# Does this relationship smell bad?



## whiskylollipop (Sep 29, 2014)

Need some big-sisterly advice from the community. I don't trust my boyfriend. He has hidden things from me in the past and I feel he continues to hide things. He won't let me use his phone, for example. We have been together 3 years, live together, and as I am a student and only have a part-time job, he pays about 70% of the rent/bills. So I am kinda dependent on him. This is my first serious relationship and I have no one to turn to, no mom or anything, so here I am pouring it all out on a forum.

It gets a little bit NSFW. Kids under 16 and strong traditionalists should probably stop reading now.

He has an ex and a daughter. He is a good dad. He will swear up and down about how much he hates his awful ex and only communicates with her regarding their daughter, but a few days ago he accidentally sent me a text meant for his ex. While it was not a romantic/sexual text, it was worded very...intimately, like how you might text a sister or best friend. I didn't pursue it but I felt a bit deceived.

We fight quite a bit, but generally he treats me well. But the relationship feels primarily sexual on his part. I don't know.

He has a not high-paying but still decent white-collar job, yet never has money for anything. Last time we went on a date was 8 months ago. I have to buy him clothes. Small red flag?

So going by my increasingly unsettled gut feeling, I utilised certain skills (blind guessing and luck - lol) to bypass his security password on his phone and snooped his texts and emails.

Things I discovered:



He signed up on a dating website in July. An Asian dating website. I am Asian. This grosses me out and makes me feel fetishized... anyway, not the point. He apparently last logged in 5 days ago.
He does not appear to have actually contacted anyone on the website. Nor did he post pics. But he did fill out the long "About Me" list quite accurately, calling himself athletic and attractive. Ha.
Possibly the reason for this is that there is some uncertainty in our relationship, my dad wants me to go back to my home country after I graduate. So boyfriend's been scared I'd leave him. Still he always said he wanted me to stay, wants to marry me, grow old with me. Would a guy who truly felt that way sign up on a dating site as a "back up" to replace me so easily if I left?
He asked his ex (a pharmacist) for lube and a box of condoms. She texted back that lol, he goes through a lot of lube. We do not use lube or condoms. I have never seen any bottles of lube or condoms anywhere in our apartment.
However, we have talked about starting to use condoms as the pill messes me up a bit. But he says he hates using condoms though. I have not ever pressured him to get some.
His ex once texted him that he "got her pregnant under false pretenses." What does that even mean. He's cagey when he tells me about how she got pregnant. First it was, they thought he was sterile, then it gradually changed to "condom broke". I don't even know what to think.
He calls his daughter by the same affectionate nickname he calls me. I am icked out forever.
He is quite affectionate with his ex at times, calling her "silly", "dear", etc. But they are clearly not romantically involved, just close. Why would he lie about that.
I did not find any solidly incriminating cheating texts/emails.


So there's my wild night of phone snooping and heartbreak. What do I do? What does this mean? Am I insane? I feel insane.


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## Sophie's Humble Servant (Sep 29, 2014)

Nope, you are not insane. We have instincts for a reason. I like to think I have a lot of relationship experience and this all sounds very suspicious and dodgey to me. All the things you've mentioned about his behaviour are big red flags. If you feel it's worth confronting him about it, do so but in my honest opinion, I would get out of the relationship. That's just me. I used to give many chances to previous ex's and it was a complete waste of time. I'm at the point in my life where if someone is acting dodgy, they get one chance to explain themselves. If I'm not happy with the answer or bad behaviour continues, I am GONE! Life is too short to waste yourself on bad people. Sorry, that's harsh but that's how I feel.
Good luck with whatever you do.


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## bunnyman666 (Sep 29, 2014)

From an uncle's perspective- I think you have problems here. He is definitely playing you. I would say that your gut is spot on. 

I am not going to tell you what to do, but let's just say that you should not try to rationalise his behaviour.


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## whiskylollipop (Sep 29, 2014)

Fair points, however I am kinda stuck with him because I'm a foreigner, we live together, and you know, the bunnies. I was planning on marrying him. I don't have a back up plan, or anywhere to go if I break up with him. The easiest option is to stick with him until I graduate, than get the hell out. I don't know if I can keep up the act.

Also, this is probably total Stockholm's, but he is actually a pretty decent person. I don't want to lie to him or hurt him. Yeah, he probably has a gross thing for sex and Asian women, but I didn't find any PROOF OF CHEATING, you know? He's probably never done anything actually wrong. Okay the lube and condoms thing kind of suggests he does (or wants to), but... ugh I'm still making excuses, aren't I.

I don't know, what do I do? Tell him that I snooped, and what I found? I texted his ex asking to meet up so I can straighten out the lube story once and for all, but she won't reply. I'm kinda worried now, given the fact that they're close, that she'll back him up entirely and cover for him or something.


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## bunnyman666 (Sep 29, 2014)

The first question is what made you feel the need to snoop?

Yes, if he is as close to his ex, he ALREADY knows you've snooped, since you have asked to meet up with her. If he weren't playing games, he would have already confronted you.

The foreigner situation makes it a bit tough. 

I don't think he has the same regard to YOUR feelings, IMO.

Crikey- I am not envying you at this moment. 

You will figure out what to do. We all know the answer deep within ourselves. 

Good luck and don't hesitate to bounce ideas off of us.


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## Sophie's Humble Servant (Sep 29, 2014)

You are not stuck with him. There are always options. Maybe your options don't seem that great at the moment but it's also not great to stay in a relationship where you feel like you have to stay. Those types of relationships are unhealthy and can end very badly. In my opinion the only option in life is to BE HAPPY. You always have a choice, there are resources to help you. Sometimes we think that we can't leave a relationship because we've invested in it, emotionally, physically, spiritually, monetary, etc. But, the biggest investment should always be in YOURSELF. Bottom line, whatever you choose, the right decision is what will uplift you and make you happy and have something that adds positivity every day of your life.
Ok, I'll get off my soapbox now, I'm being wayyyy too Dr. Phil here lol


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## bunnyman666 (Sep 29, 2014)

One more thing-

Men ALWAYS fantasise. While I know what you're going through with the fetish thing (as I had more than a few women date me JUST for my "foreign" accent), at least you're his type. But the fact it is a dating site, rather than a porn site is a HUGE red flag. Yes, I said a porn site is better to find than a dating site, as porn is for fantasy; dating is, well for dating. Just a man's perspective.


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## OakRidgeRabbits (Sep 29, 2014)

whiskylollipop said:


> I don't trust my boyfriend.



This is your answer. There are options for leaving the situation. It may be difficult, but I would pursue advice from your school's counselors or even close friends.


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## whiskylollipop (Sep 29, 2014)

Thanks guys, everything you've said is true and it means so so much to me. I'm actually feeling so much relief, I have been carrying around this depressive weight for so long and just couldn't figure out what it was; I had a nice boyfriend who came home to me every night and told me he loved me, what more could I ask for, right? I was so in denial I'm pretty disgusted with myself.

Still, this throws my whole life plan off track. Warning: it's about to get real deep and personal and lame. I came to NZ to get away from the oppressive family atmosphere I grew up under back home, and before I met him, I was so free and happy. Marrying him was supposed to be the last cut to the ties I had with my family. Now what reason do I have to stay here? (Chinese parents do not accept "because I want to" as a logical reason) Do I just go back and live with my parents, back to square one? 'Cause that's just as depressing as the thought of leaving my boyfriend.

He will fight it with every emotional heartstring of mine he can possibly pull. He'll probably cry and stuff. I honestly don't know how I'll deal with that.

And then he will go out of his way to be as big of an arsehole to me as he can.

Man, if I could go back in time.

Really disappointed in his ex, btw. Girls should stick together. I would never sit back and let a girl invest herself in a serious relationship with someone I knew was a colossal wanker. The reason he's an EX in the first place. Holy creepers.


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## Sophie's Humble Servant (Sep 29, 2014)

Biggest word of advice: if you're going to leave, make a plan first, then leave, then tell him you left. Nothing is more scary than letting a man know you're going to leave, not having a plan in place, then see them get desperate to make you stay or they lash out in anger because of your decision. I don't know your boyfriend and to be frank, it doesn't sound like you know him either. You never know how someone will act when you tell them you're leaving. I had an ex threaten to kill my pets when I told him I was breaking up with him and moving out. Not trying to scare you just make sure you prepare ahead of time if you plan on leaving. And yes, girls should stick together but since you're dealing with his ex, who could possibly have feelings for him, you can't expect much I don't think.
I also think that moving back home shouldn't be seen as starting from scratch. It's merely another stepping stone in the path of life, nothing to be ashamed of and you'll get back in track in no time.


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## whiskylollipop (Sep 29, 2014)

Also: about the fetish thing, I can't possibly begin to describe how much skeevier Asian fetishization is compared to exotic-accent fetishization. Let me paint a picture, of a 9 year old girl curiously discovering porn on the internet for the first time, only to see her race, her ethnic identity, as one of the porn categories.

Also: goddamn, so the poor daughter has TWO terrible human beings for parents. This is no way to raise a girl, not in the age of feminism and social justice. I should kidnap the little bugger.

Also: I'm like, camping out in uni. I can't go home to him. How did I sink so low? Get it together already.

:yuck


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## bunnyman666 (Sep 29, 2014)

In my experience, girls who are strangers only stick together in movies. I have three sisters, and the only girls who "stick together" are related. Please note this is my observation.

As far as why you want to stay in NZ, you are trying to make a good life in NZ, right? "Because I want to" can seem so defiant; "Because I can make a good life here" has much more weight. Basically means the same thing, but can sound like there is more of a purpose.

I did date Asian, a few times. A few ladies from different countries from China to Iran. No, it is not a fetish thing for me. I have dated many races, nationalities and "types". I have no type; I just like women!!! btw- I married a fellow Brit of Sicillian extraction... Having met a few Asian womens' parents, I kinda know a teeny bit of what you are going through. Your parents want the best for you; but it feels over powering. Telling your parents that you want to do your own thing whilst respecting them is hard to convey. Distance helps, for certain. I might not be accurate in what you're going through; I mean no disrespect. 

Stay strong when it comes to wanker boy!!!! Remember what emotional place his sneakiness has put you in. I know it is hard as hell to do in practise, but remember what he has done to mind f*** you. 

Good luck, once again.


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## bunnyman666 (Sep 29, 2014)

whiskylollipop said:


> Also: about the fetish thing, I can't possibly begin to describe how much skeevier Asian fetishization is compared to exotic-accent fetishization. Let me paint a picture, of a 9 year old girl curiously discovering porn on the internet for the first time, only to see her race, her ethnic identity, as one of the porn categories.
> 
> Also: goddamn, so the poor daughter has TWO terrible human beings for parents. This is no way to raise a girl, not in the age of feminism and social justice. I should kidnap the little bugger.
> 
> ...



Ack. Especially with the child present with porn. I feel creeped out for you. Wow. Yuck. I apologise...

Yes, I agree- that child does NOT belong with those people.


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## Ana_The_Dreamer (Sep 29, 2014)

I'm so sorry, Laura.  I agree with everything the others have said. I truly hope you figure all this out. 
Trust forms the foundation of intimate relationships and if you no longer trust him, there is no point in trying to save the relationship. Trust is a hard thing to earn back and repair.
It is complicated by the fact that you live with him and I think I read that he pays 70% of the bills and such; but not nearly as complicated as it would be if you were married, had children, etc.In my opinion it will be much easier to find alternative living arrangements and navigate your way into a healthier lifestyle than it will be to attempt heal from the emotional damage that has already been done to your personal relationship with him. (If in fact emotional damage has been done. I'm simply speaking from experience  )
I've been through trust issues while in a serious relationship, and it did not end well. I tried to save the relationship but the reality was I was overly attached to him and he was playing me like a violin. Go with your gut instinct. You deserve so much more than to be taken advantage of or whatever else the circumstance is.
Sorry if that wasn't the best advice in the world, I'm not the best at offering advice.  My heart goes out to you.


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## whiskylollipop (Sep 29, 2014)

Thank you, Ana, words of comfort mean SO much at this point oh god you're gonna make me cry in uni like a loser you guysssssss

Should I do the right thing and leave him, or the sociopathic thing and stay with him, insidiously f*ck*ng him up with love and casual mentions of lube and ThaiCupid dot com, occasionally calling his daughter "bubs", right up until the day he drives me to the airport and I turn around and rip up the return ticket from behind the glass of the departure lounge?


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## bunnyman666 (Sep 29, 2014)

Just do the right thing; the sociopathic thing seems to feel better until you look at it in retrospect.


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## Azerane (Oct 1, 2014)

Hey, it seems that you've pretty much already come to a decision but just wanted to say a few things. Firstly, snooping in any relationship is bad, however having said that, the fact that you snooped says something about the lack of trust and honesty in the relationship. Basically that you shouldn't have to snoop to find out something in a healthy relationship.

I'm not going to tell you what you should do either, but I agree to certainly look at your options before you cut ties. Would you have to leave NZ? Obviously you're still studying, but could you get more hours at work, find a cheaper place to rent, find ways to cut spending on certain things? It's not ideal but even finding a share house with strangers could be another back-up. None of those things have to be permanent either, simply a stepping stone to your next stage.

Unhealthy relationships can certainly sneak up on you, I'm in a long-distance relationship and on my last visit I didn't realise how unhappy I was at that time until after I returned home. It took me a long time to work out and then even longer for us to work through those issues. Trust does not return easily to a relationship once it's lost.


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## whiskylollipop (Oct 1, 2014)

I agree about snooping, but justified suspicions about him kinda hit me in the face. It turns out, however, that I am quite good at faking the relationship while I figure out what to do, so for now he suspects nothing. Everything feels so surreal. I am going to leave him - how exactly is a much tougher subject. All my stuff and 3 years of collected house things are here. The bunnies are here. His daughter, who likes me uncommonly much and won't take me leaving well. Ugh.


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## pani (Oct 1, 2014)

I don't have much else to add, but I'm sorry you're going through this Laura.  It would be a tough situation to handle. If you ever need to talk/vent, we're always here! *e-hugs*


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## BunMomma (Oct 1, 2014)

Hi there, I'm so sorry you're going through this...I agree with the ladies and men here. I've been in similar situations in the past but no more. You don't want to think that he won't hurt your bunnies but I do agree if you want to leave, leave first with your bunnies and then tell him why. Also if you are a student there may be information on campus about programs or low cost housing you know? Much luck to you and you are not going nuts. Hugzz


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## bunnyman666 (Oct 1, 2014)

whiskylollipop said:


> I agree about snooping, but justified suspicions about him kinda hit me in the face. It turns out, however, that I am quite good at faking the relationship while I figure out what to do, so for now he suspects nothing. Everything feels so surreal. I am going to leave him - how exactly is a much tougher subject. All my stuff and 3 years of collected house things are here. The bunnies are here. His daughter, who likes me uncommonly much and won't take me leaving well. Ugh.



I was where you are. I was in a pinch economically in a foreign country. Use your wiles to talk yourself out of being caught snooping. Men are stupid enough to be wooed that way. Yes, it is gross and disgusting; but you have you and your bunnies' survival to think about. Just keep your eye on the prize.

good luck again.


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## Katiedarling (Dec 6, 2014)

Whoa. Not even sure where to begin, other than to say you are absolutely in no way even close to insane. Not even on the same planet! The whole story was one red flag after another. Pardon my blunt nature, but RUN! You are too young, too smart and life is too short. At 41yo and 15 years married I say ALWAYS follow your gut. It never ever lies. And as far as anything skeeving you out, if you're anything like me, once skeeved always skeeved. I have a hard time turning that one around once it starts. I sure you hope you figure it all out and that everything works out in your favor. When you find the right person, the ONE, you'll know. I can't explain it other than to say, it will feel "right". Comfortable and relaxed from the get go. He will make you completely forget you ever dated anyone before him and from the first few moments, it'll seem Like y'all have been together forever. And please don't laugh at how insane this sounds, but he may even "smell" right. It sounds crazy, but just my husbands scent was comforting. It still is. It was so weird but it's true. Good luck to you!

"We are given two hands to hold, two legs to walk, two eyes to see and two ears to listen, but why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else for us to find"

You need to find your second heart and hold on to it.


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## BunMomma (Dec 15, 2014)

I was in a similar scenario 2 yes ago except my ex fiancé had 5 kids from a previous marriage n he lied like he breathed. His youngest daughters loved me a lot too but it was about protecting my bunny and then me also. I left, came back to be closer to my Daddy and that was the best thing I did. Not to mention he lied about his high paying job n I nearly lost all of my money to help take care of his kids. He had shared custody. Trust me, save yourself and your bunny!!! Run!!!


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## fluffybuns (Apr 14, 2015)

This is the 3rd time this month I've heard of a woman moving to NZ for school and having her heart broken by a man. The other two women of whom I speak both ditched their dudes and moved back to the U.S. That sucks because NZ is such a coveted place to live and its tough (and expensive) to establish a life there for foreigners. If it were me, would dump bozo boyfriend on the grounds of dishonesty and lack of trust and either move in with another friend until I finished school or I would arrange my schedule as to minimize time around bozo until graduation. 
As long as the bunnies are safe around him, I guess there's no problem sticking around.
If my fiancé and I were to fall apart (which would never happen since he's perfect) I would take the bunnies with me. I know a gypsy guy who travelled across the country in a minivan/rabbit house and it was so sweet! He had his rabbits totally car trained and they had their own play area in the back of the van. It was just a cheap van he got off craigslist too! Mostly the bunnies would sit in the passenger seat and look out the window.


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