# Flash's Place - 2



## Flashy (Jan 1, 2009)

[align=center]*This is just copied from the start of my previous blog given that absolutely nothing has changed!*
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Flash* was my world, and all the bunnies I have now are directly, or indirectly, due to me owning and having him.



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I currently have 14 in my motley bunny crew, and 3 fosters who have wormed their way (in one case, literally) into my heart, house and crew. That obviously takes me up to 17. My days are very busy!

Top of my bunny crew is head of the house, *Sky*, Flashâs son.



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Heâs my beautiful boy, or rather, Iâm his girl, and no one elseâs (he has a VERY jealous streak in him). He is proud daddy to the majority of my buns (8 out of my 14), although it did take a while to teach him what to do and how. He is a bun who sometimes get free range at night, and I often wake up to find him snuggled with me, on my chest, or next to me, and thatâs a very nice wake up call, but not at 4am.



*Badger*



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âInstant Badgerâ is much more of a puppy than a bunny, and is a complete love bug. Wherever I am, he is, in an instant, and thatâs the same for everyone else in the house to, he is just a little less instant. He is very cheeky and gets that definite glint when he knows he is doing something he shouldnât. When he gets free range in my bed at night-time he snuggles down on my duvet and watches friends, occasionally coming over for strokes, and getting my attention by shoving his face and whiskers in my face.



*Sandy*



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Sandy is very much Queen, at least in her head, and was not very pleased with the months of mockery she got for growing back her spay hair in a ridiculous pattern, earning her the nickname âTufty baldyâ. She is mum to 7 of my crew, and earned herself the right to a life of luxury finally (this is her fourth home). She is now spayed and I intend to bond her with somebun at some point, although so far she is refusing all the options given to her. I think she has had enough bunny hassles and wants to relax in peace!



*Star*



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Star is one of Sandy and Skyâs children and like Sky and Badger, he thinks I am his and no one elses. Starry Arree is not a fan of being held (although he does like the occasional nose rub) but he loves company and when he is out, if Iâm around, he will be found either near my shoulder, or my foot. Heâs our little OCD bunny and is the ultimate tidy guy, and is the cleanest of all clean buns. If he doesnât have his litter tray he puts himself into stasis because he wonât use anything else. Talk about awkward!



*Angel*



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Angel is a spitting image of his granddaddy Flash, although Angel has âtearsâ. He was named after his Angel granddad as opposed to his dad (like everyone else is), because of the uncanny resemblance, right down to the âslipped discâ. He is a hyper, manic maniac and as an intact guy (one of only two intact bunnies here) all he wants to do is run and dig and play and mark and poo and scent and then run some more. Heâs a very affectionate little guy though, when he stands still. One day he will be very willingly (Iâm sure) fathering his own children, Skyâs grandchildren and Flashâs great grandchildren, well, thatâs if everything goes to plan.



*Lightning*



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Lightning is a mirror of his daddy, sort of, and has very similar traits, but in some ways is very different. He hates being handled (canât blame him because when he was younger he got his little boy bits âmunchedâ and had to have some uncomfortable treatment) and will tell you with a nip, although just recently I have discovered a stroke on the neck is very much enjoyed. He is SO alive and alert and a right pickle. I donât think the world is big enough for Lightning, he will always want to explore more... much like most of my buns actually.



*Dusk*



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Dusk is a very friendly guy, although not right now (heâs been recently neutered and was not happy about that) and is apparently, claustrophobic and loves his run, spending his nights there, even when itâs cold. He has only started to lick me recently which is so cute, but only when he is marking my nose. I would love to bond him with Sandy, but that all depends on Sandy. He has the potential, to be submissive, but we shall see, I guess.



*Cloud and Candyfloss (Cloudyfloss)*



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Cloud and Candyfloss are my newest pair and are part of my former quad (the other two being the Dopeys). Cloud is Skyâs oldest son, and Candyfloss is my first rescue, and my newest addition. These two together are a complete handful. Candyfloss is a Houdini and is supremely confident (she was found in a back garden, so she probably escaped from her previous home). Cloud is very anxious and until recently (in fact, until he was bonded specifically with her) that anxiety allowed him to be vicious. Since being with Candyfloss he has started to pick up on her confidence, and whilst he is anxious, he is now not vicious, and can still remember that he loves a cuddle, like he did when he was a babe. Candyfloss is a bit of a bolshie girl, but he can handle his women and is not intimidated. They are like the odd couple, but so far, are working well.



*The Dopeys*



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The Dopeys are two sisters and are basically one entity, doing the same thing at the same time, and always together, they are also, quite simply, the most stupid rabbits Iâve ever met. They are very dependent on each other and I have every intention of bonding somebun/bunnies with them so that when one dies, the other is not left alone because she definitely wonât cope. There were part of a quad with Cloudyfloss for 6 weeks, until Dopey 2 got spurs and Candyfloss decided she didnât want her around anymore. So now I have to start from scratch bonding the Dopeys with somebuns. They were spayed this week and have done amazingly, after a bit of a dicey start. They are living it up in our living room and are so happy here. They are very peaceful to watch and have a real calming effect. Something else of interest is that they are very vocal bunnies and you can have a conversation with them. They have a wide repertoire of oinks, honks, quacks and more.



*Dawn, Sunny* *and Hope (The Swarming)*



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The Swarming are exactly that, a swarming. They swarm wherever they are, especially if there is food around. They have been bonded since March and are the last three of Skyâs and Sandyâs children. They are a strange group of buns and they get up to SO many problems. Generally Sunny will find something she wants to do (this normally involves going somewhere she shouldnât) and she will show Dawn who will get her there. She will then go, and he will follow and when she starts to get cautious, he will take over (sort of like he is too stupid to be scared). Once these two have sussed out what is what Sunny will go and get Hope and they will swarm as a group wherever it happens to be they have gone. Dawn is very outgoing and confident and very, very licky. He creates the most problems, but is not the mastermind. Sunny is quite bright and is the mastermind of most trouble. She hates being handled, but is very affectionate when she knows she is in control. Hope is, well, erm, Hope. He is very quiet, not the brightest, a bit ânot all thereâ, and gets very distressed if separated from Dawn and/or Sunny, and together they make up a very good trio. I would love to bond these three with the Dopeys because I think they would be excellent together. This will be my spring project.

So those are my permanent residents. No onto my foster...


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## Flashy (Jan 1, 2009)

[align=center]*2008 At A Glance. (A long glance)*[/align] *1st January 08*- Rebonded the Dopeys and Cloud after a temporary split due to overgrooming. 
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[/align] Sandy is 2!
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[/align] *14[sup]th[/sup] January 08- 21[sup]st[/sup] January 08*- Star went into near stasis but we kept him out of it with syringing water, basil water and lots of fresh greens.
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[/align] *28[sup]th[/sup] January 08*- I got my new NIC cage up, and was then able to finally move Hope and Dawn in with each other.
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[/align] *29[sup]th[/sup] January 08*- Had my RSPCA Interview (this was SO scary).
*5[sup]th[/sup] March 08*- Sunny and Sandy spayed. Hope does his best to put himself in stasis due to missing Sunny (they lived next door to each other).
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[/align] *10[sup]th[/sup] March 08*- Dawn gets pinwormies.
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[/align] *19[sup]th[/sup] March 08-* Sandyâs first Gotcha Day.
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[/align] *21st March 08*- Sunny finally gets to move in with Dawn and Hope (they had been bonding for months), and the space means Sandy can move into my room.
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[/align] *23[sup]rd[/sup] March 08*- Badgerâs first Gotcha Day.
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[/align] *1[sup]st[/sup] April 08*- Sweep is 9!
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[/align] *8[sup]th[/sup] April 08*- Sweep gets diagnosed with a tumour in his gut.
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[/align] *16[sup]th[/sup] May 08*- Star and Badger had a fight, Star ends up on anti-biotics.
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[/align] *22[sup]nd[/sup] May 08*- Sweep lost the battle with his tumour.
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[/align][align=center][flash=320,256]http://uk.youtube.com/v/kJb_4Fu7y7U[/flash]
[/align] *3[sup]rd[/sup] June 08*- The Dinkies are 1! And not so Dinky!
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[/align] *25[sup]th[/sup] June 08*- Dopeys are 2!
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[/align] *30[sup]th[/sup] June 08*- Got my first foster bun Harley.
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[/align] *2[sup]nd[/sup] July 08*- Candyfloss, my first rescue rabbit, comes home.
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[/align] *3[sup]rd[/sup] July 08*- Candyfloss has cystitis after her spay (it was not picked up at the centre).
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[/align] *7[sup]th[/sup] July 08*- Harley goes to his new forever home.
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[/align] *17[sup]th[/sup] July 08*- Cloud is 2!
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[/align] *28th July 08*- I was lucky enough to meet Polly and her hubby when they came down to collect their new bun Hercules 
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10[sup]th[/sup] August 08*- Dawn and Star have fight, Star needs baytril, AGAIN.
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[/align] *16[sup]th[/sup] August 08*- Quad (Candyfloss, Dopeys and Cloud) finally move in together.
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[/align] *17[sup]th[/sup] August 08*- 2[sup]nd[/sup] foster bunny, Summer, arrives.
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[/align] *18[sup]th[/sup] August 08*- Summer goes to the vets, she has bad urine scald, is obese and recovering from mites. She is now on anti-biotics.
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[/align] *19[sup]th[/sup] August 08- 24[sup]th[/sup] August 08*- I end up involved in a situation with a lady and her remaining rabbit, and have to find the rabbit a home. The rabbit goes to bond with my first foster Harley, and finds her forever home there.
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[/align] *27[sup]th[/sup] August 08*- Hopeâs stomach blows up. Goes to the vets, has gut slowdown caused by spurs.
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[/align] *1[sup]st[/sup] September 08*- Hope has his spurs burred down.
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[/align] *2[sup]nd[/sup] September 08*- Summer is spayed. Roger is neutered.
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[/align] *5[sup]th[/sup] September 08*- Third foster Roger, arrives. He is vet checked and he has an infected testicle so he goes onto anti biotics.
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[/align] *11[sup]th[/sup] September 08*- Roger starts to hand feed (whilst a seemingly small milestone, it was huge progress).
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[/align] *12[sup]th[/sup] September 08*- Summer has post spay complications and develops a lump behind her spay wound. She goes on antibiotics and long term pain killers. We keep her out of stasis, just, by feeding her grass. Baytril does not work, so Septrin is used and this eventually works.
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[/align] *27[sup]th[/sup] September 08*- Quad divorce. Dopey 2 has a seizure. They end up as the Dopeys as a pair again, and Candyfloss and Cloud bonded as a pair.
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[/align] *29[sup]th[/sup] September 08*- Roger and Summer fully bonded
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[/align] *2[sup]nd[/sup] October 08*- Dopey 2 goes to the vet, has spurs.
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[/align] *6[sup]th[/sup] October 08*- Sky is 3! The old man of the house.
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[/align] *7[sup]th[/sup] October 08*- Dopey 2 has her spurs burred down (we had to colour them because the surgery couldnât tell the difference, unsurprisingly).
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[/align] *14[sup]th[/sup] October 08*- Fourth foster bun, Tilly, comes home.
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[/align] *17[sup]th[/sup] October 08*- Summer, Roger and Tilly fully bond and move in together.
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[/align] *21[sup]st[/sup] October 08*- Tilly has first Convenia injection.
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[/align] *22[sup]nd[/sup] October 08*- Badger is 2!
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[/align] *30[sup]th[/sup] October 08*- Summer chokes and nearly dies. Rush to vets, and oxygen followed by diuretics save her (hankfully she coughed up the pellet herself, so they just had to deal with the excess fluid and saliva she was producing), then she is on a course of antibiotics to prevent any sort of lung infection.
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[/align] *11[sup]th[/sup] November 08*- Dusk is neutered and The Dopeys are spayed.
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[/align] *13[sup]th[/sup] November 08*- Summerâs tapeworm idenfied (thanks to Angieluv).
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[/align] *14[sup]th[/sup] November 08*- Tilly starts a solid run of Convenia, having weekly injections. She learns new skills all the time and it does wonders for her. Summer, Roger and Tilly have first Droncit injections.
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[/align] *18[sup]th[/sup] November 08*- Inside buns have their first Droncit injections.
*20[sup]th[/sup] November 08*- Outside buns have their first Droncit injections.
*24[sup]th[/sup] November 08*- Fosters go for their second Droncit injection.
*28[sup]th[/sup] November 08*- Inside buns go for their second Droncit injections.
*29[sup]th[/sup] November 08*- Something wrong with Cloudâs gut.
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[/align] *1[sup]st[/sup] December 08*- Outside buns go for second Droncit injections. Cloud identified as having spurs.
*5[sup]th[/sup] December 08*- Cloud has his spurs burred down.
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[/align] *8[sup]th[/sup] December 08*- Hope has runny eye, started on anti biotics.
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[/align] *10[sup]th[/sup] December 08*- Star started on same antibiotics as also has runny eye.
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[/align] *18[sup]th[/sup] Decemeber 08*- Star goes back to the vets because the antibiotics donât work, so are given a different type.

So that took us to the end of the year.

[align=center] *Bunny Statistics*
[/align] Bunnies started 2008 with- 14
Bunnies ended 2008 with- 14 + 3 fosters
Bunnies lived here during 2008- 19 (15 of mine, plus 4 fosters)
Bunnies died here- 1
Bunnies born here- 0
Bunnies gained- 1 permanent resident, 4 fosters (3 remaining)
Living situation at start of year- 12 singles, 1 pair
Living situation at end of year- 2 pairs, 1 trio, 7 singles, 1 foster trio


[align=center] *My RSPCA Statistics*
[/align] Rabbits helped rehome- 41, plus my very own Candyfloss (that number is weird because very few buns actually go as singles, most go as pairs).
Pre Adoption visits done- 41
Post Adoption visits done- 29
Home visits passed- 52
Home visits failed/not acceptable- 18

Rehomed bunnies (some of them)
Penguin (left) with her new bonded husbun Minstrel
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[/align] Guiness (left) and Tony
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[/align] Derek (left) and Sugar
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[/align] Tanya (left) and Annabel
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[/align] Houdini (left) and his new girlfriend Daisy
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[/align] Liquorice (right) and her new boyfriend Bracken. These two are particular special to me because Liquoriceâs new owners couldnât bond them and were seriously considering returning her, so I bonded them and now they are both happily bonded and Liquorice will be staying in her forever home.
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[/align] Tulip (she has a new boyfriend, Blaze, who is not in the pic)
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[/align] Snowy (right) and Lola
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[/align] Xena and Xola (Lolaâs daughters)
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[/align] Zorro (right, Lolaâs son) and Rose 
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[/align] Frisk (centre) with her very new friends Inca and Leo (she was bonded to an old boy called Bob who sadly died, but her owner had Inca and Leo and wanted to try for a trio, it worked excellently. This was their first bonding session).
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[/align] Violet (she has a new husbun called Fudge)
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[/align] Patch (who was renamed Ralph, and bonded to Alphina)
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[/align] Ghost (right) and Babe
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[/align] Mario and Pepper (who knows which is which!)
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[/align] Ruby (who has a new husbun Tigger)
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[/align] Harley and Floppy
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[/align] Mouse (second picture) and Russell (half domestic, half wild)
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[/align] Coco (who had a girlfriend who was caught by a fox and should be getting a new bunny friend at some point in the future, pending the new owners making the appropriate adjustments)
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## Flashy (Jan 1, 2009)

*Looking back at 2008 we had a pretty stressful year with many minimal things going wrong (spurs, mainly, but the fosters contributed a LOT with their problems), but we only had one mega problem, and one loss of life. That far exceeds what we did in 2007 where we tragically saw 4 losses (although we did also see 7 babies).

This year things have really changed here, and I'm starting to fele really good about the care my rabbits get and everything I am able to give them.

I'd really like to see 2009 bringing our transition time to an end, and for us to get stable (although that rarely happens with buns, and once you get stable things need to change again, for whatever reason). All my buns are heading towards middle age and it would be nice to get all the bonding in spring sorted, and to have everything just right.

Ideally I would obviously like to lose none of mine, but would be happy to lose the fosters to a fandabby home (but obviously gutted if I lost anybun, be it mine or a foster), because then I could take in more. I have my eye on a pair at the RSPCA who, if they are not homed by the end of this year, will come to me.*


ETA- The blog from Nov 2008- End Dec 08 can be found here, Flash's Place


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## Sabine (Jan 1, 2009)

That's some busy year! Your buns look all very happy. The love you are giving them really shows in the pictures. Hope all your bonding plans work out for 2009.


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## Becca (Jan 1, 2009)

I love the way you have started this blog  

Do you mind if I do something similar in mine? - Just tell me if you don't want me to, I don't mind... Obviously mine won't be as busy as yours as I have only 3 buns but LOL...

I think Dopey 2 looks so cute with the green on 

Happy New Year Tracy hope you got my text


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## Flashy (Jan 1, 2009)

Of course that's ok Becca  I did get your text, sorry I didn't text back, but Happy New Year to you too  I hope it's an ace one for you (and everyone else obviosuly too).


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## Flashy (Jan 1, 2009)

*Summer has been getting extra feeds.

This is how she ate tonight.*

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## Sabine (Jan 1, 2009)

Aaaah, what a little piggy My Lint would often try and hop into the bag if I'm foolish enough to pour the food in front of her. Getting it out of the bag makes it so much more interesting. Cute little bunny butt.


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## Flashy (Jan 2, 2009)

*It was Sandy's birthday yesterday. I tried to get this on last night, but youtube was unco-operative.

She got a special 'breakfast' at 8pm  and she very much enjoyed it.* 

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## Flashy (Jan 2, 2009)

I don't know why there are so many videos but I can't delete them out. Tis random, but in a blog with 'momoments' in the title, maybe it's allowed.

AH! sorted (When I wrote it, for some reason, there were three videos there, lol).


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## Becca (Jan 2, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> Of course that's ok Becca  I did get your text, sorry I didn't text back, but Happy New Year to you too  I hope it's an ace one for you (and everyone else obviosuly too).


Thanks, you have really super ideas, and don't worry about not texting back  As long as you got it


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## Becca (Jan 2, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> *It was Sandy's birthday yesterday. I tried to get this on last night, but youtube was unco-operative.
> 
> She got a special 'breakfast' at 8pm  and she very much enjoyed it.*
> 
> ...



Awwwh :shock: So cute, hope she had a super duper birthday


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## JadeIcing (Jan 2, 2009)

Love the blog and bunners as always. I love Summer and her extra feed!


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## Flashy (Jan 2, 2009)

This is a very small warning, lol. I went to the docs today and have gotten a fresh prescription for a new antidepressant. Normally when I start anti depressants they make me very ill (both physically and mentally) and he has said I can use the anti psychotics he prescribed me on Wednesday if I feel really bad. They will slow me down and knock me out (not sure if anyone will remember/know but they are the same tablets that Kerry Katona takes and did her very awful This Morning interview under the influence of) so if I post garbage, or am not around, or whatever, that's why.


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## Sabine (Jan 2, 2009)

So sorry, you are having such a rough time at the moment. I hope you are able to make it through without the extra prescription. My mum used to be on anti-depressants, sedatives and other things to counter act the effects of those drugs. It's not easy. Still even if you're shlurring your posts I'm sure people will still want to read them and particularily keep updated about the bunnies. Look after yourself, Sabine


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## Flashy (Jan 6, 2009)

*One of my fosters, Summer, is not right. She saw the vet this morning, and he agrees. She has lost a bit of weight (2.3kg to 2.15kg), and has a boney spine. She is completely fine in herself though which is the most important thing.

She's going in on Thursday to have a small lump removed (which she has had since I got her in August but the RSPCA would not remove), X-rays and blood tests. I'm paying for all this out of my own pocket because I want to know she gets the best care.

This girl may 'only' be a foster, but over the last few months we have gotten so close. She went through a horrid spay and post spay complications and I used to sit with her, and she would seek me out and put her 'affectionate paw' on me. 

She choked in October and I was horrified to face losing her. I always had this lovely idea that I could find her and her two bond mates the perfect home, but when she arrived I always felt she would die here. I'm desperate for her to be healthy and have that wonderful life in her perfect home, but if this shows up anything then she will stay with me, right until the very bitter end (her and her two foster buddies).

I love this little girl so much. She's 'my girl' and I always just wanted her to have the best, which if she is healthy, would be a home where she could have all the attention in the world, but if she is unhealthy the best place is here (otherwise the RSPCA will euthanise her).

I'm just very gutted for her, we have come through so much (obesity problems, mites-both of which she arrived with- spay issues, choking and then a tape worm) and it seems so unfair for her to have to face this now. I had a bun who had a tumour last year and we brought him home and gave him 6 wonderful weeks until we knew it was time. It was so hard to do that, and it feels too soon to do it again, but if I have then, then I will. I'm scared for her.* 


ETA- sorry if that's waffly and not understandable, I haven't eaten since Friday and my brain is REALLY fluffy.

Also this is cross posted from another site because I don't have the energy to rewrite it.


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## Sabine (Jan 6, 2009)

I am so sorry to hear about your worries with Summer. It's hard to not get attached to a bunny especially if you have been through a lot with her already. Hope it'll go alright and whatever happens she'll continue being a happy bunny. 
You're fantastic caring for your buns in that way.
P.S. the post wasn't waffly at all


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## polly (Jan 6, 2009)

Keeping my fingers crossed for Summer Tracy I hope everything goes ok getting her lump done and she is ok


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## Flashy (Jan 7, 2009)

Blerugh, sorry, this is going to be about me because I have no where else to vent this right now.

I'm having a panic. I am on the disability living allowance. I get highest care (because I need help to keep myself safe) and lowest mobility (because I often need someone to come with me, especially when going to a new place, yes, the wonderful anxiety).

I got a phone call today and on Monday I have to drive to somewhere an hour away and find a place in a hospital ALL BY MYSELF and I'm absolutley panciked about it.

I very rarely go out of my comfort zone and when I'm in my comfort zone I can do things by myserlf. God I hate being so pathetic.

The place I have to go to is a Priory Hospital and it's for an assessment for outpatient therapy (which will start the day after!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

I have a lot of mixed feleingd about this therapy. I've already been told it's going to have liited success for me, and then I was also told that out of all his patients my doc says I am the one with the most insight into myself, so therefore I worry this will even be less useful than it might have been. I'm also very stressed because this is my one and only shot and what if this doesn't help me, or get me to a place where I can actually function. Then what? I'm stuck like this!

I don't avwe anyone I can properly discuss this with, who knows about this sort of stuff, becsause everyone thinks its an amazing opporunity, and it is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't provoke less than positive emtoions. 

I need to get this right and make it work, but if I don't I have failed everyone.

I'm absolutel petrified and my mind is going nbuts. I know that is probably due to not having any fuel in my brain and everyting gets worse when you don't eat and stuff but I can't eat and either way I'm ancious.

This is complete garble but yeh, I've got myself in a very successful state, lol. I think I need to go and chill and have a bathor hoover or something. orry.


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## Sabine (Jan 7, 2009)

It would be great if someone could come with you on the day. If you haven't eaten properly for so long and then being anxcious on top of it it can hardly be safe to drive. (Not that I want to freak you out even more) Couldn't the hospital sent someone up to fetch you or something. They might be understanding.

I didn't quite get what type of therapy it is since there are so many different ones but I'm sure it's worth giving it a shot and even if it doesn't work it doesn't mean it's the end of it for you. I am sure there are always new options and opportunities. I hope you find some way to make it out to that place safely.

Sabine


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## Flashy (Jan 7, 2009)

This may be inappropriate for some people to read given it goes into a fair amount of depth about my mental health problems. Also, I just want to say that I am pretty open about all this because it's not a choice, it's part of me, and an illness, and so I know some people will find this too open, or honest. That is sort of what Peg said in her blog actually, about what people say about her. In terms of me, this is related to me being very aware of myself and intune with myself.

Thanks Sabine  You've been really supportive recently so thank you so much 

I'm a lot calmer now (and have finally eaten something moderately substancial). I'm going to do a test run over the weekend and I know where one reception is so if I get in a panic then I can go and ask them where I should go.

The hospital won't send someone. It's a private hospital funded by my local NHS so it's a bit different from a regular NHS hospital or where you are under the care of the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team).

I have been in the mental health system for 4 years now, although my problems startd to show 17 years ago, but were very much ignored. During that time (the 4 years in the mental health system) I have passed through a few diagnoses, seen multiple professionals, none of which have felt able to help me, or able to offer me any sort of therapy. They basically deemed me too complex to help and discharged me from their services, so I have had to work so hard myself to try and get myself to where I am.

I'm pretty much in a completely different universe from where I was a couple of years ago, when I was sectioned, when I used to spend like 4 out of every 7 evenings sitting in A&E, where I have mostly no recollection of that time of my life, where I would go missing and have to be found by the police, where I didn't understand myself at all, and more.

Now I am moderately functional, I can actually volunteer and help people and buns, I am seven and a half months self harm free (which, when it used to be at least once a day is a huge thing) and haven't overdosed since September, I can see good in myself, I have some self worth, and I finally want/need to fight, I can sort of look at my future options too. I even managed to see my friends on Christmas Eve which I have not done for 4 years and that was amazing (once I recovered from the stress, lol).

I have one major problem that I need some help with though, that I just simply can not beat myself. The rest I have absolutely done all by myself with occasional support from my GP. I have picked myself up from the absolute lowest that people can get to and just taken baby step after baby step to get myself to a far better place (although still very far from where I want to be).

My main problem is dissociation. Basically it affects me in a few different ways, sometimes I forget who I am, where I am, what I'm doing, how to do something, and this obviously impacts quite a lot on my regular life. It can happen anywhere, at any time, like if I'm driving down a road I drive a lot, one day I might forget and not recognise it and be 'lost', or like I might forget how to pour oil out of a bottle (this has happened more than ocne and is SO frustrating), or I forget how to get dressed or other things as equally mundane and normal. These I am learning to cope with, for example, if I forget where I am when driving I just keep driving until I know where I am, or if I forget how to do someting I just go away and then go back a few mins later and normally my brain has normalised a little. 

The main type of dissociation that REALLY gets me and that I do need to beat is when I get a blank of time and in that time do something self destructive to myself because this really disrupts my life. It can be triggered either by an emotion (because I normally don't feel emotions, so any sort of emotion comes in an extreme and triggers it) or it can trigger itself (and that's something thats probably not appropriate to go into on here because I know I'm already walking a very fine line here as to what is and what isn't appropriate).

This therapy is called DBT (Dialectic Behavioural Therapy), and is primarily for people who have Borderline Personality Disorder (which I have), and whilst I have that and my dissociation is part of that, the DBT may not help the dissocation much (The BPD specialist guy was the one who told me it had limited capacity to help me). Given that my local CMHT have discarded me, and I have tried several avenues myself (private therapists, MIND, saneline, etc) to no avail, this truly is my last shot. If this doesn't work, then I'm pretty much a lost cause. I have said many times in recent years that me, as a person, can keep fighting as long as I have hope, but if the hope is taken, or goes, then I will be lost. Basically, this is actually my last shot because whilst I can keep trying different therapists and such, I won't get a chance for this type of therapy again. 

On a side note my anti depressants didn't happen. I took one on Saturday and they knocked me sideways in a way I have never, ever experienced with anything like this before, and add to that a stomach bug (hence the not eating), it has been a rough few days, lol. But yeh, the medication just didn't happen.

That was long and waffly, and probably explains more than needed to be explained, but often people who depression can over catastrophise situations (such as if someone says they can't help but to try X, Y, Z, the person may think that no one can help them , and give up, because that's the nature of the best), and I don't do that, I'm actually very realistic about a lot of things, this, unfortunately, being one of them.

Sorry, more waffle! lol.


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## Flashy (Jan 7, 2009)

*I've been thinking a lot about Summer today and the outcome of the tests and such.

I can only draw this conclusion.

If it is something that is quickly treatable and she can recover from, then they will remain adoptable, but probbaly stay with me until she is better.

If it is something long term and chronic then I will discuss with the RSPCA if she will be rehomed or not.

If it is something that is terminal, or degenerative then the RSPCA will want to euthanise her, in which case she will become mine, as will the other two.

Basically, there will be a point where the RSPCA deem her unadoptable and want to euthanise her, and if that is the case she will stay here until the end. We will probably end up with a Sweep type situation if that is the case, but like I said before, if I have to do that, I will. 

The main catch with this is that if Summer stays here so do the other two. That is not a bad thing because they are lovely and I know I can give them exactly what they need, but equally, if I keep them then the space left for fostering is limited, VERY limited, especially given that in spring I will behaving a big rearrange of buns inside and out. That will take me permanently to 17, although will probably quickly reduce to 16 if she is ill.

Within a few days my numbers might permanently increase. For those buns that is great, but for other potential fosters, that is not so great, unless I can teach Tilly how to use a ramp and then somehow combine them with somebuns. Like maybe Dusk.

I said right at the word go that Summer would die here and I still really want to be wrong about it. 

Lots going round in my head I guess.*


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## Sabine (Jan 7, 2009)

Dissiciation the way you describe it reminds me of a nightmare I have occasionally (particularily before the start of term): I am infront of an group of people (audience or class) and i have no idea what I am doing there. I am supposed to play a role or teach a class but I can't remember what it is but I know deep down that I should know - it must be scary if that happens in reality! It is good that you are learning to deal with those situations without panicking. Is the therapy meant to teach you more tequniques to deal with it since you say it won't help prevent those episodes from reoccuring?
There's got to be more help out there though than just this one therapy left open to you. It may be dangerous looking at it as the last shot rather than a stepping stone for recovery. Maybe through this you'll meet different people with the right knowledge to point you into the direction to go (different people/different therapy)
I wouldn't even dare to say that i know how you must feel because my "worst" episodes of loosing the plot (like forgetting names of close aquaintances in social situations or walking aimlessly around forgetting what i was meaning to do) can usually be disguised. But even those sent my hart racing and make me feel panicky. In fact I wouldn't even drive because i am to scared I forget what to do in an emergency.
You are probably better of without the anti depressants because i imagine they would only make you dissociate more (anyway that's the effect they had on my mum)
The bunnies areprobably the best therapy even if they are not the cure.
I think it's great that you're not letting the disease beat you but that you try to stay well, because there's so much out there and you have so much to give to other people.
Sabine


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## TinysMom (Jan 7, 2009)

I need to be out the door in just a few minutes to pick up Art - but as I read what you're writing about the upcoming therapy - something comes to my mind that I feel I must share.

I know you're thinking it may not help you and then you will be like you are now - but what if instead - the synergy of how much you've already helped yourself - works with the therapy they will be giving you - and instead of being left the way you are - you wind up surpassing their expectations and your expectations too!

I see that as a very real possibility for you. When I first went for counseling - we knew it would take me a while to work through things. However, I finished counseling much sooner than we thought I would - and my counselor said that it was largely because I worked so hard on my own - that when I'd come to a session - it was almost like I'd done 2 sessions worth of thinking and working on myself. She said I was one of her most "self-motivated" clients she'd ever had.

I don't know - I'm just praying that is what will happen instead - that something will kick in and help you out. 

And even if it doesn't help you as much as you'd like - if it helps you some - won't you at least be somewhat closer to what you want to be? 

I guess what I've been telling myself lately is that - I focus too much on the negative and I forget to see the small baby steps I'm taking towards progress. Its like - I'll see the 10 things I didn't do - and beat myself up for that - instead of rewarding myself and praising myself for the three things I DID get done.

Just a thought...

Finally - what is GP? I thought of "Guinea Pig" but I knew you didn't mean that. I thought of Grandparents...but I'm guessing you mean "general practitioner" aka doctor..is that right?

Gotta run soon .... but I appreciate your honesty in your blog and hope maybe someone those of us who care about you can gather around and support you from a distance....


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## Flashy (Jan 7, 2009)

Thanks for the replies guys 

GP is a General Practitioner, so yeh, my doc, lol. Not a Guinea Pig and DEFINITELY not a grandparent, but yeh, I can see why that caused confusion.

I can see why it all sounds negative. I fought really hard for this therapy, as did my GP, and I didn't expect it to come through, although he did. I'm just full of so much fear and anxiety and hardly any time to prepare myself for it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm going to give absolutely everything to this, but that doesn't take away the fears.

The Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) encompasses a lot of stuff (to be diagnosed you have to meet 6 of 9 criteria, I meet 7) and the therapy is designed to tackle those issues of the 9 criteria (I believe), so some won't apply, but most should be relevant and useful. A lot of it is based on emotion, so that side should help one of the types of dissociation.

I have the BPD diagnosis, but also a depression one too, and that is why they need to get me on some anti depressants. Unfortunately, the side effects (normally mentally more than physically), knock me sideways and I can't stay on anything long enough. If I find the right one, then it SHOULD help with the mood, which might limit the dissociations, obviously the wrong one wrecks havoc on everything though, lol.

I guess maybe this means so much to me and that is why I am so scared in so many ways, about so many things.

Thank you very much for the support guys.

x


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## TinysMom (Jan 7, 2009)

Call me crazy - but the fact you fought hard to get the therapy says a lot to me too...

I really hope it goes well for you.


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## NZminilops (Jan 7, 2009)

The GP/guineapig thing made my day .


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## Wabbitdad12 (Jan 7, 2009)

You have shown so much progress since I have first met you! This therapy is just another building block. I know its going to help you. With the anti-depressants is a trial and error thing. I know it took my doctor a while to find the right one that would work for me.

I hope Summers test come back positive and she will be alright. I am really impressed with your work with the RSPCA, man you have been busy, I got tired reading about all you have done.

Along with others I am here for you.

Dave


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## polly (Jan 7, 2009)

I just want you to know Trace I am behind you 100% i will celebrate with you if it goes well and I will be there if to help pick u up if it doesnt. At least this consultant seems to have a semblence of sense in his head and your GP is being supportive.

Hugs


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## NorthernAutumn (Jan 7, 2009)

Just grabbing my Tracy update  :wave:
Your self-motivation to succeed is a heckuv a lot stronger than a lot of folks, Tracy. Personally, I don't agree with your "lost cause" comment. Being the realist you are, please recognize that you have made a lot of headway in the last year (based on the comments you've made on RO). If you have made this much distance in only a few months, I'm confident that you will continue to have strong personal achievements.

I don't personally give a hoot about some specialist's opinion on whether or not a therapy will help you before you try; there's nothing to lose, so why not go for it? They have no crystal ball in their laps to predicts how each person's unique psyche will respond. Psychology is an ever-growing field, and no one person has all the answers (as I've noticed in the Psychology coursework that Nate is bringing home from uni). If this consultant is supportive, they may think of alternative solutions based on the results of this process.

I wish you the best of luck in this therapy, and in finding the appropriate balance of medications that make daily life a bit easier. Hugs to you, and your buns:hug:.


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## trailsend (Jan 7, 2009)

Hi Tracy I just read through your blog and don't know where to start. Ok to start - I really enjoyed it, I loved all the pictures and your buns are adorable and so well loved and cared for - it really shows. 

I personally am so glad you have been so open and honest and am so glad you have a blog. You are such a great person and you have so many people here rooting for you and wanting the very best for you. And wanting to support you. You are so strong, and there is no way you can deny that. I am so proud of you! You are doing awesome work with the RSPCA and you are climbing over mountains like they are not even there. There will always been more mountains to climb, but please realize how far you have come. 

I really look forward to reading your blog


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## Flashy (Jan 8, 2009)

You've all been really nice and supportive, thak you so much  I don't have anything else to say right now, but I do really sappreciate all your words so thank you (and I had no idea so many people read my blog, lol).

* * * *

*I have just spoken to my vet.

I dropped Summer off less than two hours ago and she is currently under GA.

She has had blood tests and a Rabbit-O-gram taken (or a X-ray as I know it, lol).

Her blood tests show she is not diabetic, and her kidneys are fine (Which is a huge relief because I thought they would be a bit of a mess). However, her liver enzymes are up. Now, this is also not a surprise given that she was horrifically obese when she came to me and we slimmed her down (gradually, but even still, it does put stress on the liver). Other than that, everything came back as normal.

Her x-ray showed that her heart is fine (thankfully, that was also a concern for me), and her lungs are fine. She has no grossly abnormal lumps or bumps inside and her spine seems fine. I asked him if she could have arthritis in her back legs and he said he would go back and have a closer look at the x-ray to see if that is the case.

He then asked me when I wanted to do about the lump she has on her hip. My gut instinct is to get it removed because she is already under GA and it's not going to be hugely invasive. He said she was stable and doing well. We also talked about how she has perked up since being in the spare room and how it might be that she couldn't cope with sub zero temperatures given she is an old lady. He said that she is definitely perky and hasn't actually stopped eating, which sounds about right, lol.

They will remove the lump and then look to see if it looks sinister. Then we will discuss if I want it biopsied. If it is sinister there is also the possibility that it has spread to the liver. My thoughts are is it worth it being biopsied. The only thing it will affect is whether or not she will remain adoptable because they won't adopt out a bunny with cancer, but it won't affect how we care for her because we wouldn't do much different.

So that's where we are. My vet will call me back when he has removed the lump.*


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## Flashy (Jan 8, 2009)

*I've jut spoken to my vet again.

Summer is now coming round.

They removed the lump, it came away easily and was not attached to anything. He said the skin was quite tight and so if we had left it for much longer it would have started to ulcerate, so I'm really glad I made the decision to go ahead with it.

He was surprised it was not a cyst. It was actually a tissue lump, that was a very dark pigment.

Now we do have the debate as to what to do with it. They have put a section ready to be sent off for biopsy if I choose to have that done. I will call the RSPCA and see what they think.

She will come home later *


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## Flashy (Jan 8, 2009)

[align=center]*Summer is now officially mine  (note the colour change)*

*Becky, who I spoke to at the RSPCA (she is the deputy manager) said that as an RSPCA rabbit she would be euthanised, so therefore, Summer is mine *

*Welcome to the household Summery!*

*




*
[/align]


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## Becca (Jan 8, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> [align=center]*Summer is now officially mine  (note the colour change)*
> 
> *Becky, who I spoke to at the RSPCA (she is the deputy manager) said that as an RSPCA rabbit she would be euthanised, so therefore, Summer is mine *
> 
> ...




YAY!!! :biggrin2:

She really is gorgeous!! I love the marking round her nose!!


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## Sabine (Jan 8, 2009)

She is such an adorable bun and in the best forever home there is


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## TinysMom (Jan 8, 2009)

I'm going to sound really crazy - but maybe when you kept getting the thought that she was gonna die at your place - it wasn't because she was so ill - but because she was really meant to live her life out there.

And I can tell you - she's obviously gonna have a WONDERFUL life there...spoiled totally rotten.

I'm so glad she's yours.


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## Flashy (Jan 8, 2009)

I don't know why it was I was sure she was going to die here. I work a lot with my senses when it comes to my buns. I mean like the type of sense my mum calls the 'sixth sense' or what some people might call gut feeling or just something that's not based solely on physical things. Or maybe I subconsciously pick up physical signs without knowing. I always sensed something wrong with her until we treated her tapeworm and then I felt she was healthy despite her tumour, and then I started to feel she wasn't right again, so kept an eye on her and when I was sure, I took her back to my vet.

Recently I started to feel she would be going somewhere else, but my mum reminded me of what I had said, and then all this happened. Maybe Summer just knows when she is on to a good thing


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## Wabbitdad12 (Jan 8, 2009)

:great:Congratulations on your new bun! Tracey, she is absolutely beautiful!


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## polly (Jan 8, 2009)

I am so chuffed for you and Summer Trace :biggrin2:she def. knows she had found her forever home and is doing anything to stay with you


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## Sabine (Jan 8, 2009)

*polly wrote: *


> I am so chuffed for you and Summer Trace :biggrin2:she def. knows she had found her forever home and is doing anything to stay with you


If i were a rabbit I'd grow a tissue lump too to stay in Tracy's. Can you blame her


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## Flashy (Jan 8, 2009)

You're very weird, lol.


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## Sabine (Jan 8, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> You're very weird, lol.


:biggrin2:


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## Flashy (Jan 11, 2009)

Ok, so I broke my camera on Christmas Day and have yet to get it fixed, so no pics for a while, although maybe some videos 

*Summer is recovering REALLY well. She did fantastically the night of the surgery and was back to normal soon. I also thought Roger would remove her stitches, but so far, all but one are still there.

Most of the outside buns have been blocked from their runs during the past few nights because it has been so cold. Angel worked out how to get down one night, so we had to properly barricade him up, and all of them have been angry at me for doing that, lol.

Cloud and Candyfloss have done really well and seem much more settled and more together now. Who knows, maybe being frozen might stand them in good stead and might have improved their relationship.*

Ok, so this isn't about them, but my mum got me this forum Christmas because I said for years I wanted one to do the bunnies in. What do you think?

[align=center]





[/align] 
This is random, but its hard when you have learnt about something, and because other people have learnt different things, and disagree with you, they jump on you.

I have learnt a great deal from here (more specifically, Randy) about EC, head tilt, etc, and when I have said anything about what I have learnt from him/here, on another forum, I either get ignored or jumped on, because other people disagree.

A couple of people understand that EC is so misunderstood and needs far more research into, but most just disregard it outright (an example being head tilt is an active case of EC, and not an infection possibly caused by EC lowering the immune system).

It's very much this! :banghead so I do this :embarrassed:

On here if I say something others disagree with I'm rarely torn apart (and normaslly if I am its done privately), and it's quite a calm and respectful place, but on there, it can be a bit vicious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not slating the forum, it does excellent work and I spend a lot of time there, but being on there is HARD sometimes.

Oh, and my assessment is tomorrow, please, please send me luck!


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## Sabine (Jan 11, 2009)

Handy thing that umbrella. I could do with one to go out later to put settle the buns for the night. (It's been lashing down with rain all day)
What is EC?


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## Flashy (Jan 11, 2009)

EC is E. Cuniculi, and is something that Randy is passionate about and knows a huge amount about it (more than most vets). IF you use the search function (if it works) you might find some of his huge wisdom.


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## JadeIcing (Jan 11, 2009)

Girl I can understand. The battles I have waged over Ringo...


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## polly (Jan 11, 2009)

Good luck for tomorrow Tracy xxx


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## TinysMom (Jan 11, 2009)

Sending tons and tons of luck your way....just worried it won't make it over the ocean in time (or fall on some whales or something and see them get lucky).

Seriously though - you'll be in my thoughts and prayers....


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## Flashy (Jan 11, 2009)

Thanks guys  I did a test run today and found it by chance, and then did the full run. I wrote out all of my anxieties and will print that out and take it with me. I saw my doctor on Friday and he told me that there is only one more place on this course, and I'm not even on it yet because this lady I am seeing tomorrow decides who is on it, and whether or not it will benefit me. Tomorrow is D day, I guess.


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## Sabine (Jan 11, 2009)

whether or which, it's a step further to recovery and even if it turns out the course isn't for you, ther's got to be other options.
Even being able to manage the trip and the assessment is an achievement of some sort


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## TinysMom (Jan 12, 2009)

Sending lots and lots of good wishes your way before I head to bed....by the time I'm up and about I'm sure you will be at the appointment...

Check in with us as soon as you can


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## Flashy (Jan 12, 2009)

I went. I'm back. It's not for me but I have no choice but to do it. I'm stuck.


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## Flashy (Jan 12, 2009)

Oh, and thank you all for the support through this. Sorry, my brain won't function, but I do appreciate it.


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## Sabine (Jan 12, 2009)

I am glad you made it safely there and back. That's some achievement. Sorry to hear it's not what you hoped for.


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## Bo B Bunny (Jan 12, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> I went. I'm back. It's not for me but I have no choice but to do it. I'm stuck.



You know, I have seen you go through a lot and come out the better, stronger person for it. I realize even here, so far from you, that you are a very strong person with a HUGE heart that you give to the bunnies. I have a feeling you can do this even if it isn't going to help you how it should - maybe it will help you with something somewhere along the line. 

ALSO..... I know that you are going to be ok..... you need to be cause you are a savior to those little furballs of yours..... I feel like we all have a purpose and i think the bunnies are yours and that you are theirs. 

I'm really proud of you for your progress. :hug:

Oh, and I want to nap Sandy, and Cloud....... :biggrin2:


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## Wabbitdad12 (Jan 12, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> [align=center]
> 
> 
> 
> [/align]



Tracey you have come a long way since I first met you on the forum, I know you will continue becomestronger.

By the way, you pull this look (umbrella hat) off magnificently! You look stylin!:biggrin2:


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## TinysMom (Jan 12, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> I went. I'm back. It's not for me but I have no choice but to do it. I'm stuck.


I'm not trying to push you when I say this - ok? But can you share why its not for you? Is it stuff you've already done? Can you find anything of value in it?

I'm glad you went at least and that you know more about it. I'm hoping that it will help you - even a little bit....


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## TinysMom (Jan 12, 2009)

Flashy - I was just looking at the pictures of Summer again....

Um...can I steal her? Honestly - I think she is almost my favorite of yours now (over Sandy) and I didn't think I'd ever like another one of yours more than Sandy (who I fell in love with way back...).

She just looks so...sweet...and innocent..and like she's planning mischief.


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## Flashy (Jan 12, 2009)

I don't mind going into it, but is that ok here?


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## Flashy (Jan 12, 2009)

I'm really upset right now. Why am I so evil and poisonous. Why did my parents have such an evil baby. 

Today I have had an awful day. I'm feeling REALLY low and depressed. I have tried to talk to two people today. The first person couldn't understand my distressed typing so I gave up because I couldn't cope and went offline. She sent me a few nice supportive messages and left me be. Why couldn't I just have a normal conversation.

The second person I told I was dispensible and that it would make no difference to anyone other than my buns if I was not around. She got upset and I told her this is why I shouldn't talk to people because I'm poisonous and evil and hrut people, and then went and signed out. I just singed back on to try and talk to her and got a load of abuse for that. I am so evil, I SHOULDN'T talk to people, or try to be their friend, or help them, or support them or anything, because all I do is hurt them. 

I can't keep hurting people., I'm so sorry to all of those I have hurt, all of those whose lives I have tarnished. I'm just so sorry.


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## NZminilops (Jan 12, 2009)

I am sorry if you thought I was being abusive, as I wasn't, I'm FRUSTRATED because you can't understand that it would affect people very much if you weren't around. I'm sorry if it seemed that I was being abusive. I was in the middle of telling you how much you mean to me when you just give up on the conversation and spew some strange things out and it's really hard to talk to someone when they do that, when they just leave when you're in the middle of saying something.

I just don't understand how you can think you don't matter and trying to convince you otherwise is very hard :?.

YOU ARE NOT EVIL. You and I are both depressed and we probably rubbed eachother up the wrong way massively. I am really sorry Tracy about telling you I care and then being angry when you refused to listen. I am really depressed today and not thinking right.


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## polly (Jan 12, 2009)

Tracy needs a badgey hug well probably a sky hug but I need a badgey hug so seen as I cant you can for me 

Aw Trace I knew today was gonna be hard for you butI am here ya know that but its always better when you get told I know you feel bad (or worse) right now but you have doen so much more than look after your rabbits look at all the things you have taught the RSPCA people, the rabbits you have helped to bond and get good homes. See how many people you have been there for when they have been through tough times or just need a shoulder. sending you huge hugs sweetie


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## TinysMom (Jan 12, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> I don't mind going into it, but is that ok here?


Its your blog.....why not?


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## NZminilops (Jan 12, 2009)

I'm sending you my hugs too and know you've had a terrible day. I honestly didn't set out to upset you and I chose a bad day to get frustrated at you. All my fault, alright? Please know that.

Big hugs for Tracy and lots of smoochy noisy kisses on your cheek .


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## Wabbitdad12 (Jan 12, 2009)

Tracey I just want to know what an encouragement & inspiration you are. I am amazed at all that you have accomplished with the RSPCA. Your actions encouraged me to contact my local Humane Society to volunteer to help with the rabbits they get in.

You matter far more then you know to all critters (four leg and two legged). I enjoy reading your blog and keeping up to date on all the buns. Don't give up, keep pushing forward, never fall back and don't pay for the same real estate twice (hard to explain but your smart enough to get the gist). To borrow from an old, old cigaratte advertisement "You've come along way girl".

Dave


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## Flashy (Jan 12, 2009)

Ok, so this is about today.

A few days ago I posted some anxieties on a different forum. This is what I posted.



> I have the chance for some excellent therapy (DBT at the Priory), and that's an amazing chance and a huge opportunity. I know how huge this is. I have some fears though, some large, some not so large, and I just really need to write them out. Please don't think I'm ungrateful for this chance, I am just petrified, but I'm not going to throw this away.
> 
> ~I'll start with a simple one. I'm scared of the mealtime. It's for 5 hours a day, each week, and I'm scared about the mealtime, specifically the first one because I obviously don't know what will happen. I struggle to eat in front of people, especially at the moment, and when I get anxious I also feel sick. The thought of the unknown mealtime makes me want to cry. I do have an assessment on Monday though, before any therapy is decided, and I will be asking her what happens, which might help.
> 
> ...


Ok, so that was what I posted.

Today I met with a lady for an assessment. She mostly talked and explained about the therapy, I filled in some forms. The forms showed I have moderate anxiety and severe depression.

I took with me a copy of those anxieties ready to give them to her. When she started talking about the therapy it was like my worst nightmare. So much is focused on the self hamr side. I have worked SO hard to move away from that and to get rid of the triggers, and I know fully well that some of the things that will come up are going to trigger me. My self harm is life threatening and I can't afford to go back to that point again. I have 17 bunnies (as you know) and they need me here. Without me, they will be rehomed (or euthanised). I have to be here. Going into this sort of environment is going to be a huge risk. This is my main fear.

I think I put so much hope into this therapy being of use that I thought the worse that could happen would be that it dind't help. Until last week I didn't even entertain the idea that it could make me worse, or take me back to where I was.

The lady was very rushed, and harassed, and definitely not easy to open up to. I did manage to tell her about my food anxiety and how I wasn't going anywhere near the restuarant, but the rest went unmentioned.

She talked about supporting poeple and how if I'm strong enough and can do that then it could help me. My brain warps that into 'you need to support people' and that's what I do. Other than a couple of people from here I hardly support anyone anymore because I just don't have the energy for it (despite some people still demanding it).

I always said I would never do group therapy, but I got so desperate that I fought for it, but with other people I just put on the functional front, I n't open up to people, I just smile and laugh. Ihave no intention of doing otherwise in this group, not through choice, but its a subconscious act that goes on.

The thing starts tomorrow so I don't get any time to properly think about it, I'm just thrown in at the deep end. I haven't been able to talk it through with anyone who knows, and that's what I desperately need. I would talk to my GP but I can't. There is no one. Polly has been ace at listening, but she doesn't really know. I don't even really know, to be fair.

This course is twelve weeks long. Dad said try two or three and see how you feel. I don't want this. The time is definitely not right for me right now. Yes, I may get benefits, or I may get much worse and then get better, but I don't want to risk all the work I have actually already done. I have been told I don't comply with those treating me, but that's actually not true. When you are suffering paranoid delusions and think people are trying to kill you it's a bit hard to comply with those people. If I don't do this, then I stand no chance at anything else. I am not doing this to get better now, it's a means to an end, and its a huge risk for me. Its a huger risk for my rabbits, who stand to lose the world, if this goes wrong.

Then I came home and needed some light entertainment and conversation and that went a**e over t*t. I know I'm really difficult to get on with, and most people don't know how to handle 'borderlines' but that doesnt make people's reactions to how you act any easier. I do the best I can with the attitude I have and the problems I have, but it's just not good enough. 

I have to go tomorrow. My head is all over the place from todays assessment, my head is messed up from the conversation I had earlier. I'm dreading it. I can't cope. I can't do it. I'm sorry.


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## JadeIcing (Jan 12, 2009)

All I can do is send hugs. I did one thing that helped me. I wrote a list when I was doing well of all the good that I do. The people I help. Than I had friends and family add to it. I typed it up and printed a few copies. Than I laminated it and put it in a few places. My door, my journal, my desk etc. So that I saw it more often.

I know it is hard. I know that sometimes it honestly feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Sometimes all you can do is crawl through and hope for the best.

Don't feel afraid of talking to me. I have a brother that can be really bad. Everything you have said that you have said...hes said. Things you have done he has done. I can take it. Tell you what I will dish it right back sometimes. I don't mind being yelled, cursed at. I am not going anywhere. So don't be afraid.


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## Sabine (Jan 13, 2009)

How did it go for you today? Hope those fears weren't confirmed and you managed alright.


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## BlueGiants (Jan 14, 2009)

Thinking of you... :hug:


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## NorthernAutumn (Jan 14, 2009)

How is Tracy today? Any bunny stories? Anything exciting or interesting, out of the norm happen today? 
We're pulling for you over on this side of the world!

I was thinking (and I don't really want to look like I'm sticking my oar in :?, so tell me to stuff it if you like!)...
I don't know how challenging it is for you to open up and have a verbal conversation in the group or individual setting. For me, I bet it would be hard to talk about how I feel. [Nevermind that, I KNOW it is hard to talk about how I feel.]
I think I can interpret how you feel through your writing, as you are a very good writer. Maybe if you give your writings to your professional someones, they would understand your situation better? I think that your writing is very clear and direct, and would maybe be a better way to communicate when you are talking to someone who twists words around, or just doesn't listen well. 

(I went to a therapist once who [I swear] had no listening abilities whatsoever. She would spin everything I said in circles... I hate Freud-wannabes :biggrin2:.) 

I love it that you are so honest with yourself and everyone. Can't say I meet too many ppl with that level of integrity. 

Give everybunny a pat from Canada, K?
:hug: Hugs to you, Tracy

Autumn


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## Flashy (Jan 15, 2009)

*I am very pleased to announce that as of 11am this morning Summer is officially mine :biggrin2: I am very chuffed about this, and it seems like the cheeky madam has managed three days of celebration. 

Foster Gotcha Day- 17th August 08
Failed Foster Owner Day- 8th January 09
Adoption Gotcha Day- 15th January 09

I'm sitting here with a big grin on my face. My girl is mine! FINALLY!

The instant I knew she was mine (I'm going back to 'Failed Foster Owner Day') and there was no risk I would lose her I just flet such a huge rush of love her. I hadn't let myself feel it because I knew that she would be going to someone else. I know she has come here to die, but equally, there is no risk to loving her. They all die, and it's a known event of having an animal. Yes, it will hurt, but I also know that hopefully when that time comes I will feel peace that I did everything right for her (Like how I feel with Sweep). Hopefully though we will have a long and happy time together. 

On a related note Tilly is doing amazingly now. I found a better way to do physio with her and it has meant her head is straighter more of the time. I'm looking to start working her with a ramp soon because the three of them desperately need to get into a hutch/run combo with no where for Roger to hide (currently he hides under and on top of the hutch that has been put in the run, and he works himself up into a panic, in a place where he can't do that, he will be much better).

I spent a lot of this morning playing with 8 week old staffie cross pups (5 of them) and now none of my buns will come near me, so I can tell you all they are doing ok, lol, but nothing more than that. I tried to love on Star and he lept about 50ft in the air, glared at me, and then stamped for England. He is just so much like his dad sometimes it is unbelievable.

I desperately need to get my camera fixed. I can film videos, but I miss the pictures.*


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## BlueGiants (Jan 15, 2009)

We miss the pictures too! LOL! Yeah, playing with pups is a No-NO!Can't keep anything from those buns!:nosirBut I'll bet the pupswere adorable!) :nod


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## Bo B Bunny (Jan 15, 2009)

YAY SUMMER!

Ok, I never thought of the bunnies not liking the smell of a dog!!! 

Bo will bite over the smell of another bunny but hasn't shown any concern over the dog or cats - mine or others. He sniffs me all over when I've been around the horses and goat.


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## Flashy (Jan 15, 2009)

*Some videos of my new girl of the night before, and the morning of, her operation last Thursday (the last two are my mum's first attempt at my Flip, hence the dodgy filming).

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Yes Bo, my buns hate the smell of dog, but we don't have any, so to them it is a foreign and dangerous smell. They react so differently to me when I smell of dog. It's a huge eye opener. I should try and film it sometimes actually.*


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## Sabine (Jan 15, 2009)

I love the little video clips. She is such a beautiful rabbit. I so love broken lops. You're lucky to have her in you life


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## Flashy (Jan 17, 2009)

*I borrowed my mum's camera  And used my Flip too. I brought the fosters... and Summer , into the living room earlier for a run.

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This is how two rabbits share a bag of food (excuse the dodgy camera work).

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Roger having a good, sociable moment, and then being joined by my good friend Summer. As always!

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This was Tilly's physio session. She is doing really well. She stopped her Convenia 11 days ago, so if she is going to start tilting more again, it should be happening from now onwards.

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This is a really bad picture of me but it made me laugh because I look quite evil and like I'm squashing Summer into oblivion (which I'm not, I'm just stroking her).

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*[align=left]*I'm waiting for a couple of videos to upload, so just thought I would write about my new girl.

I'm starting to get the feeling that she was absolutely meant to come to me.

1, The centre thought they had ringworm, so couldn't take any more buns in, which was why they asked me to take her. It turned out two days later it wasn't ringworm, but probbaly a Baytril burn, or similar. She had the tumour then, and I pointed it out to them, they did nothing.

2, When she went for her spay I asked them to remove her tumour, which they didn't put down on the paper, and didn't do. They also checked her teeth. Had she had spurs or had they noted her tumour they would have euthanised her (which I didn't know until recently). They made a botch job of her spay and she was under for a 20 additional mins than she should have been.

3, She had at least 6 weeks worth of post spay complications and we nearly lost her a couple of times. It was at this point I was spending so much time with her I just bonded so completely with her.

4, I showed the RSPCA vet her tumour and she tried to drain it thinking it was a cyst. She acknowledged it was not a cyst, but an abscess or tumour, and sent me on my way. Really, Summer should have been euthanised at this point because she was deemed too unhealthy to adopt.

5, In October she choked on a pellet and we took a very hurried and stressed trip to the vets. By the time we got there she was drowning in her own fluid but had shifted her pellet. They admitted her for the day and she had oxygen and diuretics. We gave her Septrin after to prevent any pneumonia. 

In all those instances she should have died either by herself, or with some veterinary assistance. And she didn't. I feel like it is through fate that she got to me, stayed with me, lived with me and will now die with me. Candyfloss felt like she belonged with me, in my heart, but the universe feels Summer should be with me.

Do you know who else may well have meant to be with me? Roger.

I was driving one day, at dusk, with my grandparents in the car when I saw a small black rabbit sitting with some wild rabbits happily eating grass. Had my grandparents not been with me I would have got out and tried to catch him, but as it was, I couldn't. I didn't know exactly where I was so I couldn't even report him.

A couple of weeks later Roger turns up in the RSPCA, having been a small black rabbit found with wild rabbits and been very comfortable with his life. It was the RSPCA that called me and asked me if I could do anything with him. Basically, if I couldn't he would have been euthanised because he was such a risk to himself and at that point would not have been releasable. He potentially could have been meant for me. In a different, but similar way, from Summer.

Not sure how I ended up with Tilly though, think that was just me :biggrin2:

My videos have now uploaded so I am going to put them into the post.*
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## Sabine (Jan 17, 2009)

Roger has stunning fur. I love those silky blacks. Tilly reminds me of Asha, very cute! (blue are the fosters, right?) Must be hard to let go of fosters after having looked after them and bonded with them...


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## NZminilops (Jan 18, 2009)

The picture of you is funny and nice. You look very young and happy there, squashing Summer to smitherines.

Neat dewlappy colour thing going on here, I like it:


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## Flashy (Jan 18, 2009)

Roger has amazingly shiney fur. He didn't arrive like that. His fur was dull, but he was having a moult at the time. I love looking at him and seeing the shine, it's a sign of a very happy and well bunny, which is great, given the other fosters are not as healthy, lol. And yeh, blue are the fosters 

When it comes to giving up fosters it is bittersweet. I am heavily involved in the rehoming process, so I get to assess potential adopters homes and set ups to make sure that the home is a good home and the person knows enough. That would mean that I have a say in who the rabbits go to. If I know that the rabbits are going to a good home where they can get more than they get here then it's a really positive thing for them to go. Sure, I will miss them, but I remember when Harley went to his new home, I was so happy for him, although I knew I would miss his cheeky attitude. to be honest though, it's very cautious love when you foster a rabbit because you know they won't be with you for the rest of their life and you know that as part of that love you have to know when the right time to let them go is. It's a bit like euthanisation (or maybe anti-euthanisation). If you think that when a rabbit is ill you know you have to let them go for their sake and it doesn't matter how you feel, well its the same with this, I know I have to let them go, for their sake. They get a lot here but they don't get anywhere near as much attention as they deserve, and that is what I will be looking for when they go to a new home; they have to get all they get here, and more, in a new home.


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## Flashy (Jan 19, 2009)

*Summer went back for her check up today.

Roger kindly left her stitches in until Friday, and so she had a nicely healed wound, and only one stitch that needed removing.

My vet thinks her liver damage is related to her tumour because he said the colour of the pigment indicates a melanoma, although we never got it biopsied.

Basically though she is currently doing really well. They can function with liver damage for a fair while, obviously depending on the situation, so she could still have some very happy and healthy months or years ahead of her. We go by her, like we did with Sweep. When she starts to tell us enough is enough, then we call it a day. Until then, we make her happy and give her whatever she wants (within reason, lol).

I feel very priviledged that this beautiful girl is going to live her life out with me.*

*She seems to have become my dad's new best friend, seeking him out, looking for him, demanding nose rubs from him, sleeping in between his feet. Dad loves any animal that responds to him. When Moon died he was gutted but Moon sent us Badger whom is a hilarity amongst rabbits, and dad has 'his boy' Cloud as well, but I think it's really nice for him to have a bun in the living room again (albeit temporarily when she gets her extra feed) and to have found a friend in that bun.*


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## Sabine (Jan 19, 2009)

It's hard to resist an attention seeking bunny and not make them your favourite

I think alot of non bunny folks don't realise what great indoor pets they are. I keep clicking on the names thinking a picture of the bunny should come up:biggrin2:I often have to get back to the start to remember who is who. But then again I often confuse my own kids....


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## Flashy (Jan 19, 2009)

Sorry! I shall take some more pics soon and update things. Not tomorrow, but as soon as I can. I also have to borrow a camera, lol.


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## Sabine (Jan 19, 2009)

I don't know how to do this myself but it would be cool if clicking the name would lead you to a picture of the rabbit. You take great pictures. I never get any decent shots because my camera seems to have a delayed release. The cute moment is usually passed by the time i take the shot and i get the likes of a bunny butt hopping out of the picture:biggrin2: I guess I should learn to anticipate those moments.
I know you probably won't be in the mood tomorrow but I can't wait for more pictures
Hope things go better for you tomorrow than last week. best of luck!


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## Flashy (Jan 20, 2009)

*I'm a bit gutted to say that I think Tilly is tilting more again.*


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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

I haven't updated this for a while. I was pretty scared stuff would get lost in the move, but thankfully it didn't. I have a lot of stuff to update with, but first I'll carry over from the temp forum.

I posted this on there

*I can put this here because I know soon enough it will all be deleted and that would be great. I would normally only stick this stuff in my blog now, but its not going to be permanent up here, so I'm just going to do it anyway.

Don't worry, I don't need anything from anyone, I do just need to vent about stuff.

As some who read my blog may know, I am now doing therapy. And my GOD! IT's a nightmare. I'm not stupid enough to think therapy would be all flowers and rainbows, but, due to the nature of this therapy, it's far worse for me than other types I have tried. It's making me iller. She told me I would need to get worse before I get better, but I think she meant by unearthing stuff, and such, but nothing has been unearthed, just the stress and pressure, and focus, have made my depression infinitely worse than it has been for a long time. I think I must be going back maybe 2 years or so. I am really struggling to get out of bed, do the rabbits, get dressed, blah blah blah. Normally I'm a functional depressive, but right now, my functions are lacking. 

Even though I am in theray I have little to no support still. The group part is just like a lecture, so I do what I do, and keep the smile on my face, and don't tell people what's going on (how can I, it's not like they really actuall care or want to know), I am just 'fine'. Equally, with my individual therapist, we haven't exactly clicked. I don't trust her, or like her, and so far, out of three sessions, we have only completed one (one time I ran out in a panic, and the second time she was apparently ill).

The other problem with the therapy is that it is designed to teach you skills, however, most of these skills I already do, so its like I'm putting myself through all this needlessly. Yes, I do find it helpful being able to understand that I do these things, and separating them off from each other, but I still do them, I don't need to be taught them.

Another part of this is that they want to strip me down (mentally, not just make me naked ) and then 'fix' me, but thats not going to be achievable in the 8 weeks remaining, so I'll probably end up stripped down, then have no support, which seems pointless to me. Yes, I may be ill, but I don't want to make myself iller, just to be cast aside.

Yes, I am very cynical, but if you knew the history I have with these sort of people, you would understand.

Probably only Polly has some sort of inkling how hard it is for me, because she reads what I write after every group session, but everyone else has carried on expecting support from me. I have known for a long time that most people only talk to me when they want something, be it support, advice, etc, and I've been desperately trying to break free from that because I don't want those toxic relationships, yet I can't get away from them. The other side is that it's a vicious cycle. They talk about themselves, so I actually pull back and talk about myself less because I know they do't give a ****, so then they talk about themselves more, and so it goes on. I've been trying to look at my thought processes, and analyse why I do it, and how it happens, and such. I can identify why it happens, but I have yet to work out a way to stop it other than cutting them out, which is a bit extreme. I guess I'm just really struggling with communicating with people in a successful way.

To top it off my buns are not great. Nothing major, just little niggles here and there (spurs, eye infection, 'boy bit infection', Summer's stuff, ridiculous moulting, the bonding issues), and when they wobble, I wobble.

I guess I'm just really struggling, and I have a feeling this turned into a moan, which it wasn't supposed to be, so sorry about that. Sometimes venting just helps, but you can rest assured it will be deleted * 

It's ok if it goes here in my blog, but I am not comfortable with it being a stand alone thread, hence why it was ok to post it when I knew the forum was temporary.

The only reason I have copied this over here is because I need to respond to the final post in that thread, otherwise it will eat me alive.

When I first start talking to people I look at it on a level ground, and from that the road of the relationship I have with that person evolves, like with anyone. 

If someone talks about themselves right from the word get go then I do retreat into myself, therefore they talk about themselves more, etc, which was obviously what I said up there. So yes, I am aware that it is something I encourage, but not encourage in a positive way, just more encourage it by default because by retracting into myself the other person has the opportunity to talk as much as they want. However, like I also said up there, I haven't been able to work out how to break that.

I completely disagree that I threaten to leave if someone doesn't support me. Very rarely do I ask for support from people. In fact, normally only Polly has that delight. The only time I cut people out is if they really hurt me, and I cut people out as a defence. 

What I have found I need from people is understanding. When I know someone is struggling I can see that if they are 'funny' or 'off' or whatever, that it's not something necessarily personal to me, it is something going on for them, and I can detach myself from it. People often don't give me that leeway, and maybe that's the problem. Polly has become an expert at it (unfortunately, but also fortunately), which is probably how our friendship has ended up so strong. When I'm in that mind I can't process anything properly, it might be because I'm psychotic, or delusional, or dissociated, but things don't process normally, and that's what people struggle to see, because normally I appear so balanced and able to cope with others problems and have an accurate awareness about myself.

About a year or so ago on here I absolutely went off the keel at two senior mods, but at the time, to me, it seemed completely rational, but it was with hindsight that I realised what I said was garbage and had to literally beg them for forgiveness because I had behaved so disgustingly to them. Thankfully they were bigger people than me and able to accept my apology. What I was said so out of whack that they probably realised I was not 'right', whereas if what I said had been less odd, they may have just thought I was being a b*tch, and may not have been as nice. We did talk about it after, and I did learn a lot from them, and from that experience, most definitely. That's what I have found is useful, is that when I 'come back' to look at what has been said and then decide if it was rational or nor, and work through it myself, or sometimes, with the other person involved.

Very rarely do I need someone to be able to realise that I may not be myself, and to just step back, but it does happen. Unfortunately, it's a part of every illness on this planet, and people do need allowances/leeway made, be them physical or mental.

Having said all that, I have a 'need' to 'save' people, or as my therapist calls it, 'rescuing' people. That in itself is obviously unhealthy and leads to these problems too. This is something that is being worked on though, and I am much better than I ever was. I can see when it's happening, I can identify the places I do it too.

Having said that, I have also wondered if I hope for too much from people, but part of my problem is that my social skills and interpersonal relationships are very stormy, and so whilst I'm trying to work through it, I'm trying to work out what is 'normal' and what is BPD. I do know that no one should support anyone else, and no one should expect it. I would also hate to be considered a user, so if someone, or something, helps me a great deal, then I like to give back to that person, or place. I guess what I try to do is to treat people in a way that I would like to be treated myself, but obviously I do get that wrong, I'm human, and make mistakes, some pretty bad mistakes too. That's only when I'm myself, when I'm not myself I'm a disgusting, evil 'thing'. And the two are very clear cut from each other.

I also think the internet is a very hard place to get things 'right' because you never fully know what is going on on the other end in someone's lif,e you can easily misinterpret stuff, technology can let us down, and to find a solid and trustworthy friend on the internet is a hard thing to do. Often the internet brings us together with people with similar interests/problems, moreso than we may meet in real life, and that, if the problem is 'wrong' it can lead to unhealthy relationships that wouldn't necessarily occur in real life. In the real world the things that get discussed on the itnernet are not readily or easily discussed a lot of the time, which also leads to different dynamics in relationships.

So in summary, yes, I know I'm at fault in all this and I know it's all my fault, but I am trying my hardest to work on it, I can't do more than that.


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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*Ok, so, Last week mine (minus Summer), ll had the joy of the Myxi vac.

They all went on Wednesday, in two sessions. In the morning I took the outside buns, and in the evening I took the inside buns.

In the morning all did ok. Cloud had his infected little boy bits, which looked repulsive

Everyone else was deemed healthy (just).

These were their weights. They were last weighed in November, so these weights are two months different.

Cloud 1.65kg (up 0.2kg)
Dopey 1 - Pogo 1.4kg (up 0.05)
Dopey 2 - Polo 1.3kg (up 0.15)
Candyfloss 2.85kg (up 0.6!!!!!) 
Lightning 1.5kg (no difference)
Angel 1.55kg (up 0.1)
Dusk 1.55kg (up 0.15)

I knew Candyfloss had got big, but not THAT big. We had to give them (her and Cloud) more food because that was a trigger time for her, but she is now in a VERY strict diet.

In the afternoon, like I said, the insiders went. Hope had an eye infection and had been on Metacam for two days prior to the vacc and I was concerned he wouldn't manage it, but he was allowed it, which was good. Apart from molting like troopers, they were all fine. Or so I thought.

Badger, my poor Badgey boy has spurs. This was not unexpected because of his very flat face, but he has not yet shown any signs, but apparently it is a noticeable spur. He is booked in on Friday 6th Feb for that to be done.

Everyone else was doing ok though.

Here are their weights (again, they were last weighed in November)

Sky 2kg (up 0.25)
Badger 1.7kg (up 0.2)
Star 1.45kg (up 0.5)
Sandy 1.6kg (up 0.1)
Dawn 1.45kg (up 0.15)
Sunny 1.55kg (up 0.15)
Hope 1.4kg (up 0.1)

Other than Candyfloss all the bunnies are still at a healthy weight despite the gain. I find it very interesting though because their lives have not changed much, they still get the same amount of run time (both inners and outers) and they get the same amount of food, so all I can think is that maybe their metabolisms slow down or something because they ALL gained weight.

So, from there to here.
~Hope is still on his eye ointment, but his eye is a million times better. I stopped his Metacam today.
~Badger is on Metacam because he is eating slowly and I want him in tip top for Friday.
~Cloud is on Septrin for his little boy bits because they didn't heal quick enough by themselves. Today is his first day Metacam-less.

On top of that I found half a pinworm in Tilly's poo, so the whole crew are being Panacured, which is a trial in itself.

The Dopeys and Cloud are now in their new permanent residence and made the transition well. I just now need to work out what to do with the rest, in terms of bonding. But I'm not doing anything unti the snow has gone and the weather has warmed a bit.

So that's a practical update, now I just need to get some of the pictures and videos up.  I'll get there.*


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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*Today it's been snowing (as we probably all know). Last time it snowed I let all the bunnies out to play in the snow for a short while (after it stopped snowing).

Today I couldn't do that because it's still snowing, although the Dopeys did decide they were going anyway and seemed to rather enjoy their poddle around. Lightning also had his own little fun by eating some snow that fell in his run. I'd really love to take Summer out on a harness, but given she is a poor, old lady, I know I shouldn't.

But anyway, back to the post. When I let them out last year, one bun over all had a huge amount of fun, and that was Sweep. He had a marvellous time, and I still find it sad he's not about now, and not about to play in this snow. So I just thought I would share his snow pictures from last year. This was shortly because his lump arrived, so was the last set of healthy pictures I got of him.

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## Sabine (Feb 2, 2009)

Ahh I love the pictures of Sweep!!!

As regards your buns weight increase. Not that I can speak from experience but I would expect the bunners to fill out a bit over Winter as a natural protection against the cold. Maybe their metabolism slows down to form a protective layer of fat no matter how much (or little) you give them


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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*As stupid as it sounds, over recent weeks I have realised I miss my bunnies, so I have been making a concerted effort to spend time with them, and to enjoy them while they are here. This means lots of pictures, lol.

Sky

Some of these are a bit random, but I personally love them.

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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*Hoards of Swarms*

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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*Little Lighters*

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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*The Dopeys (the last day as a pair)

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Cloud getting a groom for being grubby

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Cloudyfloss's Swansong.

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The Dopeys and Cloud rebonding

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*
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## Sabine (Feb 2, 2009)

That bonding seemed to have gone really smoothly. Cloud just looks like one of them! How is Candyfloss doing?


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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*Candyfloss is doing ok thanks. She doesn't seem any different other than she is less frantic over her food. I'd really love to find someone for her though. She needs a Roger I think.

The photos continue (can you tell I've been busy, lol).

Starry ArrE*

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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*Badgerboy*

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## Becca (Feb 2, 2009)

Awwh I love the pictures!!!!

Super sweet! xxx


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## Flashy (Feb 2, 2009)

*The Fosterinos (Despite Summer now being mine they have remained as the Fosters).

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[/align]


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## polly (Feb 2, 2009)

gawd trace summer really does have a thing for your dad!! and I love badgey piccies they are fab. All looking happy even with their little niggles :0)


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## Flashy (Feb 4, 2009)

I often post negative stuff here, so I thought it might counteract that with something positive.

I had an individual therapy session today and came out, for the first time, not feeling horrific, but feeling like she actually heard what I said and listened. She has stopped pushing me because she has worked out that that does just push me away. She understands that this is a challenge for me after all my past experiences. She told me that she thinks I am very complicated, more so than other people she has treated (which is a LOT), and she is shooting in the dark, so to speak, because she doesn't quite yet know what to do with me. We talked about what I hope for from the therapy and what my fears were, and basically she gets that my life is like a finely balanced house of cards, and I need to get through this without wobbling or moving any cards, because the whole lot will collapse. I just need therapy to strengthen the foundations and bonds.

I was dreading this one because it's the first one since I bolted out of the room a couple of weeks ago, but she was nice, and for once I didn't feel like I was saying the wrong thing, I just felt ok. That doesn't happen often, so yeh, just wanted to share the positive, because normally I just share the negative, lol.


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## Sabine (Feb 4, 2009)

Tracy, I am so glad! This is a good start. It's good you stuck with it and hopefully more good will come out of it.


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## Flashy (Feb 4, 2009)

Thnks Sabine, hopefully so


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## TinysMom (Feb 4, 2009)

I haven't read blogs in ages and am only popping in for a moment because to be honest - with all that's going on in my life right now - I don't have time for the forum or much desire to be here - other than to reconnect with friends.

I say that to say - reading about how your session went today made me really happy....I'm glad to see that somebody cared enough about you to "get you" (or try to get you) and that you were somewhat helped. You are just a really really special person and I think it is time that people learn to not use a formula type approach or something. 

I'm not saying it right - I'm sorry. 

Anyway - I'm happy your session went well - I love all the pics. I may not be back in the blog until sometime in March or later (I'm clearing my schedule for up to 2 months to take care of mom).

But know that I'll think of you often - pray for you daily - and miss you a lot.


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## BlueGiants (Feb 4, 2009)

:hug: So glad she really listened to you... a very positive step!


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## Flashy (Feb 4, 2009)

Thanks guys  

I do get what you mean Peg, about te formula, and I think people only realise that doesn't work with me, when they try and it backfires, lol. I backfire quite spectacularly 

I hope things go ok for you Peg, If I can do anything ('listening' eye, or whatever), then let me know, ok?

x


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## NorthernAutumn (Feb 5, 2009)

I'm delighted to hear that you have someone working with you, not ON you! About time that they dropped their whole "cookie-cutter" approach...
So pleased that you are seeing this through Tracy!

Badger is such a little dumpling! He can come to Canada any time!
Wish there was someone as talented as you around to bond my buns... Slatey is def. seeking out other animals for company... How did you ever manage all that bonding without some major vet trips for stitches?


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## Flashy (Feb 6, 2009)

*My beautiful Badgeroony is having a dental today. I'm very much doing 'what ifs' today. I hope he comes through ok!*


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## Flashy (Feb 6, 2009)

*NorthernAutumn wrote: *


> Wish there was someone as talented as you around to bond my buns... Slatey is def. seeking out other animals for company... How did you ever manage all that bonding without some major vet trips for stitches?


It's nothing to do with me. If I could claim credit then none of my fixed buns would be alone, it's down purely to the buns. If I tried to do anything with Star, Sky, Badger and probably Sandy we would have blood everywhere. I just no the theory, the buns do the practical side.


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## Sabine (Feb 6, 2009)

Good luckto Badger for today!


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## Flashy (Feb 6, 2009)

*Badger has come round from the GA He is still very dopey and they want to keep him for a few more hours. I have to wait until 5.30 to go and get him. I know my boy and he will wallow and mope, so will look more dopey than he actually is. I'd love to bring him home earlier, but I can't, and I understand that. I just want my baby boy home.

I had terrible feelings that he would die under the GA, so I'm relieved that he got through that, now he just needs to un-mope himself.*


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## Flashy (Feb 6, 2009)

My Guy is home :biggrin2: He is eating and pooing. Good stuffs.


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## Sabine (Feb 6, 2009)

Well done Badger


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## Becca (Feb 7, 2009)

Woop go Badger!!

Glad hes okayy!!


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## Wabbitdad12 (Feb 7, 2009)

I am glad everything went well at your session and Badger is doing well.


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## irishlops (Feb 8, 2009)

i agree


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## Bassetluv (Feb 8, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> *I had terrible feelings that he would die under the GA, so I'm relieved that he got through that, now he just needs to un-mope himself.*


I know, isn't that the scariest feeling? It's such a relief once the surgery is over and you know they're fine...I know that's when I finally relax. 

Yay for Badger coming through it all okay! (And what a handsome boy he is!)


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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

*I have been uploading these gradually over the week because they took AGES!

Here is some of The Dopeys and Cloud bonding.* 

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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

*Here are some of the Fosters.

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*[/align]*
Randomly, here are some of Kitkat, being a bit of a fool.*

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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

*Some random Swarms.*

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[/align]
*Doing some unwrapping.*

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[/align]
*Having a munch.*

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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

*Sky doing some unwrapping and being a pickle.*

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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

*The Fosters and the importance of food (note Tilly's head  ).*

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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

I'm going to post a random update about me. I haven't updated this for a while because I've been super busy. Since I posted my last positive update, unfortunately, things have gone very wayward and I am now currently taking a therapy break (which may be a cowardly way of quitting therapy but not admitting it). 

I'm trying to be as much use as I can around here, but I feel like I'm failing miserably because my brain just won't engage and I feel like I can't actually say anything of any use. So I am sorry, but I am trying.


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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

[align=center]*This is a post for Polly!

















The tunnel has now taken up permanent residence with the Fosters and Roger loves it 
*[/align]


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## polly (Feb 13, 2009)

They all seem to be loving it  glad its proved popular ours love the one we have and we have it stuffed into a igloo at one end which cause them hours of fun


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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

They definitely do love it  Thanks. They seem to get this urge to run around it in circles when I make it into a loop, but yes, they love it


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## Sabine (Feb 13, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> I'm going to post a random update about me. I haven't updated this for a while because I've been super busy. Since I posted my last positive update, unfortunately, things have gone very wayward and I am now currently taking a therapy break (which may be a cowardly way of quitting therapy but not admitting it).
> 
> I'm trying to be as much use as I can around here, but I feel like I'm failing miserably because my brain just won't engage and I feel like I can't actually say anything of any use. So I am sorry, but I am trying.


Gee, I am sorry to hear that. I was going to ask if the last individual session was as positive as the one before (it's thursdays isn't it?) but than I realised you hadn't posted at all since. Why did things turn around. are yu taking a break from the lot or just the group therapy?


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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

Unfortunately I got in my own way, isn't it just great when that happens. Part of the symptom of one of my problems is issues with attachment, rejection and abandonment. I know that no one likes rejection or anything, or being abandoned, but this is serious life affecting stuff. It's basically all to do with that. I called today and cancelled next weeks therapy, and so I won't have to deal with the individual therapy for a few weeks (because my therapist is off). Not sure yet what to do about group. To be honest, as contradictory as it sounds, I feel like I'm 100% fine and don't need the therapy. Last week she said I was a bag of contradictions, so it's not surprising to me that I am saying two different things that give the same outcome, but are total opposites.

To be honest, I'm just really messed up right now. I'm trying my hardest to keep everything ok and appear ok, but I'm not actually succeeding at that, and something had to go. Knowing I don't have to do it has taken off a lot of pressure, so it was the right thing to do. Not sure what will happen next, but my moods swing a lot, so I'm just taking each moment as it comes.


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## Sabine (Feb 13, 2009)

It may not be the right therapy for you annyhow and it may be good to have a break and reflect on hings.
the only thing to be said for staying in a therapy setting that mightn't be working is to find out what could work. i don't know if that makes sense.


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## Flashy (Feb 13, 2009)

I think if I need help, this will do it, and if it won't they will point me in the direction of what will, and my therapist has already said she will try and get funding for me to see her for more weeks than is already allocated. So presumably she thinks something is wrong?

I have had to take a break because of how messed my head is, but I also know that I need to work through that stuff in therapy, but I can't. I'm so confused. You wouldn't believe how very confused I am.


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## Sabine (Feb 13, 2009)

That's so very odd, because here on the forum you come across so together and usually just manage to get right to the point...


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## Flashy (Feb 14, 2009)

Are you saying you think I'm lying?


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## Sabine (Feb 14, 2009)

That's not what I meant at all!!!! I was just confirming that you are a very complex person. I am sorry if my post came across wrong. I just meant to say your confusion doesn't come across in your posts on the forum. I meant it in a positive way


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## Flashy (Feb 14, 2009)

It's ok, I probably am a liar. After all, if there was something wrong, it would be far more evident. I think I'm just lazy, personally, and need to stop wasting people's time and get off my butt and find a job.


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## Sabine (Feb 14, 2009)

I am really sorry. I didn't mean to offend at all. I was trying to say something encouraging but clearly got it wrong. Well, I think you're doing a great job here at the forum.


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## Flashy (Feb 14, 2009)

You haven't said or done anything wrong, really  So no need to apologise.


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## Sabine (Feb 14, 2009)

Even so, I just wanted you to know that with my comment I didn't mean to invalidate anything you are going through


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## Flashy (Feb 14, 2009)

You haven't, not in anyway. Plenty of people talk about how they don't see it, and I do know that if there was a problem people would see it. I present as ok, so therefore I am. 

On a side note, and I meant to write this in the buns update the other day, but this is the first time since probably early September that I have had no vets appointments booked. It's a bit disconcerting, lol. And also, all the buns that had their VHD vacc on Thursday seem to be fine


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## Sabine (Feb 14, 2009)

Great. Long may it continue (bun's health)


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## Wabbitdad12 (Feb 14, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> On a side note, and I meant to write this in the buns update the other day, but this is the first time since probably early September that I have had no vets appointments booked. It's a bit disconcerting, lol. And also, all the buns that had their VHD vacc on Thursday seem to be fine


Thats great news! May the streak continue with no vet visits!


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## Flashy (Feb 15, 2009)

*I had my own personal panic today. I have seen some bugs under one of the water bowls. Only under that bowl, in that place, and when I see them, I kill them. Today I came across something and it made me wonder, and then panic, if they were lice. I went and checked the dark furred buns and could see no evidence of any lice or anything at all. The furs that I checked all looked healthy and goo. No signs of problems. HOPEFULLY nothing will arise, but I'll sort out the bugs and the bowl, and hope they WEREN'T lice! If they were, they can only have come in on the hay, or on me after being near a rescue bun.

Not a good panic, but hopefully a needless one.*


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## Sabine (Feb 15, 2009)

Are rabbit lice the same as human hair lice?


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## Flashy (Feb 15, 2009)

I don't think so, but I don't know much about them.


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## Sabine (Feb 15, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> I don't think so, but I don't know much about them.


I do unfortunately If they are in anyway like human headlice they are miniscule and usually wouldn't leave the scalp but of course that may be different for animal parasites. I hope they were just any old bugs...


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## Flashy (Feb 15, 2009)

I know about head lice, but I don't know about rabbit lice. For example, I believe head lice live only on the human head, whereas other lice live in other places. So what I don't know is if the rabbit lice are specifically only 'for' rabbits, or if they can inhabit other places/animals, etc.

From all I have read about rabbit lice you can easily see the white egg cases in dark haired bunnies. Also my buns are not scratching or anything like that. If they are lice they are lice and will be treated, but I haven't seen any evidence on them.


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## Sabine (Feb 15, 2009)

"Rabbit lice (Haemodipsus ventricosus) are rarely found on domestic rabbits, but can be occasionally found in their wild
counterparts. They are quite large and at 1.5 - 2 mm in length easily seen with the naked eye."

Yikes, they do sound like a rather different species


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## Flashy (Feb 15, 2009)

Yeh, I've done some reading, but it didn't tell me that much.


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## Sabine (Feb 15, 2009)

I just googled the latin name and it appears to be a specific rabbit louse


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## Flashy (Feb 15, 2009)

lol I just did exactly the same thing.


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## Sabine (Feb 15, 2009)

Haha! Great minds....:biggrin2:


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## Flashy (Feb 15, 2009)

I m so fed up! I am so very fed yup/. I'm fed up of having to deal with this. I;m fed up of having to constantly battle wiht my head. I'm fed up of life being hard. I'm having a flkaming anxiety attack about gorup therapy. the prospect of going, whether i might kill someone with my poison and evil, whethersomeone might kill me. i dont know what to do! What do I do! I don't know anymore. What's real. whats not? who can i turn to? who can't I. I don't know anymore. I don't know whaty to do. I'm so scarewd. and yes, this is a horrible moany vent, but i really am just so lost. ill probably delete this at some point.


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## NZminilops (Feb 15, 2009)

I hope you don't have me on ignore.

Phhoooooooo <--- that's you, taking in a deep breath, and letting it out again.

Focus on what's solid and real.

Your name, where you live. You parents. Your bunnies. Any siblings. Your support people. Talk to Polly if she's available. Look around you, in your bedroom etc. Look at each object, name it and it's function. Not sure if this will help but it helps me when I get one.

No one wants to kill you anymore than you want to kill them. We are all in our own heads, being self-focused. Really people are all VERY self centred and the people around you, especially strangers, are NOT concerned with you, they are worrying about their own lives and issues.

I hope you can get through this ray:.


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## Flashy (Feb 16, 2009)

Thanks for the reply. No, I haven't got you on ignore, and for your interest I never blocked or ignored you anywhere.

After a rough night last night I called my therapist this morning and told her everything, and she talked to me about it for a bit, because it's all related to the group therapy. She undertsood where it was coming from and why I feel that way, which helped.


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## irishlops (Feb 16, 2009)

awh hugs !!!
i hope you get the help, support, love and bunny kisses you need.
were hear for you/(RO)


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## Flashy (Feb 22, 2009)

*This is adult! And more importantly, female!*
























I'm announcing this on here so that I have some people to be accountable too.

Given the whole Jade Goody situation I've decided I am going to rebook my smear. 

They have been trying to do it for a while. The first time it was impossible because of my gynae problems and the sheer amount of pain it gives me. The next time I had it booked with a doc, for 40 mins, and a nurse too, but my period came that day (for the first time in two and a half years, would you believe!). That was in August.

I need some more sleeping tablets anyway, so when I go and see my GP, I can get 
him to rebook it. Hopefully I will do that tomorrow. Eep. Bring on the pain! :|


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## Becca (Feb 22, 2009)

Ohh :|

Good Luck Tracy, seriously you shall be fine  

Try not to worry about it, or even think about it until you are actually there. Because otherwise there will be a big build up of worry/fright over something that doesn't last very long at all!!

Good Luck 

Becca x


ETA: Also good choice of getting it done, better be safe than sorry


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## Flashy (Feb 22, 2009)

Those are wise words Becca, however you're not supposed to have read it  Given you are not an adult.

To be honest, I'm not actually worried about it, although I will be come the day, it's just something I could very easily put off, but I will go and book it and sort it out. There is a high chance they won't be able to do it, but if not, it's one step further I have gone (the next is hospital, lol).


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## NorthernAutumn (Feb 22, 2009)

^^^ Yeah, that! 

BTW, I just wanted to tell you how much your new quote resonates with me... 
_'The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right._'

It is something that I have to master... thanks for the succinct quote


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## Flashy (Feb 22, 2009)

That's a constant reminder for me, which is why I put it there, but it's good it made someone else think 

And thanks


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## Becca (Feb 22, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> Those are wise words Becca, however you're not supposed to have read it  Given you are not an adult.




Sorry, hehe!

And wow, its not very often my words are wise :blushan:


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## Sabine (Feb 22, 2009)

Love the quote too. Will try and keep it in the back of my mind

On the smear test isn't there some muscle relaxent or something that can be done to make the whole experience less painful. I can imagine expecting pain in such a sensitive area can make it impossible to relax.


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## Flashy (Feb 23, 2009)

I've booked it. Next Wednesday, first thing in the morning.


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## Sabine (Feb 23, 2009)

Well done for making the appointment!


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## Becca (Feb 23, 2009)

Well done Tracy,Will be thinking of you next Wednesday

xx


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## Wabbitdad12 (Feb 23, 2009)

Don't forget besides all the 2 legged supporters you have you've got 17 furry ones too! You are doing great!


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## Sabine (Feb 23, 2009)

*Wabbitdad12 wrote: *


> Don't forget besides all the 2 legged supporters you have you've got 17 furry ones too! You are doing great!


And that's 68 paws keeping their claws crossed that it will go alright


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## Flashy (Feb 23, 2009)

*sniggers* That's a lot of legs!


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## Sabine (Feb 23, 2009)

It just occured to me 340 toenails to cut (I needed a calculater) How do you do it:shock:


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## Flashy (Feb 23, 2009)

340? REALLY? wait. 17 bunnies. 5 on each front foot, which is 10 on the front paws, so 170 front nails. Four on each of the back feet, so 8 over all, so 136. So that's 306 toenails. Ok, so still a lot, lol. I never realised it was so many. It doesn't take me long to do them, they are all pretty good really. Probably takes maybe 30-45 mins to do them all. Fast clipping


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## irishlops (Feb 23, 2009)

(i did not read it.....):whistling
i dont know what to say, but good luck!!!!!


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## Sabine (Feb 23, 2009)

Oh I didn't know they had only four on their back feet. I always thought there was one hidden somewhere


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## Flashy (Feb 23, 2009)

There better not be!


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## Sabine (Feb 23, 2009)

I'll go and count each bunny's toes when I get home:biggrin2:


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## TinysMom (Mar 6, 2009)

Just checking in and bumping this blog while I say "hi"...


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## irishlops (Mar 8, 2009)

same^^^


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## Becca (Mar 8, 2009)

*Becca wrote: *


> Well done Tracy,Will be thinking of you next Wednesday
> 
> xx


Already said this on facebook & MSN but:

Glad it went good  Well done you *mini celebration dance*


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## Flashy (Mar 12, 2009)

[align=center]






*Happy Birthday Mr Flash.*
[/align]


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## Flashy (Mar 12, 2009)

*Four years ago today, someone came into this world and completely changed my life. That someone, of course, is my beautiful boy, **Flash.

His proud parents

**Truffles

*[align=center]*




*[/align]*
And Storm

*[align=center]*




*[/align]*
had three kits. My Flash, his sister Rayne, and a black brother who went to live with a family in London. This is Flash and Rayne at five weeks old.

*[align=center]*




*[/align]*
He was mine from three weeks old, and we never looked back.

*[align=center]*




*[/align]*
I hate today, and I probably will do until we get to a point where he shouldn't be alive, because right now he SHOULD be alive. He should be Alpha Buck here at Flash's Place.*

*I tried to light a candle for him today, but that wasn't happening, the wind was far too strong. All that happened was I tried to use four matches at once and burnt my thumb. Oops.

I did, however, give all the buns extra treats today. They all had more than normal, mostly banana, but for those that can't have banana, they had apple or pear.

*[align=center]*'Everywhere I am There You'll Be'*
[/align]


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## Flashy (Mar 12, 2009)

I haven't updated this recently, but I had to post here today, so I might as well update (although no photos).

All the bunnies here seem to be doing well.

*Candyfloss is shifting her weight, Summer is maintaining (although that is a struggle), Roger is now waiting for food and for me and comes out for strokes. The Dopeys and Cloud are all loved up. The only minorly negative thing at the moment is that Dawn has an eye infection, but if that's as bad as it gets, then I can handle that. Also, dare I say it, but today it's the longest time we have not been to the vets since Sweep was diagnosed with his lump (which was early April last year). Even if we have to go tomorrow, we have still made it longer!*

In terms of me, things are not great. In fact, things are awful, lol. I'm doing my best to hang in there, but my GP started talking about getting me sectioned yesterday (sectioned being an involuntary admission into hospital), and whilst I'm currently not sectionable, that may change, and he will be basically constantly assessing me to see whether or not I need it. I've not been around much because stuff has been so hard, but I'm doing my best to help as and when I can.

On a side note, I have figured out I have a dairy intolerance (which is probably really a lactose intolerance), which means that my stomach is finally acting better than it has for a while. So that's good!


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## polly (Mar 12, 2009)

FIrst off Happy Birthday flash 

Trace am glad you have figured out what is bugging your stomach  makes life a lot easier!

Hugs for you


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## Sabine (Mar 12, 2009)

Thanks for sharing those pictures. |I meant to post earlier when I saw the four candles. I didn't realize he was only born 4 years ago.
What an adorable baby bun. And what beautiful parents (I do have a weakness for black brokens with butterfly markings) I know you said he was your world - I can't even imagine how much you must miss him.


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## Becca (Mar 12, 2009)

Happy Birthday Flash, even though you are not here with your mummy you are looking down on her, protecting her and looking after her 

Like Polly said Trace,glad you found out what was bugging your stomouch - (okay hold on how do you spell that ??) Okay wait stomach  Got it,


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## Flashy (Mar 14, 2009)

*Two years ago tomorrow my Baby Moon died. She died completely due to my ignorance, and easily could have lived on had I known what I was doing. Yes, that means I killed her, I know that, and I pay for it every day.

I'm not sure where I'll be at tomorrow but she definitely deserves her own post and tribute, so here is the life of my beautiful Moon.*

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[/align]

[align=center]*Binky Free Moomin.

06-10-2005 - 15-03-2007
*[/align]
[align=right]I'm so sorry.

x
[/align]


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## Sabine (Mar 14, 2009)

Oh I love those pictures. i so regret having not taken more of Magic&Miracle when they were younger. They had the same synchronicity. Who is Moon's sibling?
I am sorry about Moon. Was that the spay that went wrong?


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## Flashy (Mar 14, 2009)

Her brother is my absolutely beautiful Sky.

No, it wasn't a spay. I can't talk about it right now though, sorry. Maybe one day.


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## Sabine (Mar 14, 2009)

Oh sorry didn't mean to pry. i actually just went through your avatar and recognised it was sky. What beautiful bunnies!


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## Flashy (Mar 14, 2009)

*Here's the family.

Moon is on the left, Sky next to her. Mummy Boof is next, and then Daddy Flash.*

[align=center]









[/align]


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## Flashy (Mar 14, 2009)

No, you didn't pry, don't worry. I've talked about it on here before, but right now I'm teetering on the edge and I can't bear to think back to all of that. Sorry.


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## Sabine (Mar 14, 2009)

Wow, amazing they have those strong beautiful markings. I would have thought mommy was a broken too.


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## polly (Mar 16, 2009)

aw trace I dont think I have seen the pics of the family of four how beautiful are they  what a lovely memory to have 

Binky free Moon


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## Mai_Roberts (Mar 17, 2009)

awh im so sorry hun.
Binky Free Moon. xxx


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## Flashy (Mar 17, 2009)

I just want to put this here. I am not physically very well right now, and this has been caused by my mental health. Today my therapists have basically told me that I have to go and get myself sorted out or else they will see about sectioning me and sorting me out themselves. Being 'sorted' most likely means being admitted into hospital for hopefully only a short amount of time (but I have to go through my GP and have to pluck up my courage for that, so this is not an immediate thing). I haven't been about much, but have checked in, but if I'm not about, that's why. My buns will be well looked after if I'm in hospital, so that's not a concern or anything.


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## Sabine (Mar 17, 2009)

I am really sorry you are having a tough time again and hope you pull through it alright with or without the hospital. Shame that's the best a therapist can offer...


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## Flashy (Mar 17, 2009)

No, they've been REALLY good. I can't emphasis how supportive of me they have been, but we are potentially getting to a place where I could be very seriously ill if nothing is done and obviously they have to know when to intervene. The severity of it will be determined by my GP and the appropriate tests. It may not be as bad as they fear (I'm not sure it will), but equally it might be because I was very wrong about this in the past.

My therapist has helped me more than anyone else in the world has helped me. She's spoken to me and calmed me down when I've been psychotic, she has been essentiqally the calm in my storm, but really, they can't do much when my body is getting so frail and struggling so much. My therapist has been the first person ever to actually try and work with me and around my problems. If anyone can actually help me get better, then she can. I've been a complete challenge to her, but she's really stuck by me.


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## Sabine (Mar 17, 2009)

That's brilliant to hear your therapist is so supportive. I hope if you do have to go in you get the best care possible and come out healthier.


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## Numbat (Mar 18, 2009)

Sorry to hear that. Hope you feel better soon :hug2:

Binky free gorgeous Moon ink iris:


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## Wabbitdad12 (Mar 18, 2009)

At least you have a therapist that cares and really wants to help you. 

I hope things can get sorted out in short order. You deserve to be well.

Dave


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## Flashy (Mar 19, 2009)

Thanks for the support guys  My Docs appointment is on Monday so that's D-Day. Until then I just carry on doing what I'm doing, which is effectively rabbits, and sleep, lol.


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## Becca (Mar 19, 2009)

Good luck for Monday, just carry on doing what you love (the rabbits) and you'll be fine till then


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## Flashy (Mar 19, 2009)

*Today is Sandy's second Gotcha Day. It is on the calendar but was not mentioned on RO Today and she deserves a big mention, so here are some pics of her.

This was Sandy's second day with us. She was so happy. She was doing DBF everywhere and looking completely at home.

*[align=center]*














*[/align]*
Here are some from her first year with us.

*[align=center]*















































































*[/align]*

Sandy did also, of course, give us a huge (actually a HUGE) gift, and I will always be indebted to her for that.

*[align=center]*



*
[/align]


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## Wabbitdad12 (Mar 19, 2009)

Happy Gotcha day Sandy!arty:


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## Flashy (Mar 22, 2009)

im orry. im going to vent here. im really terrified about whats happening to me. really really scared. my body is showing signs of giving up. my heart and chest are painful. i get breatless. my body is weak, shakey, im tired all the time. im just absolutely petrified. yes, im to blame for this. its something my therapist calls voice command hallucinations and they are maing my life a nightmare. i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and im petrified. he might suggest hospital, he might want a blodo test which will show i need hospital. im so desperate for it to all go away, for all my levels and everything to be completely normal and ok. i know they are not, but i want to be able to makre them ok without being in hiospital. im not sure i can though. im so so scared. i dont want my heart to fail. i dont want a heart attack. i just want it to stop. im sorry.


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## Sabine (Mar 22, 2009)

I really wish there was something I could do or say to make it go away. I hope whatever happens tomorrow will be at least a little step on the way to getting better.
Will be thinking of you x


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## Sabine (Mar 23, 2009)

Hope today wasn't as tough as you feared


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## irishbunny (Mar 23, 2009)

OMG Sandy is like Misty's identical twin! :shock:

I'm so sorry you are going through all that horrible stuff It sounds awful, I really hope they can do something to help you or make you more comfortable. When your on here you seem like such a happy and together person.


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## Mai_Roberts (Mar 24, 2009)

I hope you are ok hun x x x x
I hope your feel alot better soon. I wish i could help, i really do  xx


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## Flashy (Mar 24, 2009)

i just wanted to say that im really sorry for my last entry. i was VERY scared that night because my heart was hurting so much. 

i did go to the docs yesterday. he said that either i am not as bad as i 'could be' or my body is compensating well (which is what happened last time). i have my tests this week and i just have to hope against hope that things are not as bad as they could be because i still have the stupid sectioning hanging over my head.

on the other hand i have had a really rough day at therapy today, but my therapist has been excellent and helped me through it despite me scaring her at one point when i lost time and zoned out in front of her. I've never done that before in front of her, but maybe its a good thing it happened.

*My buns all seem fine. We are finally fighting Dawn's eye infection and that's gone now. Star has jumped on that bandwagon though and we are now treating him too.*

I'm sorry I've been rubbishy around here recently, I really just can't. Sorry.


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## Sabine (Mar 24, 2009)

Hey, there's no need to say sorry. You are usually the one to help everybody so why should people not want to listen if you're feeling rough. Glad you got through that hospital visit alright.


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## penguinsrxcore (Mar 25, 2009)

Wow I just spent an hour reading all that! It was so interesting! And I think I have a handful with just my Pepper!!


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## Flashy (Mar 25, 2009)

Wow, that's impressive. Yeh, they are a handful, but equally my Flash when he was my only bunny was a complete handful too.

And thanks Sabine  That appointment wasn't actually at the hospital. Tomorrow is the day. 

I need to get Badger's Gotcha day pics up on here.


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## Sabine (Mar 25, 2009)

Oh, I got that wrong. Keep my fingers crossed for tomorrow then x


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## Flashy (Mar 25, 2009)

Sorry, I;m really rubbish at communicating right now, lol. My blood test is in the morning. If I need hospital I should know by tomorrow night. If I don't need hospital then they won't give me the results as an emergency. Fingers crossed for no results


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## Ninchen (Mar 25, 2009)

Fingers and ears crossed!


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## Sabine (Mar 25, 2009)

And all bunny toes crossed


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## Flashy (Mar 26, 2009)

No phone call. So things are fine. Sorry for mentioning about it originally. Just wanted to post things were fine, and that I'm probably not going to be around much still right now. Sorry, and thanks for the support.


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## Sabine (Mar 26, 2009)

I'm glad to hear that. Is there going to be a follow up?


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## BlueGiants (Mar 29, 2009)

:hug: Thinking of you.... and praying things get better for you. ray: Real soon...


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## Flashy (Apr 1, 2009)

Thanks guys 

I can tell you a bit more about it now that I know where I am.

The problem is my blood levels. The worry was that I was severely anaemic. At my age my blood level should be 13.5. Anything under 11.5 would be considered anaemic, I would need a tranfusion for anything under 7 and anything under 5 could kill me. I have been down to both 4.1 and 3.4 before and my panic was that I would be down there again. I wasn't though. My blood level came back today and it's 8.9. Which puts me at anaemic, but not severely anaemic, and as far as I'm concerned 8.9 is fine. I'm not at risk of heart attack or stroke or death.

I have now finished my therapy. We had to do diagnostic tests at the start, and at the end, and the ones I did at the end put me as more depressed and more anxious than I was when I started. So basicsally the whole therapy was a fail and a waste of time and I'd have been better off not doing it. I'm not happy and actually it's completely demoralised me because I was really trying. This was also my last shot at help, so that's it. My individual therapist is trying to get me to continue with her, but there is a condition, and I can't meet that, so that's looking unlikely too. A big fat fail!

My buns all seem to be doing well and loving the wamr weather. We've had a couple of eye infections, but they are sorting themselves now. It's looking increasingly like my fosters will not remain my fosters but will become permanent residents. I'm also starting to look at different bonding options for the summer, and hopefully some of that will start soon. So my buns are actually all very positive 

The reason my fosters might become mine is because I'm thinking very hard about whether or not to jack in the RSPCA, and if I do, they will become mine. I just have to run their 'Make Mine Chocolate' campaign before I can do anything. (If anyone reads this who has had buns from the RSPCA, then I will always be happy to help if you need it).

Thanks for the support guys. Sorry I haven't/can't be around.

x


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## BlueGiants (Apr 1, 2009)

Really glad to hear everything is so good with the Bunnies! :hug:to you... Hope you can find a better place...


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## polly (Apr 1, 2009)

Glad you bloods came back higher than expected  and chuffed that the eyes are clearing up too what did they give you in the end of did you just persevere with the fucci??
xx


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## Wabbitdad12 (Apr 1, 2009)

Glad to see ya back! 

Sorry about the therapy though.

I am glad the buns eyes are sorting themselves out though, thats good to here.

Hang in there!


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## Flashy (Apr 3, 2009)

I was going to post this in its own thread, but I think people will have a go at me, so I'll put it here knowing less people look.

People are VERY frustrating!

I've been educating someone I know about rabbit care, spaying, neutering, bonding, size of accomm, etc. I talked about the differences between rescue buns, pet shop buns, etc. Today, I find out she has gone to a pet shop and bought two baby rabbits, gender unknown (apparently they are too young at 8 weeks to be able to sex) and she doesn't yet have accommodation. She has a temp inside cage for her guineas, and she does not know the size of the accomm she is getting.

I don't doubt these buns will have a lovely life with her, but I'm just frustrated that nothing I said seemed to go in. ESPECIALLY as I'm running the 'Make Mine Chocolate' Campaign in my area and these may well have been bought on impulse.

We have SO many rabbits in need of homes here (that come fixed, bonded, vaccinated, etc) and we have so many decent reputable breeders if you want a baby, but no, she goes a clearly unrabbit savvy pet shop.

Sorry, I'm just really disappointed in her decision.


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## irishlops (Apr 3, 2009)

i wpould be disssaponted as well.


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## Sabine (Apr 3, 2009)

I know exactly how you feel. Did this person tell you why after all the information she had she still ended up buying pet shop baby bunnies. Especially since you have so many rescues available that have the most adorable bunnies looking for new homes....


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## Flashy (Apr 3, 2009)

Nope, she got angry. I told her congratulations and that they would have a lovely life and stuff, but I also gave her my real opinion too. She won't talk to me now. Probbaly a good thing because I'm sitting here simmering, lol.

She did tell me that she knew I wouldn't be impressed when she told me, but that she still wanted to tell me.


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## Sabine (Apr 3, 2009)

It's hard not to care what people do when you invest a lot of energy trying to teach them the right thing.
Was it maybe the baby bunny thing, that she really wanted a very young bunny... but then again reputable breeders probably wouldn't charge much more than a pet shop. Hope she does right by the bunnies.


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## Flashy (Apr 3, 2009)

I think she will do right by the bunnies, I think her impulsivisity got the better of her, and all the info she knew went out her ear. 

It makes me sad, to be honest.


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## Sabine (Apr 3, 2009)

You never know the big picture though. She still has all the knowledge you gave her and she probably realizes that this was done on impulse and not necessarily the right thing. But these two rabbits may give her so much joy that she may end up adopting another pair from a shelter and another giving them fabulous homes. A lot of things happen for a reason. She may set things right at a later stage...


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## Flashy (Apr 3, 2009)

No, you're right, no one knows what the future holds and what might come from this.


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## polly (Apr 3, 2009)

aw hon it makes you want to tear your hair out doesnt it
 I hope she takes care of them but ys just dont know bet I know who she will come crying to when it all goes wrong tho!! and aint that typical!!!


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## Flashy (Apr 3, 2009)

Ha ha, yeh, you're not wrong. when she has babies, or if the buns fight, guess who will picm up the pieces. Or rather, who will be expected to pick up the pieces and set her straight again.

I guess I just have to REALLY read my sig over and over and over again and find a way to not care what she does with them because I have done all I can.


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## Wabbitdad12 (Apr 3, 2009)

When you love bunny's like you do, its hard not to care what happens to the bunny's.


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## Sabine (Apr 3, 2009)

I guess it's impossible not to care but the trick is to find a way not to let it get you down and feel defeated.


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## Flashy (Apr 3, 2009)

It's ok, it's sorted, lol. I won't be hearing from her, or about her buns. I hope they do ok. I've given her the tools to be a good owner, but I'm not having anything to do with her anymore. Things have been tense for weeks, sh'es been using me for ridiculous amounts of support, and now I'm done. Yes, call me pathetic, I don't care, but it's what I do. When someone gets too much, they go. It's only because I'm evil an poisnous and they are all better off without me.


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## irishlops (Apr 3, 2009)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me !
so if she comes set her straight!"


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## Sabine (Apr 3, 2009)

Wouldn't call it pathetic. It's a perfectly reasonable response in a way. You did your bit and maybe there is nothing more to offer. No reason to feel bad about it!


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## TinysMom (Apr 5, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> Sorry, I'm just really disappointed in her decision.


Oh wow - I can understand why you would be sad by her decision.

Its hard when you invest time into a relationship with someone and try to help them understand things that you think they want to know about - then they turn around and totally do the opposite thing.

For me - it almost feels like a slap in the face.

I hope the bunnies do ok....but I also hope she learns her lesson somehow to listen to others.


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## Wabbitdad12 (Apr 6, 2009)

*Flashy wrote: *


> It's only because I'm evil an poisnous and they are all better off without me.


*No you are not!It is her loss! You are a very caring person and I am glad to call you my friend.*


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## Wabbitdad12 (Apr 26, 2009)

Hey Tracey, how are things going? How are all the bunny's?


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## Flashy (May 7, 2009)

[align=center]*My Shining Lights*

[flash=425,344]http://www.youtube.com/v/qyowLYYQnQs&hl=en&fs=1[/flash]
[/align]


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## SOOOSKA (May 7, 2009)

Tracey what a Beautiful video of very Beautiful Bunnies.

I just love your Dopeys.

Susan 

PS

Who sings thet song, very nice.


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## Flashy (May 7, 2009)

Thanks  

The song is 'Shining Light' by Annie Lennox.


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## TinysMom (May 7, 2009)

WOW - you have such a gift with making videos with animals....I LOVE the video you made!


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## Flashy (May 7, 2009)

Thanks Peg  I enjoy making them. They are a great distracion


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## Wabbitdad12 (May 7, 2009)

Excellent video! I wish I hadyour creativity! Wonderful pics of your bunny's.


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## NorthernAutumn (May 28, 2009)

Hey Tracy!
I was thinking about you today... and the Dopeys.

I thought about the Dopeys, and their stories, and it occured to me how funny it would be to get to call a white pair of rabbits the Dopeys.

I probably giggled for a good 10 minutes or so...

See, you brighten my day without lifting a finger!
:hug:


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## Flashy (May 28, 2009)

Glad to be of service 

The Dopeys are a comical pair though, they really are. They were both spayed last year but right now Dopey 1 is having a MEGA phantom pregnancy. Her nipples are HUGE!

Thanks for keeping prodding at me Autumn, it's been really appreciated thanks


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## irishlops (Jun 10, 2009)

awh. hope dopey 1 feels more non hyped up homonal bunny ..
hope you are well. 
xoxoxo


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## Flashy (Jun 21, 2009)

And so it starts.

We lost Summer yesterday. Today, Dusk is off his food and failed the treat test. I suspect it's his spurs. Last time he had a veyr long recovery and struggled a great deal. This is not good. Back to the vets tomorrow.


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## Sabine (Jun 21, 2009)

I am so sorry you lost Summer. I hope Dusk will be fine. My heart goes out to you.


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## wabbitmom12 (Jun 21, 2009)

Sorry Summer passed away.


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## Wabbitdad12 (Jun 21, 2009)

*wabbitmom12 wrote: *


> Sorry Summer passed away.


Me too.


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## Flashy (Aug 28, 2009)

This is my 8000 post and so for that post I thought I might just say
[align=center]*I
LOVE
MY
BUNNIES!
*[align=left]*
I may not post about them much anymore but they are still the most important things on this planet, in my eyes*.
[/align][/align]


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## peppa and georgie (Aug 28, 2009)

Yay xxx Hope they are all happy and well at the moment xxx
Bunny kisses to them all xxx


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## Flashy (Aug 29, 2009)

So, there is nothing like a change to bring about an update.

So here we go.
*
Candyfloss and Dusk are now fully bonded, and have been for a month, which is great. I'm really hoping she doesn't divorce him because they really seem to love each other.

We have also renovated our big run/enclosure, and this pair have moved in there. My dad did an awesome job of putting paving slabs down and all sorts, and it really suits them. They are very happy there which is ace.

Angel has his first round of spurs, and is due his dental on Wednesday. Unfortunately, Angel was my main hope for further Flash and Sky-lets, but now, because of these issues, I can't breed from him, and that means that he needs to be neutered, however much it breaks my heart to do this. He will be neutered on Wednesday too, provided he is in ok condition and not suffering spurs backlash.

Related to this, Lightning also needs to be neutered, which means I do have to say good-bye to Flash. He won't be being neutered yet though because of finances and no particular need.

Guess they will have to find some friends once fixed-we shall see.

The Dopeys and Cloud are poddling on as the Dopeys and Cloud do.

Tilly and Roger are also doing brilliantly. They have come together a lot since Summer died. Tilly has jumped out of her shell. My mum has been doing these ones a lot and seems incredibly fond of Tilly and her quirky nature.

With the bonding and the moving of Candyfloss and Dusk, we have found ourselves with an empty hutch/run combo outside. So I moved The Swarming out. They previously lived in my room, but by moving them out I have been able to give most of the buns a lot more space.

They found adjusting quite hard, but they are doing well and the space seems to help them a lot.

Which means that I am left in my room with Sky, Star, Badger and Sandy. Ideally Sandy could go outside because she copes fine wherever she is, but she will only go out if she is going out to a friend, which is the most unrealistic idea ever. Sandy doesn't do friends. The other three will stay in my room until they die.

Last weekend we had a massive overhaul of the NIC cage in my room and have given a lot more space to two cages, and I aim to rotate the buns around, to a certain extent. They all seem very happy though, which is the important thing.

And what is the change?

Well, today I found myself an accidental new foster. His name is Autumn and he is a cutie. He is very young, maybe 5-7 weeks, and is here because the RSPCA are struggling to give him the care, diet and environment he needs, so I can do my best for him. He has wonderful aeroplane ears and is very perky, but understandably nervous.

He was found on the side of the road, in a box, with another rabbit who was dead. He's had a traumatic time and I'm hoping to make it ok.

He is DEFINITELY not staying because I have men coming out of my ears, but he will stay for the short term. We will hopefully get him to a neuter and then he will go back to the centre to be bonded with a girlie.

If the gender fairy strikes then I'd love to keep him and bond him with Angel after his neuter, but I'm sure that won't happen.* 

* * * * 

*We are coming up to a time in my buns lives that I didn't want, and that is soon they will all be 'middle aged', which I hate. I can't bear to think that Sky is going to be 4 soon. With losing the fertility aspect, and with losing the potential for always having Flash with me, I just hope they all live long lives.*

* * * *

So, just thought I would also give a quick update on me. I'm still at the RSPCA, getting a bit more involved now because the previous rabbit knowledgable staff have left, which has meant the new girl has been thrown in at the deep end, so I'm trying to work with her and help her.

I have finished all my therapy and its not worked, so to speak, so what this means for me is that the professionals have no more ideas or options for me. So that means no hope for actually ever getting better. I will be like this, which is pretty unfortunate because I hate being like this.

Physically I'm not too good either. I have undiagnosed bowel problems and I can't allow them to investigate them (because I'm phobic of being sick), and that has meant my blood levels are at 6.2, making me severely anaemic (it should be a minimum of 11.5, under 7 they transfuse, under 5 it can kill you). So I'm struggling against those symptoms, unfortunately too.

I also desperately miss my Little Bud, and am very sad that we lost him and I was responsible. I miss him like crazy.


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## Sabine (Aug 29, 2009)

I am sorry to hear a lot of things don't seem to be working out. Even if you can't carry on Flash's bloodline you may yet find his reincarnation in another rabbit. I do believe rabbits have souls.
Hope you'll find a way through this for everyone's and everybun's sake and most of all for yourself.
:hug1


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## NorthernAutumn (Aug 29, 2009)

How cool! I have a coincidental namesake! (well, I AM older than he is  ) I need pics please 
What a horrible experience, poor little guy. I couldn't imagine being stuck with my deceased cagemate in a box:cry2.
I just know he'll gain confidence under your care, Tracy:nod

I am so pleased to hear that you will be working so closely with the new RSPCA gal... she'll certainly learn a lot about bunny behaviour and care from you! What is her background?

Will be sending good vibes for better health in all parts of your body & spirit. You're a tough cookie, Tracy... you shall overcome.
:hug2:


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## Flashy (Aug 30, 2009)

I got myself a new blog for my beautiful new foster.

Mr. Autumn's Journey


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## Wabbitdad12 (Sep 2, 2009)

Great update and what a rotten start for your accidental foster. Poor little guy.

I am sorry things are not going better for you right now, but your a fighter and you always come out on top of things.

Dave


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## Flashy (Mar 5, 2010)

I know this is a 2009 blog but I don't have another.

I'm losing Cloud. He's been severely ill for a few months now and has deteriorisated these past couple of days and after a very hard conversation with the vet yesterday, it is now in Cloud's best interested to do anything other than keep him calm and at home because the risk of takingt him to the vet could end his life. We don't think he will have much longer.

He's my baby and its breaking me apart- into a gazillion pieces. i just wanted to share some pictures of him- I hpe thats ok. I've probably share dthem befor but right now I can't upload any new ones. they aren't in any order, just as they come out of photobucket












*














*




































And with his Dopey girlfriends- Who have been absolutely incredible


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## Sabine (Mar 5, 2010)

I am really sorry to hear about Cloud. :hug:
I love the pictures of him with the Dopeys.


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## SOOOSKA (Mar 5, 2010)

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about Cloud. He is such a beautiful Bunny and so loved as you can see in all his pictures.

Please know that my thoughts are with you and Cloud at this time.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs 

Susan :hug1


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## JadeIcing (Mar 5, 2010)

I am so sorry.


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## TinysMom (Mar 5, 2010)

Oh no - I'm so sorry to read this. Cloud is just so cute.

I just feel speechless - wish I could say something to help but I know in situations like this - words feel...empty.


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## Flashy (Mar 6, 2010)

Thank you everyone. To be honetsz, the worst thing is not that I'm losing him- that is something that I can and do cope with. The problem is that I can't comfort him like I can with all the others (with the possible exception of Roger). 

Cloud is a stresshead and when I hold him now or go to hold him, he starts to panic and mouth breathe. 

I'm scared about the end because I want to do what's best for him. If he goes naturally, then I want o make sure he is not in any pain, but I can't do that unless I'm there, but I can't be there in case it makes his ending more distressing, and is he is PTS then the vet will have to come here (something I've already doscussed with me vet) because I can't take him to the vet like normal because I csan't pronvide that love and comfort and care that I normally would on the journey and in the last minutes and i dont want him to end his life so stressed. My vet says if I take him back to the vet he risks respiratory failure, and there are no benefits in risking that.

hes only three and a half, but weve known since last august hes been not right and when he developed liver problems in october we knew for sure he was deteriorating and no treatment has made a difference to him. he has a low dose of metacam everyday and that keeps him ticking over. he still has pleasure and he looks awesome at the moment, so hes not ready right now, but when he is, im scared im going to stuff it up for him.

i think im going to upload some more pictures now. 

thanks everyone


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## Flashy (Mar 6, 2010)




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## Pipp (Mar 6, 2010)

Oh no, I missed this! I was sooooo stoked to see that it was YOU posting... but then I read the post and losing Cloud is so sad.  

Does he like being petted and stroked? Would that be a comfort or torture? At least you can shower him with treats. 

So sorry, Tracy. :hug2:


sas


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## cheryl (Mar 6, 2010)

Tracy,i'm so very sorry to hear about Cloud...

Loved the pictures!

I'll be thinking of you both


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## Wabbitdad12 (Mar 6, 2010)

I am so sorry about cloud, he's a beautiful and any bun that has you for a slave is well loved and taken care of. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Dave


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## kirbyultra (Mar 6, 2010)

Tracy, 
I pray that you and Cloud will be alright... he's so young. I hope that he will find comfort in that his bunny mom loves him so much. He has the sweetest face. What a babe. He and the Dopeys are so funny together.


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## Flashy (Mar 21, 2010)

Just wanted to update about Cloud. I gave him a last shot, unexpected try, no hope really in it, type thing by giving him antibiotics (not by syringe because that would probably have killed him, but on a basil leaf). He has responded well to this- Septrin. He has shown a great deal of improvement in his lungs and can now eat with his head down. It won't help him liver problems, and the Septrin probably won't cure him, but for now, he is at the very least, stable. My aim is to get him breathing well enough to take him to the vet without risking respiratory failure, and getting some more appropriate antibios into him (this has all been done with consultation and agreement with my vet).


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## Wabbitdad12 (Mar 21, 2010)

I am gladCloud is showing signs of improvement. I hope your doing ok too.

Dave


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