# You are loved very much Bear



## nichola05 (Apr 10, 2015)

Firstly apologies, this is my first post and this isn't going to win me any friends. Some people are going to hate me, but not as much as I hate myself right now. I had to find an outlet to say what I need to say, and apologies again for this being long and being such a terrible person.

My beautiful boy Bear had to be euthanized yesterday and it was my own fault. I feel terrible pain at losing him, and missing him and the guilt of knowing it needn't have happened.

I've made a lot of mistakes. (sorry if this is the wrong place for this post).

I bought Bear from a breeder, I knew it was the wrong thing to do. She'd brought him inside her house when I came to buy him (there was no meet him and collect him later) and I didn't see his parents or where he had been living. I knew something was wrong with this, but I felt sorry for him, I had to save him. 

I took Bear home to live with my beautiful girl Binky as house rabbits. She had been spayed just weeks before hand. Binky is such a loving affectionate and docile rabbit, but became very aggressive towards Bear and they had to live separately for months. Bear doted on Binky anyway and always tried to go to the side of her home for affection from her, and she would always lash out at him. I gave them separate run time morning and evenings/night.
I tried all tactics that I had read online about bonding them in a neutral place, but she had become so aggressive. I showered him with love because of it, but he never wanted it. He wanted Binky. 

Bear was never a rabbit to like human interaction. I should have known this from buying from the breeder, he was so scared of her and of me. He was a lionhead and as a baby would constantly be covered in hay. I would have to pull little bits of hay from his fur as he hopped about as he hated being handled to groom him. Eventually we started grooming and trimming nails more often but he would squirm and scratch. I started to believe he hated me. 

Eventually Binky took to Bear, it took months, and I moved them into the same home. Almost instantly they were grooming each other and lying together.

That's when he started to come of age, and he hounded Binky almost at the point of terrorising the poor girl. But I could see they still loved each other so I didn't want to split them back to their separate homes. It did cause Binky to become quite withdrawn. She used to come to me for petting and now she never came, but I thought it was okay, maybe it was just because she was getting the affection she wanted from Bear. Though she became more jumpy and anxious like he was, and it created an atmosphere.

He started spraying everywhere and his litter training went out the window, just as Binky's hormones died down and she started going back to good litter practise. I started restricting Bears free time, I felt mean for doing it but I would watch him constantly when he was out and he hated it, hiding from me. I took him to the vet and they said he needed more time before being neutered. They did not agree with the age that he should have been going by the breeders birth date, I think she had lied. We had to cope a bit longer with the naughty accidents around the house and I hoped he would calm down a bit after neutering in terms of pestering Binky, the chewing, and the complete hatred towards me. I tried positive reinforcements with treats when he was out of the cage, but he literally did not care, he would do exactly as he wished. He came to me very very occassionally if I had treats and will cherish those memories.

I felt terrible at this point in time, he was thumping at me in anger as I hushed him away from poops and cleared up behind him. He would ignore me. Though he still binkied about my apartment, happy as can be when I gave him space.

I took to accepting that he just wasn't a bunny that liked human contact. It made it hard to groom him, and training was completely out the window. He thumped in his cage in frustration if was not allowed to run free. So I tried another tactic.... I made sure the whole apartment bar my bedroom was bunny proofed, and I let them roam. The hoover would pick up any naughty poos from Bear, Binky still had perfect litter training. I didn't want to watch them over-bearingly, they hated it, and I hated that I had to be so watchful of him until he could be neutered and hormones die down. 

Then yesterday, tragedy. And to set the scene I've been on and off work with stress this last two weeks, redundancies at work and finding out my father is dying from his third brain tumour (not operable now). I had a migraine and drove straight home from work after arriving there 9 am. When I got home I let the buns out and went to lie on the sofa to close my eyes. 
I woke up to a loud noise in the hall. Bear was in the hallway and trodden soft cecotropes into the carpet and had sprayed urine over the walls and carpet, I'd never seen him do such a thing. I was tired and I feel terribly negligent. I tried to encourage him back to the cage, but this does not work with him not even with treats, he runs, he jumps and he hides, but coaxing him anywhere he will not do. So I tried to pick him up, which ended up me chasing him, I finally caught him and he scratched and I let him go dropping him. I did it again, I picked him up again, and he lashed out again... and you will hate me as much as I do... I pushed him away from me. He cut my arms and hands up and I guess I dropped him away from me. He hit the floor and was injured, he'd bit himself and had hurt his back. An image that will haunt my dreams forever. I had never wanted to hurt my beautiful furbaby, it was a terrible reaction in poor judgement because I was so not well. I rushed him to the vets he was x-rayed, but it did not look good he had dislocated something in his back and one of his legs was unresponsive. They told me the most humane thing to do would be to have him put to sleep, and so I said my goodbyes and my furbaby passed over to rainbow bridge :rainbow:

I miss him so terribly much, even though he hated me, I wish I had done more. His neuter operation had been booked for this coming Tuesday. I miss his crazy jumps and binkies around the house. I'm trying to tell myself that in his strange crazy way he was happy, though I think he wasn't meant for a house home, and would have been happier living outside with lots of other bunnies. I've spoken to friends about what happened and they keep telling me these accidents happen. But I can never forgive myself. I love you Bear and hope we see each other again, and you will forgive me :rainbow: and you are in a happy place.

All I can do now is shower Binky in so much love. I'm sure most people here will think I should not have pets. But I would never cause any harm to an animal on purpose. Binky has been coping quite well and has strangely become very affectionate and attention seeking like she was months ago before Bear came to live with us. I bought her some treats and willow sticks to chew on today, and I couldn't help but think about how much Bear loved to chew on those willow sticks. I haven't stopped crying since it happened. 

I love you so very much buddy, I'm so sorry things had to end this way.


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## steph66419 (Apr 10, 2015)

I get it's hard when he wants basically nothing to do with you. All you wanna do is love him and he doesn't want it. Accidents happen sweetie. The thing is if I pick my rabbit up and he jumps out of my arms. He almost smacked his head hard on the cage because it's on the floor. But I caught him just in time before he did. Accidents do happen. Don't beat yourself up for it.


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## Nancy McClelland (Apr 10, 2015)

Sorry for your loss. All of ours are rescues and sometimes it takes years to bring them around.


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## pani (Apr 14, 2015)

I'm so sorry to read of your loss. 

Please don't guilt yourself, although I understand it's hard right now. You gave Bear the most loving home you could, and a freak accident was what caused his injury, _not_ your actions. Rabbits are fragile, delicate creatures by creation (although we sometimes forget because of how full of attitude they can be). What you were dealing with was normal - animals of prey won't always be affectionate, and that's okay. They can enjoy their space and enjoy living alongside their humans without necessarily needing to show them affection. You took in Bear, showed him a loving home with yourself and Binky, and did the most humane thing when he was injured.

Binky free, little Bear. :rainbow:


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## Lokin4AReason (Apr 14, 2015)

up binkying away w/ our loved one(s) awaiting US ... my you R.I.P.


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## jschreiner4569 (Oct 23, 2015)

A very wise friend comforted me when I felt something I did or didn't do may have contributed to one of my beloved rabbit's death. Never feel guilty. You loved that bunny and that love was returned. No bunny's life was lived in vain. Each bunny was put in our life for a purpose. Bear taught you some very special skills. He taught you how unpredictable a bunny can be when you pick them up. They love to be free and will struggle and scratch to remain so. You did not hurt Bear on purpose. He taught you a loving lesson that you will use when handling bunnies in the future. Bear is looking down upon you now and thanking you for the love you gave him. I truly believe we will be reunited with bunnies when we pass away. God Bless you and ease your grief. Jane


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