# Need advice on "coming out"!



## BunnyLove89 (Aug 30, 2014)

I am 25 and have dated several guys and was engaged (my ex-fiancé and I broke up 13 days before the wedding). But I've had a secret for as long as I can remember that has made it hard to have a successful relationship. I am gay. I recently began dating a female friend I got very close to while I was still with my ex. I knew my relationship was falling apart and she was someone I could talk to about it. No lines were crossed, but feelings started developing on both our parts. I am extremely happy with her but it's hard because I can't tell the majority of people I am close to (mainly my family). I was able to tell 2 friends and my brother and it was received well, but I don't think it will go that smoothly with anyone else. It took my best friend awhile because we have been friends since birth and I didn't tell her until this past winter. 
My family is very religious and anytime I mention same-sex relationships they have derogatory comments to make. They have even told me that they would rather me come home pregnant than gay. I live with them currently and have a great relationship with them. I am saving up to build a cabin on the family property (31 acres of farm land). I worry that I will lose all of that if I tell them. But I feel like I am losing myself in the process of not telling them. I want to be proud of my relationship with my girlfriend instead of feeling like I have to hide who I am. 
I don't know what to do tho. And even if I decided to tell them I have no idea how I would go about it. Any advice woud be appreciated!


----------



## surf_storm (Aug 30, 2014)

Not coming out sent my uncle into depression and he was suisidal, his thoughts were the same as yours that if he told the family he wouldn't be accepted, the only person who didn't accept him was his older brother ( a bit of a homophobe) anyway he is living happily with his partner of 30 years and he has always been my coolest uncle. 
You should be proud of who you are and your family should also accept who you are you can't change who you love and they can't change you! You are a strong person and it sounds like you like to fight for what you believe, you can still be gay and religious. As hard as it is if your family don't accept you for who you are and the strong independent person you have become maybe it's better to know now then after you build the house on the family property
I won't tell you to tell them or not, that is ultimately your decision, but remember you are who you are and there is nothing that can change that, stay strong and be proud. 

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do
~Shell


----------



## whiskylollipop (Aug 31, 2014)

Being brought up religious, I have never understood why so many religious people are so homophobic. I don't think Jesus would ever make derogatory comments about gay people, and he absolutely would never ostracize or cut off a family member because of who they loved. He hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors to show that we are all equal and can all be saved, no matter what. I am agnostic now, but sheesh, if anyone should be unquestionably accepting of gay people it should be the religious people. Anyway, I think homophobia is more about how long white culture has been homophobic, so conservative traditionals see it as "normal". But it shouldn't be, and minds can be changed. I hope your family turns out to be open to this. I couldn't imagine having the courage to face what you do. Sending you hugs!


----------



## Ana_The_Dreamer (Aug 31, 2014)

^I agree 100% with what Laura said.
I myself am a "religious" person, and I am not homophobic at all. Many in my family and close friends are gay and when they "came out" it didn't make me love them any less! Your family should still love you and except you regardless of your sexuality. I think personally, everyone (whether religious or not!) should love ALL people and not cast our judgments upon their life choices. Judging someone or shunning them for the simple reason that you do not agree with their decisions is cowardly and unjust. 
Sending hugs and encouragement!


----------



## Bville (Aug 31, 2014)

I think you should just get it over with and tell them. Sit them down or take them out to dinner and tell them. They might be upset at first, but I think they will come around and realize it doesn't really make a difference if you are gay or straight. If you are worried they will be upset because of religious reasons, just remind them that Jesus was all about acceptance and forgiveness.


----------



## Khainon (Aug 31, 2014)

hm i am all too familiar with all of this...i am transgender..born female with the mind of a male so i have been going through the transition slowly..i told my mother..she refuses to accept it yet will accept my sister who is a lesbian, whatever..her loss...my sister doesnt care but she also doesnt approve...not all parents will approve of such things as they just dont understand them..thankfully i have come to the conclussion i am who i am and if people cant accept that then its not my fault..i just move on and ignore the negativity


----------



## bunnyman666 (Aug 31, 2014)

You can't help who you are. While I will never understand gayness, it is just inexplicable like the sky being blue; I don't try to explain it- it is what it is. Gayness is what it is, like straightness is what it is. Neither merits explanation, PERIOD. 

When I was going to go to seminary, I felt like I was going to fight an up-hill battle about embracing gays, lesbians, bi's and trans-gendered. I always felt that the story about Soddom and Gomorrah was about inhospitality, not homosexuality. My former sect did not share my sentiment, and that bothered me deeply. Many of my friends as a youth were gay, and I knew that there was no way that they were sinners except in their deception to the people whom they were dating in trying to convince the world that they were straight; however- this was a very forgivable sin (aren't they all if you truly followed the bible?)... We are all sinners, especially with the best of intentions. Please do not take the "sinners" comment as a pejorative...

Straight parents inherently are opposed to gayness because they don't want you unhappy or persecuted; however, sometimes a parent needs a bit of prodding to realise that they have a very special daughter or son who needs a bit more love; after all- in a world where 9/10 of people are straight, it's hard to know that you are a bit different from the world and it is JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. 

I hope your parents are more like 99/100 like most parents of gay children- a little freaked out, but once they know that: a) it is NOT THEIR FAULT, and b) you are the SAME child they bore, bred and reared and deserve their love and support. 

Give your parents a bit of time; after all, you needed a bit of time to reconcile all of this. G'd bless you and I pray for your happiness.


----------



## Khainon (Aug 31, 2014)

i wish that was the case for all parents bunnyman..my mother already said she will NEVER accept me..even though shes dying from stage 4 lung cancer and bone cancer..she is set in her ways...she even said what im doing is anabomination..that was when i went and saw her on mothersday..needless to say..i plan to stay away from her..i kinda steer away from people that are toxic to me..sorry for hijacking the thread><


----------



## whiskylollipop (Aug 31, 2014)

Khainon said:


> i wish that was the case for all parents bunnyman..my mother already said she will NEVER accept me..even though shes dying from stage 4 lung cancer and bone cancer..she is set in her ways...she even said what im doing is anabomination..that was when i went and saw her on mothersday..needless to say..i plan to stay away from her..i kinda steer away from people that are toxic to me..sorry for hijacking the thread><



I'm so sorry your mother is that way. How hard is it to realise that she gave birth to a son who just had the wrong body? It's not your fault. You're trying to find peace with who you are, and that's what's really important.


----------



## bunnyman666 (Aug 31, 2014)

Khainon said:


> i wish that was the case for all parents bunnyman..my mother already said she will NEVER accept me..even though shes dying from stage 4 lung cancer and bone cancer..she is set in her ways...she even said what im doing is anabomination..that was when i went and saw her on mothersday..needless to say..i plan to stay away from her..i kinda steer away from people that are toxic to me..sorry for hijacking the thread><



There is that 1/100. I wish I could deny their existence...

Dammit!!!! I hate to freaking hear that. I really do. That being said, I pray your mum sees the light. Just know that you are special and that you are loved. 

Sometimes, our parents make GRAVE mistakes... I feel bad for your mum because she is denying the special person you are.

I don't blame you for staying away; toxicity is good for NO BODY.


----------



## bunnyman666 (Aug 31, 2014)

Please know that when I say "special" person when I refer to gay/transgender/etc., I mean like a yellow diamond amongst the white ones- you are different but no less beautiful; someone rare, someone special- nothing more, nothing less.

Some people have bastardised "special" into something into a negative connotation; I am an old soul who means special when I say special.


----------



## Khainon (Aug 31, 2014)

thanks you guys..i appreciate your words..and yeah..my mom not accepting me..is her loss..she will accept my lesbian sister happily..but not me..whatever


----------



## bunnyman666 (Sep 1, 2014)

Khainon said:


> thanks you guys..i appreciate your words..and yeah..my mom not accepting me..is her loss..she will accept my lesbian sister happily..but not me..whatever



It is her loss. 

I wish I could get inside your mum's head and make her know that you are the same child she bore. You became who you were LOOOOOOOOOONG before you came into this f***ed up world.

I can't fathom feeling that I was born in the wrong body. But I do know what it is like to know who I am DESPITE being told what I was supposed to be. I was just an extroverted dresser, misunderstood by people who were so freaking backward. I was told that "one day, I will understand who I am". Funny- I just had a thing for dressing in all black, being pale with jet black hair and being brooding seducing a few women!!!! I knew I was straight, but was annoyed because I knew these people thought that gay looked like goth. I was more annoyed because they wouldn't treat me like a "normal" person, and more annoyed that the underlying feeling was that gay was "weird". If I were gay, I would have had my freak flag flying, I'm telling you...

I hope you find solace. Feel free to PM me any time. I am just a no-nonsense straight dude who questions nothing, questions little, but accepts anyone who is sincere. You are who you are, and you are special. You are NOT an abomination.


----------



## BunnyLove89 (Sep 4, 2014)

Thanks everyone for your support thus far. I wound up coming out on Sunday. At first my mom thought I was messing with her and then she got really quiet. As the day went by things kinda went back to normal, until last night. She started insisting that I chose to be gay and that other gays prey on the abused because they are vulnerable and easy to turn gay, and that's how I "decided to become gay" (I was abused). 
So I'm pretty discouraged. I want to be proud of who I am and show my girlfriend that I'm proud of our relationship but I don't want to make things worse with my parents.


----------



## surf_storm (Sep 4, 2014)

Give them time to absorb it, it is a big shock to them, but you should defiantly be proud of who you are! 


~Shida (and Shell)


----------



## BunnyLove89 (Sep 4, 2014)

I'm torn between wanting to be proud and talking about my life and relationship, but I don't want to anger anyone or have them think I'm rubbing it in.


----------



## bunnyman666 (Sep 4, 2014)

PDA is "rubbing it in", IMO. I'm straight and think that PDA between any couple, regardless of orientation, is icky. I am not talking holding hands or a peck on the cheek, either...

Since most parents' dreams are to have you happy, the uninitiated parent is always afraid that being gay is the road to extreme unhappiness.

Parents tend to blame themselves when their child comes out, whether it be from thinking they didn't protect you well enough or thinking you are taking revenge on them for something they did or didn't do.

Give your mum time. Finding professionals to speak with always goes a long way. 

Good luck.


----------



## Azerane (Sep 5, 2014)

They probably are still absorbing the information, and to be honest, even though you've told them, there will still probably be a bit of a shock factor the first time they see you with your girlfriend.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice to give, but good on you for telling them, it's no use living an incomplete life where you can't be yourself.


----------

