# Tallulah Maesie, the angel bunny



## SnowyShiloh

I can't believe I'm writing this. I can't believe MY Tallulah, my little Miss Mae Mae, is dead. How can she be? She was bouncing around my living room and trying to get into the bag of bunny food last night. She ran in circles around my feet and gave me kisses. Now she's been dead for three hours and is in the refrigerator so we can take her in for a necropsy in the morning instead of sitting on my lap being petted and adored.

She was only 28 weeks and 1 day old... 7 months. I had her for almost 5 months, but it felt like years. I have to keep correcting myself and write in the past tense. I feel so cheated out of the next 10 years we were supposed to have together. She was just a baby. Why and how is my little princess gone? She did not deserve to have health issues and did not deserve to die so young, no bunny does. I just can't fathom that she isn't here anymore and never will be again.

Every single day I've worried about the day my bunnies will die. I was and am painfully aware that all of my darling bunnies will one day break my heart and be lifeless in my arms, just this morning before I found her lethargic in her cage, I was fearing her eventual death. I had no idea it would happen so soon. I've always had the feeling she wouldn't have a normal life span, but at the same time I'm reeling from the shock. Weird, huh?

Tallulah was a treasure. She was so sweet, so loving, and was very spirited and tenacious. I loved her so much. Her eyes were so warm and friendly and her cute little ears reminded me of a little red haired girl with pig tails. Just the other day I was thinking that I should get some ribbon to tie on her ears and take some pictures. Now I'll never have the chance. Her fur was so soft... It was very silky and long and fine and wonderful. It still seemed very babylike in it's softness.

I won't reiterate everything that happened with her health, but she had health issues from the day we got her. She made many trips to the vet for primarily intestinal issues, but was nearly always cheerful and lively in spite of maybe not feeling so well. She actually was very healthy for the last month of her life, no poopy butt or runny nose or any other problems. It was just in the past couple days that she started having seemingly minor tummy troubles (I was going to schedule her an appointment with the vet today and was concerned but not TOO worried). It wasn't until today that she seemed truly ill. Even when we left the vet this evening, the vet thought she was perking up and would *probably* pull through. She was dead less than an hour later.

My sweet Mae Mae, how can you be gone? 

When the vet brought her out to me, I was thinking she seemed more lethargic than before, but the vet was sure she was acting better. I took her home with all her medications, expecting her to act perkier, but she didn't. She would lie on her stomach and flopped in my arms when I held her. I watched as her breathing became more shallow. I got very scared and cried, afraid to look away in case she died. I didn't want her to see me cry or sense my fear, but I couldn't help it. It was either cry in another room and leave her alone as she likely died, or hold her and cry and tell her she'd be okay. It was odd, I was terrified she was dying but was still hopeful she could be saved. Even though she was so lethargic and breathing so shallowly, she was still _there. _She was still in there. Her eyes didn't look glazed over or pained or scared. They were actually brighter than they had been earlier in the day. Thank God she was somewhat peaceful and was with me.

I was sitting on the couch holding her, trying to tell her breathing apart from my chest heaving making her also move. I told her to hang on for mama and we could make her better if she would just hang in there. I told her she was wonderful and strong and we'd live together for a long time still. I told her she and Skyler would be best buddies soon and she'd get to go play in the grass. My boyfriend got home and I decided maybe it was worth trying to rush her to the after hours veterinarian (a bunny vet was working tonight) in an attempt to save her, but as Paul grabbed the phone to call them, I felt her arch her back, go taut, the muscles in her face tightened, then she relaxed. Her body twitched a couple more times, but she was gone by then. I cried like I cried when Cinnabun died 6 years ago. I cried out her name over and over again (I call her Mae Mae most of the time), and told her she was okay now and rocked her back and forth and kissed her and begged that she not be dead. It didn't work.

After I held her and petted her and talked to her for a long time, I sent Paul out for a rubbermaid container and a pretty towel to wrap her in since the pretty purple towel I bought her last week that she was lying on was dirty from her being sick. He came back with a green towel that he bought because it looked like hay and she loved to eat. I decided to cut off her whiskers on one side and a small swatch of her fur, because I always wished I had a little bit of Cinnabun. I don't think she'll mind mama keeping a little of her.

I remember Paul telling me we could get a second bunny on Christmas, and being crushed when the bunny I wanted at the animal shelter was adopted. Shortly afterwards, Tracy (timetowaste) suggested looking at Craigslist for bunnies in need, so I did. I accidentally found little 8 week old Tallulah instead, who wasn't a bunny in need, but still needed a loving home. I got some flack for not adopting a shelter bunny and always felt guilty, even now, but how I loved (and continue to love) my Tallulah girl. At first, she was afraid of me and ran away, but within a week she followed me everywhere, gave kisses, and demonstrated her fantastic athletic abilities by jumping up on the couch for loving and leaping over NIC panel barries 2 panels high.

I guess that's it for now. Thank you to everyone who also loves my girl, and thank you so much for being here. You are all amazing and I'm glad to know others think she's special too. I can't believe I'm typing this and that she won't be here tomorrow, her cage is empty and her pink food bowl won't be sat in by her ever again.

I like to think of Tallulah being greeted in heaven by Cinnabun and all the other forum bunnies who have passed. She's finally healthy and can run and eat whatever she wants and play in the fields. I imagine her getting ready to go to bed for the first time in a rabbit warren with all our beloved bunnies who have gone. 

I love you, Mae Mae!


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## GoinBackToCali

I am sorry..

Ty for sharing..and letting us be apart of her thread..

Z


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## ChandieLee

I am truly sorry for your loss. 






-Chandra


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## slavetoabunny

I'm so sorry for your loss.Tallulah was loved by everyone here. Binky free little one.:rainbow::rip:


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## Bo B Bunny

I can't believe I'm reading this. That baby was so precious. We ALL loved her. Through the photos you shared, we saw her darling personality shine! 

She'd had a lot of health problems in her short little life. I'm so sorry you lost her. I wish there could have been something to help her.

RIP little baby girl.


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## JadeIcing

I am so sorry.


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## Marietta

I'm so touched by your post, I can't help my tears. Tallulah was and will always be loved so much. She was so special, I loved seeing photos of her, such a doll!
I am so sorry, I still can't believe it's Tallulah's thread in RB...

We all share your pain.
Marietta


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## pumpkinandwhiskersmom

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss....so soon....but in her short life, she knew extravagant love, because you gave it to her. 

Binky-free, Tallulah:rainbow:and watch over your loving Momma....help her through her grief.

ray:for your healing and for peace for you, SnowyShiloh.


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## tonyshuman

[align=center]I'm shocked and sad. I don't know how I can console you but to say that she was one of my favorite bunnies and I can't believe she's gone. She and you did not deserve this pain. I know her pain is now over, but it will take a long time for yours to go away. I hope that you can take some comfort in knowing how much she loved you and that your compassionate treatment of her sets you apart from so many in this world.

[/align][align=center][font="Times New Roman,adobe-times,Times"]*"We who choose to surround ourselves with lives even more temporary than*[/font][font="Times New Roman,adobe-times,Times"]*our own live within a fragile circle easily and often breached. Unable to *[/font][font="Times New Roman,adobe-times,Times"]*accept its awful gaps, we still would live no other way. We cherish memory *[/font][font="Times New Roman,adobe-times,Times"]*as the only certain immortality, never fully understanding the necessary *[/font][font="Times New Roman,adobe-times,Times"]*plan." *[/font][/align][align=center] [/align][font="Times New Roman,adobe-times,Times"]*Irving Townsend


*[/font][align=center][font="Times New Roman,adobe-times,Times"]RIP sweet baby Tallulah.[/font]
[/align]


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## Michaela

This is devastating, I'm in shock. :tears2: So, so sorry, Shiloh. :hug:

Binky free Tallulah. :rainbow:


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## Alexah

I loved Tallulah and I'm so grateful that while she was here on this earth that you willingly shared so much of her with us. What a precious girl...what a tremendous loss.

RIP sweetheart. You will forever live on in all of our hearts. You may have been taken much too soon, but your legacy will continue on for a lifetime.


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## Thumpers_Mom

:bigtears:OMG!! Shiloh :hug2:I am so...I don't even know what to say. :cry1:I loved Lula as if she were my own. I know I haven't been around much but I did pop by to check your pictures and boy did she make me smile. 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Tallulah could not have been a luckier bunny. 

Binky Free little Lula...you will be eternally missed.:rainbow:ink iris:


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## LadyBug

I can't believe i'm reading this, i'm so sad, and shocked thatshe's gone. shewas sucha sweetie, i always loved looking at her pictures. she was like a little ray of sunshine to all. she will be very, very much missed!

:rainbow:ink iris::rip:ink iris::rainbow:

*~*~*~*~Tallulah~*~*~*~*

 :angelandbunny:


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## Evey

I am so very sorry to read this. As you know, she was a forum favorite; Iloved her winning photo contest picture!

You've given her the best life...even if it was a short life. We are all here for you and will continue to watch your wonderful boys grow old. 

Binky free, Tallulah :rainbow:

-Kathy


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## tort

I am sorry for your loss. You are in our prayers.


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## SnowyShiloh

I called the vet office and we're bringing Tallulah in for her necropsy on my way to work. As much as I hate the idea of her being splayed open on a table, the vet thinks it could answer some questions, most importantly whether Rory and Skyler are at susceptible to whatever she may have had. Another vet here in town does individual cremations where you get the ashes back, so we're going to do that.

I can't decide if I want to hold her body one last time before taking her to the vet's. She'll be so cold, but I miss her so much. I don't know how I'll handle work today (work as a cashier at a grocery store) but they said I have to come in. I just want my girly back!

Thank you so much for the outpouring of love for her! It breaks my heart to see her cage empty, I fed the bunnies this morning but her bowl is still full from last night when I was hoping she'd eat.

I love you, baby Mae.


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## bunbunbinkie

I am so so very sorry to hear about little Tallulah. It's always awful to lose a pet, but especially one as young as her.

My thoughts are with you. I am so sorry.:tears2:

:rainbow:Binkie free baby Tallulah. Watch over your mommy from the bridge.:rainbow:


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## trailsend

Oh Shiloh... I am just so sorry, it's so so very hard. I think it's a good idea to have a necropsy done, it will hopefully help answer some questions. 

My heart goes out to you. :rainbow:


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## kellyjade

:bigtears:
I can't believe it, not sweet Tallulah :cry2 I'm so sorry Shiloh.

Binky free, Tallulah baby. :bunnyangel:


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## Wabbitdad12

I am very sorry, she knew she was loved.ink iris:


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## TinysMom

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know she felt loved during her short life.


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## naturestee

_My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today._

I'm so sorry you lost her. I'm really glad you're getting the necropsy done because I wish I had with Sprite. 

Binky free Tallulah, binky free.
:sad:


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## polly

I am so sorry I just got on late tonight and saw your infirmary post I can't believe it 

:rainbow:


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## Pet_Bunny

Tallulah:bigtears: 

Binky free sweet one. :bunnyangel:

I am sure Tallulahand Cinnabun are giving each other bunny kisses.


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## edwinf8936

:bigtears::sad::bigtears::sad::bigtears:


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## Cynnba01995

oh no!! I am truly SOOO sorry for your loss!! I am crying right now...

sending you, your family and Tallulah all my LOVE ink iris:



Tallulah knows, how much you love her!! ...she'll be waiting for you, at the Rainbow Bridge...hang in there...you WILL meet again...


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## LuvaBun

I still can't believe that precious little Tallulah has gone . She was such a beautiful girl, and I thought we'd be seeing her sweet pictures on here for a long time.

Shiloh, I am so very sorry. Please let us know what the necropsy finds. We all cared for your little girl so much.

God Bless, Tallulah 

Jan


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## Jenk

It's clear that you loved your Miss Mae Mae dearly--and that you were an excellent mama to her. I am so very sorry for your loss. :cry1:

Your sweet girl remains her sweet self, however; only now she binkies freely on the other side of the :rainbow:. And your love goes with her. :kiss::hearts

Jenk


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## BEAUKEZRA

I'm so sorry:bigtears: :sad:


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## SnowyShiloh

I miss my baby girl so badly! I'm still in shock that she's gone. She should be here with me. I did end up holding her one last time this morning wrapped in her towel and petted her head and gave her kisses. It's so hard to decide which kiss will be the last one. I want her back.

Work was terrible, I don't usually cry very much but I teared up many times and cried a couple times- one of the times I was helping a customer, but she was very understanding. Things like stupid songs on the radio and people buying leafy celery set me off. She never got to try celery because I wanted to wait until her tummy was more mature, but I'm sure she would have loved it, especially the leafy parts. I'll never get to see her enjoy celery or carrot tops and she never got to play in the grass. 

I just got off the phone with the veterinarian. She just finished the necropsy. It's so frustrating because the less bunny experienced vet did the necropsy, and she said Tallulah's cecum was very full (which we knew) and she said she THOUGHT her intestines were kind of twisted up and that's what killed her, but that maybe they weren't twisted up. She said she took pictures during the surgery and posted them on some vet web site to see what others think. This isn't the definitive answer I was hoping for, we still don't know if she has anything "contagious". The necropsy was $100, her bill from yesterday was $475 and the private cremation is $150. It will cost an additional $160 to send the samples the vet took off to a pathologist, and I'm debating whether or not it's worth it. Her life and "proper" burial are definitely worth it, but I'm living paycheck to paycheck and I don't know if I can justify the extra $160.

I just want my baby girl back. I wish I'd known the last time I held her when she was healthy. I wish I could have spent more time with her. I wonder if something else could have been done for her and if she was in a lot of pain. Maybe something I did caused her to get sick? I'll never know, but I'll always feel guilty. I still feel guilty about Cinny's death even though he didn't die because of negligence or anything.

Would it disturb anyone if I post the pictures of her after she died and the video before she died? They aren't gruesome. Also, I know I've said it before, but reading about how everyone loved her really helps. It's good to know people will remember her.


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## XxMontanaxX

I read this in RO today, and I thought to myself I didn't know we had two Tallulahs on this board...So I clicked on the link and found this...

I don't even know what to say...
:bigtears:


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## FallingStar

Oh my! This loss is devastating because, I was reading the first post you made when she was rushed to the vet. I was hoping the little girl would make it. I was hoping. :tears2:

I am so sorry for you. I hope your heart heals, from the love of your other buns. 

She will be binky free at the bridge. :rainbow:



_

Karlee


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## timetowaste

oh shiloh...

i opened this thread preparing myself to see what happened, and i still feel like i didn't prepare myself enough.

i'm just so sorry. that's all i can really say. i can't believe it's TALLULAH. i can just feel the pain radiating from you. i'm just so sorry. 

know that where tallulah is, there are no health problems, and she is watching and waiting always.

best wishes shiloh, i'm just heartsick over this one.

binky free, tallulah.

love, tracy


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## SnowyShiloh

I'm so sad and went through and looked at her photos and videos. Here are a couple of videos and some of my favorite pictures that I hope you'll enjoy.

Licky girl last month: 




Enjoying being petted a couple months ago:




8 week old baby binkies when I'd only had her a couple days:




The first picture I saw of her on Craigslist:
































Tallulah's poopsplosion around Rory's cage:























































the picture that was on Disapproving Rabbits:




















They aren't in order and sorry there are so many!


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## mouse_chalk

I just don't know what to say in this thread!

I'm so, so very sorry for you Shiloh. Please believe that it was not your fault, you couldn't have prevented this. You were and are such a caring, careful, loving bunny mum, and Tallulah was so loved, and so lucky to have had such a happy life, allbeit far too short. Please know that I am always here for you...

She was one of my favourites, if not my favourite bunny on the forum, and I just can't believe that she's gone. I cried so much for you yesterday, and I'm crying now, and I just kept saying to Steve how it wasn't fair that you had to lose her, it just wasn't fair..

Tallulah, we will all miss you so very much! Your life was too short, but you touched so many people and bought smiles to so many faces. I hope that Cinnabun takes good care of you at the bridge, where you will binky away happily...

:rainbow:ink iris::rainbow:

Jen xxx


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## Coco0457

I am SOOO sorry that your little bunny girl is gone!! I'm crying right now...:cry1:

Tallulah and you did not deserve this. you should have had years to come together!! That is so unfair, and senseless!! You did the right thing, staying with her. She wanted you to be with her, when she died. You did all you could do, Shiloh!! Tallulah knows that!! 

It's sad, that the necropsy didn't give the answers you were looking for. --- Tallulah is such a cute bunny girl!! Thank you so much for showing her sweet pictures!! Tallulah's spirit will ALWAYS be with you, and she is watching over you from the Rainbow Bridge!! Treasure her GOOD memories!! You love each other SO much!!

If there is ANYTHING I can do for you, please let me know!!

much Love, Nicole

ink iris:


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## Little Bay Poo

This is so sad for me to read because, although I don't post much, I had been keeping up with all of your threads about Tallulah's continuing problems and know how much you put into nursing her back to health. You mentioned about feeling guilty, like you could have done more, but please know that you did so much for this little girl and were always doing your best to be there for her. I don't think you could have done any more than you did. Sometimes it's just their time. 

I was also looking back at your blog at all the Tallulah videos and pictures. The one of her licking the cage bars for her medicine is so precious! I'm really glad that you were able to get those pictures and videos of her, they are lovely remembrances. 

When I first read about her passing my heart sank. Like many have mentioned, I felt like she was one of my own. She was on my bunny napping list from day one . Binky free little one :rainbow:


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## LuvaBun

Those videos and pictures are so precious. I still can't believe it. I am still thinking of you , Shiloh, and again, I'm so sad for you 

Jan


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## EileenH

I saw this on Goosemoose and my heart broke for you.

You're in all of our hearts and thoughts - I can't say more than everyone else has, but I hope your heart heals soon. *hugs*


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## SnowyShiloh

I got an important e-mail from her breeder today. Here is part of it:

"Dear Shiloh, 

Again, I am very sorry about Tallulah's "early flight" to Heaven. For sure, she was the most loved bunny and had a life, though short, that every pet should have. I do think, from your emails, that she was not a strong bunny from the beginning, although she never suffered from diarrhea while she was here and I never had an indication that she was anything but healthy.I know some of her symptoms started right away (runny nose) when you first had her, and that you consistently gave her the very best vet care (I'm sorry about your vet bill--way more than I could have imagined), so I believe perhaps genetically she had a compromised immune system that could not overcome the usual rabbit ups and downs. 

Her mom, Olivia, has always been healthy, and her dad as well (I am sorry to say that Ijust last monthplaced him in a 4H home because I just had too many bucks). Olivia has never lost a baby, nor have I ever had someone contact me with a healthy problem in her children--till now. 

However, Olivia had a litter of six in March, and I lost three of them in the space of one week when they reached six weeks of age. It was mucoid enteritis, which strikes weaning bunnies and is essentially 100% fatal due to cocci and clostridium overgrowth resulting from GI stasis and toxins in the cecum which cause death. I spent a lot of time and money and tried every antibiotic, probiotic, vitamin, etc. that I researched, but to no avail. I have lost four more bunnies during this month, all in the same manner, though in different litters, and it is so sad and discouraging. In previous years, I have never lost more than one baby here and there, and never one older than 9 weeks. I read that there are predisposing factors, such as environmental changes, loud noises, different caretakers, diet changes and genetics that may precipitate this condition, but the real cause is unknown. It sounds like this is the same condition that affected Tallulah, although she was an adult and should have been able to overcome it, I would think...but it makes me wonder about genetic predisposition.

I am still breeding my rabbits and currently have several healthy ones that made it through my recent crisis without any problems, but I cannot help but wonder why some were affected and others weren't. I am disinfecting my cages carefully and have switched to hay racks so the babies aren't eating hay off the bottom of the cage as much, but they still sit on their food while they eat, etc, so I have all the moms and babies on Sulmet for cocci, although none of my adults are thin or show any sign of disease."

Those symptoms sure do sound like what Tallulah had. She's lost 7 babies to this in March, April and May and 3 were Tallulah's siblings, raised in the same cage she was raised in. As far as she knows, Tallulah's littermates are all fine. I guess what she had is bacterial then. Skyler is only 5 months old and has been exposed to her "germs" and is currently suffering from a runny nose and sneezing (he's going to the vet tomorrow). You can imagine how worried I am about him! 

Why did Tallulah have to be the "pioneer"? This woman has been breeding for years and never had a problem. My poor girl. I'm thinking about her all the time and keep looking for her, even though I know she's gone. I saw a bit of white in her cage out of the corner of my eye, and even though I was thinking about how much I miss her, my first reaction was that it was her sitting under the ledge in her cage. When I was opening the shades to the window by Skyler's cage, he came bounding over (very social bunny) and for a split second I thought it was her when I saw him in my peripheral vision.

I work as a cashier at Fred Meyer and of course am supposed to be cheerful with the customers. Most of my customers are pretty nice and a lot of them ask how I'm doing, just to be polite. Don't know what to say, today I stuck to "doing okay" or ignoring the question and asking them if they're having a nice Saturday afternoon. I told a couple of the customers about her though. 

The past few couple days have been completely devoid of happiness. This afternoon though, a woman was buying a hummingbird magazine and seeing the magazine brought me the tiniest bit of joy (I love wild birdies), so when I got off work I bought the magazine (probably the only person under 60 who bought one!) and am going to look at it in a couple minutes. 

Also, you know how people tend to think things are "signs" from deceased loved ones when they're mourning? I guess it helps them feel a little better. Well, yesterday afternoon the power went out in all of Fairbanks, just for half an hour or so. All the lights went out at Fred Meyer and we were running on the generator. Everyone was kind of giddy because it was so different, the customers were being especially friendly and helping each other. I couldn't help but think of Miss Mae causing a little mischief up there, trying to make me smile! Turns out a tree fell on a (seemingly very important) power line here in town. 

Thank you all yet again for all the love you've shown for my girl. Give your bunnies lots of kisses and don't be afraid to spoil them! Miss Mae's favorite food was oats, feel free to give your bunnies a little bit in honor of my girly. She would always pick them out of her food bowl before hoovering down her pellets.


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## juliew19673

Oh SnowyShiloh I just enjoyed those video's.. Such a personality in that one - so outgoing and perhaps she new she had a short time.. I'm really sorry she is gone from your life and know I don't have the "thing" that is going to make you whole, but after watching those videos of Tallulah I really think you did have something special in your life that no one else will experience.. 

RIP Tallulah, you will be missed by many...


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## XxMontanaxX

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Thank you all yet again for all the love you've shown for my girl. Give your bunnies lots of kisses and don't be afraid to spoil them! Miss Mae's favorite food was oats, feel free to give your bunnies a little bit in honor of my girly. She would always pick them out of her food bowl before hoovering down her pellets.



I definately will. 

Oh Shiloh I can't even imagine how you are feeling. And how you said you took pictures of after she died and a video before she died...will you please send them to me? I'd atleast love to see the video.

I've been thinking about Tallulaha lot, expecially when I look at Macey. I picture her looking like Macey just with a different coat...but then I get upset because we will never see Tallulah at that age. I miss her so much, and she wasn't even my rabbit.


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## BSAR

I am so sorry for your loss. She was such a pretty bunny. That is horrible what happened to her.

Rest in Peace Tallulah. :bunnyangel2:


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## NorthernAutumn

My deepest condolences for your loss...

I had the opportunity to read your thread in the last few days, and your gorgeous pictures of Tallulah were so inspiring. Thank you for sharing her. I think she's given a lot of joyto a lot of people!


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## pumpkinandwhiskersmom

Thanks so much for sharing the videos and pics of your sweet girl. What a dear, sweet little face! She was a lovely little girl, and I know she is watching over you. ray:for you at this saddest of times.


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## SnowyShiloh

I miss you so much, baby girl! I can't believe you've been gone for 3 days. It feels like so much longer  Paul took Skyler to the vet for me today and he brought home the container I dropped Tallulah's little body off at the vet in. I didn't get the towel back, I requested that they wrap her in it again after the necropsy. I'd imagine she's either being cremated now or is in a freezer waiting. I hate the idea of her being frozen, it's so unnatural, and I also hate the idea of her being burned. I just hate the idea of her being gone. If I had a good place to bury her, I may have, but we're renting our apartment and I wouldn't want to leave her behind when we move away. At least now I'll have her ashes forever, just like Cinnabun's. I actually sculpted a larger than life statue of Cinnabun a couple summers ago during a ceramics class I took at the university, I hollowed it out and put a little opening with a lid on the back. It's his urn. I couldn't find a manufactured urn special enough, so I had to make my own. I don't know yet what I'll do with Mae's ashes. I wish she were like a phoenix and could be born again from her own ashes. I know that's silly though. 

Sorry I'm rambling, like I said I'm tired and missing my girl.

Montana, I'll send you the pictures and videos of her last few minutes. The videos might be disturbing (though not graphic) because you can see how listless she was... I'm not sure whether they'll be a comfort or not, but for some reason I felt compelled to make them. I still need to upload them to Photobucket though. Please remember to take videos of your bunnies in addition to just photographs!


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## SnowyShiloh

Okay, I decided to upload to Photobucket some of the last pictures of Tallulah before I go to bed. I hope you like them.

Tallulah and Skyler enjoying each other's company through the cage bars. So sad to know they will never get to be friends, I think they would have loved each other. I wonder if Rory misses Tallulah, over time he stopped hating her I think (though he'd still try to get her if they weren't separated) and would sometimes kind of sit by her as she lay outside his cage and would wash himself at the same time as her.

















The last picture of healthy Tallulah, taken by Paul about a week ago. She was so excited about her food that she was only partly on her shelf, rear end hanging over the side, balancing on the tips of her toes! Don't mind the poopy litter box, she was quite the prolific pooper and the picture was taken on cage cleaning night. That cage she was in was small, but she spent a lot of time every day out and she was going to get a much bigger NIC cage as soon as she and Skyler were bonded.






Tallulah after she died, wrapped in her hay green towel. She looks so very peaceful, don't you think? It looks like she's cuddled in and sleepy. If someone had handed her to me wrapped in that towel and I didn't know, I honestly would think she was just very comfy. These pictures comfort me a little bit, I hope they do the same for you all.











I have more pictures, some rather heartbreaking (like the last one of her face before she died, she looked so helpless), some sweet close ups of her nose and tail and ears. Pictures I was never able to get while she was living because she was much too busy to sit there and let me take them. 

Paul will be flying to Texas for a conference early tomorrow morning and won't be back until Wednesday. I know that isn't that long, but I really want to be with him right now.


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## slavetoabunny

Tallulah looks like she is at peace. Sleep well little girl.


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## mouse_chalk

Thank you for uploading those pictures of Tallulah, Shiloh, the ones of her and Skyler meeting are so precious, she looks happy too... 

The final pictures of her just look so peaceful, and so beautiful as she always was...

I'm so sorry that you have to be on your own as well, when you're going through so much... 

:hug1Jen xxx


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## LuvaBun

Oh Shiloh, those pictures are so touching. I have to say that I teared up at the last ones - she looks so peaceful!

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

I'm glad you all like the pictures. I think I need to not look at the ones right before she died, they make me so sad. She's been gone for four whole days, I can't believe it. Time for her to come back now, I think. Miss you, Miss Mae.


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## Coco0457

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> I miss you so much, baby girl! I can't believe you've been gone for 3 days. It feels like so much longer  Paul took Skyler to the vet for me today and he brought home the container I dropped Tallulah's little body off at the vet in. I didn't get the towel back, I requested that they wrap her in it again after the necropsy. I'd imagine she's either being cremated now or is in a freezer waiting. I hate the idea of her being frozen, it's so unnatural, and I also hate the idea of her being burned. I just hate the idea of her being gone. If I had a good place to bury her, I may have, but we're renting our apartment and I wouldn't want to leave her behind when we move away. At least now I'll have her ashes forever, just like Cinnabun's. I actually sculpted a larger than life statue of Cinnabun a couple summers ago during a ceramics class I took at the university, I hollowed it out and put a little opening with a lid on the back. It's his urn. I couldn't find a manufactured urn special enough, so I had to make my own. I don't know yet what I'll do with Mae's ashes. I wish she were like a phoenix and could be born again from her own ashes. I know that's silly though.
> 
> Sorry I'm rambling, like I said I'm tired and missing my girl.
> 
> Montana, I'll send you the pictures and videos of her last few minutes. The videos might be disturbing (though not graphic) because you can see how listless she was... I'm not sure whether they'll be a comfort or not, but for some reason I felt compelled to make them. I still need to upload them to Photobucket though. Please remember to take videos of your bunnies in addition to just photographs!




Dear Shiloh:

you wrote:

*I wish she were like a phoenix and could be born again from her own ashes. I know that's silly though.*

I don't think that is silly at ALL, Shiloh!!

:hearts:


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## SnowyShiloh

For the people who want to see the last two videos I took of Tallulah, here they are. They were taken about 15 minutes before she died. You can see how very lethargic she was, in the first one she did move a little bit a couple times, but that's it. Her nose was hardly moving and you can see that she was breathing shallowly. At one point, I lift up the pouch of fluids on her right side, the vet injected her with them so she'd stay hydrated. You can see how heavy it was because the weight pulled the orange spots that went down her back off to the side!

In the second one, you can see the urine on her tummy from when she peed while lying in her litter box, and you can see some of the bloody mucus stains on her feet and tail. The vet tried to feed her Critical Care and that's what's all over her face and chest  You can see that she isn't supporting her head at all, she was like a rag doll. She looked so heartbreakingly pitiful :cry4:


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## mouse_chalk

Oh, poor little baby Tallulah, I don't know what to say, that's started me off crying all over again for her... Poor little baby, she didn't deserve to go so soon...  Thank you for posting them though... That must have been so hard for you to do...

*biggest hugs* xxx

:rainbow:


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## Coco0457

oh, poor Tallulah!! you did not deserve to leave so soon...:tears2:...poor Baby!! my heart is broken over this!! 

thank you, for posting those videos, Shiloh!! 

Tallulah!! you are such a sweetheart!! you are very much missed, but Love will keep you 'alive'... :bunnyheart...

much LOVE, Nicole

XOXOXO


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## SnowyShiloh

I've been looking at urns online this afternoon, but none of them seem right. I like this one the best so far:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B000NOBBSS/ref=ord_cart_shr?%5Fencoding=UTF8&m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&v=glance

She wasn't a white straight eared bunny, but I think it's sweet anyway. Also, it's probably supposed to be a sugar bowl, but who cares?

I'm glad you two looked at the videos, Jen and Nicole! So sad


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## AngelnSnuffy

Shiloh, I just watched the vids, that second one reminds me of Angel. You poor thing, I am still so sorry. I wish there was something I could do or say, but it just takes time, at least with me it did. Of course, I had so many friends from here helping me along, that helped so much. So, just talk when you need to and pm me or any of us, we're glad to help. I know, hon.


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## Coco0457

Shiloh:

I think the Fitz and Floyd Bowl is kind of cute 

Did you get your baby's ashes back yet??? poor Tallulah!! I miss her!! she is such a sweet little girl!! that is just SOOO unfair, that she is gone...



Have you looked at this website??? They have some urns too:

http://www.atpeace.com



Sending you bunnyhugs and snuggly snuggles your way, to make you feel better!!

You are in my thoughts!!

*hugs*, Nicole

ink iris:


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## SnowyShiloh

I dreamed about Tallulah for the first time ever last night. It's weird, I have a lot of dreams, but I never dreamed about her when she was living, and I don't think I've ever dreamed about Rory or Skyler either. I dreamed about her a couple times last night. I don't remember much from one of them, but in the other, it was a very black night and I was in the ocean with about 10 other people, and we were riding on the flat back of a very large fish. The fish was gliding along quickly just under the surface of the water, so we were sitting in about an inch or two of water. I was cradling Tallulah's dead body in my arms and a young guy with dark hair was sitting next to me petting her head. I was sitting on the edge of the fish, and I told him to grab her from me if I fell off the fish's back so she would stay safe. The fact that she was dead didn't seem to disturb him and he promised to take her if I fell. At one point, I started falling backwards into the water and I held onto her tight against my chest so I wouldn't lose her. She started scrambling because she was scared of the water and I held her very tightly and she scratched my neck up accidentally, making it bleed, but no way was I going to let go. That was it. I think the other dream involved her also being dead, but showing signs of life like taking a breath.

When I was about 12 and Cinnabun was two years old, I had a somewhat similar dream. I dreamed I was standing on the beach during the day time, listening to music on a walkman, and Cinnabun was sitting at my feet, several feet away from the where the waves were coming in. Suddenly, a wave reached out and caught him and pulled him into the water. I tore off the walkman and ran into the ocean after him as the tide carried him out. He was always just a little too far away for me to grab, my fingers would graze his wet fur, but I couldn't grab him. I kept swimming towards him, and night suddenly fell. I could still see him in front of me though because his eyes were glowing bright yellow. I kept trying for hours to get him, but the waves always pulled him away. Thankfully, Cinny lived five more years after that. After he did die though, I had many dreams about him, and dreamed about him again the nights my grandmothers died. A month or so after he died, I saw a dead opossum in the road and that night, I dreamed Cinny came hopping out from behind the couch, then rolled onto the carpet and turned gray and his mouth became huge and hung open like the opossum's mouth. 

As a side note, Cinnabun never suddenly did so called "dead bunny flops" in real life, the only time was in that dream, so the term DBF kind of freaks me out. Rory does do them though and moves exactly like Cinnabun did in that dream, which was the first time I "saw" a bunny do one. That's why I was scared the first time I saw Rory do a DBF! We prefer to call them El Floppos.

So, anyone good at translating dreams and want to give a go at the Tallulah dream?


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## SnowyShiloh

Today Tallulah has been gone for one week. In an hour or so, it will be exactly 7 days since I realized how ill she was. I'll be at work at 7:20, the approximate time she died. I'm sure I'll have my eyes on the clock. I don't have much time to write because I have to finish getting ready for work, but Tallulah is still greatly missed here and she's still always, _always_ on my mind, no matter what I'm doing. I didn't sleep well last night thinking about her, and I woke up with my head at the foot of the bed! I remembered that Paul has a few pictures of her on his computer that I never got to see, I'm going to ask him if we can find them tonight and I'll share them with you.

Binky in peace, sweet girl! Your mama loves you always.


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## Jenk

I can make one guess regarding one aspect of your dream: the water. (I think I'm qualified due to the dream that I had, about which I've PM'd you.) 

If I recall correctly, water, as a symbol, is tied to the concept of emotion. That being the case, I'm thinking that the rough waters in our dreams indicate our emotional state (and the rougher the waters, the more up-and-down our emotional states).

Jenk


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## mouse_chalk

I can't believe she's been gone a week! I miss her so much, even though I never met her, I can't imagine how it must be for you... 

I'm glad that Paul's back from his conference though, so you don't have to be on your own...

Tallulah, I sure hope you're doing tons of binkies up there! 
:rainbow:

Jen xx


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## cheryl

Oh no..i'm sorry for your loss...Tallulah was a special little girl

Sleep peacefully little one

Cheryl


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## SnowyShiloh

Cheryl, thank you for your condolences, and thank you to Jen and Nicole and anyone else who keep reading my updates!  I need to type a long entry, but again, I have to work today. Yesterday I spoke with my boss and requested to work fewer hours for a couple weeks, maybe more aroun 25 than the 45 I have this week. The schedule for next week has already been made, so the fewer hours would be the week after this. They even called on my one day off this week to ask if I could work 9 hours that day! I need time to recuperate without having to work, and time to focus on Skyler's illness. Also, I need to do some more EMT classes so need time for that. I'm going to turn in my application to work at the vet office. I think my talents are better suited to working at a vet office, and if the buns or birdies ever get sick, I don't need to worry about leaving them because I can just take them to work with me! 

We've decided to get another bunny when the time is right, probably a Holland Lop again. I need a little girl to love, and I want Skyler to have a little friend so he doesn't have to be alone. Rory is a big fat grumpalump who doesn't seem to like other bunnies, so I'm more concerned with getting Sky a buddy. Even though Skyler will be well recovered from his neuter by then, I plan to keep them apart for at least a month or so so I can bond with the new bunny first. I wish there were some way for Tallulah's soul to come back in the form of my new bunny! Last night I fell asleep thinking of her binkying in heaven and it was so nice, thank you Jen for giving me that mental image. She wasn't much of a binkier in life, so it's good to picture her feeling so good and being so happy!


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## Coco0457

Hi Shiloh!! It's hard to believe it has passed beyond a week, that Tallulah has left for the Rainbow Bridge  poor girl!! 

I can't believe they call you in for work like that. They don't appear to be much caring. I hope you can start your work at the vets soon!! sounds like a plan 

Did the vet ever tell you, what her exact cause of death was??? I still can't believe it...

Binky free, little one...

ink iris:


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## SnowyShiloh

Nicole, I'm still waiting to hear exactly what her cause of death was. Skyler has another vet appointment on Tuesday and we're going to talk about Tallulah then as well. Please hope that Skyler gets better quickly and we don't have to go to the vet again for a long time! 

It's finally beginning to sink in for me that Tallulah is gone and won't be coming back. It's a relief in some ways because I'm not looking for her as much and then feeling a rush of pain when I remember she's not here. I'm getting used to the idea that she won't be living out her life with me, and that she and Skyler won't be the adorable little pair I've imagined since we first decided to bring Sky home. Instead, I imagine her and Cinnabun cuddling and playing together in heaven. I'm able to smile some now and feel happiness over other things, but I'm constantly aware that she's gone, her death is right below the surface and I'm almost always thinking about it. It's weird, sometimes work is good because it's a distraction, but other times I just want to go home and have some peace. 

I think about how soft and fluffy her fur was, really, you all would have been amazed! She had such long, fine hairs that were SO soft and silky. She had the coat of a little bunny still. It was more adultlike than when I first got her (she was just a poofball then), but still very babylike. Is it just me, or did Tallulah always look very babyish? Keep in mind that in the pictures I posted above, the most recent ones were at the beginning and the pictures of her younger were near the end. She weighed about 2 1/3 pounds a week before she died, and she was pleasantly plump, so you can tell she was a little one.

Well, I have to go to work in a few hours, so I should get some sleep.


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## LuvaBun

Aww Shiloh, I wish I could stop the hurt!

Tallulah did look kinda very young, maybe because she had such an inquisitive, wide eyed look. She did seem like such a little fluffy girl - it's so hard to think she has gone 

Jan


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## Bunnicula

Shiloh,

I haven't been on RO for a few weeks...and I hate that this is the first thread I am reading.

So sorry for your loss. Tallulah was one of the cutest bunnies ever. I can just see her sweet disposition coming through in every one of her pictures.

I wish there were something I could say to take away the pain or make you feel better, but I know there are no words...

Simply know that there are so many of us who share in this with you and care.

~Mary Ellen


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## jcl_24

Shiloh,
I didn't know Tallulah in the same way other members here did, but from your posts and the love expressed for her by other RO members,I havea little idea of how special a bunny she was. I'm sorry for your loss. In time may you think of all your happy memories of Tallulah. 

:rainbow:ink iris:Hop roundat the bridge sweet girl.

Jo xx


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## SnowyShiloh

I'm so excited! Tallulah's breeder just e-mailed me to say that her mom, Olivia, just gave birth to 6 little babies! One of her other rabbits just gave birth to 1 baby, so she gave 2 of the babies to the other mom to foster. She also sent me a picture of Olivia and one of Tallulah's brother, Solo! Olivia is so sweet, she has Mae Mae's face and her markings, though her color is a little lighter. She just took the pictures today, the one of Olivia was just a little while before she went into labor.

Olivia:






Brother Solo:





Aren't they cute? It makes me happy to see them. I really hope the little ones make it, Randy's going to contact her and give her some treatment advice since her rabbitry has been having trouble with the same thing Tallulah had and she's lost 7 babies to it in the past month and a half. She said she plans to start treating the babies with antibiotics at 3 weeks old to try to keep it from developing.

I have to get ready for work, but just wanted to share this with all of you!


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## mouse_chalk

Wow Shiloh, I can't believe how much Olivia looks like Tallulah! Bless her. And Solo is so cute as well...

I'm glad to hear that Randy's going to be helping her treat her babies, I've got to say that if anyone can help, it's him! I hope that whatever is going on with her babies can be stopped so they can be healthy, and she wont lost anymore...

I hope you're doing ok too hon... :hug:

Jen xx


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## cheryl

My goodness...Tallulah really does look so much like her mum...that is so sweet...and Solo..oh my he's adorable...i love his colouring....what a gorgeous family.

You know,i wasn't on the forum for a while when Tallulah died,but when i came back and logged on i was quite shocked that you had lost your little baby.

:hug:

~Cheryl


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## XxMontanaxX

I was at walmart today cruising through the isles, and something caught my eye. It was a rabbit puzzle and the rabbit looked a lot like Tallulah, so I bought it.

And Olivia is beautiful. :inlove:


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## LuvaBun

Goodness, Tallulah was like her mom :shock:. I hope the babies do OK :?

Jan


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## jcl_24

The resemblance between Tallulah and her mum is so close. Two beautifulrabbits 

:hearts

Jo xx


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## SnowyShiloh

I got Tallulah's ashes back today when I brought Skyler to the vet! They are in a plastic bag with her name on it inside of a little white cardboard box with her name written on it and a pretty ribbon carefully glued to the lid. I like that they didn't just return her in a Ziploc baggy but put her ashes in a decorated box. It's a bit of a comfort to have her ashes with me. I decided to buy a wooden music jewelry box for her ashes instead of the little bunny dish. I'm wanting to get this one here: http://www.jewelryboxes.com/music-boxes-&-trinket-boxes/music-boxes/butterfliesinlayburlelmmusicbox.cfm

It is pretty and girly, just like her. I like the butterflies. I found a picture of another jewelry box made by the same company, this Edelweiss box is a little smaller but shows what the inside will look like:

http://www.musichouseshop.com/store/bst10-edelw.html

So, not a whole lot of space for the ashes (I'll also put her whiskers and bit of fur I trimmed in it), but I really like that you can see the inner workings of the music box. I've always loved music boxes and now I'll finally have one. It seems so much more cheerful than an urn and more representative of the happiness her life brought me.

What do you all think? There are several songs I can pick from, which should I choose? I actually wish Edelweiss were one of the songs to pick from with the butterfly box! Also, the company doesn't ship to Alaska, so I'll need to work something out onder: Anyone feel like letting me ship the box to them, then you shipping it on to me? I will of course pay for the shipping. It shouldn't be more than $10.

Edited to say, I also like this one and it would have more space to store her ashes. I can pick Edelweiss as the song for this one, unlike the butterfly box. Decisions, decisions!

http://www.jewelryboxes.com/music-boxes-&-trinket-boxes/music-boxes/trunkboxlightbluemusicbox.cfm


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## Jenk

SnowyShiloh, that's a _beautiful _music jewelry box.As long as you're following your heart on this matter (and I think that you are), you can't go wrong. (Although I wonder...Is a felt interior "safe" for storing ashes? It may be just fine.Perhaps the plastic bag would insulate them just fine.)

I can tell from your more recent postings that your heart is in the early stages of healing. Your words convey a lighter feeling, as though some of the emotional weight is lifting from your heart; I sincerely hope that is the case.

ink iris:


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## Bunnicula

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Also, the company doesn't ship to Alaska, so I'll need to work something out onder: Anyone feel like letting me ship the box to them, then you shipping it on to me? I will of course pay for the shipping. It shouldn't be more than $10.



I think the music boxes are lovely and would be great options for a memorial resting place for her ashes.

Also, I would be delighted to have it shipped to me...and I would get it immediately to you. With school being out, I am generally home if any deliveries come...and I could head right to the post office to ship to you.

PM me if you are interested.

~Mary Ellen


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## slavetoabunny

I found some that may interest you.

This box can have Tallulah's picture etched in marble on the top of the box:

http://www.epicmerchandise.com/205.html

This is a music box (Edelweiss is available) that has a photo insert on the top:

http://www.bizrate.com/jewelryboxes/oid711968955__nwylf--.html

Personalized pet urns:

http://www.memorial-urns.com/wooden_pet_urns.html

Rabbit figurine urns:

http://petscaskets.com/index.html?lang=en-us&target=d56.html

Just a few more ideas to contemplate. Hope this helps.

Patti


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## Jenk

Patti,

Those are really nice, too. I especially like the bunny urns; the figurines have such soft-looking eyes--as only bunnies (and deer) do.


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## Marietta

The music box is such a wonderful and original idea! I love it! 

Plus that I can't help but stating that the participation and support shown in this thread, as well as in all the forums here, makes me feel proud to belong to the big, international RO family!!! :hearts::hearts:hearts: 

Marietta


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## LuvaBun

I love all the ideas - and Edelweiss is souch a moving melody.

I think it's comforting to have Tallulahs ashes back - I know when I got both Fudge's and Perry's back, it felt like they were 'home'.

Bunnicula, you are so kind to offer to help out 

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

Patti, thanks for all the ideas! I really appreciate you looking around for me. Those are really lovely. I found another picture frame music box that I like, too. I think I like the flowery wooden boxes for her best though, especially the blue one. It's so cheerful and pretty and makes me think of her when she was living, rather than just focus on her death. Other urns are lovely too, but naturally make me think of death. Who knows, maybe I'll buy a pretty music box for each bunny in the future. Don't want to think too much about that though!

Mary Ellen, thank you so much for offering to ship the box on for me! That's so kind of you. Like Marietta and Jan said, I love how supportive and helpful this forum is- you offering to send Tallulah's music box on to me and JAK Rabbitry sending me Skyler (and both Rosie and Katie offering their homes to him when we thought he'd have to stop off in California or Anchorage for a couple days on his way here) are just a couple examples. It's really so wonderful. I love this forum!

I really like reading all the comments people have written. It's good to know people are still reading this thread. I update it for myself too, but it's nice to know Tallulah hasn't been forgotten. Like Jan said, it is comforting to have Miss Mae's ashes back with me. I'm glad I opted to have her privately cremated. Her ashes have been riding around in my purse since yesterday afternoon! I suppose it might be kind of grim to think of opening your purse and seeing them, but it's kind of comforting. I'm glad I can keep what's left of her for the rest of my life. I'm going to try to find a pretty glass bottle to pour the ashes into before putting them in the music box, since it seems more permanent than a plastic bag. I've looked into getting a necklace with a pendant that you can put a little ash in, but they're all really big and unwieldy. I'll keep looking around. 

Yesterday we were at a jewelry store though and I saw the most perfect necklace, it made me think of Tallulah immediately. It's hard to describe, but I'll try. It was an amethyst heart and it was cut so the surface was made up of little diamond shapes. Above the larger amethyst was a little gold heart covered with tiny pink stones. It was on a gold chain. Just lovely. I'm usually not one for jewelry, but I really wanted this necklace. Unfortunately, the pendant alone was $210 and I can't really justify spending that much right now. It was so sweet though.

I'm glad you all like Tallulah's mom and brother, too! I think they are very sweet. Tallulah's breeder described Olivia as big and ugly with long ears, but I think she's beautiful. I've been entertaining the idea of asking the breeder if I can adopt Olivia when she's reached the end of her breeding years. I'm concerned though that she might be carrying whatever killed Tallulah and that I could be dangerously exposing Rory, Skyler (I started typing Tallulah there, I still always think of having 3 bunnies) and any future bunnies to something that could hurt them. I have to put their needs before my needs. I also really, really want one of Tallulah's sisters if I can't have Olivia, but I'm worried again about exposing the other bunnies and about possibly going through the same thing with another bunny.

Jen said that it seems like I'm beginning to heal, and that's true. I am. I can laugh and smile a lot more, and recall the happy times with Tallulah. Tallulah's cage is on a rolling stand and the door opens down like an oven door, and Paul and I were laughing about her "door issues". Once when the door was open, she decided to jump in but was standing under the door at the time, so when she jumped she succeeded in slamming the door shut but was stuck outside still! And once I closed the door when she was out because I was cleaning the cage and it was soaking with vinegar and hydrogen peroxide, but I guess she didn't notice because she launched herself right into the closed door. Poor baby, so undignified! Paul's presence and support has helped me a lot, and so have Rory and Skyler. I was surprised because after she died, I didn't want as much to do with them. I mean, I took care of them and talked to them and cuddled them, but my heart wasn't in it and I just wanted to be doing all those things with Tallulah. I can get joy out of watching the boys play again now. I also like imagining Tallulah playing in heaven and cuddling with Cinny.

I have bad times still though. I miss her like mad even though I can smile now. It's disturbing to me that her face is becoming blurred in my memory. I've always had trouble remembering faces. I'm so thankful for the pictures I took of her, they help me remember her different facial expressions. I'm going to get some of my favorite pictures of her printed out large and framed. I bring a few of her pictures with me to work every day and have them in my locker to admire on my breaks. I'm thankful that I still remember how soft and lovely her fur was, though. I still cry about her and feel guilt over her death. I talked about it with the vet some yesterday, and she assured me that I did the best I could for her and she was loved and got good care, but part of me wondered if the vet was just saying that. I wish Tallulah's breeder had told me about the babies that died, maybe she would still be alive then since I would have brought her in to be tested and then had her treated with antibiotics to kick the coccidia and clostridium. I would have taken it as more of an emergency when she first started getting heavy (she died on Thursday and she started getting heavier on Tuesday). She was acting normal though, better than she had when she was sick before, no poop issues and the day before she died, I was happy to see that she seemed to be losing the excess weight again. My poor darling. 

I'm trying to remember her as a healthy, happy little bun, but I think of her death and how listless she was before she died. I said this before and I still think it's true, but before she died, I could still see her in there. It was like she was losing touch with her body, but she was still there. She didn't look scared to me. Looking at the video, can anyone see her eyes? Do they look glazed over and lifeless to you or not? When Cinnabun got really sick, his eyes were completely vacant, but Tallulah's didn't seem to be. Maybe I was imagining it.

This might sound weird, but I feel a little guilty for beginning to heal after Tallulah's death. I've used this thread (which I think of as a blog, actually) to describe some of my grief, but a lot of what I've thought didn't get written here. I want my little girl to be properly remembered. I love imagining her in heaven, but I worry that it's not real and she's really and truly gone forever. No sweet bunny soul to know eternal love and peace. I want to think of her frolicking in meadows waiting for the day we can be together again, but I worry it's just something people come up with to help themselves feel better.

Tallulah, I still think of you all the time and I love and miss you. I still find myself looking for you around the apartment and when I talk about my bunnies with customers at work, I don't mention your death. I hope you're feeling happy and at peace! And please try to help your newborn brothers and sisters grow up healthy and strong.


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## SnowyShiloh

Last night I e-mailed a seemingly very reputable Holland Lop breeder in Seattle, and she e-mailed me back just a minute ago! I didn't tell her at all what Tallulah looks like, but she sent a picture of this little bun who needs a home:







CUTE or what? I probably won't be getting another bunny for at least a couple of months still (need to get Skyler healthy first and recover financially from all the vet bills, plus I need to heal more from Mae Mae's death), but this little one made me smile.


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## Bunnicula

Oh my word! That bunny from Seattle is adorable. It would be hard not to snatch her up in a minute...but sometimes you have to stop yourself.

We, too, have had each of our animal friends individually cremated. I would bury their remains in the yard, but I have this "thing" about wanting them with me. Our vet always cuts a lock of hair and gives it to us before sending the body out for cremation, so we have those, too.

Just thought I'd share some pics with you of our little "shrines." All of our Rainbow Bridge kitties and bunny sit atop the computer desk. Much like you want to choose the perfect music box, I have little special mementos with each box of remains that remind me of the individual animal.











Those are Stewart's remains. The creamatory packaged the ashes in a sealed plastic bag with a little flower on top. They also provide the lovely carved wooden box. As you may be able to see, the boxes are not lined inside with any type of fabric. Here is my little memorial to Stewart:






Rebound & Tigger were also cremated at the same location. Their boxes are similar. Rebound was a beautiful tuxedo kitty...and Tiggy was disabled and unable to use his back legs. Thus, I imagine he's got "wings" on the other side of the bridge.











Sunkist was euthanized by the emergency pet hospital, and a different crematory handled his remains. His box is shaped differently, but is quite similar. His ashes are in a velvet bag...but inside of it they are sealed in plastic. His box also arrived with a brass plate that has his name engraved. He was my sweet angel kitty who was always by my side.











He and Rebound were good buds as old men, so their ashes are displayed next to one another...along with a photo of them sharing the sofa together.






Rebound was the first to pass, and we did have a special urn made for him. It is a lovely piece of pottery (my friend's hubby is a potter) with his name and a kitty image on it. It is lovely, but we decided not to use it for his remains as the others have similar boxes which are really easy to display anywhere. Instead, we keep the pottery piece in our dining room as another special memory of him (it really looks like a pottery jar and not an urn). They custom make urns at the pottery all the time. He recommended that if we did pour the ashes into it we would want to seal the lid to the container so that no moisture would get inside and cause the remains to get moldy - something to think about if you open the plastic currently sealing Tallulah's ashes.

Another tradition I have that keeps me connected to my Rainbow Bridge friends is that at Christmas time I have a tiny artificial tree that I decorate with animal ornaments (mostly kitty & bunny...though I have birds and other favorite animals). I place their boxes underneath that tree and pictures of them close by. It may sound weird...but it's my way of honoring their memory and importance in my life.

Hope you don't mind my hijacking your thread... Sharing with you has been healing for me, also. I think it is good that you "blog" at this thread to cope with your feelings.

~Mary Ellen


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## pumpkinandwhiskersmom

All of the love and care that everyone shows here is so unbelievable. The music box, and the memorials that you each have for the loves of your lives are inspiring. It's so comforting to have a place to go where folks understand how much you love your special friends, and how important it is to share with each other when one of our loved ones goes to the Bridge.

Tallulah was so beautiful, and it's so cool to see her family's pics. All of the photos you have of her will keep her lovely face fresh in your mind. Her heart and her soul are already part of you, and will live on in you until you meet again. We'll keep you in our prayers,SnowyShiloh.


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## SnowyShiloh

Sweet baby Mae, you've been gone two weeks now. Soon you'll be gone longer than you were here


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Sweet baby Mae, you've been gone two weeks now. Soon you'll be gone longer than you were here


That is a sobering statement....I didn't even realize that it's already been two weeks. But the passage of time is a blessing in some ways, especially asit allows for healing, for becoming strong enough to again risk loving another. :hearts:

If I could wave a magic wand and make it seems as though you were _many_months removed from this experience, so that you felt healed, I surely would.:hug:


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## pumpkinandwhiskersmom

Thinking of you, SnowyShiloh. May your pain be eased by sweet memories of your lovely girl.


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## SnowyShiloh

Sorry I've not replied to any of you guys! I've been working a lot lately and am pretty tired when I'm off work. I haven't been feeling that well lately and have been having some cardiac issues the past few days- kind of scary!

Anyway, Mary Ellen, your set up is beautiful. Those wooden boxes are just lovely. The carvings are so nice and I like how you personalized each pet's area. Yesterday I saw a beautiful bamboo picture frame at work (hooray for working at a place that gives you never ending ideas of what to spend your money on!), I want to buy one tomorrow and print out a big picture of Tallulah to put in it, then hang it on the wall in the living room. The frame was at least 11 by 14. I will possibly use this picture, since it's one of my favorites and the one I find myself looking at the most:






This was when she was 9 weeks old, just a week after I got her. For our first couple days together, she was so nervous and always ran away from me and would try to get away when I held her, but just a week later she would lay on her back like this so trusting. She amazed me with how quickly she adjusted. 

Jenk, I think what you said is spot on. I typed this in your thread about your bunnies, and I think it's worth putting here too: After Tallulah's death, I've asked myself if I would have taken her as an 8 week old baby if I'd known how soon she would have died. If I just knew she was going to die at 7 months, I would have backed off and got a bunny elsewhere. But if I'd also known how much LOVE we would have shared with each other, and how much I would come to adore her, I think I would have taken her anyway. The amount of love we crammed into five months was worth it, even though her death has broken my heart. I love her life more than I hate her death, so I could never regret having her. My theory is that even though I will always be worrying about my bunnies and they WILL die sooner or later, they fill my heart with so much love and happiness that I'd rather have to live with the pain of their illnesses and deaths than the emptiness of not having them at all.

It feels like it's been soooo long since I held her, and I would give anything to hold her again, pet her soft fur and kiss her little noggin, or see her running across the floor getting into things. Even now I catch myself glancing in her cage or looking at Rory's cage, part of me expecting to see her sitting there. One of her favorite places was right by Rory's cage because she liked him so much, even though he didn't like her. In fact, the afternoon of the day she died, when I opened her cage and saw she was so ill, she hopped out of her cage and ran over to sit by him. Rory never knew what he was missing, though I'm glad he doesn't have to handle the heartbreak of losing her companionship. I wonder if he does miss her at all. But at the same time, I'm sad that she never got the bunny friendship she clearly wanted. If she were still alive, I would have started bonding her and Skyler this week since it's been 6 weeks after his neuter. Skyler is a very loving bunny, just like her, and I'll be glad when we have another little bunny to be his friend. 

My heart absolutely yearns for another little Holland Lop girl, a baby. Not just because babies are cute and fluffy, but in some way I think having another baby girl bunny will help me heal more. I thought of Tallulah as a baby her entire life because she was so little and cute, and I think "starting over" and getting to experience having a little Holland Lop that grows into an adult will be soothing, since I never got to see Tallulah grow up. Does that make sense? The heart wants what the heart wants.

I think I want to call my next bunny Anastasia Mabel. I think of Tallulah and the new bunny as being very connected, and Anastasia means "reborn". As ridiculous as this sounds, I "asked" God if maybe he would consider sending her back to me in the form of my new rabbit. I know, that sounds crazy... I'm not actually expecting the new rabbit to be her, and am not expecting her to behave the same as Tallulah, but what can I say? Anyway, I also think Anastasia is a very pretty name, and we can call her Bunanna! We considered naming Tallulah "Annabel" instead so we could call her Bunanna . Mabel because it's similar to Tallulah's middle name, Maesie, and I think it would be cute to give all my girl bunnies matching middle names. We can call her Anna Mae, how cute is that? I also like Zipporah, Hannelore, Tabitha (which Tallullah was named for about 4 hours) and a couple others though, so we'll see when the time comes. I've always liked thinking about names and trying to find the perfect one. 

Well, I need to think about heading to bed! Thanks for reading :hug:


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## SOOOSKA

Oh Shiloh, you re such a wise young lady. I had tears in my eyes reading your blog about your Sweet Litte Tallulah.

I just cannot express my sorrow at you losing such an important part of your life far too soon.

I am thinking about youand will say a prayer that it will get easier as time goes by.

Hugs to you.

Susan


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## XxMontanaxX

Anastasia is such a beautiful name, I love it.

This looks pretty horrible, but I wanted to try and draw Tallulah from my favorite picture of her.


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## SnowyShiloh

Aw, Montana, that drawing is SO cute! You did a really good job! It made me smile all big. The flowers around her are perfect, too. Her little cheeks are so adorable... Very nicely done! Have you been enjoying your Tallulah look alike puzzle? I am curious about what exactly the bunny looks like, I want a Tallulah puzzle! And Susan, thank you for the good thoughts and prayers  I'm glad that you've read all this!

I went to Petco yesterday to buy more bunny food (and found that most of the brand I get had expired in May, so I hauled it all to the front and they threw it away) and saw the baby bunnies all the way across the store. My eyes immediately went to a little lop, white with orange ears and orange cheeks. My heart did a huge flip flop leaping thing. When I got closer, it turns out the bunny had orange and black "freckles" all over it's body. So, it didn't look that much like Tallulah (the face and ears and body shape were also different), but it was really cute. They all were. I feel so sad for them, being hauled away from their moms and siblings, fixed at such a young age, shipped to the store and then put in a big cage with a bunch of other strange bunnies. I've noticed that none of the bunnies ever look like siblings. Poor babies 

I still haven't decided on which music box to get for Tallulah. The sweet little blue trunk one it turns out doesn't have a spot to put her ashes, the entire thing is taken up by the music part. So that one's ruled out! I'm also leaning towards something a little bigger, probably one of these... They are rather pricy, but it's worth it to me.

This one I like the best, but it's a good $50 more than any of the others and I'm uncertain of how much space it will have inside because of the shape:

http://www.jewelryboxes.com/music-boxes-&-trinket-boxes/music-boxes/roseandbutterflymusicbox.cfm

This one will be approximately the same size, I think the bouquet of flowers is sweet:

http://www.jewelryboxes.com/music-boxes-&-trinket-boxes/music-boxes/floralbouquetmusicbox.cfm

This one is the same size as the previous one, I think it's quite lovely and like that it has a butterfly and flowers, but the design seems a little too... formal or something for Tallulah. What do you think?

http://www.jewelryboxes.com/music-b...onalitalianrosewithbutterflyinlaymusicbox.cfm

This one is smaller, but pretty and the bird is cute! It's not a hummingbird, but nice nonetheless.

http://www.jewelryboxes.com/music-boxes-&-trinket-boxes/music-boxes/birdonflowerwhitemusicbox.cfm

What do you think?


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## mouse_chalk

Shiloh, I'm so sorry I've not posted here for a while! I've kept up with your 'blog' though and I think it's a very beautiful tribue to Tallulah... 

I think that all the jewellery boxes are beautiful, I especially like the last one and the first one the best, but I know you will make a good choice. 

I had a look at the breeder's website, and although I don't know too much about breeding, the breeder does look to be very reputable, and I do know that she has some gorgeous bunnies! I love them all. I know it must be a really hard decision for you to get another bunny, or think about it so soon, but I believe that bunnies can heal. Also, any rabbit that gets to be in your care, even if only for a short time is extremely lucky, so I'm so glad you would consider opening your home to another :hug:

I hope you're doing ok, you're still in my thoughts such a lot! 

Jen xx

P.S Montana, that drawing is AMAZING! It looks so much like Tallulah!:hug:


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## Dragonrain

I never knew little Tallulah when she was alive, I don't come here much usually. But I just read through this whole topic and couldn't help but to cry. Although her life was so short, you gave her such a great life and she was very very lucky to have had you. I hope that someday the pain subsides enough for you to be able to bring another bunny into your life so you can show him/her as much love as you did Tallulah, and hopefully for a much longer time! 

Reading through your posts reminds me to never take a single day with my buns for granted - because no matter how long they're here with us for, it's never long enough. 

I'm very sorry for your loss. RIP Tallulah. She was beatiful and will never be forgotten, I'm sure.


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## SnowyShiloh

Dragonrain, you would have loved Tallulah if you'd ever met her, she was so darling! When we went to Anchorage to get Skyler, we left Tallulah with our friends because I didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone for a number of reasons. One of the friends is pretty allergic to bunnies and had to take a lot of allergy medications the whole time she was there, but she managed to charm him anyway and his girlfriend said she'd overhear him sweet talking to her and he wanted to put their hamster's cage right by her's so she wouldn't get lonely! 

I miss my baby a lot. Reading the threads of bunnies who have died recently is so disturbing. On the morning she died, I looked at the Rainbow Bridge forum and was so thankful my babies were okay, or so I thought. How terrible to be posting in the same forum just a few hours later.

I can't believe she's been gone for 4 weeks as of tomorrow, the time has gone so quickly. I haven't taken her cage down yet for sentimental reasons, and I STILL glance in it looking for her sometimes. Considering how dry it is here, it's interesting that there's still water bowl in her water glass (I bought a heavy bottomed bourbon glass for her to drink out of because it's slightly taller than it is wide so she couldn't fling as much weird stuff into it, it was so cute seeing her drink out of it because her little ears would get pushed back by the sides of the glass) and of course there are still pellets in her food bowl and her toys are there.

Tomorrow we're going to the tattoo place to see about getting the tattoo of Tallulah. I'm excited! Tomorrow will probably just be the consultation and fine tuning the drawing I want to use.

A lady here in town who has started the first rabbit rescue e-mailed me a few days ago to say she just got in a spayed Holland Lop girl, very sweet and friendly, who is white with orange spots and a few black spots! I was so excited, but the rabbit rescue has two other completely unrelated does who have been kept apart, and both does had large litters. Every single baby but 2 have died and the vet doesn't know why. I'm afraid there's some illness floating around at her rabbitry that the lop girl could have picked up and brought to Skyler, plus she could have had something else already. The bunny does sound so sweet though and I hope she gets adopted soon! Luckily, I didn't have a picture of her to look at. Also, Paul doesn't think I've had enough time to grieve before getting another rabbit. 

I'm typing on a very tiny keyboard and it's kind of difficult and slow going, so I'm not typing as much as I usually would.


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## SnowyShiloh

For some reason I've been avoiding posting in here the past few days, I don't know why. I know I keep saying this, but I still can't believe my little girl is gone. It's been over a month now! I miss every single little thing about her. In Pernod's thread, someone posted a story about pets at the rainbow bridge and it made me cry so much. Then, Michaela very kindly made me an avatar with all my babies, and it's so odd to see her after the "angel bunnies" slide. She will always be my bouncy little angel girl.

Elf Mommy is going to be making an 11 by 14 inch sketch of Tallulah and Cinnabun. I'm really looking forward to seeing the finished sketch and plan to hang it in the living room. I already have a couple of pictures of her in frames around the house, including on my night stand so I can see her when I wake up. I'm also waiting for the right time to get the tattoo done- unfortunately, I don't know my work schedule until every Friday for the week starting on Sunday, so that means it's difficult to schedule appointments. I may just make an appointment for a few weeks away and then request those days off!

I still miss my baby terribly, and hearing about other bunnies like dear little Pernod dying is awful. The fact that she recovered from her initial illness was a small comfort for me when my girl died. Poor Pernod, Shadow and Jan 

Tomorrow I'm maybe going to take her cage down. I can't decide. Once her cage is gone, it will free up space for my cockatiels' cage, and I know they'd like being downstairs instead of in the bedroom. I still find myself glancing in her cage, but at least I'm not really surprised anymore when she's not there. I do get pangs of sadness still when I do things with Rory and Skyler that I know she would have liked, and I doubt that will ever go away. I bought them a pack of toys and there were three in there, one of which is pink and it would have been hers. She never really played with toys, but she had so many because I was always trying to find something she'd like and I'd feel guilty if I bought toys for the other two (who like to play with them) but not her! I also bought some fancy organic bunny treats that I know she would have gone wild for, but she won't get any. I've been taking the other two out to play in the yard a lot too, which is something she NEVER got to do and I think she would have really enjoyed it. My mom bought her a pretty pink and brown patterned harness for Christmas, complete with matching leash (very over priced, but so cute!) and she didn't get to use it.

A good thing is that I'm starting to bond with Skyler more. I'd had him for a month before Tallulah died, but her death kind of retarded the growth of our bond. He is very loving and cute and funny, and I gave him the same amount of attention and care as Rory, but I've just had trouble coming to love him like I do my others. The past few days though I've really gotten joy from watching him play. As I type this, he's lying next to me, demanding pets! He also somehow managed to almost delete this entire post, but luckily I saved it!

I guess that's all for now... Thanks for reading!


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## mouse_chalk

I can't believe it's been over a month already! I still tear up when I think that she's gone, and how I cried and cried for you and this beautiful bunny I'd never met  ....

She may have never got to play in the real yard with you, but she is forever playing up in heaven, with Cinnabun and all the other bunnies...

The sketch that Elf Mommy is doing for you is brilliant! So kind as well!

Taking her cage down will be very hard for you, I'm sure, but perhaps having the cockatiels there will give you something to smile about when you glance over to that part of the room...

Big hugs for you as always.... :hug:

Jen xx


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## SnowyShiloh

Jenn, that's so nice that you still think of Tallulah! I read over in the favorite bunnies thread that Tallulah was your favorite. That made me smile  I love your bunnies, too! They're all wonderful and you're lucky to have each other. I was sad for you that Tallulah died the day before your birthday, you said you were having a hard time being happy that day because of her  Happy belated birthday! :balloons:

I did take Mae Mae's cage down. I know I've commented on this before, but it's just amazing to me that her water bowl still had water in it! I have everything that was in her cage in a little bag, even the bit of sisal rope that a toy had hung from. I did throw away her litter box after trying to decide whether or not I should keep it... I don't need to keep everything! It was hard taking down her cage and sanitizing it and putting it away, but now that space is open for the birdies. 

I miss my baby! The pictures of NZminilops' new little girl, Cassidy, makes me want a new Holland Lop baby to snuggle and smooch on sooooo badly. 

It's weird, Paul really likes Skyler and is okay with Rory (he's forgiven him for biting me), but he didn't care for Tallulah much. She never bit him or anything, but he only held her or petted her if she jumped on him and would sometimes ask me to take her off of him. I don't get why he wasn't very fond of her... She did pee on the couch a couple times, but the futon has a removable, washable cover and a rubber sheet under that (Rory peed on the futon the first day we had him so we bought a rubber sheet the next day), so it wasn't really a big deal. It's not like he hated her, he thought she was cute and stuff, but for whatever reason she didn't click with him. When she died, he was more upset that I was upset than sad about her. That's okay, he didn't have to love her or anything, I just envy a little bit the people whose husbands and boyfriends also love their bunnies!


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## SnowyShiloh

Oh, gosh, I can't stop crying! Pipp's boy, Dill, is likely dying right now... she said she's losing him. I know this is weird, but I'm asking Tallulah to tell him to stay with his mama, heaven doesn't need any new bunnies right now. Poor Dill and poor Pipp. I know how helpless and terrified Pipp must be feeling right now, with her baby being dragged toward death. Please hope he gets better.


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Oh, gosh, I can't stop crying! Pipp's boy, Dill, is likely dying right now... she said she's losing him. I know this is weird, but I'm asking Tallulah to tell him to stay with his mama, heaven doesn't need any new bunnies right now. Poor Dill and poor Pipp. I know how helpless and terrified Pipp must be feeling right now, with her baby being dragged toward death. Please hope he gets better.


No, NO, _NO_, *NO*! This can't be happening....:cry4:I, too, am asking Tallulah (and my previously passed-over pets) to ask Dill to please stay with his mama. ray:

Jenk


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## LuvaBun

Shiloh, it is so kind of you to think of Pernod and us, when you are still grieving over Tallulah :hug:. And now Dill, I can't believe how many of our babies are leaving us .

It's hard to think it's been over a month since she has been gone. I was thinking about her in the Patriot Photos thread - she would've looked so cute dressed up for her Stars and Stripes. I can't wait to see the tattoo you are having done - such a wonderful tribute to your baby girl.

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

Poor Dill and Pipp 

I'm really worried about Skyler now because it feels like he has an enlarged cecum, too. And Rory has a runny nose now. They both have Infirmary threads going 

I miss my baby. I've had two dreams about her in the past few days. Well, the first wasn't really a dream... I was in bed asleep and had the window open because it was a hot night. Someone's dog or puppy was crying and whimpering, it was one of the saddest, most pitiful and heart breaking sounds I've ever heard. The sound took a while to wake me up though and instead I was dreaming that something was wrong with Tallulah and she was making that sound. I was frantically looking for her because something was terribly wrong, she was hurt or sick and scared and I couldn't find her. When I finally woke up, I'm not sure if I was relieved to remember it couldn't be her because she can't feel pain anymore, or if I was more disturbed to remember she's dead. 

The other dream was that I was at some private school and a shooter came in and went on a rampage. One of my friends had come to visit me at the school and was shot. The bodies were all put in a room together, their wounds were cleaned up and bandaged for some reason, and they were left there for days while the police investigated. I was able to get into the room and was cradling my friend in my arms, crying and feeling incredibly guilty over her death. When I looked at the bandage over the gunshot wound on the upper right side of her abdomen, I saw bright red blood had seeped through. My friend started moving a little or breathing a little or something- I don't remember what it was, but there was some indication that she had come alive again! I picked her up and carried her to her family to show them that she was alive, and by the time I got there, she had turned into Tallulah. I was holding Tallulah up before them and showed them that although she was limp and her eyes were closed, her nose was wiggling a little bit. None of us seemed confused that my friend had turned into a bunny! I don't really remember what happened after that. 

Also as I was typing that out, I realized that the spot on my friend's abdomen where the gunshot wound that killed her was the same place where her cecum would have been if she were a bunny. It was problem's with Tallulah's cecum that killed her, too.

There's a litter of 10 day old mini lops being fostered down in Anchorage, they have a very sad story. It was interesting to notice that the babies were likely conceived on the day Tallulah died. I had been really hoping to adopt one of the girls, but with Skyler and Rory sick, I don't know if that's going to happen 

So, those are my sad and weird Tallulah dreams, and my worries over my other two bunnies. In happier news, ElfMommy is in the process of making a gorgeous portrait of Tallulah and Cinnabun, and I've commissioned lolbunnies to make a portrait of her too.


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## SnowyShiloh

Well, I'm happy to say that Skyler does not have an enlarged cecum! Thank goodness! I was just overreacting because of what happened to Mae Mae, the vet assured me that he's fine. However, Rory still has a runny nose... He has a vet appointment set up, but I want to get him in sometime sooner.

Nothing has really changed about missing Tallulah. It's always there. At least her cage is gone now though so I don't look at it, half expecting to find her looking up at me. I was at the pet store the other day and bought a pretty new periwinkle and turquoise flowered food bowl for my bunny girl to be, I decided I don't want the new bunny to use Tallulah's little pink food bowl. I bought the pink food bowl for Tallulah about an hour before I met her for the first time, I was gathering supplies for her. It feels like it was so long ago. Anyway, she loved her food bowl and spent a lot of time in her cage sitting or even sleeping with her front paws in the food bowl, hoping for a snack!

I found out today that the name Taisie is Irish and was the name of a princess from a legend. Tallulah's name also is Irish and means princess. As it should happen, Taisie is also a nickname for Anastasia, and of course it's similar to Maesie, so I'm thinking of naming the new bun Anastasia Mae (Mae something like Lilimae or Maeryn) and calling her Taisie Mae. The forum already has a Daisy Mae though, hope that isn't too close! I've also always loved the name Siddalee, I saw it for the first time in the book Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood, which I read years ago. Coincidentally, the main character Siddalee's sister is named Tallulah. I think it's interesting that the bunny names I like the best happen to be so related to Tallulah's name.


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## SnowyShiloh

Sweet baby, in some ways it feels like you were a dream and I never actually held you or enjoyed the pleasure of your company...


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Sweet baby, in some ways it feels like you were a dream and I never actually held you or enjoyed the pleasure of your company...


Sometimes, a dreamlike memory is a form of emotional freedom--for if it 'twas only a dream, then any pain associated with it is also, in a sense, unreal.

I think that you've answered my question as to how you're doing/healing.:hug: If I'm right (that your heart seems to be lightening with time), then I am glad.


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## SnowyShiloh

Jenk, I'm definitely healing from her death, but I think I've pretty much healed as much as I'm going to. It's weird, I loved Cinnabun as much as her, but since she died, I think about her much more than him. At one point I actually thought I loved him more deeply than her, but now that she's gone, I know that absolutely wasn't true. It's helped me realize how much I love Rory and Skyler, actually!

Okay, kind of went off on a tangent there, but what I meant to say is that even though Cin died 6 years ago, looking at his pictures before Tallulah died and thinking about him was always very bitter sweet. Intensely sad but also a little happy. And that's after 6 years! I'm like that with Tallulah now too, I love seeing her sweet little face and thinking about her, but the sadness is so big. I don't think it will change. 

I've been e-mailing back and forth with Lolbunnies this afternoon about which picture she's going to use for Tallulah's portrait, what the background will be, what colors exactly her markings were... Looking at her pictures makes me long to be with her again so badly! Miss you my little Mae Mae Shmoobear.


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> ...I'm definitely healing from her death, but I think I've pretty much healed as much as I'm going to....I loved Cinnabun as much as her, but since she died, I think about her much more than him. At one point I actually thought I loved him more deeply than her, but now that she's gone, I know that absolutely wasn't true. It's helped me realize how much I love Rory and Skyler, actually!
> 
> ...I'm like that with Tallulah now too, I love seeing her sweet little face and thinking about her, but the sadness is so big. I don't think it will change.
> 
> ...Looking at her pictures makes me long to be with her again so badly! Miss you my little Mae Mae Shmoobear.


When the sadness is so big, perhaps all we can do is focus on the love that's available in the present (e.g., your love for Rory and Skyler). :hearts:

Your little Tallulah had a great life with you, despite its brevity. Don't ever lose sight of that. And I'm certain that she'll still come around to visit you and your brood.


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## hailiejade

im so sorry for your loss , she was so beautiful , your pictures and videos of her last moments really reminded me of ty ty before he went he was so floppy and i totally understand what you said about the eyes when he did finally pass despite him being dead his eyes still looked as though he was still there which made it so hard to believe he wasnt, hard to explain but felt as though could almost feel/see his soul/spirit in his eyes which was comforting but also very saddening at the same time.

xxxx


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## SnowyShiloh

Jen, I so hope you're right! I find myself looking for her sometimes... Not necessarily her in her little bunny form, but other creatures that may seem to carry some of her spirit. On that note, tonight I ran across the perfect name for a little bunny if that bunny seems to be similar to Tallulah, either in spirit or looks or whatever. The name is Talitha. It's pronounced like Tabitha with an L. If you recall, Tallulah was Tabitha for a few hours, and Talitha is like a mix of the two names. It's an Aramaic word and means "little girl", and that's what I called Lu a lot and what I'll undoubtedly call the new bunny. I'm not religious, but there was a part in the Bible where a young girl dies and her parents are very distraught. Jesus comes in, tells everyone the girl is only sleeping and says "talitha cumi" to her, which means "little girl, rise up" to her and brings her back to life. Both the translation of the name and the story are meaningful to me, and the fact that Talitha is a cross between the two names Tallulah was known by is too much not to use it! I like Talitha Marigold. I think it's very pretty and I can call her Lillie Mae- different enough from Tallulah that the bunny will definitely be her own bunny. What do you think?

Hailiejade, I like that those of us who have lost bunnies can get comfort from each other. Both of our babies were so special. Perhaps they're playing together in bunny heaven  Tallulah was a very friendly girl so I'm sure she would like him. The eye thing was interesting. After she was dead, I could definitely tell she wasn't in there anymore (though the pictures of her in the towel look very lifelike), but right up until she died it was like she was still in there and not scared, even though she was slipping away. Cinnabun was very sick one time and recovered thankfully, but I really didn't think he would. His eyes were completely dull, like he wasn't there. It was very odd and scary. I was so relieved when he recovered! Then when he actually did die, his eyes were completely dull again the last couple minutes before he passed. I thought all bunnies would be like that.


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## SnowyShiloh

Well, so far attempts to get our new bunny up here from Anchorage has fallen through three times. THREE. Maybe it's not so much, but I keep getting my hopes up every time... Maybe next time it will work out. I sure hope so 

Little Reesie the Holland Lop died today unexpectedly. It's just heartbreaking. Her poor owner. Reese was such an adorable girl, I'm sure her loss is devastating. I wonder how well I would be able to handle losing another Holland Lop. I guess we'll find out one day since I really want another little loppy at some point in the future! Today Mae's been gone for 8 weeks and one day. I knew her for 20 weeks and a few days, she's been gone almost half the amount of time I had her! She made such an impact...


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Well, so far attempts to get our new bunny up here from Anchorage has fallen through three times. THREE. Maybe it's not so much, but I keep getting my hopes up every time... Maybe next time it will work out. I sure hope so


My apologies for offering unsolicited advice: Don't force things in life. If things keep falling through, take it as a sign from the Universe that the timing isn't right. Meanwhile, if you were to keep fighting the signs being given to you, you'll only end up with more frustation. (Take it from someone who has to _really_ work at listening to the Universe--and _not_ argue back with it.)


> Little Reesie the Holland Lop died today unexpectedly. It's just heartbreaking. Her poor owner. Reese was such an adorable girl, I'm sure her loss is devastating. I wonder how well I would be able to handle losing another Holland Lop. I guess we'll find out one day since I really want another little loppy at some point in the future! Today Mae's been gone for 8 weeks and one day. I knew her for 20 weeks and a few days, she's been gone almost half the amount of time I had her! She made such an impact...


I'm sorry to learn this sad news about Reese; my thoughts/prayers go out to her owner. ray:

Please do not even entertainthe thought of losing another bun, since such a loss is essentially inevitable. (Admittedly, I struggle with my own advice. :?)

It's hard to believe that Tallulah has been across the Bridge for nearly half the time that she'd spent with you. _Wow_. That's a sobering thought, sincetime seems to stopwhen we lose a loved one.  On a brighter note,you've proof that time _does _moveforward, which offers us healing (and the strength to love again). 

Hugs and kisses to you, sweet Tallulah! :hearts::hug:


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## SnowyShiloh

Jenk, it looks like you're right. This evening Paul told me he really doesn't want another bunny right now. If the new girl were already here, it would have been too late! He would actually prefer no bunnies I think, but Rory and Skyler are going no where. He feels our apartment is too small for three, even though we had three before. This is his home too and I want him to be comfortable here, so I am actually the one who proposed that we not get another girl. I love him and want him to be happy! So, I'm pretty sad that I won't get my baby girl to love, and Skyler won't have a buddy, but oh well. He said that when we live somewhere bigger, we could get another bunny. I'm just thankful that I have two wonderful boys to love until then.

In happier news, Tallulah's LOLBunnies portrait is done! Isn't it gorgeous? I love it... 







It was taken from one of my favorite pictures of her, a picture of her in her cage that had poor lighting and was a little blurry. I'm so glad to see that picture looking so nice.






The flower is fireweed, a flower you see everywhere here in Alaska in the summer. We also saw it all through Canada, but not as much as here. To me, it looks like Tallulah is running around heaven and came across this one flower that reminds her of home and the people she loved her that she left behind. Seeing it really cheered me up after realizing another bunny girl isn't in my near future. I just wish I could have her back! But because I can't, I'm going to order the biggest print of this available, on the stretched canvas, and hang it in the living room to enjoy.


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## Bunnicula

That's a really beautiful portrait of Tallulah. It will look lovely in your home, I am sure.

Sorry that you won't be getting another little girl. But that probably is the best for now. That's kind of the stage we are at with our cats. As they are aging and our numbers slowly declining...we are just adjusting. I have got to admit that it feels a bit strange. But I know it's for the best at this point in our lives.

When the time is right for you, another sweet girl bun will come into your life. And I think the name Talitha and all it's meaning will be perfect.

Hugs to you,
~Mary Ellen


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## Jenk

Mary Ellen has already posted my exact thoughts (about the portrait and the timing of getting another bun). So I'll just say that I second them. 

Jenk


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## SnowyShiloh

Oh gosh, Tallulah's breeder e-mailed me to say she's finding a new home for Tallulah's mama, Olivia. I wish so badly that I could have her:bigtears: I'm so upset... She would be so happy and loved here and it would be like having a little bit of Tallulah back...

Paul said he isn't completely sure WHY he doesn't like the rabbits. He said his feelings towards them changed after Tallulah died but he doesn't know why. It's not because he cared about her so much that he resents the presence of the other two... We had an issue shortly after she died where he was a little jealous of the rabbits because I love them so much, and even though I assured him that I love him more than them, and he says he believes me, this seems to be related to that fear he had. 

:cry1:


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## SnowyShiloh

Tonight I'm trying to pick Tallulah's urn. I decided to take a break from when I was looking for one a month ago because there were too many choices! I still want a musical jewelry box and have several in mind.

I miss the little curls of fur on the top of Tallulah's ears and how the tips of her ears curled out a bit. I've looked at pictures of other Holland Lops and none of them have either. The fur on her ears was fairly long and so soft and silky...


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## SnowyShiloh

Last night I had my first dream that Tallulah wasn't dead or injured in! I don't remember much of it, but I was watching her play on the floor and thinking that I hadn't cuddled her in a long time, and that I should pick her up for a snuggle and pets.


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## tonyshuman

That's good. I hope you can remember her as a happy, snuggly, little bunny, playing instead of in pain.:hug:


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## SnowyShiloh

Tonyshuman, I'm trying to do just that! Today is the first day that I haven't thought of her last few minutes, only the happy times. I also finally ordered her "urn". There were so many choices before and I just couldn't make up my mind, so I decided to take a step back for a while. Today and yesterday I didn't have to work, so I spent a fair amount of time looking at music boxes, and when I saw this one tonight, I decided it was just right:

https://www.sfmusicbox.com/xq/asp/TID.%7B47359C5C-4A9E-4FA3-9950-9B84DC5B1316%7D/PID.1/IID.601/MGID.2427/qx/product.htm

The size is nice, and the white is sweet and innocent like her. The flowers are pretty but also kind of cute. A lot of the music boxes in this style look a little too "formal" for me, if you will, but this one is pretty much just what I had in mind. It's also $80 cheaper than the other one I liked a lot, so that's good! It plays "How sweet it is to be loved by you" which seems appropriate  I also ordered this little hummingbird and rose figurine:

https://www.sfmusicbox.com/xq/asp/TID.%7B47359C5C-4A9E-4FA3-9950-9B84DC5B1316%7D/PID.1/IID.3032/MGID.2385/qx/product.htm

Ever since Tallulah died, hummingbirds have really reminded me of her. Every time I see a picture of one, I think of her. Pink roses have always made me think of her, so this is perfect. I plan to put it by her music box, along with her picture in a pretty frame, and a birdhouse I'm in the process of painting. I know she was a rabbit and not a bird, but delicate little birds remind me of her!

I guess I went a little overboard, but I also ordered this because it's so sweet, not sure where I'm going to put it:

https://www.sfmusicbox.com/xq/asp/TID.%7B47359C5C-4A9E-4FA3-9950-9B84DC5B1316%7D/PID.1/IID.3044/MGID.2385/qx/product.htm

As well as this music boxes to put Cinnabun's ashes in:

https://www.sfmusicbox.com/xq/asp/TID.%7B47359C5C-4A9E-4FA3-9950-9B84DC5B1316%7D/PID.1/IID.2889/MGID.2396/qx/product.htm

I was looking for the perfect urn for Cinnabun's ashes for the longest time after he died! I could never find one that was just right, so in my ceramics class 2 summers ago, I made a larger than life sculpture of him up on his hind legs sniffing the wind. I spent so many hours making it, and carved this little poem on it:

"If tears could build a staircase,
And memories a lane,
I'd walk up to heaven
And bring you home again"

I know that's a pretty common poem, but it always makes me tear up and always makes me think of him. Anyway, the sculpture was hollowed out with a little door on the back so I could put his ashes and leash and favorite toy and stuff in it. I gave it to my mom that Christmas, so I'm happy to finally have a nice urn for him! But I want to have some of his ashes too, so I bought that Peter Rabbit box to put some of them in. It plays Brahm's Lullaby, I used to hum that to Cinnabun when I was little. I plan to buy two tiny glass bottles with corks at the craft store to put their ashes in.

The company I bought these items from ships to Alaska for not too exorbitant of a price, so I don't have to ship it to anyone else first. My order should arrive in 7-9 days


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## SnowyShiloh

The music boxes arrived today! I am rather disappointed about some of the items. The wooden music box I got for Tallulah is most definitely YELLOW, very yellow. In the picture, it looks white, and the description says it's white. There are also a couple of little cracks in the finish and the quality just doesn't seem that great, it kind of seems like an overpriced item you'd find at a gift shop catering to tourists. So, back it goes!

I'm probably going to send the Beatrix Potter box back too. The twirling bunny is actually secured to the spring with hot glue and the music box part sounds kinda bad. I may decide to keep it though.

I'm going to keep the hummingbird figurine. It's pretty darn cute! There are a couple misplaced droplets of glue on it, and the music box part (which is electronic) sounds terrible, but I didn't buy it because of the music box. It's sweet and pretty, so I'll keep it!

Surprisingly, the thing I like the most is the lop eared bunny with the bouquet. She's so pretty, and all the flowers were handmade. She's pretty tall too, over 8 inches! The music box sounds lovely, though I think there may have been a mistake in the construction of it because a couple of notes in one part of the song are wrong. For some reason that doesn't really bother me though.

Lessons learned: don't buy a $150 item that I can't inspect personally first! I think I'm just going to keep my eyes open for a nice box for the bunnies' ashes. I'm actually considering re-thinking how I arrange Tallulah's memorial spot on my dresser. I may have the lop eared bunny as the main thing, with the framed picture of Tallulah next to it, the birdhouse and the little hummingbird figurine. Then maybe I'll put her ashes in a small glass bottle with a cork and a little ribbon and set it by the porcelain rabbit. Regardless, I'll take pictures of the set up!


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> I'm...considering re-thinking how I arrange Tallulah's memorial spot on my dresser. I may have the lop eared bunny as the main thing, with the framed picture of Tallulah next to it, the birdhouse and the little hummingbird figurine. Then maybe I'll put her ashes in a small glass bottle with a cork and a little ribbon and set it by the porcelain rabbit.


That sounds like it would be an especially lovely setup:a wonderfully sweet tribute to a wonderfully sweet bunny.:hearts:

ink iris:


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## SnowyShiloh

I haven't posted here in almost a month, and it's been a little more than 3 months since Tallulah died. I only had her for 4 months and 3 weeks, so it's weird to think that she's been gone more than half the amount of time I had her  She would have been 10 1/2 months old now. I haven't posted here lately, but I think about Lulu every day many times. I miss her like mad. Seeing pictures of baby lops brings up so many emotions. She was such a wonderful baby girl and touched me so much, I'll never stop missing her. 

Last night I dreamed that the house was on fire (a recurring dream I had with Cinnabun for years), and I couldn't find her. I was frantically digging in pillows and blankets on the couch looking for her so I could save her from the fire. I don't know why she would have been under pillows and blankets.

I remember how she'd snuggle down when I petted her on the head, and how she'd lay on my lap when I rubbed her belly. Her super silky ears that she loved to have rubbed, and how cute her little butt was when she hopped around. How she adored Rory and seemed like she'd hit it off with Skyler. She had orange spots down her back, and a couple random little spots on the right side of her back. It makes me sad to think that I can't remember if all her whiskers were one color or if some were dark and some were white... I think some were dark and some were white.

I haven't talked much about it, but Tallulah's death messed up my attachment to Skyler. She died just over a month after we brought him home, before I had the chance to get to know him and love him like I love her and Rory. I do love him without a doubt, though. I've felt bad because I don't feel the same way about Skyler as I do about Cinnabun, Rory and Tallulah. I've always given him as much attention and care as Rory, but I wasn't all gaga over him like I am the others, even though he's such a darling little bunny. I really think Tallulah's passing and the strong feelings I've had about it sort of sapped my emotional reserves, making it hard to come to love another rabbit so much. It's strange, I'd feel all lovey dovey towards Skyler when I was looking at him or playing with him (the other day he was lying next to me getting petted and actually flopped out with his legs behind him, he was so comfortable!), but it just wasn't the same. Also, my feelings towards Skyler have grown stronger over the past few months, but it's been rather slow going. I've had him for over 4 months now (half his life!), and tonight it's like I see him in a different light, the same way I see Rory. It will be interesting to see how I feel in a couple weeks and a couple months.

Paul says we can get another rabbit when we move into a bigger apartment. Our lease expires at the end of May 2009, so we still have a while. I'm hoping he'll change his mind and let me get another bunny before we move, since we may renew our lease again for 2009-2010! I think he wants to wait until we move so we can have a second bedroom for them. I do like the idea of a rabbit room, but I want them out in the living room where I can see them all the time! If they're in a different room, I'll want to bring the couch in here so I can be with them, and if we're going to do that, might as well leave them in the living room! Maybe he'll change his mind before then, after all we only have two rabbits and two cockatiels. At our most, we had three rabbits, a hamster, two cockatiels and three rats! The hammie died a few months ago (he was such a sweet boy), and the ratties all died in the past few months.

I want another rabbit (I can't help but imagine another Holland Lop) both for me and for Skyler. I think he would benefit from having a buddy since he's a friendly little guy. Even though he never bonded with Tallulah, I feel that he's missed out since she died. I am a little afraid though that I won't be able to love a new rabbit as much as I loved Tallulah, Holland Lop or not... I don't think I'm seriously worried about it, but the concern is in the back of my mind.


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## myheart

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> I haven't talked much about it, but Tallulah's death messed up my attachment to Skyler. She died just over a month after we brought him home, before I had the chance to get to know him and love him like I love her and Rory. I do love him without a doubt, though. I've felt bad because I don't feel the same way about Skyler as I do about Cinnabun, Rory and Tallulah. I've always given him as much attention and care as Rory, but I wasn't all gaga over him like I am the others, even though he's such a darling little bunny. I really think Tallulah's passing and the strong feelings I've had about it sort of sapped my emotional reserves, making it hard to come to love another rabbit so much. It's strange, I'd feel all lovey dovey towards Skyler when I was looking at him or playing with him (the other day he was lying next to me getting petted and actually flopped out with his legs behind him, he was so comfortable!),* but it just wasn't the same. Also, my feelings towards Skyler have grown stronger over the past few months, but it's been rather slow going. *I've had him for over 4 months now (half his life!), and tonight it's like I see him in a different light, the same way I see Rory. It will be interesting to see how I feel in a couple weeks and a couple months.




I know what you are talking about. Luna and I are just starting to make a bond for us because I finally feel that I am able to let go of Benjamin and Maggie's relationship. Luna is for Patrick to love, and he does. She is also for me to love and cuddle, and I have just allowed this to happen. She truly is the sweetest and neatest little bun. I am now able to see everything about her (her personality,charm, and humor) that Patrick sees in her and I am totally falling in love with her essence. 

Love just takes time especially when grief is half of the equation. Sometimes it is a difficult lesson to learn.

myheart


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## TinysMom

*I'm going to respond to pieces of your post below....and while I'm sharing from my own experience - please know that I'm not trying to make light of yours..ok? 

SnowyShiloh wrote:*


> but I think about Lulu every day many times. I miss her like mad. Seeing pictures of baby lops brings up so many emotions. She was such a wonderful baby girl and touched me so much, I'll never stop missing her.
> 
> *It's been over a year since GingerSpice passed. I don't think of her every day now - but I used to. It's been over 6 months since Tiny passed - and yes - I still think of him every day.
> 
> I guess what I'm saying is...you're going to think of her every day. She was a special part of your life and at some point you may reach a point where you don't think of her every day - but very often. If that happens - don't beat yourself up - I think it is the heart's way of healing somehow...I don't know.
> 
> I can think about GingerSpice now and not bawl my eyes out (although I do still tear up). With Tiny - I cry just about every time I think of him....I'm not sure how much more I can cry anymore. But the other day I talked about him...and laughed.
> 
> I really have been wondering how you were doing - so I am glad to see you posting about this.
> 
> *
> I remember how she'd snuggle down when I petted her on the head, and how she'd lay on my lap when I rubbed her belly. Her super silky ears that she loved to have rubbed, and how cute her little butt was when she hopped around. How she adored Rory and seemed like she'd hit it off with Skyler. She had orange spots down her back, and a couple random little spots on the right side of her back. It makes me sad to think that I can't remember if all her whiskers were one color or if some were dark and some were white... I think some were dark and some were white.
> 
> *She really was adorable. Of course, I love the broken pattern - particularly in lops. I know you can't remember all of the little details - but I also know you can remember her - her spirit - her favorite things. Those are the things you'll carry with you and they'll comfort you for the rest of your life.
> 
> * I haven't talked much about it, but Tallulah's death messed up my attachment to Skyler. She died just over a month after we brought him home, before I had the chance to get to know him and love him like I love her and Rory. I do love him without a doubt, though. I've felt bad because I don't feel the same way about Skyler as I do about Cinnabun, Rory and Tallulah. I've always given him as much attention and care as Rory, but I wasn't all gaga over him like I am the others, even though he's such a darling little bunny. I really think Tallulah's passing and the strong feelings I've had about it sort of sapped my emotional reserves, making it hard to come to love another rabbit so much. It's strange, I'd feel all lovey dovey towards Skyler when I was looking at him or playing with him (the other day he was lying next to me getting petted and actually flopped out with his legs behind him, he was so comfortable!), but it just wasn't the same. Also, my feelings towards Skyler have grown stronger over the past few months, but it's been rather slow going. I've had him for over 4 months now (half his life!), and tonight it's like I see him in a different light, the same way I see Rory. It will be interesting to see how I feel in a couple weeks and a couple months.
> 
> *Losing her did sap your reserves and it broke your heart. Of course you weren't ready to love another bunny right off....even if you'd already had him and were in the "starting to bond" time. It takes the heart time to heal - to rebuild from the broken pieces when it shatters. It takes time to get that emotional energy back...
> 
> When I lost Pow Wow - who had been living with "Cordelia" - I was angry. Why did God take Pow Wow and leave me the twerp? Cordie needed me...but I needed Pow Wow. (I'd had so many losses - and my heart was so broken).
> 
> But as time passed and I healed - Cordie and I bonded. When she passed a while ago - I was totally devastated. I still think of her and cry.
> 
> The thing is ... my heart needed to heal from losing Pow Wow - in order to be able to accept and love Cordelia. It took time...it also took actions on my part to spend time with Cordelia - to learn to accept her for who she was and not as Pow Wow #2.
> 
> Your heart is healing now - you may find yourself wanting to spend more time with Skyler...noticing more things about him that you enjoy. And that's natural...because as we heal....we can open ourselves up to other things. (At least that's my belief and experience).
> *
> I want another rabbit (I can't help but imagine another Holland Lop) both for me and for Skyler. I think he would benefit from having a buddy since he's a friendly little guy. Even though he never bonded with Tallulah, I feel that he's missed out since she died. I am a little afraid though that I won't be able to love a new rabbit as much as I loved Tallulah, Holland Lop or not... I don't think I'm seriously worried about it, but the concern is in the back of my mind.
> 
> *I already have learned that I'll never love a new rabbit as much as I loved Tiny...or Ginger...or New Hope...or some of those "heart bunnies". Its always going to be different. Sometimes it feels like less love - sometimes its more like its a different type of love. I can't really explain it.
> 
> I think the losses I've had - have taught me that I'm going to lose them all...at some point in time. So I try to cherish the days with them and really enjoy them - but not quite hold them so tightly to my heart because I can't grieve the same way again. I can't really explain it - but when GingerSpice died - it was like I shut down almost totally as far as being a functioning human goes. I couldn't handle life because the grief was so painful.
> 
> I can't get to that point again - if only because I have other bunnies here who need me. So I try to not hold them to my heart so much that they will devastate me like that again.
> 
> I'm probably not saying it right.
> 
> I still love all of my bunnies and I do still have heart bunnies. But I guess with all the losses I've had - its taught me that I'm going to lose them anyway. So I'm trying to remember that all the time...that barring an accident or illness...I will outlive them and I will have to grieve again.
> 
> In time - you'll bond with Skyler - and even if you don't have the same bond - it will be the bond that works for you two.
> 
> I wanted so badly to bond with Zeus but the fact is - he's happy where he's at (in the garage) and he loves his life as it is. It isn't what I want - but you know what? I enjoy it anyway. Everytime he comes running over for banana or lettuce or whatever..I enjoy the bond we do have.
> 
> I'll be praying for you and Skyler...actually - for all of you guys.
> 
> You'll make it through this. I promise.
> 
> Tallulah took a piece of your heart with her...but you will recover. It sounds like the healing is already taking place.
> *


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## SnowyShiloh

Peg and Myheart, thanks for all your insight. It's nice to know that I'm not a bad bunny mom for bonding slowly with Skyler. Good news is that I can tell our bond has strengthened in the past few days! However, today I haven't been feeling well and I guess when you don't feel well, you can't help but think about depressing things, because I've been thinking about Lulu all day. Not about the happy times, but the moment that she died in my arms and how her body felt the next morning after being in the fridge all night, when I took her out to hold her and kiss her one last time before bringing her body to the vet for the necropsy. Thinking about how terrible she must have been feeling and how maybe things could have ended differently. Ugh. 

I've also been thinking about how badly I want another baby lop girl, but Paul doesn't want one right now... Remember the Holland Lop breeder I mentioned earlier? Well, I'll be in Seattle in 3 weeks and if Paul gave me permission, I could bring home one of the darling babies. This sounds so cheesy, but it's like my heart is yearning for another baby Holland Lop and no other breed of rabbit will do. When I see pictures of other people's baby lops, I just melt and want one so badly. It looks like that won't be happening for a long time though 

More whining, I feel so bad that I'd consider calling in sick tomorrow if I still feel like this then, but of COURSE tomorrow is Saturday, the busiest day at our store, and of COURSE the one other time I called in sick (had a terrible cold, it would have been a disaster if I'd gone to work) was on a Sunday (nearly if not equally as busy as Saturday) and only a month ago :X They'd probably fire me if I called in tomorrow. I plan on applying to work at the vet clinic sometime this week, but who knows how soon they could hire me and I don't feel like being unemployed until then. Plus I've never been fired before and really don't want to have that ever happen!


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> ...I've never been fired before and really don't want to have that ever happen!


That which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. (How well I know. )


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## SnowyShiloh

Jen, I went to work the day after I made that last post, and partway through the day I started feeling better  What a relief! I don't think I'm going to be at that job much longer though because I'm going to apply to work at the vet clinic I take my bunnies to. I have a friend who works there and know 2 other girls who work there, they all really like it and you get health insurance after 6 months. I think I'd enjoy working at the vet office a lot more, and if my bunnies ever get sick, I can just take them with me to work!

I miss Mae so much. I've been thinking a lot about the first time I saw her in person, when we went to pick her up. She was in an itty bitty cage (just a temporary cage, she didn't live in it) in the spare room and was so adorable and little... Way cuter than the picture I saw! All I could say was how cute and little she was. She had the softest, fluffiest baby fur and her ears were all crazy with one ear up and one down. I also keep thinking of how she looked hopping away from me the morning of the day she died. I could see something was wrong with her and after I pulled her out of the cage to take a look, I put her down on the floor while I called the vet. She still had enough energy to move around and hopped away from me across the living room. For some reason, the mental image of her hopping away has really stuck with me. She hopped over to the bathroom door, then turned around and hopped over to sit at her favorite spot outside Rory's cage with her nose through the bars. Even though she felt so sick, she still wanted his company (even though he didn't want hers!). She was such a darling little baby, I hope I can love a new bunny like I loved her.


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> She was such a darling little baby, I hope I can love a new bunny like I loved her.


I've _zero_ doubt that you'll be able to love another bun as fiercely as you did sweet Tallulah. We love each of them for the individuals that they are, but love is love is love....Personally, I can love another beastie(bun, cat, dog, etc.) just as deeply as one whom I've lost; but I alwayslove the new member for him-/herself--not as a stand-in for the one who's passed over the Bridge. And I know that that will be the case for you, too: You'll give the right amount of love to another bun in need of it. (Tallulah would be proud of you for doing so, I just know it. :hug


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## SnowyShiloh

Jenk, thanks for the encouragement! I think you're right.

I've had a bad day... There's been a bunch of drama the past couple days. I found Tallulah's mom, Olivia, for sale, but the breeder who has her (not Tallulah's breeder) won't let me buy her. The hope and exhilaration of thinking I was going to get to adopt Mae Mae's mama, followed by the disappointment and (I'll admit it) anger of not being permitted to is just too much. Today I feel a little like I've lost Lula all over again


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Jenk, thanks for the encouragement! I think you're right.
> 
> I've had a bad day... There's been a bunch of drama the past couple days. I found Tallulah's mom, Olivia, for sale, but the breeder who has her (not Tallulah's breeder) won't let me buy her. The hope and exhilaration of thinking I was going to get to adopt Mae Mae's mama, followed by the disappointment and (I'll admit it) anger of not being permitted to is just too much. Today I feel a little like I've lost Lula all over again


:hug2: I've been following your story and remain in shock over it. I can't figure out for the life of me what "Olga" has against the idea of you giving Olivia a very loving home. :huh I hope/pray that she comes to her senses and does right by you and sweet Olivia.


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## SnowyShiloh

I haven't written here in a month and a half! I keep meaning to, but it makes me sad. By now, everyone knows I got another bunny on that trip to Washington  My darling, precious, sassy little Phoebe Mae. She's done for my heart what no other person or bunny could do- helped me heal from Tallulah. As much as I love Rory and Skyler, I'm not sure why I needed a new bunny to help me, but I definitely did. I still think about Tallulah a lot, but so much less than before... Before I found Phoebe Mae, my sadness about Tallulah was always right under the surface, always present in my mind. I felt a little guilty about how quickly Phoebe Mae brought me happiness, but it's not because I don't love Tallulah.

Phoebe Mae was named after Tallulah. Mae is of course after Tallulah's nickname (and what I called her most of the time), Mae Mae. Paul scowls at me when I sometimes accidentally call Phoebe "Mae Mae"!. Phoebe was a moon goddess, and I've always been able to see a bunny on the moon. I plan to get that tattoo of Tallulah on the moon soon. 

Phoebe Mae is part Holland Lop and part Mini Rex. Her fur is very silky, but not rexy. Her ears stick up like a Mini Rex, but are a lot longer than Mini Rex ears- they're more like Holland ears. They are quite erect and never lop. Her face and body type are definitely rexy, as she's grown older (she's 14 weeks now) she looks so beautiful, sleek and graceful. She's white with orange spots and then black flecks on the orange. She's gorgeous, if I may say so. I love her so much, you all were right not to be worried about being able to love her as much as Tallulah! I can see Tallulah in her in some ways, they're definitely different bunnies, but I think that's probably a good thing. It was so odd having Phoebe Mae at my mom's house in Washington, in all the same places Tallulah was less than a year ago. They came home on the plane in the same carrier and visited the same vet for the pre-flight health certificate. I have a lot of pictures of Phoebe Mae and Tallulah in the same places or positions...

I can't believe Tallulah has been gone for longer than I had her. I had that day marked in my mind but didn't have the heart to post in this thread then. I've had Skyler now longer than I had Tallulah. I can't believe she was only with me for 5 months...


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## SnowyShiloh

Here are some of the Tallulah and Phoebe Mae pictures that are similar. I have photos of Phoebe Mae in front of the dog and cat painting in my mom's bathroom, but they're stuck on her computer so I'll have to wait until Christmas to post them!

In the bathtub at my mom's house (the temporary "cage" both stayed in their first couple days!):












Stuffed animal kisses:











Stripey pants:











Paul and bunnies:











Autumn:


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## SnowyShiloh

Today would have been my baby's first birthday. I feel so cheated that she isn't with me. She should have been with me for years and years still. I miss my first princess... No matter how much I love Phoebe Mae, Tallulah should be with me. The videos and pictures of her right before she died are right on the first and second pages of my Photobucket album, I cringe whenever I see her looking like that. For some reason the photos of her wrapped in the towel after she died don't disturb me as deeply, maybe because she looked so peaceful... 

I'm going to do something to honor Tallulah today. I'll have to think about what I want to do. Something special for the other bunnies and something for me.


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Today would have been my baby's first birthday. I feel so cheated that she isn't with me. She should have been with me for years and years still. I miss my first princess... No matter how much I love Phoebe Mae, Tallulah should be with me.


For whatever reason/lesson that we don't understand, she had to leave you (for now). But you can still love her, and she, no doubt, still loves you. :hug:


> I'm going to do something to honor Tallulah today. I'll have to think about what I want to do. Something special for the other bunnies and something for me.


I think that's a wonderful idea; Tallulah will be touched. :hearts:


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## mouse_chalk

:hug:


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## LuvaBun

Thinking of you!

have you decided what you are going to do to honour her?

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

I miss my baby :tears2: I was looking at pictures of her... I need to get her photos into the scrap book I bought last winter, I haven't added any pictures since she died. I know I've said this many times in this thread, but it feels like Tallulah was just a dream. It feels like Phoebe Mae has been here forever. Somehow Phoebe's presence feels much more grounded in reality to me than Tallulah did, maybe because I feel like she'll be with me for a long time and always kind of felt that Tallulah would only be on Earth for a short while. I can say that I love my Phoebe Bear as much as I loved Tallulah now. They're such different bunnies, but so connected. I try to appreciate each cuddle with my bunnies like it could be the last one.


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## Jenk

I was just thinking about you and Tallulah yesterday and considered sending you a PM today to "check-up" on you; the timing of your post is a bit eerie (in a good way ). 

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> ...It feels like Tallulah was just a dream. It feels like Phoebe Mae has been here forever. Somehow Phoebe's presence feels much more grounded in reality to me than Tallulah did, maybe because I feel like she'll be with me for a long time and always kind of felt that Tallulah would only be on Earth for a short while.


I can understand your meaning. The kitten I lost, when she was just six-months-old, seems like a misty memory. Even seeing photos of her now almost make me wonder, _Whose cat is that?_ 



> ...I love my Phoebe Bear as much as I loved Tallulah now. They're such different bunnies, but so connected.



That makes sense; the human heart has the capacity to love equally, despite painful loss.


> I try to appreciate each cuddle with my bunnies like it could be the last one.


This is a good way to live; I try to do the same but find that I sometimes get overly anxious when I think in terms of "this could be _the_ last day with my baby."


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## JadeIcing

It just hit me a couple of days ago that you lost her on the one year of me lossing Sam. If you need to talk I am here. OK?


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## SnowyShiloh

Alicia, I noticed that too! What a sad coincidence. She died on my cousin's birthday, friend's birthday and Paul's brother's birthday, funny how a day that was happy for years will now always be a sad one for me.

Jenk, the dream thing is so odd. I remember her being with me very well, and I miss her and love her desperately, so it's like she was a very real dream. Or something. I have a hard time imagining that she really did run around our living room, hop up on my lap and pester Rory. It's like she's achieved worship status in my head so I don't think of her doing normal things. Hard to describe, but you seem to know what I mean!

Because I have so many photos of her I love and don't want to turn the apartment into a Tallulah shrine, I bought a nice picture frame. Instead of having a regular frame on it, it's clear glass about 3 inches wide and you're supposed to put a collage of photos in it. The collage surrounds one single photo in the center. I may not be describing it well, but I like the idea. The photo in the center will have to be the one of her lying on her back in my lap, the one in my avatar. I love that picture!

Also, THANK YOU Jen and Alicia for reading Lulu's thread


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## JadeIcing

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> Alicia, I noticed that too! What a sad coincidence. She died on my cousin's birthday, friend's birthday and Paul's brother's birthday, funny how a day that was happy for years will now always be a sad one for me.





> *hugs* I know I try to find joy on that day. Being with the other buns helps. Still hurts but helps. I am here. Ok?





> Because I have so many photos of her I love and don't want to turn the apartment into a Tallulah shrine, I bought a nice picture frame. Instead of having a regular frame on it, it's clear glass about 3 inches wide and you're supposed to put a collage of photos in it. The collage surrounds one single photo in the center. I may not be describing it well, but I like the idea. The photo in the center will have to be the one of her lying on her back in my lap, the one in my avatar. I love that picture!





> I love that idea. I have the one shelf dedicated to her and Mace. An one other picture hanging from the thingy I have.





> Also, THANK YOU Jen and Alicia for reading Lulu's thread


She was a princess to us all.


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## LuvaBun

Y'know, I can hardly believe it's been 6 months in some ways, yet in others it seems so long ago, so I can understand what you mean by the dream thing.

I think that photo frame sounds lovely. The hard part will be deciding which of her beautiful pictures to put in it.

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

I saw this necklace on Amazon.com and I love it so much, but it's $500!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00164K9EG/?tag=skimlinks_replacement-20

Isn't it sweet? I'm looking for an angel pendant that is fairly small and not gaudy or childish looking. That one is perfect, but I could never spend so much on a necklace!


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## SOOOSKA

It's Beautiful. Christmas is coming can you ask someone to buy it for you or if you get money you could put it towards the necklace.

Susan


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## SnowyShiloh

Soooska, I think the necklace is lovely, but $500 just seems like too much for something like that. I can think of other ways to use that much money (paying for college for example!). If it were even $150 I'd consider it. However, I really like the design and am considering using it or a variant for my Tallulah tattoo instead of her on the moon.

I found this necklace too:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000TR35J2/?tag=skimlinks_replacement-20

I think it's nice and much more affordable. I love the look of the two blue stones together. They have a pink one and a purple one, and I've always thought of pink as Tallulah's color, but I just like the blue one better. Do other people's bunnies have colors? Cinnabun was always blue, Tallulah baby pink, Rory is green, Skyler is yellow and Phoebe Mae is lavender. I think I'm starting to run out of colors!


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## SnowyShiloh

One year ago today (pretty much down to the hour actually), I met my little Tallulah at her breeder's house. The breeder had just brought Lula in from outside and had her in a teensy little cage in their spare room. I was amazed by how little and adorable Tallulah was, way cuter than she looked in her picture on Craigslist! Lu was afraid of me and didn't want to be held. I was concerned because her eyes were a little red rimmed and her nose was running some. The breeder said she was fine and I merrily took Tallulah home to my mom's house (where I was staying). I figured I'd be taking her to the vet the next day anyway for her pre-flight health certificate, so we'd see what the vet said. 

In the mean time, I posted pictures of her here on RO and voiced my concerns about the runny nose (which came and went) and the reddish eyes, and her occasional mushy poop. I was of course hoping to be reassured that she'd be fine and I should just see what the vet said, but the general consensus was that I should just return her to the breeder and try to find a different bunny somewhere else. I sadly agreed that I'd return her and made plans with her breeder to drop her back off the next day. I put Tallulah in my bedroom and closed the door so I didn't have to see her or get attached to her.

The next morning, I checked on the then nameless Tallulah, hoping she would look healthy. She did look better and her poops were normal. I decided to let her out to run around and see what she did. Downstairs we went, and I set her down. That little bunny ran and binkied like nothing else! She looked so healthy. I decided to take her to the vet anyway and she what the vet thought, so off we went... I tried not to get attached to her. The vet (a very good vet who I took Cinnabun and my cockatiels to for years) declared her to be healthy! She said it's normal for Holland Lop babies to have kind of weird poop at first, and the runny nose and eyes were probably due to her going from living outside to living inside where the air was much drier. She happily filled out Lu's health certificate and we went home.

I was so excited. My baby was mine after all and would be okay. We named her Tallulah, I let Paul pick between Annabelle and Tallulah and he liked Tallulah because it means "princess" (Rory's name means "little king"). I posted the happy news here on the forum, and most people were glad and seemed to believe the vet, but one person PM'ed me and disagreed with the vet. They were upset and said several things that upset me terribly, about me not caring about shelter rabbits and that I was killing bunnies by getting Tallulah from a breeder. That I should return Tallulah immediately. I cried so much over the next few days... Whenever I looked at Lu, I cried. But I couldn't return her to the breeder, I'd promised Tallulah to love her forever and I'd fallen for her already. It took me a long time to get over my feelings of guilt and I still tear up thinking about it.

Tallulah and I flew home. Her health problems continued. She spent a lot of time at the vet, but was such a sweet little girl. She quickly got over her fear of me and clearly loved me. It would have been so much easier if I'd just brought her back to the breeder, but someone else would have taken her I'm sure and who knows how Tallulah would have been cared for in her short life... She probably would have died a lot sooner. I would have missed out on her sweet life, and I would have missed out on loving my darling Phoebe Mae, who I never would have got if not for Tallulah.

My poor little girl. I'm sorry you had such a hard life and had to be sick. I miss you so much. 

Picture I saw of her on Craigslist:







These are the pictures I took that first night showing her eyes and nose... Looking at them always makes me feel bad:


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## LuvaBun

I am so pleased you didn't return Tallulah. I agree, if she got sick with someone else, I doubt if she would've received the love and care she got with you. Plus, we wouldn't have got to know her either .

Such a precious little thing 

Jan


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## Jenk

*LuvaBun wrote: *


> I am so pleased you didn't return Tallulah. I agree, if she got sick with someone else, I doubt if she would've received the love and care she got with you. Plus, we wouldn't have got to know her either .


I feel exactly the same way.  She was (and still is) a blessing in disguise. ink iris:


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## SnowyShiloh

Thank you, Luvabun and Jenk! This might sound odd, but I found a doll that makes me think of Tallulah. She's a My Child doll from the '80s and has red hair up in curly little pigtails and big brown eyes. She looks like what Tallulah would look like if she were a dolly! I saw her on eBay and had to get her, I plan to put her next to Tallulah's ashes. Now I'll have something I can hug when I think about Miss Mae. I'll post pictures of the doll when she gets here, I'm rather excited. It's funny because no stuffed bunnies really made me think of Lulu, I guess because none of them ever look like her, but a doll did.


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> This might sound odd, but I found a doll that makes me think of Tallulah....She looks like what Tallulah would look like if she were a dolly!...I plan to put her next to Tallulah's ashes. Now I'll have something I can hug when I think about Miss Mae....It's funny because no stuffed bunnies really made me think of Lulu, I guess because none of them ever look like her, but a doll did.


I don't think it's odd at all. In fact, Ifind it rather sweet and comforting. 

If I can imagine my Emma speaking with a German accent (and all of my bunners calling me "mama"), there's no reason why a red-haired, brown-eyed doll can't remind you of Tallulah. :hug: I can't wait for the photo(s).


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## SnowyShiloh

Jenk, here's one of the pictures of the Tallulah doll from her auction: 






With the big brown eyes and red hair, I couldn't help but be reminded of Tallulah's big brown eyes and "red" ears! I'd always wanted to put bows on Tallulah's ears so they looked like pigtails. Emma speaks with a German accent, I imagined Tallulah as talking with a sweet little girl's voice


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## Jenk

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> With the big brown eyes and red hair, I couldn't help but be reminded of Tallulah's big brown eyes and "red" ears! I'd always wanted to put bows on Tallulah's ears so they looked like pigtails.


What a sweet-looking doll. I really like it and can see how/why it reminds you of Tallulah. 


> Emma speaks with a German accent, I imagined Tallulah as talking with a sweet little girl's voice


Remember the character of Frau Farbissina from the _Austin Powers_ trilogy? (See http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0827565/.) I imagine that Emma's bossy that way, although not as loud/shrill. 

:biggrin2:


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## SnowyShiloh

I feel kind of bad posting in light of Rosie's loss- I can't imagine losing 4 bunnies at once. That would be like Tallulah PLUS my three current babies. Unfathomable.

If you can believe it, I've now had Phoebe Mae for 3 weeks longer than I did Tallulah. I know I can't believe it. The time with Phoebe has flown by... It felt like Lula was here for years in comparison. I miss my little girl and think of her all the time. I have a lot of pictures of her, but I can't even imagine her sitting on the couch with me anymore. I think it's because it's because it's an impossible dream. 

My little Phoebsie is so sweet. I haven't gotten her spayed yet because of my irrational fear of her dying during or after surgery. The vet spays after 6 months and Phoebe Mae is perfectly healthy (thank God, she's only been to the vet once and that was for her health certificate so she could fly!) so that's the only thing stopping me. It does NOT help that a month or so ago I ran into a vet tech who used to work for our vet. She actually remembered me and asked how Tallulah was- I told her that she died in May. We talked for a little and I mentioned that I was nervous about getting Phoebe Mae spayed... The former vet tech said "Yeah I can't blame you, it seems like rabbits look for excuses to die!" Eep! Not to worry, Phoebe will be spayed sooner rather than later, but she's not really in danger of cancer yet and her personality is sweet as ever so I'm in no rush. I'm setting a tentative date for the beginning of May, when the weather is warmer (so no taking a just operated on bunny out into the cold), my final exams are over but summer classes haven't started, and I can take a day or two off work to stay home and take care of her.


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## LuvaBun

*SnowyShiloh wrote: *


> If you can believe it, I've now had Phoebe Mae for 3 weeks longer than I did Tallulah.


Wow, I would never have guessed that! It does seem that Tallulah was around for much longer.

I can understand about your concerns about spaying, and I think the vet tech's comment was totally unnecessary. But I'm sure when you have her done, she will come through with flying colours 

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

Jan, I've had Skyler for 10 1/2 months and it still feels like I had Lula longer than him. She really packed a lot of love into her short time here...


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## Nancy McClelland

we've sweated bullets with each of our girls we've had spayed--thank God no problems. Elizabeth took her stitches mostly out, so she got stapled back up--that was costly. Shouldn't let small-minded comments worry you.


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## SnowyShiloh

Every month I clean out the refrigerator. Today, I did it again, and took out the bottle of medication Tallulah was prescribed the day she died and never had the chance to take. Then I put it back in the fridge, just like I have every other time. It's been almost a year and a half and I still haven't let go! It's much easier than it was a year ago, and I've been able to think of her in happy terms, but I still think about her every day. Cinnabun died 7 years ago and I still think about him a little every day too. Miss you, babies!


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## Nancy McClelland

same here--I have all of their pictures on and around the computer. It's still not easy--Stockton has been gone now for four and a half years and I still get teary.


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## LuvaBun

Oh Shiloh, I am exactly the same - I still have Pernod's medicine, half finished, in the fridge. I can't believe we both do that, especially as they passed so closely together.

Larry, time does pass by, but I guess they have made their imprint in our hearts permanently!

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

Jan, it's good to know that I'm not the only one who still has medicine in the fridge. I toss medicine containers from my living bunnies without a problem. And :hugsquish: to you and to Larry.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I've been up for well over 24 hours by this point. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so sad right now. I cried about Tallulah for the first time in a while. I miss everything about her- how soft her fur was, how she followed me everywhere and always wanted to be with me, how she'd do anything to get food, the warmth of her brown eyes, how sweet and little she was... And I remember how her eyes still looked bright and alive as she was dying and after she was dead, which completely confused me. Cinnabun was once so sick that his eyes were completely dead looking, and he recovered. But Tallulah's eyes still looked alive when she was dead. And I think how maybe she would still be alive if I'd got her to the vet sooner. I remember how her death was even harder because only seconds before she passed, hope started to grow in my heart and I thought maybe she would make it if we could get her to the emergency vet, but then her back arched and her lips pulled back from her teeth and her bowels were emptied on me. She did it a few times, and I don't remember ever in my life being more horrified. It would have been less painful if someone had been stabbing me in the leg.

I've had many small pets over the years, and while I've loved them all, there were three that had super special places in my heart. Cinnabun, Tallulah, and my cockatiel named Little Bird who suffered from many health problems too. Two of my hamsters, Hammie and Leonie, were also extra special. I'm missing them all right now. Ugh.


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## LuvaBun

Some days are harder than others :hug:

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

I miss my baby girl so much  You know I love Phoebe Mae a ton, but I was thinking tonight about HOW CLOSE I came to adopting Tallulah's mommy. Do you guys remember? I was looking at this breeder's website, and when I refreshed the page, there was Tallulah's mother. The breeder had sold her mom to someone else and I just happened to be on the exact page when she added the photo and description. Her mom was for sale, I was going to be in Washington the next week, and Paul had said I could bring home another bunny. It was perfect. I was so close to getting her. She looked like Tallulah. But the breeder who bought her from Tallulah's breeder flipped the heck out on me when I e-mailed her- I seriously think she had something going on mentally. You guys know that I'm pretty mild mannered, nice, and a good bunny mommy, and I absolutely didn't say anything that warranted her bizarre reaction. Then after all of it, the breeder blamed ME because it was MY fault I wouldn't be adopting the bunny and probably no one would be interested in her.

There were a couple threads about the ordeal, but I had Bo B Bunny delete them because I was afraid of them causing even more drama. On my trip to Washington the next week, I got my little Phoebsie. I don't regret her at all, but I wonder what it would have been like if I could have brought Mae Mae's mommy home. I wonder where she is now and if she's finally a beloved pet. She certainly deserves it.

I miss my little girl and what could have been  The fact that it's almost 6 am and I have to get up in 2 hours may be making me feel worse than usual.

Do you guys think I'll ever find another bunny like her? Phoebe Mae and Ned have both come along since Tallulah, and I adore both of them, they're both super sweet and funny and cute, but I could tell right away that they weren't "her". Making it worse is that there are 2 Holland Lops on Craigslist here and I've never seen one on Craigslist in this town. I really want another little Holland Loppy girl!


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## TinysMom

I can only answer your question from my personal experience.

Different breeds have different personalities and I honestly think a lot of her personality came from her being a lop....based on my experience with lops. I've had some lops that were so much fun and others that were so-so...not so loving, etc.

So I think a lot of who she was is based on that - and another lop COULD be a better match for you (Art is partial to lops).

However - another bunny like her? No - not really. I mean - they'll be a lot like her in general personality and stuff...but it probably will never be the same.

I've had Tiny and Zeus and now my five flemish. They all share certain characteristics...but honestly...none of them are like Tiny. Its taken me a while to accept that - but now I'm ok with it and enjoy them for who they are.

I wish I had a better answer for you - maybe someone else will have had a better experience.


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## SnowyShiloh

Peg, you've been so kind and loving regarding Tallulah over the past year and a half! I really appreciate it, as well as your insight. It will certainly be interesting to have another Holland Lop someday. Phoebe Mae is half Holland, but I think she has more of a Mini Rex personality. She's a darling, sweet girl, but full of spunk and attitude. Does that sound rexy? Tallulah was full of sweetness, innocence and love. She occasionally had her moments, but always seemed really innocent and feminine. If they were people, Phoebe Mae would be an awesome, cool, super outspoken tomboy engineer and Tallulah would be a sweet little girl in a poofy dress with bows in her pigtails.

Tallulah had the warmest eyes of any of my bunnies. They were such a rich brown color and she had long eyelashes... You could see her personality shining out of her eyes. I was so confused because when she was dying, and even after she died, her eyes STILL looked bright and alive. My first bunny was terribly sick once and his eyes were completely devoid of light that night, it was like he left his body for a few hours. They were like marbles. Thankfully the life returned to his eyes when he started feeling better, but when he died, his eyes looked empty. I looked through some photos of Tallulah to see if I could find any of her really expressive eyes, and these kind of do:












You can just tell by looking at her that she's lonely and wants Rory to like her and come over and be friends instead of biting her. 

Maybe it was all in my imagination and her eyes were like every other bunny's, I don't know.

I really want to have another Holland Lop one day. I'm partial to broken torts (and other broken colors) and always will be, but the color doesn't matter. 

I'm curious about something else. I have had 6 bunnies. I love all of them to bits. My feelings about them are different though... With three of them, I feel/felt very, very deep, soulful, emotional bonds and connection. The other three, I absolutely love and feel bonded to, but it's not that sort of raw love. Cinnabun, Tallulah and Rory had/have the super deep bond, and Phoebe Mae, Skyler and Ned have the other one. Why do you think that is? Did I run out of that really deep love? Cinny, Lula and Rory were my first three bunnies after all.


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## TinysMom

I don't know so much if it is that you've run out of the really deep love as much as maybe right now you're still numb and hurting too much to feel that deeply.

Its like if you get hurt and it scars over...sometimes the scars make things a bit "tougher". 

I don't think it means you won't love as deeply again - I just think you still need time to heal.

What I'm about to say is not meant to be an insult - please don't take it that way...ok?

In many ways - you remind me of myself for the first year or so after I lost Tiny. I tried replacing him - with the dogs...with other bunnies. Everywhere I looked and everyone (animal) I looked at - I was looking for Tiny again. 

During that time I had other animals - but I wasn't really able to connect with them....partly because I was still looking for Tiny (and in my heart - I probably always will be halfway looking for another rabbit like him).

I was finally able to let go of Tiny when I brought Zeus into our bedroom and allowed myself (and at times - forced myself) to get attached to him. 

Once I started getting close to Zeus...the desire for Tiny lessened and wasn't as painful....because I was willing to accept the void being filled by someone who really was different than Tiny.

I hope I've made sense. I really think you still need time to grieve before you can get closer to another bunny. You never know - you may develop that heart bond with another one of your rabbits once you've healed some more. We had Zeus over a year (and I loved him - but not as a heart bunny) - before I really bonded with him and he now is my heart bunny. 

I wish I could be there to give you a hug.

I hope you have another Holland lop someday...I miss Puck so much sometimes....to me he was a holland with a lot of spunk. I still laugh (and almost cry) when I remember him standing in front of the vacuum cleaner at 6 weeks of age and not letting Art use it. He was ready to attack it if needed....

So often I see broken black hollands and I think of him and want him back....and I say to myself.."someday".

Anyway - I'm sorry for what you're going through and feeling....


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## SnowyShiloh

Peg, I seem to go through phases. I think about her every day, but I don't dwell on her most of the time. Getting Phoebe Mae honestly helped me more than anything else. It was bittersweet because she wasn't Tallulah, but she really helped me and did a pretty good job of filling the hole in my heart! I would be lost if she (or Ned or Skyler) died. When we got Ned, it was a purely enjoyable experience. No sad feelings at all, just happy to have him. I wasn't really looking for her in him.

I promise that I DO love and treasure all of my bunnies, I just seem to have an even deeper connection with some of them. I don't even know if it's necessarily loving them more, it's just more intense.

Look at this precious baby:

http://pics.hoobly.com/full/WGG9F2LBG1FHTPILGV.jpg

She's so sweet! Same breed and markings as Tallulah, but she certainly doesn't look like my girl. Really cute though!


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## LuvaBun

I don't think you will ever feel the same about another bunny the way you did Tallulah - she was unique. I believe the love we have for our babies is different for each one - we love them for different reasons. I think of my 3 Bridge babies every day, and depending what mood I'm in or what has happened that day, I'll tend to think of one more than the other two, if that makes sense.

Like Peg, it took me time after Pernod to feel the way I do about Jester (Shadow already had a place in my heart), but now I adore the little bundle of trouble. Is he Pernod? No! But he has his own loveable characteristics.

You and Tallulah had a special bond, be proud of that. Perhaps you going through 'phases' is her way of letting you know she's still around, and remember her.

:hug: Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

Peg, I've been thinking about it more, and I think you're right! And Luvabun, thanks for the kind note. It's so hard losing them.


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## SnowyShiloh

Wow, I feel like a bad bunny mom. I've had it in my head for the longest time that Tallulah passed away on May 28th, not May 29th! Last year I had my little memorial for her on May 28th and we made Ned's birthday be May 28th too. I wonder why I thought it was the 28th?

Mae Mae is no longer my most recent bunny loss. Sweet Skyler went to join her on May 13th. I held him as he died and right before he took his last breath, I asked him to say hi to Cinny and Mae Mae for me since I knew his little soul was about to fly up there to them. This may sound weird, but the mental image of Cinnabun, Tallulah and Skyler frolicking in heaven together- my trio of beloved, darling babies- is pretty heartwarming. I can imagine them so well running and playing together.

As you can imagine, Skyler's death has made me think of Tallulah more than usual lately. Don't get me wrong- she's never been far from my mind- but his passing just makes me think of her passing and losing her. It's kind of interesting. I got Tallulah at the very beginning of January and she died at the very end of May. 5 short months that seemed so long. It was plenty of time for me to fall hopelessly in love with Tallulah. Skyler was diagnosed with EC in the middle of December, and died in the middle of May. Almost exactly 5 months later. I have to say that Skyler's 5 months seemed like much less time than Tallulah's. Another kind of odd thing is that Cinnabun, Tallulah and Skyler all died in May. My grandma died in May too, actually on the same day as Cinnabun but 3 years later. All the people/animals that have passed away who I treasured the most died in this month. What are the chances of that?

As always, I love and miss my little Tallulah. My heart aches for the day that I'll have another little Holland Lop girl to love. Truth be told, I've not been able to bond as closely to another bunny since Tallulah. Maybe it's because she was so special? Maybe because my heart decided to guard itself by not loving something else that deeply again? I don't know. I feel guilty about it, but I do love Ned and Phoebe Mae like crazy too, I'm certain more than the average pet owner (I don't mean people on this forum and am not trying to insult anyone with that line!). But there's always been a distance of some sort. 

I do have the same kind of love for Rory that I did for Cinnabun and Tallulah though, but I got him before I got Lula so my Rory love was already very well established before she passed away. In all honesty, if I'd been asked the day that she died to pick between Rory and Tallulah, I wouldn't have been able to make that decision because the thought of losing either of them would have been equally unbearable.

Okay, enough yammering!


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## jujub793

you have a whole bunny community here to share your sadness, everyone here understands the heartbreak you are feeling and that in itself is comforting. so sorry about your loss :hug:


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## SnowyShiloh

Today is 2 years since my little baby girl broke my heart. I couldn't believe how much pain I was in when she died, or for how long it lasted. I'll always miss my little Mae Mae. Perhaps someday I'll find another bunny like her. We're going to the jewelry store in a little while to choose and order our wedding bands and I can't decide if that's a GOOD thing to do on this day or not!


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## SnowyShiloh

I miss my sweet baby girl! I hope that someday, a little Holland Lop girl will call to me... I was watching videos of Happibun's Felix and he reminded me of Tallulah, even though they look nothing alike.


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## SnowyShiloh

I'm copying and pasting part of this from my blog:






LOOK at this baby girl :shock: I saw her picture and my breath caught in my throat and it felt like my blood drained out my feet. She looks like Tallulah's twin. Tallulah didn't have white on her ear, but they're both broken torts. She is one of Tallulah's cousins- the parents are from the same breeder Tallulah's parents came from (but not where Lula herself came from). Also, looking at the breeder's other rabbits, Tallulah's full blood brother is listed as this little girl's uncle. Amazing. It's SO obvious they're from the same lines because this little bunny has Lula's face and body, in addition to the same markings. She has Tallulah's beautiful brown eyes, too. Looking at the breeder's other Hollands, none of them really look like Tallulah except for her. If it wasn't for the white ear, I would honestly think I was looking at a picture of my baby. This girl has already been sold, and it probably wouldn't be good anyway for me to have another rabbit that looks SO MUCH like her, but... wow. I have to admit though, I would snatch her up in a heartbeat if she was actually available and not a 1000+ miles away! What a sweetie.

(okay, that's the end of what's in my blog)

I found this picture a good half an hour ago and am still in shock. I never expected to find a bunny that looks soooooo much like her and is actually related to her. I think it's a GOOD THING that this bunny has already been sold (she's on the breeder's "for sale" page, but is marked as sold). I know Tallulah isn't coming back, and it's been 2 years, and I think I've "recovered" from her death by now, but seeing another bunny like that is just mind blowing. She's so precious. It's like Tallulah is hopping around still. It actually makes me kind of glad to imagine this little one, bouncing around, happy and healthy. I really hope that her new owners are good people who will love her as fiercely as I loved Tallulah. She was on the breeder's for sale page as a pet or a breeder (and sold for $95), but I hope she becomes a pet.

Also, Paul and I are going to get another bunny in a few months. We discussed it last night. I'm absolutely SET on it being a Holland Lop. I wanted a Holland back when we got Phoebe Mae (she's part Holland) and feel so fortunate to have my little Phoebsie girl and don't regret that she's more Rexy than Loppy. Phoebe Mae helped me heal from Tallulah's death more than anything else could have. I love her so much! But I am ready for another Holland Lop


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## Spot

I hope Tallulah is enjoying her time up in heavenray:That rabbit is very cute and I'm getting a holland lop too!


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## SnowyShiloh

Today is 4 years since my little Lula girl died  I knew her for 5 short months, but I loved her deeply and nothing has been the same since she died. Miss you, baby girl! I've been lucky enough to be "mom" to 5 more bunnies since she died and unlucky enough to have held 2 of them in my arms as they died. I love them all, but none of them can take my Mae Mae's place.

The one source of consolation is that through some strange coincidence, 4 of our 6 bun buns have their birthdays in the next couple of days: Ned (whose birthday was unknown and I gave him May 29 so we could have something to celebrate on this day), Kerensa whose birthday is for sure on June 1, and little Maximus and Mabel who will be one sometime this week. We're going to have a bunny birthday bash for all 4.


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## SOOOSKA

Shiloh, my thoughts are with you today. It so hard to loose your heart bunny :bunnyangel:especially one so young.

She was one very lucky bunny to have you as a Mommie.

Big Hugs:hug1

Susanink iris:


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## Nancy McClelland

:bunnyangel: This kind of anniversary is the hardest on all of us. When my first rabbit, Commander Bun-Bun passed, I was so upset and it still makes me weepy. She wasn't our first to go to the bridge, she was the first we rescued--she was the beginning of our life long bunny addiction. Rest in peace and binky free little girl.


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## SnowyShiloh

Larry, Lula wasn't my first to die, either. My childhood bunny died when I was 17  He was 7. I miss him every day, too! He was my only bunny and it was so, so grim and dreary without any bunnies around for the next 5 years until I got Rory. So glad I have my other bun buns to focus on now!


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## SnowyShiloh

How can I still miss Lu so much? I was thinking about her and looking at pictures and was shocked to see that she had little dark spots on her ears. I had forgotten! How could I forget anything about her?!


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## katherine at sacred stories

I'm new to the site and I just read through this thread for the first time. Your Tallulah was just gorgeous and there's no question there was something special about her eyes! I can see her love shining in them and I can see your love reflected there. Thank you for sharing your beautiful bunny and your besutiful soul! You are a wonderful writer and I was touched by everything you wrote about your grief for dear Tallulah. I absolutely related to every feeling you described.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My heart still aches with sadness
and secret tears still flow.
What it meant to loose you,
no one will ever know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Binkie Free, Tallulah
:rainbow:ink iris::rainbow:ink iris::rainbow:ink iris:


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## SnowyShiloh

Another thread about bunny favorites made me just cry and cry over my Lula girl. It's been almost 5 years, will I ever stop mourning her? Am I being ridiculous? It's not like she's my human child that died! And it's so weird to think that she would be 5 now. My little baby girl, middle aged? How I wish she were still with me and actually 5 years old, though  At least I still have my Rory and my other bunnies. Kerensa has much of the same charm that Lu had. It's not the same for sure and their personalities are pretty different, but I'm glad I have her adorable, floppy eared little fluffy self to love!


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## LuvaBun

She will always be a special girl, Shiloh. I know I still miss all my Bridge Bunnies, and I still cry for them. They are all so unique!

:hug: Jan


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## Nancy McClelland

We only had Nik-Nik with us for 4 months and she's been gone for almost 7 years, but there isn't a day that I don't look at her picture and "sigh", so there is nothing wrong with how you feel. There would only be something wrong if you didn't feel this way. Sending HUGS!


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## Ilovemyrabbit

:yeahthat:


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## SnowyShiloh

Some buns are just super special, aren't they?

Wanted to update and say my little girl finally has an urn. I looked and looked and looked and just couldn't find the perfect one. Even purchased a couple but they ended up not being quite right, so her ashes have stayed in the little cardboard box they came in. For my birthday my mom gave me this urn: http://www.monstermarketplace.com/c...elry/baby-urn-keepsake-angel-wings-memory-box It's perfect for her. Wish it wasn't coated in glitter but my husband is going to try to remove the glitter, I hate glitter and think it makes things look tacky. This is an urn I first spied a couple of years ago so I'm glad to finally have it and that Tallulah's ashes have a special place now!


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## Ilovemyrabbit

Aww, that's sweet. RIP Talluhah you will be missed.


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## SnowyShiloh

My baby Lula's been gone five years later this month. FIVE YEARS. I still miss her like mad. Today I randomly came upon some photos and videos of a little baby girl who looks just like her. I mean, the markings aren't exactly the same and I could tell the difference between them in a heartbeat, but the bunny looks like her sister and her name is even a name I considered for Tallulah. These are videos of little Clementine: http://www.youtube.com/user/thuytrang2800?feature=watch Made me cry like a baby! I think I need to find another Holland Lop baby girl with broken tortoiseshell markings. I know the bunny won't be my little Maemae but it could help, right? I will wait a few years until my current bunny family shrinks a bit. How morbid is that, waiting until some of my other sweet bunnies die?! Of course just because a bunny looks like Lula doesn't mean it would have the same amazing personality (Tallulah was the loviest bunny I've ever met) which could be hard.

I don't want to post a link to someone's Facebook page, but Clementine's owner has a ton of pictures of her and she looks just like Lu. Her body shape and the shape of her face and ears and everything, and her warm brown eyes... Clementine even had a runny nose when her owner got her but things appear to have worked out better for her than they did for my girl  There are also some pictures of Clementine lying on her back on her owner's lap, just like I used to do with Lu! The owner even posted some pictures of Clementine's mom and they look just like Tallulah's mom, too! That opens its own wounds since some people may remember that I came THISCLOSE to getting to adopt Tallulah's mom thanks to some freakish coincidences, but in the end was not allowed to because the person who had her mom appeared for all intents and purposes to be mentally ill.

Let's just simplify things and have Tallulah come back!


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## JBun

All I can say is that I believe in heaven and fully expect all of my lost bunnies to be waiting for me when my time comes. It's hard not to miss them though.


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## SnowyShiloh

I certainly hope that's true, JBun! Lula and Cinny and Skyler and Nomi definitely deserve to be in heaven.


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## Nancy McClelland

It's been more than 8 years since Commodore Stockton went to the bridge and theres not a day we don't miss him. As to heaven, I'm always reminded of a Twilight Zone episode where a guy is walking along and comes to a gate, but the man who claims it to be Heaven says no dogs allowed. The guy replies to him if no dogs are allowed, I don't want to come in either. Turns out that was Lucifer and dogs are allowed in heaven but they can smell the Brimstone and won't go in the other place.


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## LuvaBun

I love that, Larry. To me, it wouldn't be Heaven without our beloved pets.

Shiloh, I can hardly believe it's been 5 years, but then I lost Pernod just after, so I guess that's right. Time moves on, but they remain in our hearts forever!

Jan


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## SnowyShiloh

Jan, I remember how awful it was that Pernod died so soon after you got her to Canada! And Larry, I definitely agree with you. Heaven wouldn't be right without our pets. I kind of think we all just go away after we die but it's nice to think of our sweet bunnies frolicking in heaven.

I've unfortunately had a lot of pets die because they've all been small animals, with the exception of my kitty (who is only a year old and healthy as can be!). Mice, hamsters, fish, rats, bunnies, birds (people who remember the baby bird fiasco know what I mean). I'm honestly not sure why Tallulah is the one that my heart has glommed onto. As I've said before, I didn't love her any more than my first bunny, Cinnabun. Skyler and Nomi died after her but she's still the one that makes me the saddest. Is it because she was so young and I don't feel she got to live a full life? Nomi was only a year old when she died and Skyler was 2, so they weren't exactly up their in age, either, but I also didn't meet them until they were adults so maybe their young ages didn't seem as obvious to me.

It will be "interesting" (I put it in quotation marks because while it will be interesting, heart rending and horrifying are better words to describe it!) to see if things change after Rory dies. It is simply indisputable that he is my favorite bunny. In all honesty, when Tallulah was still alive, if I had to pick between the two of him, I would have chosen him. Thank goodness he's still perfectly healthy at 6 years old, but I know the date of his death gets closer every single day. I wonder if after he dies, the pain I feel over Tallulah's death will be eclipsed by his, or if I'll go back to her after a while, or maybe (hopefully?) with time I will kind of release both of them  I will ALWAYS miss her and love her but it would be nice to look back on her short life happily instead of with tears in my eyes.

In other news, a week or so ago I submitted a drawing of Tallulah to have made into a pendant. This is the small company that does it: http://www.kidzcandesign.com/examples They don't just do kids' drawings, obviously! It's a drawing of Lula asleep on a crescent moon that Minda drew. She gave me permission to make a couple tiny changes so it would work for a pendant better. It should be ready in a couple weeks and I can't wait to get it! I will wear it all the time. Would share the drawing but I kind of want it to be a surprise


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