# I just want it to stop!!!!



## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 8, 2012)

As most of you know, Audrina is not my husband's biological child. For those that dont know, my daughters biological father has been in prison since I was 3 months pregnant with Audrina. He is not on her birth certificate and has never had contact with her. My mother decided to tell him that he is the father. Thanks mom. She also gave him my address. Thanks again mom. So now I randomly get letters. The last letter I got, sent me into hysterics, so me and my husband consulted with a lawyer. We wanted to do an adoption, but we decided not to because we would have to pay for his lawyer. Theres the background.

Today, my doorbell rang, it was the mailman. He had a certified letter for me to sign. When I saw who it was from, I had already started to sign. I immediately stopped and asked the mailman if I had to accept the letter. He said no I could refuse the letter. So I did. It's being returned to him in prison. Of course, it sent me into hysterics again. I dont know why getting a letter from him does this to me. I know there is nothing he can do. Even the lawyer has told us that. He cant do anything until he pays for a paternity test. I dont see him doing that, but he could. Its all the "what if's" that get me so upset. i also feel bad because my hubby has to deal with all this too. I wish he didnt have to. Not that he doesnt want to, he would much rather me stay out of it and let him deal with it, but I just cant do that. Audrina will be 14 when he gets out. I hope that she will not want any contact with him, but its not a guarantee. 

He knows how to get me riled up. He sends me something around the holidays or audrina's birthday. If he doesnt, then my mom does. They really know how to upset me and its really unfair that they do this on important occasions. I just wish they would stop. Sending that letter back today is either going to make him really mad to where he will send more, or he will quit wasting his money and not send them. I just dont know what to do

Sorry this was so long. I needed to get it all out:bigtears:


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## JBun (Dec 8, 2012)

Sometimes the best thing to do with some people is to deny them access to your life. Just don't open anything from him, return to sender unopened. Maybe he'll get the hint. I don't know what your mom is like or your relationship is with her, but if I had a mom that was purposely trying to stir up trouble or cause trouble in my life, I think I would be doing the same with her too, deny any access to my life and return all corespondence unopened. Sometimes, you have to try and work out things with family members, but there is also a point too, where you just have to draw the line and say no more, because it is doing no good, or even causing harm to you or your husband and kid, and causing too much stress and turmoil in your lives.


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## Sweetie (Dec 8, 2012)

Couldn't you get a court order for him to not send you or your daughter letters?

I think the reason why he is sending letters is so he can be in his daughter's life, he may be trying to be a father even though he is in prison.

When your daughter is 18 years old she can make the decision whether or not she wants contact with her biological father. No adoption will stop that.

When I was growing up, I have always wanted to be in contact with my biological dad. Finally at age 17 years, I was able to have contact with him, and I am glad I did. He and I have had contact from when I was 17 until I was 28. He passed away in 2005 from lung cancer.

I hope things go better for you and your daughter.


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## Penelope-Primrose (Dec 8, 2012)

Hi, I understand how you feel, I can't state many of the details but trust me you are much better off then a person very close to me, the guy actually has rights to her child because he signed the birth certificate and is married to her (going through divorce right now) their kid is 1 years old and I love that child with my whole heart and would lay down my life for her but I know that he could take her and we might not be able to see her again...
And as to your daughter having contact with her 'other' father, I don't think she will unless your mother (who reminds me of a woman I know meddling woman...) arranges something, so I would just keep an eye on everything maybe try to get a restraining order.


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 8, 2012)

Let me explain why I dont want him having contact with me or my daughter. He went to prison on 17 different charges. Breaking and enterings, grand larceny, grand larceny with intent to sell, credit card fraud, drug charges...even down to littering. He has 3 kids all together. One his parents have custody. The other one he has never wanted anything to do with and never has. And audrina, who he has just started to show interest in thanks to my mom and because he likes to upset me. Believe me, having another child to pay child support for is not what he wants. He couldnt care less about her, he just likes the fact that he can upset me. My mom hasnt seen my daughter in 2 years because she decided to spread rumors all over the internet about me and talk about my child, then we had to take trespassing charges out on her because she decided to drive her car in our yard, destroy our yard, and threw a bunch of glass and breakable stuff on my front porch when I told her she wouldn't be having a part of me or my daughters life. I have letters from my daughter's biological father admitting to being addicted to crack, the physical abuse he subjected me to (choking me until I passed out, dragging me around by my hair, hitting me). This is why I dont want him around. But my mother, being spiteful, decided to give him all of our information so he could get in touch with me. 

The lawyer said I can not do a restraining order or put an order in for the letters to stop because he isn't threatening me or my daughter. Same with my mom. Her letters contain subliminal threats, i know she's threatening me, but the cops and lawyers dont see it that way.


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## Anaira (Dec 8, 2012)

May I ask why he is in prison? Is he deemed unsafe around children, or unsafe full stop? 
And what is in the letters that upsets you so much, if you don't mind me asking? If he's being abusive, or something like that, then it'd be easy enough to just go to the prison, or something, and make sure he sends no more.


edit; well, that's what I get for getting distracted while writing a reply! I missed your reply. Ok, that is totally fair enough, you don't need a guy like that around in her life. Couldn't you claim harassment, or something?


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## Anaira (Dec 8, 2012)

But here is what you need to do(although I realize you are pregnant, so more easily upset). When you get a letter, remember that is your past. You are better than that. You are above him. You are above being upset by him, because he is simply not worth it. You have a man, who really IS a man, and not a cockroach like him, and he is in jail, where he will stay. He is like a...fly in a jar. Buzzing away, annoying you, but it's all futile, because you are so much bigger than that. 

Although, if he sends presents for Audrina; I think you should accept them. This is just my personal opinion, and I'm not in the full picture, so can't fully judge, but I do think this. A present is a present, no matter where it came from; and when all is said and done, he is her father. Unworthy of it, but he is. It is the most Audrina will likely ever get from him, so I think she should have at least that. He doesn't need to have contact from you, but if he sends them; hey, he's stuck in jail for the next 11 years. Maybe he has fun choosing gifts for her, who knows.


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 8, 2012)

I honestly dont understand what upsets me so much about his letters. I guess because I want to protect Audrina. We are still trying to figure it out with my therapist. The only thing we have come up with is my childhood. I was ripped from my mom when I was 10, somehow my dad got custody of me, he abused me my entire teenage years. i guess thats what worries me. I dont want him sinking his claws into my daughter. So his letters really upset me. I get really scared. Even my lawyer has said that I would practically have to be a crackhead prostitute on the side of the road for him to be able to take her from me. And even then its a long shot with his criminal record. But my dad was able to get me and do an illegal adoption on me with my stepmother. I dont know, its all so confusing. I just want to protect my baby. He demands me in his letters to send him pictures of her and give him updates. He always says that my husband will only ever be audrina's stepfather because he didn't have a part in making her. My view on it is, he should've thought about all that before he chose to put himself back in prison. He made the choice to not be a parent to the 2 other children he has, so why should I have sympathy for him now? My husband is the only father audrina has ever known. That is her daddy. Her biological father cant break that bond. This is the third time he has been in prison. His son that his parents have custody of, barely knows him because he has been in and out of jail so much. It doesn't say much about me considering I was with him for 2 years before he went back to prison. Yes, I was running wild...i should'nt have gotten with him, but if I didn't, I wouldn't have Audrina and I cant imagine life without her. But I cleaned up my act and had to do what was best for my daughter.


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## Anaira (Dec 8, 2012)

Oh, it's understandable that they do upset you; but you just have to think, he is behind bars for the next 11 years. I'm going to place a bet you will have moved by that time, and he won't even know where you live. He won't get to see her. 11 years is a long time; he'll probably have lost interest by that time, especially as you won't be responding, or anything. I'd actually reverse my opinion before; if you return all presents and letters with 'no longer at this address' he might think you've moved. Maybe you could even let him know you are 'moving' at a certain time, say next March or something.

And yeah, the past is the past, no need to regret anything you did. I've seen abusive relationships, it's hard to get out of them. It was good timing on his part that he went back in when he did! 

It's good you have a therapist, I hope it helps.


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 8, 2012)

Thank you. I hope to be moved in the next 11 years haha. I want to get out of this city. I hate it here lol. too much traffic and i want to be in the country. My therapist is a big help. He keeps me sane  My husband tries, but you know men, they are fixers. Sometimes I just need to vent and get things out, but before I get a chance to speak, he is already trying to fix the problem. Its so funny how different we are. The letters stress me out and upset me, where my husband just laughs them off. I wish I could do that


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## cerigirl (Dec 8, 2012)

Mark the letters return to sender. There is no reason for anyone like that in you life or Audrina's. You have climbed out of the wreck for you and your daughter and the only thing those letters do is remind you where you came from. It's good to remember the past because it has made you the strong woman that you are but keep it in the past. Don't accept his letters.


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 8, 2012)

It felt really good to refuse that letter today and have it sent back to him. A whole lot better than reading his letters and demands. I will definitely keep returning them because I cant deal with the stress that comes with them. I am going to do the same thing with my mother's letters. Funny thing is, before I stopped talking to her, she kept telling me not to respond to his letters, audrina doesnt need to be around him, he's no good, etc...but the minute I walked away from her, she stabbed me in the back by writing him and giving him all of my information. All to be spiteful. She supposedly loves audrina soooo much, but she decided to do this...disgusting


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## Imbrium (Dec 9, 2012)

I would definitely continue to return whatever crap he sends - far better than tossing stuff out, as it sends the message that you refuse to even give him the opportunity to get to you by reading them.

I'm really sorry you're stuck dealing with such toxic, childish personalities. one person like that in your life is bad enough; I can't imagine having to not only deal with two at once, but to have them conspiring against you and both refusing to accept your attempts to cut them out of your life... it's enough to seriously wear at anyone's sanity! as difficult as it is, the best thing to do and the ONLY way to win against those types is to refuse all contact and refuse to let them get to you. every time you return an unopened letter without letting it upset you, remind yourself what a HUGE victory that is - you're denying them what they want, which is to get under your skin.

you've got a daughter and another baby on the way to worry about and are married to a wonderful husband who wants to let you lean on him when life gets stressful - you have better things to do than deal with BS from people you're trying to leave in the past. you deserve to have a happy life and be free of their spiteful behavior.


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## agnesthelion (Dec 9, 2012)

Wow. Sorry for this. And this is alot of stress for you while pregnant too!

I don't have much to add I agree with what everyone else has said. Definitely continue to refuse his letters and cut him out of your life. 

And I have to ask, why would your own mother want to be spiteful to you? What does she say about why she is doing this!???


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 9, 2012)

She is doing all of this because I wont allow her around Audrina. I wish I would've listened to my dad (as terrible as he is, he was right about her). He told me not to associate with her. But when I turned 18 I wanted to know why. So I found her. Needless to say, he was right. She is crazy, manipulative, and spiteful. She is 43 years old and hangs out with some of my 25 year old ex-friends. She goes to bars with them, gets drunk, drives drunk...and shes dating a 26 year old guy. Im 24. He is the age that I would date. Not really a great mother figure. When she doesn't get what she wants, she goes to extreme's to hurt whoever is in her path...my dad said she has always been that way. I havent spoke to my dad in 5 years because of his abusiveness, and I havent spoke to my mom going on 3 years because of this crap.


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## kmaben (Dec 9, 2012)

We have this old family friend who's a bit....off. She would always say just eat some Velveeta and hide under the covers until you feel better.

I prefer chocolate and wine but since your pregnant I guess the velveeta will have to do!


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 9, 2012)

HAHA KALEY!!!! I think i'll do a dr. Pepper and some laffy taffy and maybe some salt and vinegar potato chips! Thats my kryptonite right now...cheese doesnt sit very well with me at this point...and for some odd reason, now I'm craving a egg nog latte from starbucks!


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## kmaben (Dec 9, 2012)

Who isn't craving a starbucks eggnog latte?


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 10, 2012)

just so you all know, the McDonalds egg nog milk shake is AMAZING!!!


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## I_heart_Fraggles (Dec 10, 2012)

I did some research for you and I think you should call the superintendent of the prison he is at and tell them you want the letters to stop. Then drop all contact with your mother. There are anti harassment orders you can get that are different from the restraining order that comes from someone threatening you. I would look into them as well....


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 10, 2012)

thanks katie. I havent had any contact with my mother. She has people call my husbands phone but he just doesnt answer calls from numbers he doesnt know anymore. Sometimes they leave a message and sometimes they. Im definitely going to look into it tho


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## ams1786 (Dec 10, 2012)

Just my two cents...I know you must be miserable right now, and it's understandable that you don't want someone who threatened your life around your daughter. But re: the letters, I think it sounds like you know from experience no matter how bad a parent's made out to be, a child still has an innate desire to know them and will find a way. If you try to cut off all contact, your daughter could resent that when she's older, no matter how illogical. Again, just an idea, but I think you should save the letters in some forgotten corner or even give them to your lawyer to hold and them when she's 18, or younger if she's mature. You can then sit her down, explain why she doesn't have contact with her biological father and that he was a threat to her safety, and then show her the letters and say you trust her judgement to do what them as she sees fit. That's assuming, of course, the letters are appropriate. It seems you regret not believing your dad about your mom, but when a kid's told not to do something they're gonna do it. If you treat her like an adult and let her make her own judgement, it's much more likely that she'll trust your opinion of him and not think you're trying to hide something, run off and get in a position like you had to deal with your mom. Might be the best way to protect her.

Again, just my two cents after stumbling accross this thread. Hope I didn't say anything wrong! Best of luck.


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## MiniLopHop (Dec 10, 2012)

:hug1I'm so sorry you have to deal with these people. It must be horribly stressful and you don't need that in your life. It's good you are cutting them out of your life and raising above it all. Sometimes family is not the blood you came from, but the wonderful people who you find in life that support and love you.

My biological family is toxic and I really restrict contact to what is safe for me. My husband's family embraced me and now I feel much closer to them than anyone in my biological family. Just because this "man" was a sperm donor does not make him a father, by a long shot. Your husband is obviously her father in every way that matters. You are raising her right and when she's older I'm sure she will be able to appreciate everything you have done to protect her. Hang in there.


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## Nancy McClelland (Dec 10, 2012)

Why we moved 800 miles away--hate my family mostly because the only time I ever heard from them is when they wanted money--notice I didn't say "borrow" because that would mean they would pay it back. My mom died in March two years ago and I didn't find out till the end of June--my sister had finally finished going thru all the posessions and sold off everything, even though I was supposed to be the executor. Best if you could move and not leave any forwarding instructions--lot of work to contact everyone, but, well worth it.


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## holtzchick (Dec 10, 2012)

Yes I do agree.

My boyfriends father left him and his mother when he was 8 and then his mom met and fell in love with his now step dad. His step dad is the sweetest man in the world and continues to care for him like his own child to this day. Even though he does still have contact with his dad (sadly) he will still call him by his step dads name and you can just see the look on his dads face as he says it.

Sometimes people don't change or may change with age and wisdom gained along the way. Perhaps a ten year sentence will teach that sore loser about the finer things in life such as love family and stability, but maybe not. Best thing is really to move and cut off all contact at least while Audrina is still young and will not remember. I know you have so many things going on in your life right now. It's really a stretch to say but we are all here for you for emotional support and you ve got your husband as well. Best of luck in whatever you chose to do!


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## agnesthelion (Dec 10, 2012)

audrinasmommy88 said:


> just so you all know, the McDonalds egg nog milk shake is AMAZING!!!



I keep wanting to try that!


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## audrinasmommy88 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks everyone for all of the advice. I feel that what I am doing with this situation is truly the best for audrina. He is nothing but a liar, and thats all he's ever been. He's a 3 time convicted felon. Chances are more than good that he is going to spend his life in and out of jail. thats all he has done with his life thus far. He's going to be almost 40 when he gets out this time. I dont think that it is good for audrina to deal with that disappointment and having him in and out of her life. When she is old enough to understand, I fully intend on telling her about him and letting her make her decision from there. But you can bet your life, if she decides to ever see him, she will NEVER be alone with him. When she makes it to adulthood, I have no say, but before then, I will not allow her to be with him unsupervised. He can not be trusted. I dont want him introducing her to the world he was involved in. I will never keep this from her, she has the right to know. Me and my husband have always agreed on that because we dont want to keep anything from her. But, I will not tell her until she is at an age where she can fully grasp the severity of the situation.


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## LakeCondo (Dec 10, 2012)

I think it will be easier to refuse any further mail, now you've done it once. But I think it's worth trying to get the prison to block mail to your address.


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