecreek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to pushthe outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and startedpushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

&gt; &gt;&gt;That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why?


The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse intothe creek today. It was you, wasn't it,son?" 


The boy answered "yes."

&gt; &gt;&gt; Then he thought a moment and said,"Dad, I read in school today thatGeorge Washington choppeddown a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told thetruth."The dadreplied, "Well, son, George Washington's fatherwasn't in that cherrytree.


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

True Assessment
===============

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found-
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never-
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended-
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no-
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be-
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be-
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. sent away as soon as possible.-

Sincerely,
Project Leader-


-------------------------------------------------------------

The following Memo was soon sent following "The Letter"

That stupid dolt was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read every second line
(i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13) for my true assessment of him.


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as
possible. The short story had to contain the following three things: 
(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.

Below is the A+ short story:

Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

A couple had only been married for two weeks. Thehusband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on thetown and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife,"Honey, I'll be right back." 





Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. 





"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." 





The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" Sheopened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kindsof beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan,India, etc. 






The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he couldthink of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar... you know...they have frozen glasses... " 






He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted himby saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took ahuge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chillsjust holding it. 






The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at thebar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won'tbe long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?" 






"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the ovenand took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigsin blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips. 






"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." 





"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? 





"LISTEN UP DI**EAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THEHELL UP, DRINK YOUR D**N BEER IN YOUR D**N FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOURF***ING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED A**ISN'T GOING TO A F***ING BAR!THAT S**T IS OVER...GOT IT, A**HOLE?" 





And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

Helpful Hint #1
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of
boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly
removed.

Helpful Hint #2
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away

Helpful Hint #3
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Helpful Hint #4
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5
An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful
inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

Helpful Hint #7
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep.


----------



## DuncanTheDutch

*Rules For Dating My Daughter*

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, solong as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keepyour eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age towear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off theirhips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of yourfriends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open mindedabout this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to thedoor with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, andI will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes donot, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely inplace to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizinga "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when itcomes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know eachother, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of theday. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you isan indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at myhouse, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities todate other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with mydaughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, youwill continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. Ifyou make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want tobe on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter isputting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting theGolden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you dosomething useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughterlaces where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a woodenstool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns withineyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there isdancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambienttemperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tanktops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, anda goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strongromantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter,I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask youwhere you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me thetruth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, ashovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake thesound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a ricepaddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices inmy head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bringmy daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exityour car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safelyand early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to comeinside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


----------



## Carolyn

*A young boy asks his dad, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.

1) I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

2) Your mom is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government.

3) We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

4) The nanny we'll call the Working Class.

5) Let's call your baby brother the Future. "Now, think about that and
see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy then goes to his parents' room and finds his mom sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
bed with the nanny. He then gi ves up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad I think I now
understand politics.

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is about.

The little boy replies "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the
future's in Deep ****."*


----------



## Carolyn

*Comments made in the year 1957:[/i]*






*"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

[line]
*

*"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won'tbe long before $2000 will only buy a used one."*

[line]



*"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."*

[line]



*"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"*

[line]



*"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."*

[line]



*"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas wouldsomeday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving thecar in the garage."*

[line]



*"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make itimpossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will bewearing their hair as long as the girls."*

[line]



*"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Eversince they let Clark Gable get by with saying '****' in 'Gone With TheWind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "****" init.*

[line]



*"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible toput a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have somefellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

[line]

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if somedaythey'll be making more than the president."*

[line]



*"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would beelectric. They are even making electric typewritersnow."*

[line]



*"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a fewmarried women are having to work to make ends meet."*

[line]



*"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hiresomeone to watch their kids so they can both work."*

[line]



*"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seemto be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."*

[line]



*"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."*

[line]


*"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Governmenttakes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electingthe best people to congress."*

[line]



*"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."*

[line]



*"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."*

[line]



*"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."*

[line]



*"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut,forget it."*


----------



## Carolyn




----------



## northerndancer

I'm loving this thread

heres some Funny signs:

In the electricians: "if you pay your bill, we will be de-lighted. If you don't you will be"

In the plastic surgeons: "we'll help you pick your nose"

In the funeral directors parking lot: "Please drive carefully, we're happy to wait"

In the plumbers: "we repair what your husband fixed"

The vets "back in 5 mins. Sit. Stay!"

In the optimetrists "If you cant see what youre looking for youre in the right place"

In the muffler shop: "No appointment necessery, we heard you coming"

On the maternity hospital door "Push. Push. PUSH"

In an non smoking lounge "If you are smoking we will assume your on fire and take the appropriate action"

In the bowling alley "Quiet Please!- we need to hear a pin drop"


----------



## Carolyn

Winners of the "I look like my dog" Contest.


----------



## Carolyn

Winners of the "I look like my dog" Contest.


----------



## Carolyn

Winners of the "I look like my dog" Contest.


----------



## Carolyn

Winners of the "I look like my dog" Contest.


----------



## Carolyn

Winners of the "I look like my dog" Contest.


----------



## Carolyn

Winners of the "I look like my dog" Contest.


----------



## Bramble Briar86

Those are REALLY funny, Carolyn, they look just like their owners!

Ellie


----------



## ayglnu13

HAHA OMG THOSE ARESOOOFUNNY!!!



~Amy


----------



## bunnylover78642

These are so funny!! I love the ones Carolynhave been posting and the one with the signs though it took me a whileto get at first!!


----------



## BunnyMom

A blonde woman is driving down the highway andgets pulled over. The cop (also a blonde) comes over to her window andasks to see her driver's license.

"What does it look like?" the blonde driver asks.

"It's square and has your picture on it" the cop says.

The blonde pulls a small mirror out of her purse and hands it to the officer who looks at it and quickly hands it back to her.

"I'm sorry" the cop says "You can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

Okay, this one is NOT a joke - this actually happened! I have a blondefriend at work who is really sweet. The other week she went out to abar in the city with some friends. The Yankees game was on TV - theywere playing the Anaheim Angels. She looked up at the TV while theywere showing one of the Anaheim pitchers warming up. She said "That'sHORRIBLE! What kind of a mother would name her baby ANAHEIM BULLPEN!?"(She thought "Anaheim Bullpen" at the bottom of the screen was thepitcher's name!)


----------



## Mongo

Dont think this has been posted:


----------



## Mongo

NIC CAGES:























ps. Thanks for the cage examples above.


----------



## Snuggys Mom

Redneck Pet Carrier:


----------



## Snuggys Mom

*A woman brought a very limp duck in to aveterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled outhis stethoscope and listened to the birds chest. After a moment ortwo, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "Im so sorry, your duckhas passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, Iam sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," sheprotested. "I mean, you havent done any testing on him or anything. Hemight just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turnedaround and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a blackLabrador retriever. As the ducks owner looked on in amazement, the dogstood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table,and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet withsad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out,and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on thetable and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. Thecat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, andstrolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "Imsorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably,a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a fewkeys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The ducksowner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just totell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "Im sorry. If youd takenmy word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab reportand the cat scan, its now $150.00."*



*Hee hee*


----------



## Jenniblu

What your internet date really looks like--


----------



## dajeti2

Jenni,Ewww.

Yuckythought.

Tina


----------



## lovrabs

I got one. 

Only a redneck would focus on an orange juice carton that says "Concentrate".

Ally


----------



## lovrabs

Just one more!


----------



## stanleysmommy

Jenniblu wrote:


> What your internet date really looks like--



Now that.....is messed up.


----------



## Snuggys Mom

What would these babies look like?! :shock:

http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=Blaupunkt_Pimp_my_Rid.mpg-2


----------



## ayglnu13

> Jenniblu wrote:
> 
> 
> 
> What your internet date really looks like--
Click to expand...


----------



## Carolyn

Another quote on this picture is, 

"WHY NOT TO FLIRT IN CHATROOMS"


----------



## Carolyn

Redneck Gas Grill:


----------



## Jenniblu

Ewww... at the "Gas grill" LMBO!


----------



## Jenniblu

THREE-LEGGED CHICKEN 

Jim Hull's Version 



Copyright © 1997 by Jim Hull 
(Please cite the author if you quote from this work) 



A guy is driving his new convertible slowly down a country lane,enjoying the scenery. He hears clucking, and looks down at the road tosee a chicken trotting along beside him, staring up at him.Instinctively he speeds up, but the chicken keeps pace. The guysuddenly realizes that this chicken has THREE legs! Unnerved, he floorsit, but the chicken - still clucking and staring - keeps up. 

The guy's so busy watching the chicken that he almost misses the curveahead. He brakes, skids on the shoulder gravel, and spins to a halt.The chicken passes him and runs up a hill. The guy jumps out of his carand chases the chicken as far as a fence, then stops, leaning on thefence, panting from exertion, and watches the chicken run up and overthe hill. 

Then the guy realizes he's not alone. A little way down the fence,leaning back against it from the other side, wearing overalls and astraw hat and chewing on a piece of grass, is a middle-aged farmer. 

"'Scuse me," says the guy, "did you see that chicken? I'd swear it had three legs!" 

"Yep, Ah know," says the farmer. "It's one of mine." 

"One of yours!?" exclaims the guy. "How on earth did you--" 

"Well," the farmer chuckles, "It was jes' one a those things. Ya see,me an' the missus an' Junior, we'd set down to chicken dinner and getto arguin' about who gets the drumsticks. So I decided to breed me athree-legged chicken. An' danged if I didn't." 

The guy shakes his head in amazement. "Incredible. So... how do they taste?" 

"Dunno," says the farmer. "Cain't catch 'em."


----------



## 

*WhyWe LoveRednecks*_[size=4FAMILY="SANSSERIF" PT].[/size]_


----------



## Dwarf_Angel04

Redneck Mammography


----------



## Carolyn




----------



## Carolyn




----------



## Carolyn




----------



## Carolyn




----------



## Carolyn




----------



## Carolyn

:?


----------



## Jenniblu

LMBO! Carolyn that was so funny and true!


----------



## Carolyn

Can ya tell we have the same sense of humor,Jenniblu??



-Carolyn


----------



## 

And this is why we love Red Necks !


----------



## Jenniblu

Yep. I used to have a sign atworklike the last one except it had a skeleton sitting on abench that said, "Waiting for the perfect man..." The femaleclients loved the sign, but the male clients were notamused.


----------



## 

ok now i am getting mad thats 2 times i havetried to post that and it didnt comethru , preview shows it but when ipost it doesnt show up any ideas why ?


----------



## Carolyn

Try decreasing the size, Gypsy. It may be too big. I know how frustrating it can be. 

-Carolyn


----------



## 

*The Old Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful 
aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers 
that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her 
direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones 
on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with 
her back to the approaching cat. 

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 
"Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror 
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, 
"That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby 
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection 
from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the 
leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey 
soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself 
with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, 
hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits 
down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, 
and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, "Where's 
that **** monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old fokes...age and treachery will always overcome youth and 
skill! Brains and brilliance only come with age and experience!

If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people 
laughing in the world.* 

May you be blessed everyday by a friend who loves you.............


----------



## 

Profundities of zen philosophy
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT...... IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE 
&gt;&gt;&gt;CHEESE.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED
&gt;&gt;&gt;SOMETHING.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT 
&gt;&gt;&gt;HAPPENED?
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;37. JUST REMEMBER ....... IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL 
&gt;&gt;&gt;OFF.
&gt;&gt;&gt;
&gt;&gt;&gt;38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR 
&gt;&gt;&gt;BRIGHT
&gt;&gt;&gt;......... UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.


----------



## Carolyn

Beautiful Blonde Pole Dancer 
Hope you don't mind a bit of risqué, 
which I *rarely *sendalong! If you should find it too offensive, 
please advise, and I will remove your name 
promptly from these type of emails!


*(OpenDiscreetly)*



*Please scroll on Down.......*


----------



## 

THAT! is just too darn cute !!!!!!!!!!


----------



## BunnyMom

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze todeath at the drive-in movie theater? They went to see "Closedfor the winter".


----------



## Emmy-webby

:laugh:


----------



## Pepper

*Carolyn wrote:*her quote on this picture is, 

"WHY NOT TO FLIRT IN CHATROOMS"

This guy is yucky looking,he would give me nightmares.


----------



## Pepper

*Carolyn wrote: *


> Proof that God Exists....


They are very good looking men.I read somewhere George Clooney wasvoted the sexist single male.I don't remember what year it was,but Ithink it was 2 0r 3 years ago when I was reading it at the check outlane at the grocery store.I don't know if you ever watched that showFacts of Life back in the 80's,George Clooney played on that show onthe last season of that show.He was the guy who was the handy man.Hewas good looking then and still good looking now.

My post didn't show the picture of George Clooney or Brad Pitt when I quoted from your post.


----------



## Bramble Briar86

*Carolyn wrote: *


>


Throws arms around picture....Hisses and screams MINE!!!
Hehehe

Ellie


----------



## Snuggys Mom

Fishing with Moses:


----------



## Snuggys Mom

Oops! Sorry!


----------



## stanleysmommy

LOL Laura!!


----------



## Jenniblu

*Ain't it the Truth (Joke)* 


A man owned a small farm in Western Kentucky. The Wage and Hour
Department of Kentucky claimed he was not paying proper wages to his
help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded
the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him
$600 a month plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus
free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10
a week and I buy him beer," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me."


----------



## Bunnys_rule63

Thought i'd post this picture i got in a forward


----------



## stanleysmommy

Can't see it.


----------



## rabbitluvr04

Me neither


----------



## FreddysMom

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit theball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found afrog in a trap. 
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed tomention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wishfor, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make yourhusband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women willflock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." 

So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." 

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, she's the richest woman in the world! 

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


----------



## juicyjuicee

ha so cruel..


----------



## april

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gonethrough the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for deadgoldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! 
I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: 
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in hisroom. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. 

"I'm being serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my bestlizard-healer__expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed
I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. 
"She's having babies." "What?" ! my son demanded. 
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged."Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them toreproduce," 
I accused my wife. 

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" 
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) 
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in mymost loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teethtogether). 

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. 

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. Ishrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be awondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracleof birth.""Oh, gross!" they shrieked. 
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with! a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. 

(I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like atiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "Wedon't appear to be making much progress," I noted. 
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. 

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged. 
"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. 
It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." 
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. 
So we drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. 
"I don't think lizar! ds do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. 

(Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to meis one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) 
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. 
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. 

"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. 
"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernieis a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, likemost male species, they um.....um.... masturbate. Just the way he did,lying on his back." 
He blushed, glancing at my wife. 
"Well, you ! know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron..." 
We were silent, absorbing this. 
"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. 
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. 

More silence. 

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle.And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that thewoman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawlessmanliness. Tears were now running down her face. 
"It's just...that..I'm picturing you pulling on it's...it's...teenylittle...." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 

"That's enough," I warned. 

We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. 
He was glad everything was going to be okay. 
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. 

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 

2 Lizards - $140... 1 Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's p*cker..... Priceless


----------



## cirrustwi

A guy sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The man sitting next to him starts telling him how wonderful the bar is:

Man 1: See that chair over there? It's actually from the Titanic.

Man 2 seems impressed.

Man 1: And the bar is actually from the wild west bar where Billy the Kid hung out.

Man 2: Wow!

Man 1: And that window over there, it's magic. You can jumpout of it and you will fall 2 stories and then spring back up into thewindow.

Man 2: There's no way that could work.

Man 1: Watch me. 

So Man 1 Jumps out the window and he falls down 1...2 stories and hesprings back up into the window. Man 2 decides to tryit. He jumps out and falls 1...2....3...4....5 stories andsplat! He hits the ground.

Bartender to Man 1: Superman, you sure are an @ss when you are drunk.

********************************************************************

This one's true:

Bill went to Boot Camp at Parris Island. Upon arrival, theDrill Sargent comes and begins telling them about being a Marine,including addressing themselves as "This Soldier". Billraises his hand. The Drill Sargent asks what hewants. Bill asks "May I go to the bathroom?" TheDrill Sargent replies "Soldier, I left when you arrived on thisisland." Bill's response, "Sir, that's impossible, you'restanding right in front of me."


----------



## irishmist

Gender
&gt; &gt; You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can 
&gt; &gt; see right through them. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm 
&gt; &gt; them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right 
&gt; &gt; buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you 
&gt; &gt; have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 5) Sponges are Female, because the! y're soft, squeezable and retain 
&gt; &gt; water. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people 
&gt; &gt; up. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the 
&gt; &gt; bottom. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 
&gt; &gt; years, but it's handy to have around. 
&gt; &gt; 
&gt; &gt; 10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't 
&gt; &gt; you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost 
&gt; &gt; without 
&gt; &gt; it, And while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps 
&gt; &gt; trying!​


----------



## Zee

*Just got this from my Sister. I like No 10

*


Code:


YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT MANY NON-LIVING THINGS HAVE A GENDER.

FOR EXAMPLE .......

1. FREEZER BAGS:

THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE THEY HOLD EVERYTHING IN, BUT YOU CAN SEE
RIGHT THROUGH THEM.

2. COPIERS:

THEY ARE FEMALE, BECAUSE ONCE TURNED OFF, IT TAKES AWHILE TO WARM
THEM UP AGAIN. IT'S AN EFFECTIVE REPRODUCTIVE DEVICE IF THE RIGHT
BUTTONS ARE PUSHED, BUT CAN WREAK HAVOC IF THE WRONG BUTTONS ARE
PUSHED.

3. TYRES:

THEY ARE MALE, BECAUSE IT GOES BALD AND ITS OFTEN OVER-INFLATED.

4. HOT AIR BALLOON:

MALE, BECAUSE TO GET IT TO GO ANYWHERE, YOU HAVE TO LIGHT A FIRE
UNDER IT, AND OF COURSE, THERE'S THE HOT AIR PART.

5. SPONGES:

FEMALE BECAUSE THEY'RE SOFT, SQUEEZABLE AND RETAIN WATER.

6. WEB PAGE:

FEMALE, BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS GETTING HIT ON.

7. SUBWAY:

MALE, BECAUSE IT USES THE SAME OLD LINES TO PICK PEOPLE UP.

8. HOURGLASS:

FEMALE, BECAUSE OVER TIME, THE WEIGHT SHIFTS TO THE BOTTOM.

9. HAMMER:

MALE, BECAUSE IT HASN'T CHANGED MUCH OVER THE LAST 500 YEARS BUT
IT'S HANDY TO HAVE AROUND.

10. REMOTE CONTROL:

FEMALE - HA! YOU THOUGHT IT'D BE MALE. BUT CONSIDER THIS - IT
GIVES A MAN PLEASURE, HE'D BE LOST WITHOUT IT, AND WHILE HE
DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT BUTTONS TO PUSH, HE KEEPS TRYING.

Irish Mist got there before me, SORRY !!!! One or two are slightly different


----------



## Linz_1987

*Boots Machine Joke*





One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I think

I'll go and see my Doctor!" His friend immediately replied, "Don't do that.

There's a new computer at Boots that can diagnose anything quicker and

cheaper than your doctor. All you do is put in a sample of your wee and

the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do."

Pete, figuring that he had nothing to lose, filled a jar with his wee,

went to Boots where he found the computer and deposited his sample and

the computer started making a few noises and some lights started to flash.

After a brief pause, out popped a small piece of paper which read:

YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW, SOAK YOUR ARM IN WATER THREE TIMES A DAY FOR AN

HOUR. AVOID HEAVY WORK. YOUR ELBOW WILL GET BETTER IN TWO WEEKS.

That evening while thinking about how amazing this new technology was

and how it could change the world of medicine forever, he began to wonder if

the computer could be fooled. He decided to try. He mixed together some tap

water, engine oil from his car, a stool sample from his dog, urine

samples from his wife and daughter, and, at the last minute, masturbated into

the concoction. He went back to Boots, deposited the sample and paid his

money.

After the noises and lights, out popped a piece of paper which read:

YOUR TAP WATER IS HARD, GET A SOFTENER. THE VALVES ON YOUR ENGINE ARE

SHOT, GET IT TO A GARAGE. YOUR DOG HAS WORMS, GET HIM TO A VET. YOUR

DAUGHTER IS HOOKED ON COCAINE, GET HER TO REHAB. YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT

WITH TWINS, THEY ARE NOT YOURS, GET A LAWYER AND IF YOU DON'T STOP W**KING,

YOUR ELBOW WILL NEVER GET BETTER.


----------



## Linz_1987

I love this picture. It is so great!


----------



## I LuV MaH BuNs

'Nuff said...


----------



## I LuV MaH BuNs

Poor laptop!!


----------



## I LuV MaH BuNs

SQUSIH


----------



## Carolyn

:shock2:

Looks JUST LIKE Apollo!

-Carolyn


----------



## Snuggys Mom

Wow! I hope that's a girl, considering the size of that dewlap!

Laura


----------



## BunnyMom

WOW! Is that a BIG bunny!:scared:


----------



## Zee

*Hangover Ratings*
*
*
1 star hangover :star:[/b] 
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You slept inyour own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in therewith you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.


2 star hangover :star::star:[/b] [/b]
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You maylook okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of astapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is onlyexacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Englishbreakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you arecosting your employer valuable money because all you really can handleis some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writingjunk e-mail's.


3 star hangover :star::star::star:[/b] 
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because theperfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did withyour alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with adozen doughnuts and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 SausageRolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.


4 star hangover :star::star::star::star:
[/b]

[/b]
You have lost the will to live. Your head isthrobbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can'thide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed anoh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up onwhile riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Youreyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like areject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - hometime, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so youcould go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.


5 star hangover :star::star::star::star::star:
[/b]


You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your bossdoesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dogjust died because you look so pathetic. You should havecalled in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do isbreathe... very gently.

6 star hangover :star::star::star::star::star::star:
[/b]

[/b]
You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly; as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you know, you're going tochuck. That Kebab you ate earlier has done you nofavours.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating wallsknocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before youspontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with yourimpersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the onlyfriend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing tomake the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usuallycomes at this stage, even if it is short lived.

Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leavingyou there in the dark.

With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous eruptionshave died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won'trelent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourselfinside out and swear that you saw your tonsils shoot out of your mouthon the last occasion.

It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting upfor the day as you try to climb into bed. She/he abuses youagain for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in yourhair.

You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital.

Work is simply not an option.

The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like moving.

You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for thenext two or three hours at least you might even succeed.

OK, now hands up all those who have never had a six star hangover!!

Thought so!!

[/b][/b]


----------



## Snuggys Mom

Zee,

I'm sitting at my desk, trying to stifle my laughter, with tearsstreaming down my face. I think I pee'd my pants.This is hilarious. I'm having flashbacks of my former, singlelife. 

Laura


----------



## Zee

*:rofl: *I couldn't help by laugh when myaunt send it to me. I'm trying to remember which number I wasthe last time I was out (not that long ago)
*
Laura wrote: *


> Zee,
> 
> I'm sitting at my desk, trying to stifle my laughter, with tearsstreaming down my face. I think I pee'd my pants.This is hilarious. I'm having flashbacks of my former, singlelife.
> 
> Laura


----------



## onnie

:rofl:LMBO Zee nice one'i remember those day's lol


----------



## Zee

I couldn't find anywhere else to put this, so the jokes with do.

[size=[font="Courier New"]FOR THOSE BORN BEFORE 1986[/font]][/size]
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats,those of us who werekids in the 60's, 70's and early 80'sprobably shouldn't have survived, because ourbaby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-basedpaint which was promptly chewed and licked? Wehad no childproof lids on medicine bottles, orlatches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When werode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride incars with no seat belts orairbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water fromthe garden hose and not from a bottle and ittasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding anddrank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we werenever overweight because we were always outsideplaying. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottleor can and no-one actually died from this. Wewould spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and thenwent top speed down the hill, only to find out weforgot the brakes. After running into stingingnettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leavehome in the morning and could play all day, as longas we were back before it got dark. Noone was able to reach us and no one minded. We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, nomobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, noInternet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ballreally hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, andbroke bones but there were no law suits. We had full on fist fights butno prosecution followed from other parents. Weplayed chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid ofthe owners catching us. Wewalked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school;we didn't rely on mummy ordaddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We madeup games with sticks and tennis balls. We rodebikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of aparent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheardof...They actuallysided with the law. This generation has produced some of the bestrisk-takers and problemsolves and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been anexplosion of innovation and new ideas. We hadfreedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how todeal with it all. And you're one of them.Congratulations! Pass this on to others who havehad the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyersand government regulated our lives, for our own good. For those of youwho aren't old enough, thought you might like toread about us. This my friends, is surprisinglyfrightening......and it might put a smile on yourface: The majority of students in universities today were born in1986........They are called youth.
They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children,and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife notBilly Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley,Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has alwaysbeen only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they wereborn. CD's have existed since they were born.Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has alwaysbeen round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be agod of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossibleare films from last year.They can never imagine life before computers. They'll neverhave pretended to be the A Team, RedHand Gang or theFamous Five. They'll never haveapplied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You. They can't believe ablack and white television ever existed. And theywill never understand how we could leave the house without a mobilephone. Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playingcomfortably with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.

7. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about thegood Old days, repeatingagain all the funny things you have experiencedtogether.

8. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it tosome other friends because you think they willlike it too... Yes, you're getting old!!


----------



## onnie

LOL'Zee i've just revisited my teenage years:laugh::brat:


----------



## Zee

Being a Brighton Girl, I remember those years very well !!!!

As long as I keep getting good ones like that from my aunt, I will post the good ones here.


----------



## irishmist

[size=2 pt][size="10"family="SANSSERIF"]




[/size][/size]


----------



## Nicky Snow

Zee 

the hang over thingy was too funny, i grew up in Nottingham, England,and i couldn't stop laughing. only thing i would change is the kebabwould be cheesy chips and mayonaisse. Yum! And i was born in '79 so icould relate, except i did have an Atari.

LOL

Nicole


----------



## Zee

Nicole, I live in the South until 4 yearsago. When my aunt first sent me that, I cracked up laughing,because it is so true. I was born in '73.
*
Nicky Snow wrote: *


> Zee
> 
> the hang over thingy was too funny, i grew up in Nottingham, England,and i couldn't stop laughing. only thing i would change is the kebabwould be cheesy chips and mayonaisse. Yum! And i was born in '79 so icould relate, except i did have an Atari.
> 
> LOL
> 
> Nicole


----------



## Nicky Snow

now you live in Germany, i'm jealous. I stayed in Karlsruhe (SW of Frankfurt)for a few months and loved it!

Nicole


----------



## juicyjuicee

Hi guys i got this joke from someone else but i thought it was really cute.



The Rabbit Miracle

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping acrossthe middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, butunfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. Thedriver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled overto the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of therabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt soawful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the mancrying on the side of the road and pulled over.

She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went toher car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp,dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at thetwo humans and hopped down the road. 50 yards away the rabbit stopped,turned around, waved and hopped down the road, another 50 yards,turned, waved and hopped another 50 yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could bein the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and asked, "What isin your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."


----------



## stanleysmommy

I've seen that joke before and I love it!  It's so funny.


----------



## irishmist

*Awoman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at theappropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now needto enter a password. Something he could remember easily andwill use each time he has to log on. *

*The husband was in arather amourous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect tobring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him forhis password, he made it completely obvious to his wife that he waskeying in..........*

*P...E.... N....I.... S....*

*His wife fell off thechair laughing when the computerresponded.....*

****PASSWORD REJECTED..... NOT LONG ENOUGH****

*
*


----------



## rabbitluvr04

Hahahahaha that one is too funny! :laugh:


----------



## lucylocket

what do you call a dinisour with piles 







mega sor arce


----------



## Bunnys_rule63

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The Rules of Chocolate 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;it too slowly. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices &amp; strawberries 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the carpark. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;the chocolate to protect themselves. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other? 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy? 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you? 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't 
&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;let that happen, can you?.


----------



## Carolyn




----------



## Carolyn




----------



## Carolyn




----------



## Carolyn




----------



## FreddysMom

*Carolyn wrote:*


>


LMBO!!


----------



## naturestee

[align=center]*Lawyer jokes!*
[/align] *
* [align=center]*In honor of my sister, a public defender in NYC

* [align=left]Oneday a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back,amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It wasbeautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "Howmuch?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," theshopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemedlike a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live withoutknowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered onthrough the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed withsurprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, thesewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him.Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened.Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled thebrass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands ofrats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began todrown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The oldChinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You come back for story?" he asked.The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know ifyou had a brass lawyer."

*You know, someoneonce told me that New York has more lawyers than people.* *WarrenBuffett (1930-) 
*
Defendant: You know, Ihate coming out here at seven in the morning and having to sitdownstairs with a bunch of criminals.  Judge: I have to do the same thing every day.
Defendant: Yeah, but you don't haveto sit down in a holding tank with 'em. 
Judge: Every day I come in and I meetthe dregs of society, and then I have to meet their clients. Think ofthat.

*A man was on vacation when he raninto an old acquaintance. "Hello, Joe," he said. "I haven't seen you inyears. What are you doing these days?"* 
*"I'm practicing law," whisperedJoe. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."*

Animals aren't as stupid as peoplethink: after all, they don't have any lawyers. 


[/align] [/align]


----------



## ariel

Girls night out joke a friend of mine sent to me


Last night, my girl friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club

When the male dancer came over to us, one of the girls wanted to 
impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill, licked the $10 
and stuck it to his left butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called 
the guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his right butt cheek.

In an attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a 
$50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50 bill.

I was worried about the way things were going, but fortunately, she 
just stuck the fifty to his left butt cheek again.

My relief was short-lived. The guy came over to me!!! Now everyone's 
attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try to 
top the $50. My brain was churning as Ireached for my wallet.

What could I do????

Fortunately, the woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped 
it down his crack, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.


----------



## ariel

Deathbed Confession

Jake was dying. 
His wife, Becky was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. 
[align=left]She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
[/align]  Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale 
lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush 
my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," 
he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep." "No, No. I must die in peace. 
Becky, I
slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your 
mother!"
" I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."


----------



## Carolyn

How men screw up romance:


----------



## Carolyn

Why I feel safe in America:


----------



## ariel

*Carolyn wrote: *


> How men screw up romance:



 LOL Now that'd be something that Brett would do LOL, thereused to be an ad on tv similar to that and it cracked us up everytimewe'd see it.


----------



## ariel

*Carolyn wrote: *


> Why I feel safe in America:



 Woohoo you guys have some HOT lookin' men over there!!!! :inlove:


----------



## Carolyn

*ariel wrote: *


> *Carolyn wrote: *
> 
> 
> 
> Why I feel safe in America:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Woohoo you guys have some HOT lookin' men over there!!!! :inlove:
Click to expand...




Back atcha!

-Carolyn


----------



## ariel

Yeah we have some good lookers too, you just have to look hard to find them LOL 

Mind you I just have to look across my loungeroom and I see one!


----------



## Lissa

This thread is great. HAHAHAH


----------



## Carolyn




----------



## 

lol


----------



## ruka

I don't know if this one was already posted, but I thought it was funny.

[align=center]



[/align]


----------



## Nicky Snow

:laugh:

a bank teller saw the picture of Rue that i keep in my wallet, and sheasked me if bunnies really make the sound like in the commercial(Cadbury). i couldn't resist telling her that they do.

lol

Nicole


----------



## Snuggys Mom

*ruka wrote: *


> I don't know if this one was already posted, but I thought it was funny.
> 
> 
> [align=center]
> 
> 
> 
> [/align]


Hee hee. Isn't that a rooster???


----------



## Bunnys_rule63

*Laura wrote:*


> *ruka wrote: *
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know ifthis one was already posted, but I thought it was funny.
> 
> 
> 
> [align=center]
> 
> 
> 
> [/align]
> 
> 
> 
> Hee hee. Isn't that a rooster???
Click to expand...

 :shocklease let it be a hen! lol


----------



## Snuggys Mom




----------



## sfritzp

I did not know this thread existed! Wot a HOOT!!I have been reading and laughing for an hour! This is not good - as Iam getting NOTHING done!
But - I have to add my favorite joke:

Two guys are walking their dogs down the street. One has a German Shepherd, the other has a Chihuahua.

It's a hot day, and they pass a bar. The guy with the Shepherd says "lets go in and get a beer"
The guy with the Chihuahua says "we can't go in there with the dogs!"
The other guy says "sure we can - just watch, then do what I do"

He puts on a pair of sunglasses and goes into the bar with the GermanShepherd. He sits down at the bar and says "I'll have a beer"
The bartender says "What are you nuts? You can't come in here with that dog!"
The guys says "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog"

The bartender is all apologetic, serves him a beer, and tells him it's on the house.

When the bartender turned his back, the guy gestures to the other guyoutside through the front window with a thumbs up, and a wave to comein.

The other guy puts on his sunglasses, goes in with the Chihuahua on the leash, and sits at the bar next to his friend.
"I'll have a beer" he announces.

The bartender is staring at him with a disgusted look on his face, and says "you can't come in here with that dog."
The guys says "But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog"

The bartender says "You mean to tell me you have a Chihuahua for a seeing eye dog?"

The guy yells 'WHAT?!? They gave me a CHIHUAHUA ?!?!?"


----------



## Carolyn

An elderly couple made a deal thatwhoever died first would somehowcome back to inform the otherof the afterlife... their biggest fear being that there really was noheaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true tohis word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard aghostly voice saying, "Maude ... Maude ... " 

"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room,and the voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like weagreed." 

"What's it like, John?" Maude asked, and John said, "Well, I get up inthe morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that moresex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I havelunch, and then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner, Ihave sex until late at night ... and the next day it starts all overagain." 

"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!" 

"Not exactly," John said ..."I'm a rabbit somewhere in Northern Lower Michigan!"


----------



## Lissa

:rofl: I LOVE IT!!


----------



## Elf Mommy

I couldn't resist....

My kids sing this all over the house


----------



## juicyjuicee

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. 

"Sit, Fluffy," she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightlyembarrassed. Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room andpees.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, "FLUFFY!! WILL YOU BE GOOD?!" 

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. 

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of theflabbergasted customers and says: "Pardon me, I've just washed my hare,and I can't do a thing with it!" 



A tad corny


----------



## loplover

Muppets! I so love them Were did you find that?


----------



## Elf Mommy

*loplover wrote:*


> Muppets! I so love them Were did you findthat?


A friend emailed me a link to it and then I saved thevideo and am hosting it myself.  I love them too!!!!!!!!


----------



## naturestee

I can't see the video right now (darn work computers) but Muppets rock!:great:


----------



## Nicky Snow

Things That Hallmark Cards Don't Say:

Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be, but don't fret about it,

She moved in with me.



Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad nobody likes your husband.



I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you...

I've changed my mind.



Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.



Happy Bithday Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky &amp; West Virginia)



Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!



When we were together, you said you would die for me.

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.



We have been friends for a very long time,

Let's say we stop?



Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?



So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.

Look on the bright side, it's really good pay.


----------



## Nicky Snow

[size=[img]http://orangemonkey.mail.everyone.net/email/scripts/attach.pl/uid=5649729026&amp;pn=2.1.2&amp;noInline=0&amp;folder=INBOX/image0011.jpg[/img]][/size]

[size=[img]http://orangemonkey.mail.everyone.net/email/scripts/attach.pl/uid=5649729026&amp;pn=2.1.3&amp;noInline=0&amp;folder=INBOX/image0022.jpg[/img]][/size]

[size=[img]http://orangemonkey.mail.everyone.net/email/scripts/attach.pl/uid=5649729026&amp;pn=2.1.4&amp;noInline=0&amp;folder=INBOX/image0033.jpg[/img]][/size]

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[size=[img]http://orangemonkey.mail.everyone.net/email/scripts/attach.pl/uid=5649729026&amp;pn=2.1.7&amp;noInline=0&amp;folder=INBOX/image0066.jpg[/img]][/size]

[size=[img]http://orangemonkey.mail.everyone.net/email/scripts/attach.pl/uid=5649729026&amp;pn=2.1.8&amp;noInline=0&amp;folder=INBOX/image0077.jpg[/img]][/size]


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## naturestee

*naturestee wrote:*


> I can't see the video right now (darn work computers) butMuppets rock!:great:


Okay, now I see it! I sing that at work all the time!


----------



## Lissa

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the 

floor and make clockwise circles with it.



2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your

right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.


----------



## Lissa

With all the news on TV lately about the extreme weather conditions

affecting the South Coast of the US, the mud slides in the Middle East,

Puerto Rico, and South America, along with the dire predictions made by

such films as 'The Day After Tomorrow', we shouldn't forget that the

Midwest has its share of devastating weather too. I've attached a photo

illustrating the damage caused to a friend's home from the storm that

passed through NW Wisconsin last night.


----------



## naturestee

Yes, and it's been just awful here along "Ocean Michigan!"


----------



## Elf Mommy

Bunny Funnies

http://www.angryalien.com/


----------



## Carolyn

This is really cool! Just follow the directions.





http://www.coorslight.com/iceswipe/


----------



## Snuggys Mom

http://www.candyboots.com/wwcards.html

This has to be the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.Click on the first recipe card and then you can scroll through the restof them.

Whoever wrote the descriptions is hilarious!

Laura


----------



## Elf Mommy




----------



## ariel

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: Elf Mommy

And yes the Muppets Rock!!! The muppet show theme song is actually my ring tone on my phone LOL

"It's The MUppet Show"........................................


----------



## slavetoabunny

:rofl:That was great Elf Mommy. I had to keep watching it over and over.


----------



## HoneyPot

poo. I can't see the video... says it can't find the target.


----------



## Elf Mommy

*slavetoabunny wrote:*


> :rofl:That was great Elf Mommy. I had to keepwatching it over and over.


The first time I watched it I almostfell out of my chair laughing! And yes, I had to watch it over andover. LOL


----------



## Jenniblu

*Carolyn wrote: *


> This is really cool! Just follow the directions.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.coorslight.com/iceswipe/




That was so wrong lmbo!:laugh:


----------



## Nicky Snow

*Jenniblu wrote: *


> *Carolyn wrote: *





> This is really cool! Just follow the directions.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> http://www.coorslight.com/iceswipe/





> That was so wrong lmbo!:laugh:





> Ditto! (i nearly peed a little)


----------



## Carolyn

Redneck Christmas Lawn Ornament


----------



## 

That Looks likesomething I wouldDo!!!!


----------



## Lissa

...


----------



## ariel

OH MY GAWSH!!! Lissa that thing is Hiddieous!!!!!
:scared::scared::scared::faint:


----------



## Carolyn

A rabbit walked into a butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No."

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "No!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any cabbage?"

The butcher said, "NO! And if you ask me that one more time I'll nail you to the wall by your ears!"

The next day the rabbit walked into the butcher's and said, "Got any nails?"

The butcher said, "No."

The rabbit said, "Got any cabbage?"


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## Snuggys Mom

:rofl:


----------



## Carolyn

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while bothmale and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer eachyear, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginningof winter, usually late November to mid-December. Femalereindeer retain their antlers till after they give birthin the spring. 

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depictingSanta's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolphto Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known. Onlywomen would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvetsuit all around the world in one night and not get lost.


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## ariel

:laugh:Loved the cabbage and reindeer LOL


----------



## Linz_1987

OMG this is so funny. At the fieldwhere we keep our horse we keep a bag of carrots for the horses. I wasgoing through the bag and i came across this carrot....

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v600/linz_oliver/rudecarrot.jpg

I just had to take it home to show the rest of my family, and to take a picture of it!


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## Linz_1987

..And here is a picture of the horse that ate the funny carrot....

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v600/linz_oliver/funnyface.jpg


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## Snuggys Mom

PET RULES To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
&gt;
&gt;Dear Dogs and Cats (and RABBITS), The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
&gt;your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
&gt;placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
&gt;claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
&gt;pleasing in the slightest.
&gt;
&gt;The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
&gt;me
&gt;to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
&gt;faster than you can run.
&gt;
&gt;I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
&gt;this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
&gt;comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
&gt;is
&gt;not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
&gt;fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
&gt;having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
&gt;sarcasm.
&gt;
&gt;For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
&gt;some
&gt;miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
&gt;necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
&gt;the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
&gt;I
&gt;entered. Also, I have e been using the bathroom for years --canine or
&gt;feline
&gt;attendance is not required.
&gt;
&gt;The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt (or eat your cecals). I
&gt;cannot stress this enough!
&gt;
&gt;To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
&gt;front door:
&gt;
&gt;To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit &amp; Like to Complain About Our Pets:
&gt;
&gt;1. They live here. You don't.
&gt;2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
&gt;That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
&gt;3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
&gt;4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
&gt;short, hairy, walks (hops) on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
&gt;
&gt;Remember: Dogs and cats (AND RABBITS!) are better than kids because they:
&gt;
&gt;1. Eat less
&gt;2. Don't ask for money all the time
&gt;3 Are easier to train
&gt;4. Normally come when called
&gt;5. Never ask to drive the car
&gt;6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
&gt;7. Don't smoke or drink
&gt;8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
&gt;9. Don't want to wear your clothes
&gt;10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
&gt;11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children​


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## Pipp

:laugh::roflmao::laugh::roflmao::laugh::roflmao::laugh:

Laura, that's HILARIOUS!!! That's one of the best ones I've ever read! 

Thanks for the laugh! (And thanks SO MUCH for reviving thisthread, I never saw that rudecarrot pic from Linz above yourpost before, either!)







sas


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## Linz_1987

*Parental Excuses....* 





*1.*
*My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. *

*2.*
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. *

*3.*
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. *

*4.*
*Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. *

*5.*
*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. *

*6.*
*Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. *

*7.*
*Chris will not be in skhool cus he has an acre in his side. *

*8.*
*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. *

*9.*
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. *

*10.*
*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. *

*11.*
*Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. *

*12.*
*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. *

*13.*
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot toget the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, wethought it was Sunday. *

*14.*
*Sally won't be in school on Friday. We have to attend her funeral. *

*15.*
*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. *

*16.*
*Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. *


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## Linz_1987

This isnt a joke, but did you know the nameWendy was a made up name for the book Peter Pan?! There was never arecorded name as Wendy! :shock:


----------



## Linz_1987

*"Dear God" From The Dog...........* 





*Dear God, Let me give you a list of some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:* 

*1.*
*I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. *

*2.*
*I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. *

*3.*
*I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. *

*4.*
*The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. *

*5.*
*The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps. *

*6.*
*The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. *

*7.*
*My head does not belong in the refrigerator. *

*8.*
*I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. *

*9.*
*I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. *

*10.*
*Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.' *

*11.*
*I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. *

*12.*
*I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. *

*13.*
*I will not throw up in the car. *

*14.*
*I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. *

*15.*
*I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. *

*16.*
*The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing. *

*Dear God, May I have my testicles back? *


----------



## HoneyPot

I killed myself laughing at this... can you imagine paying for this tour? LOL

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MorR04iLtMw]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MorR04iLtMw[/ame]

_____________
Nadia


----------



## dreamgal042

Okay, so this isn't a joke, it's just a funnystory (not sure if its true or not but I wouldn't doubt it). Parentaldiscretion advised due to language (censored, but still....), and Iapologize to the men (sorta).

Stun gun. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS. 
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. guy who purchased hislovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this... 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &amp; Pawn Shop thatsparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I waslooking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I cameacross was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of thetaser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affecton your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL! 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded twotriple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Iwas disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd getthe blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burnspot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone withthis new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two triple-a batteries, right?!!! There I sat in my recliner, mycat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I wasreading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try thisthing out on a flesh &amp; blood moving target. I must admit Ithought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thoughtbetter of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give thisthing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burstwould shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst wassupposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; athree-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on theground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three secondswould be wasting the batteries. 

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (andloaded 
with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... 
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burstfrom such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. Idecided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. Itouched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLYMOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION)*(&amp;#(*)&amp;*(#%)jld*(&amp;#*#***!!! 

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked meup in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over andover and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetalposition, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples onfire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under mybody in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat wasstanding over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do itagain!" 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, onenote of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when youzap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodgedfrom your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A threesecond burst would be considered conservative. 

SON-OF-A-^@*!#... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can'tbe sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bentreading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they upget there??? 

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My facefelt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significantreward for their safe return.


----------



## missyscove

I just got e-mailed this link, and I was literally laughing out loud for most of them. 

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/Annoying.shtml


----------



## Linz_1987

Haha thats really funny!

This is scary though, i actually by accident sometimes go to shakesomeone with my left hand as I am left handed! And it doesreally annoy people, they ask me if I have hurt my right hand orsomething!

I also honk and wave at strangers hehe -


Hello everybody! :wave:eace


----------



## missyscove

http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebox/jibjab/id/196629/jokeid/58786

some of these first ones are the same, but they're really funny too.


----------



## aeposten

My favorite joke . . .


A student walks up to his Physics teacher and says "what's new?"

The teacher replies, "C over lambda."

Get it, because:

nu=C/Lambda . . .


:laugh:

-Amy


----------



## Linz_1987

*aeposten wrote:*


> My favorite joke . . .
> 
> 
> A student walks up to his Physics teacher and says "what's new?"
> 
> The teacher replies, "C over lambda."
> 
> Get it, because:
> 
> nu=C/Lambda . . .
> 
> 
> :laugh:
> 
> -Amy




Hmmm I dont get it :embarrassed:eh heeee


----------



## naturestee

Dear Wife: 

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. 
I've been a good man to you for seven years, and I have nothing to showfor it. These last two weeks have been ****. Your boss called to tellme that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw. 
Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a newhair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair ofsilk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straightto sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you loveme anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you'recheating on me, or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I'mgone. 
Your EX-Husband 
P.S. Don't trying to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! 
_____ 
Dear Ex-Husband: 
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. 
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. 
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whiningand gripping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got ahair cut last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You lookjust like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if youcan't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you musthave gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating steakseven years ago. 
I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on becausethe price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidencethat my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning ...and your silk boxers were $49.99. 
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work itout. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten milliondollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when Igot home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. 
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer saidwith the letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. 
So take care. 
Signed Rich and Free! 
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem


----------



## AngelnSnuffy

Hee Hee, Naturestee, that's a good one. Never heard that one before. :wink


----------



## Linz_1987

Hah that is a good one I loved it!

How do you add a word document onto this post? I have a funny document to send.

Also this is a joke my dad sent me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Cookbook Diary



MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The
recipe
said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me
some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without
dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend
home
for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before
steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.

I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said
prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom
asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients
in
a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this
recipe.

When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked
me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Tom keeps counting to
ten.

SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had
was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in
the
oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to
my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager
for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk
Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with
chocolate
moose.


----------



## HoneyPot

Gotta Love this Lawyer Only in Louisiana. You gotta love this lawyer -it's too good not to share! Everyone who has ever bought a house willenjoy this. A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. Hewas told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory titleto the parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to theproperty dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months totrack down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received thefollowing reply. 



(Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client'sloan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstractof Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you haveprepared and presented the application, we must point out that you haveonly cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clearthe title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows(actual letter):" 



Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. 

I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 yearscovered by the present application. I was unaware that any educatedperson in this country, particularly those working in the propertyarea, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., fromFrance in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. Forthe edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the landprior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired itby Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession ofSpain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captainnamed Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege ofseeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The goodqueen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titlesas the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Popebefore she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now thePope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, theSon of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that partof the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner oforigin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, theworld as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claimto be satisfactory. Now, may we have our **** loan?" 



He got the loan.


----------



## missyscove

Things Said Under Oath

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
____________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to 
 you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
____________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
____________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
____________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
____________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
____________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
____________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant 
 to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
____________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
 What school did you goto?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that youexamined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering while 
 I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, 
 did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was 
 alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.


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## Bunnys_rule63

:bumpI think this thread needs reviving, so come on guys, post your funny jokes, stories, pictures - whatever!:biggrin2:

I'll start...

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk: 



Q : My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the Screen. 
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? 
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo? 
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I create a New Document window? 
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour? 
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? 
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? 
A: Pick it up and shake it. 

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? 
A: Don't shake it. 

Regards 
IT Technical Support Team



*Dear Abby:
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... Phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked up her cell hone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but, last night, she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. I t was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to leaking a little oil. 
Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Jim*



How do you know you are too fat?

When you are sun tanning on the beach, a number of guys from Greenpeace try to roll you back in the water




*A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." 

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." 
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. 
Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied,

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"*


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## Bunnys_rule63

*Applying for a job at the CIA*

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a gun to death with the chair!"


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## Bunnys_rule63

Ever feel like doing this to someone?









Just watch it over and over....it makes you feel so much better!:biggrin2:


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## Bunnys_rule63

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. 

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, God, please give me the strength to cross the river." 

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs; and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. 

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river." 

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs; and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. 

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools, and the intelligence to cross the river" 

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream, and walked across the bridge.


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## Bunnys_rule63

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me. 

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. 





Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: 

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" 

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!


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## Bunnys_rule63




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