# The Enderbies get Kicked Out



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

I hate my dad. Always have. He's not much of afather. Or a dad. I like to call him my sperm donor. We've never had agood relationship. Or any kind of a positive relationship. Its just animpossibility. Try to make friends with a rabid dog, you mightunderstand what is like once you get bitten and sick and go crazy. He'sbeen foaming at the mouth for years.

Today he flipped out because I had the Enderbies in my room. They'vebeen there for over a month and he didn't even know. Thats how muchthey bother him. Today he poked his head in my room and noticed themthere for the first time and screamed at me and flipped out and swore alot and he yells really really loud when he's upset. HE won't listen tome talk, interrupts me the whole time. I acn never get a word out. Heused to get like this when my brother couldn't solve a math problem. Sohe'd hit him in the head until he wrote something down. Then hit himagain because his letters and numbers were sloppy. Yousucceed in writing and thinking clearly with satan breathing down yourback in the midst of the apocolypse with beer goggles on, and i'll tellyou my brother was at fault and should have done a better job.

My dad never hit me, but will push and scream in my face. He's extremlyrude to me and my mummy, and would yell at mum for not doing somethingwhen she had been making him dinner for the past how many hours. He'salways disrespectful and such a tyrant. Never listens or cares aboutanyone but himself in the end. He's one of those dads that are like ''MY house MY rules MY everything". My room isn't even mine. 

When I was little he used to threaten to kill my bunnies if I didsomething wrong or didn't do something right. He would say ''You hadbetter ____ or you'll come home and those F****ing rabbits will bedead!". My mum never stood up to him. She would just hold me while Icried. And say she understood. I think she's afraid of him. I'm notafraid of him. I'm afraid of what he'll do because he's a lunatic, forserious. 

So today he really really flipped out. He seriously doesn't hold backone bit. Nothing. Its all out madness. Think Texas Chainsaw Massacremeets the Battle of Appamatox meets Drill instructor fromFull Metal Jacket. 
Remember what happened to the drill instructor? 

You know how the kids that always shot up school and their peers andteachers....were always the ones that had been dealing with the mostcrap all the time? I have enough emotional and mental problems to dealwith. I used to be extremely suicidal but I didn't want to sit in ahospital all day like my doctor said I would so I told her I was fine.Its a good thing Erron moved in with me at the time.

I feel so hopeless. I have no credit. No place with give me a creditcard, i'll be trying some new thigns to build credit in the future, butI honestly can't get out of her fast enough. I tried to emancipatemyself when I was 17, but because my dad never actually hit me, itwasn't a possibility. I guess your perant(s) have to actually hurt youphysically, nd emotional damage doesn't count. Way to go people'srights. Basically its ok and legal for my dad to do this, and they knowfor a fact what all this emotional torment does to people. A kid rightdown the street from me killed his mother a few years back. And yetthis is still alright.

Basically my dad said the rabbits had to go outside IMMEDIATELY(hellooo its 20 degrees outside and these rabbtis cost me $500 and ohyeha they're sick)
response?
"I DONT F***ing CARE! YOU GET THEM OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW OR I'M GOING TO CHOP THEM UP INTO LITTLE PIECES!!!"
He went a little more in-depth than that, but to spare you my own nightmares, i'll say no more.

The Enderbies are spending the night at my aunt's house, but I can'tpush her hospitality any further than one night. Mum said she'd talk todad and she had better. 
I came home and I was so upset I wa shaking and couldn't come in the house. I sat outside for 2 hours and bawled.

I'm no better than I was before. Something is wrong with me. You knowwhen something startles you and you get scared for a split secondbefore you realize its just a shadow or your cat? And your heart doesthat little jump? yeah yeah imagien that heart jump feeling....but ALLTHE TIME. Constantly, even now. I can't stop shaking and I can't thinkat all one bit. I just want to get out of here. 
The one time my dad blew his top I ran away. I just couldn't stay here.And when I got home he was still angry, even though i'd been gone allday. 

And you know what? Everyone defends him. Mum defends him, Grammydefends him, even my aunt. I thought I could find solace in talkign tothe woman I board my horse with....but she's one of ''them''. Everyonemakes up excuses for the way he acts and thats the end of it. 
"Your dad is under a lot of stress"
"Oh Jesse he works so hard"
"You need to treat your dad better, he takes care of you."
I don't bother anymore. I feel like I have no family. I honestly can'tturn to anyone. I feel like I can't get help from anywhere. When theycalled the police after I ran off, I'm surprised they didn'tinvestigate futher. When your kid runs away whats one of hte thingsthey always ask?
"Any reason she may have left?"
"No, other than the fact that her father is lord of the underworld andeternal prince of darkness I honestly can't understand why, officer."

There are people in this world that believe there is no hell, or fieryunderworld, but that hell is here on earth. At times like this, i'm oneof those people. Who am I all those other times?
HAve you seen the butterfly effect? The part where maincharacter...whats his name...Evan? something like that goes back intiem to save his dog, Crockett, and Lenny ends up killing Billy....thenin the future....he finds Lenny in a white room tied to the bed,looking up at the cieling all day....not moving....notspeaking. Thats me. No flash photography please.

I jsut thought I'd perhaps update you on the Enderbies and let you knowthat this shall probably be one of my last sane moments where I amknown as ''Jesse'' and not Patient 2058B.

I may commit myself or check into rehab. For serious. No joke. No pleafor attention. I would be gone and I can talk to people who will listenand sit on lovely manicured lawns and take happy needles in the arsewhen i'm throwing a fit. Yes I woudl be leaving a lot behind weather Idid myself in or went to this place of shrubberies and needles. But ifI stay here, chained to my bed, what good can I do....what will happento me? 

Think of ''Nancy'' from the Craft at the very end of themovie...chained to her own bed, screaming and delerious, desperate forsomeone to listen to her and believe her. That she can fly. The nursecomes in and says '' Sure you can, honey''. Then gives her the bum bumshot and Nancy just lays there and smiles. Its a good analogy. No onebelieves me, they just make me believe them. The whole while i'mchained to my rotten life under my dad's reign. HEIL!

No, you don't need to feel sorry for me. I'm not asking you to. I don'tthink there's any helpful advice you can give me, either.Though I love you all very much. You've been like, family number 2. Butnumber one when it comes to helping and listening. 


Love
-Jesse


----------



## pamnock (Feb 27, 2007)

I do feel very bad that you are stuck in thissituation that no child should ever have to endure. A child'shome should be their sanctuary - a place of safety and trust.

I hope you can be strong enough to get through this. You area wonderful young lady and will build character from enduring theemotional abuse, but this is something that will be a part of you forthe rest of your life.

Look towards your future of building a new life . . .

Pam


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

*I don't really liked to be thought of as a ''child'', but either way, this is ''home'' and that still applies. 


My house? Safe? Living here is like being a lamb in a slaughterhouse. 

There is no ''gettng through this''. I am stuck here. This IS something that will be here for the rest of my life. 

There is no future, only now. We can fantasize all we like, but it doesn't help wha'ts happening now. Wish in one hand...
My room isn't even my sanctuary. Infact my dad took my brother's dooroff it's hinges because bro kept closing it for privacy. ''MY house,you shouldn't be hiding anything''.

My brother stays late at work every night so he doesn't have to comehome. He works in a machine shop. He's 16 years old. And he'd rather bethere than home with his family. Its not uncommong for him to workuntil 9 at night. He's always asking to stay later or work extra daysbecause he doesn't want to be home. That, to me, is sad. 

I've been tryign to get a job for months, but no luck. I've appliedEVERYWHERE. Its sickening. I've applied some places more than 3 times.No calls. No interviews. I'm stuck at home all day. Always depressed asall anything. It takes everything in my power not to lay myself uponfrom pam to elbow and then I get yelled at for not doing dishes or notdoing something else or other. I don't blame my brother. I would gladlywork 12 hour shifts, too. I need a job that will abuse the fact that Ineed to sleep. 









pamnock wrote: *


> I do feel very bad that youare stuck in this situation that no child should ever have toendure. A child's home should be their sanctuary - a place ofsafety and trust.
> 
> I hope you can be strong enough to get through this. You area wonderful young lady and will build character from enduring theemotional abuse, but this is something that will be a part of you forthe rest of your life.
> 
> ...


----------



## pamnock (Feb 27, 2007)

*JAK Rabbitry wrote:*


> *I don't really liked to be thought of as a ''child'', buteither way, this is ''home'' and that still applies.
> 
> *




"Child" only in the sense that you are still under the care of your parents urplepansy:

Your father will not change, but you have the ability and intelligenceto control how you react to this situation. You will surviveand there is a furture. 



Pam


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

Wow, I get a flower.

I just live with my perants. You ever see Grandma's Boy? His one friendstill lived with his perants but he refferred to them as his''roommates''. I thought that insanely funny.


----------



## pamnock (Feb 27, 2007)

Who is supporting you? If it is notyour parents, where is your income from? You might consideremancipation if you are able to support yourself.

There is most certainly a future for you. My son's fiancee'has gone through the same situation you are suffering through now withan abusive father. She was in foster care for a year andfiled to be emancipated from her parents. She is now going toschool and working on buying a house with my son.

It can be done, but you are the only one who can make your life happen.

Pam



Here's another flower for you . . . inkpansy:


----------



## Haley (Feb 27, 2007)

Jesse, I know you dont want any pity, but Imsorry you have to go through all this. It really disturbs me to thinkof the kind of home you have to live in.

Have you tried applying for any jobs that would allow you to work withanimals? Like maybe a petstore or something? Or advertizing that youcould petsit? I think if you could find some sort of job you couldafford your own place (maybe you and Erron together could affordsomething)?

I hope things will improve for you. I know sometimes its hard to thinkabout the good in life when so much bad is happening. I'll be prayingfor you.


----------



## binkies (Feb 27, 2007)

urplepansy::bouquet:inkpansy:I just wanted to share flowers with you too. I don't exactly know whereyou are coming from on the dad side of things. But I have had more thanmy fair share of depression. I have went so far as to write the suicideletter. It is hard, very hard to come out of feeling as badas you do. And I know that nothing can be said to fix it.Coming from experience though, there are some very good medications outthere. Elavil foran example. You can even go to a regulardoctor, not a shrink to get it. 

I know you can pull through this. You are a very strong person andyou have a support line right here.


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

I am extremely bipolar and depressed and I haveA.D.D. like nobody's business. I also show about 50 symptoms ofschizophrenia but have never been tested for it.

I live in my perants' house. Thats about it. I do dishes and laundryand Erron and I pay internet and phone bills and help my perants outwhen we can. Erron picks my brother up from work and stuff or runserrands for mum and keeps us stocked with milk and stuff. Erron ha agood job that pays $17/hr though. 

I lost my job right after xmas, because of a cutback in hours. I'veapplied EVERYWHERE. I've applied at every pet store. I did get theopportunity to work at one pet store but I outright quit because theguy owed me so much money and was paying me with bounced checks and Ijust couldn't stay there. I was treated like garbage, hardly got anyhours, he was paying me $5.50 an hour and I felt so bad for half theanimals I was buying my own medicatiosn to bring in and take care ofthem. I even stole a bunny...though I told him I was stealing it. Hewas so confused but said ok. I basically grabbed her on my way out andsaid ''I'm taking this as compensation."

I applied at:
Walmart (2) &lt;- twice
Pet Supplies Plus (4)
Petco
Petsmart (2)
Eat N Park
Burger King
Micheals
Giant Eagle (2)
Toys R Us
Economy Superette
I've advertised my help as a petsitter or barn rat. no takers.
Sheetz
Exxon
Spencer's
Hot Topic
Some pagoda display about gutters, I dont' remember the name of it

And I think there's a bunch more I'm not thinking of.... But I live ina small town, there's only so much out here! I've put my resume' onlinethough. 
I did get offered a job by a friend from 4H at a coffee shop, but itskind of far, and right now our roads are so bad, I dont think it a goodidea.

I was in a bipolar study for a few years and was on various medicationsincluding vast amounts of Lithium. None of them helped and I ended upwith migraines a lot. 

Erron and I have been looking for our own place for a while. We wantedtot ake an apartment next to our friends, but they don't allow bunnies.Cats and dogs and any other animal under the sun were ok exceptbunnies. Thats how I ended up with Io, because Emily couldn't bring himto her apartment. 

Er and I have been having a buttload of trouble getting a loan, becausewe pretty much have no credit. I never really knew about the creditcard = credit score = loans thing until like last year. And Erron and Ialways wanted to be safe with our money, so we never got a credit cardbecause of the idea that we didn't like spending money that we didn'thave. So now we're trying to get a card and tha'ts proving to be ahassle. But we have some good plans for that now, so don't worry, itsjust goign to take more time than I'd like. Honestly I can't get out ofher fast enough. Maybe I can join the freak show as like...''WORLD'SONLY TALKING MUTE!" And people will gather round and i'll be like ''hi, how ya doin'?"
*GASP!*
Or " WORLD'S TALLEST MIDGET!!" And people will be like ''she looksaverage '' and the guy with the cape and handlebar mustache will belike '' BUT SHE's 5' 2!!!"

Thanks for all the flowers. I hate flowers. I always thought flowerswere such a pointless gift, such a waste of money, when they merely diein a week. A potted flower is a grand idea, because if it dies then itsyour fault. 

And I just came to the thought...once agian....me with being careful with money.

My perants are in debt like you wouldn't believe. I found out a fewyears ago from my grammy that they blew my savings and didn't tell meabout it. It'd be different if this was money they had set aside forme, but it wasn't. It was MY money that I had started saving when I wasyoung. I was about 7 maybe when I opened the account under my perants'name, I had about $650 to deposit. And a couple years later, without myconsent, it was gone. It would have been more with the interest. Butwhatever. I confronted my mother about it and she got angry with me andyelled at me. I'm not sure why, but yeah so is the life of Jesse. Ishould write a book. It'd be called;
"Dear Everybody, I HAte you
By Jesse Kubick"

So that is my hopelessness.


----------



## pamnock (Feb 27, 2007)

:clover::clover::clover::clover::clover::clover::clover::clover::clover::clover:

How about four-leaf clovers as a gesture of friendship and support? (They are just icons - I promise they won't die).

I understand how hopeless you feel when you are bi-polar. Agood friend of mine has suffered from this condition for many years andhas had a number of suicide attemtps. A recent VNS implanthas given her hope for a "normal" life.

I hope tomorrow brings you a brighter day. 



Pam


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

Aw, they remind of of the good ol' days in 4Hwhen our rabbit club had a whopping 12 people in it. And it was such asmall grubby club that when Jason bought a jersey woolie....we were alllike ''whoaaa....a purebred.....from a breeder!" And then KAtie got apair of sa-weet Silver Martens from a breeder and well, the rest of uspretty much had no chance for winning Grand Champion at the fair afterthat, but we always had a great tem and did a lot of art projects. 

The End.
-JAK


----------



## NZminilops (Feb 27, 2007)

Some dads, just aren't dads. They are as yousay, sperm, doners. My mum and dad broke up when I was 2, and mybrother was just a new born. Do you know what my first memory of my dadis? Cowering on the couch with mum and baby Chris while he gets thecoffee table and smashes in on the ground right in front of us. Henever hit any of us, but he liked to show off his violent side and hewould scream and yell until you felt like you'd been killed inside.

Fast forward to me being 11 - we'd since moved about 6 hours away fromwhere he lived (and that is a whole other story in itself involvinggetting beaten up verbally and physically by mums then boyfriend). Igot sent to live with dad for 'acting out'. He couldn't afford anywhereto live so we had a share a tiny caravan (trailer home? I don't knowwhat you would call it there). It was a nightmare. He would keep comingto the point of hitting me and only just backing off in time. Well oneday he couldn't back off and he punched me. That was that! I hitchedthe 6 hour drive back to mums. At 11 years old.

Over the years I tried to find an easy level with dad, to patch thingsback up again. It all actually started going well, and he came up forregular visits. When I was 16/17, I had a regular boyfriend, we hadbeen going out for a couple of years. Dad got annoyed, jealous, I don'tknow. I was on the deck with my first rabbit and the cat batted at her,so I shooed the cat away. He then blew up at me, screaming about how Iwas a slut, a fat useless so-and-so, it wasn't his fault I would neveramount to anything. I was blown away, I cowered on the ground,terrified of the angry words and just wanting to curl up in a ball anddie. Mum came running out of the house waving her arms around andscreamed at him to leave. He did, and then didn't talk to us for years.

Now all of a sudden that I have my own place with my partner he is mybestest ever friend, and keeps coming up to stay, not bringing anymoney or asking if it was ok first. For the first time ever atChristmas I had to stand up to my big, scary, dad and told him toleave. I looked him right in the eye, I held my head up high.

This is _my_ house, _I _am the adult in charge now.

Anyway I don't know if this story will help you or not, I just wantedto share. I'm really happy now even when it seemed that I would get tothat happy stage.


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

I think we should lock all the men underground and use them solely for breeding stock.


----------



## mambo101 (Feb 27, 2007)

:shock:

All men?


----------



## NZminilops (Feb 27, 2007)

Not my man! He is awesome . But maybe becausehe's not a dad, lol (and never will be!). Dads can be the most amazingpeople, but sometimes I think some men were just not meant to have kids.


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

*Yar, all the sperm factories undergroundplease thank you. If you would be so kind as to form two lines andproceed towards the nearest dugout....do you have an exit buddy? 


mambo101 wrote: *


> :shock:
> 
> All men?


----------



## Snuggys Mom (Feb 27, 2007)

*mambo101 wrote: *


> :shock:
> 
> All men?


I think she meant non-bunny-hugging men, so you're in the clear, Mambo!


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

*Well, maybe we can find a job for him ont hesurface as like....a waste management engineer or an odd-jobs man. Canyou fix a sink?


Snuggys Mom wrote: *


> *mambo101 wrote: *
> 
> 
> > :shock:
> ...


----------



## AngelnSnuffy (Feb 27, 2007)

Hey Jesse,

I just wanted to chime in. First off, I'm very sorry you have to go through this. Seriously.

Something I thought of. Make sure your resume doesn't haveanymisspellings, just something for an employer not to callyou for. Have you tried calling some of the places that youapplied? You should. Just say who you are and thatyou're calling to check the status of yourapplication/resume. Ask if they're still hiring.Sometimes if you're perisitant, it pays off in the long run.I know people that have done this and got the job, weird, huh?

Also, how old are you? Are you 18 yet? Once youare, you can apply for government assistance and just see whathappens. Since you and Erron are not married, you should beable to get something once you move out, so that would help to pay foran apartment or bills. I understand that this is somethingthat won't happen right away, I just wanted to give you some ideas andsomething to look forward to, some hope. :hug:

I wish you luck with everything. You're a great person! :heartbeat:

Crystal


----------



## Starina (Feb 27, 2007)

I am sorry to hear about your troubles Jessie. Ididn't have a violent dad. I had a stepmom instead. She would destroyanything that mattered to me or my sister, hell even her own son. Theonly person she didn't attack was my baby (half)brother, but at age 11,when he was only 2 months old, I started taking care of him constantly.She was horrible to me and my sister, she would not onlybeatus, but use fear and intimidation to terroize us. I cantotally relate to how you feel when your dad talks about chopping upyour bunnies. I don't know about yoursituation, it isdifferent from mine. I can tell you that after a pretty bad beatingwhen I was 15, 3 days before my 16th birthday, I went and lived at thecoventent house... I don't think that is an option for you. Afterstaying there a month they made me go back home with her, since I hadnot reported any abuse. I vowed, that if she hit me again, I wouldfight back. She was so scared that I had told them about the abuse,that she never hit me again. I was kicked out by my dad 3 months laterand after living on the street for 5 months, I moved in with my mom wholived 2000 miles away. I have not seen or talked to my father since,almost 10 years now. I guess my stepmom cheated on my dad, left him andgot remarried. My sister came to visit my mom soon after I was sentthere, and I talked to her about our abuse. She came to a criticalrealization and moved in with my mom too. She hasn't really spoken tomy dad either. I have nothing from when I was a kid, so I tend to saveEVERYTHING...

I didn't have anyone or anybunny holding me down, so I don't think thatmy situation can help you much. I just wanted you to know that Iunderstand the helplessness, heartache, and horror you feel. I will tryto think of something, it is hard since your family seems to "approve"of your fathers irrational, and and downright mean behavior.

:hug1

~Star~


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

*

I'm a great person!

Yeah, I dress nice when I turn in my applicatio nand resume, I callback, I call and call and call and go in store and ask. My persistanceso far hasn't paid off.



Snuffles wrote: *


> Hey Jesse,
> 
> I just wanted to chime in. First off, I'm very sorry you have to go through this. Seriously.
> 
> ...


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

Thank you for all your thoughts and shtuff.

I forgot to answer that I will be 20 this summer. 

There's a farm going up for sale real cheap out by my cousin, its forrent now, and may go up for rent with option to buy. That would be tooperfect. It has 10 acres and a barn. I can keep my horses and bunniesand doggy is free to poo where he pleases.

REally the situation is awful. I hate him so much. He'll be home inlike 10 minutes and I plan on hiding the rest of the day, as usual. Helikes to whip open my door like he owns the place. Sometimes when I'mgetting dressed I realize I forgot to lock my door...this could be bad.One time my dad DID fling open the door while I was changing and I DOVEJames Bond style behind my bed. He absolutely didn't care that ithappened, just yelled at me for having my door shut. Thats rudeand....creepy.


----------



## katt (Feb 27, 2007)

i wish i could offer advise, but i have a pair of those rare find parents that support everything i do.

but i can offer support in finding your way in life without your parents.

i can talk on the mental disorder and tell you that it is okay to getfusterated with it. i have a social anxiety disorder that for manyyears caused me depression and at times even thoughts of suicide. ithink the important thing to do is to find someone to talk to, someonethat you have no inhabitions about what you say (complete strangersworked well for me). it sounds silly, but there are many hotlines thatyou can call and just talk to someone. support groups that you canattend. talk to someone at a local church, talk to you dr., find anonline forum,heck. . .email me. . .just talk to someone. . .

if you can't do that, then create a second email address, and wheneverit all feels like to much, that you just can't hold it all togetheranymore, type an email, write it all down, get it all out. purge yoursystem. and send it to the second email. the important thing is thatwhen you allow all that sadness, fustration, anger, ect to build up, itbrings a depressed person down further. this is normally when peopleattempt suicide or think about it, when it looks like there is no wayout.

if you are bi-polar, or think you are talk to your dr. about medicationand therapy options. it isn't something that isn't going to go away,and there are tons of new medical options for people suffering frommanic depression.

i hope that you can find a place.

i hope that you feel better


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

*Thanks for the advice...though... will your perants adopt me? And take me to NDS in MI this year? 

I have tried hotlines. One woman I was talkign to like...shrugged meoff and ''let me go''. It was like she'd had enough of me andkept...dismissing me. ''Ok hun well I hope you feel better, have a goodnight..." wtf kind of hotline is that?

I did see a doctor about my bipolarness for like 2 years. I was onlarge of amounts of lots of different meds. I just got headaches andnothing accomplished and I had to get bloodwork done every few weeksand one time they made me collect pee for 24 hours. That was weird. 

No need for a second email address... I have RO And Livejournal.

I just remembered this picture I had....




katt wrote: *


> i wish i could offer advise,but i have a pair of those rare find parents that support everything ido.
> 
> but i can offer support in finding your way in life without your parents.
> 
> ...


----------



## katt (Feb 27, 2007)

i am not sure how my parents would feel aboutgetting another child and another set of rabbits (or in your case, manyrabbits) just when they are moving me out!!!

is it possible you were overmedicated? that is what is sound to me. tomuch meds is just as bad as not enough when it comes to most mentaldisorders. i know someone that is severly depressed and she didn'tattemp suicide untill she was getting nearly 2 times the amount of heranti-depressant then what she needed (stupid dr. . .)

i am sorry that your experiance with a hotline was terribly, that isthat last thing that someone needs when called one, is to be completelybrushed off. . .

i suggest hopeline.

http://www.hopeline.com/

many people think that hotlines are stupid, but they really aren't,many do help people constantly and they offer great advice and anoutsiders point of view.

you are lucky to have RO(just like everyone else that is an RO memberis lucky). . .everyone here seems to care about the worldunconditionally. . .and that seems to be a rare find in today's world.. .


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Feb 27, 2007)

*YAR!
I'm not much for talking on the phone. I hate it ever since my ex mademe talk to him on the phone all day every day. day and fricking night,I just can't stand being on the phone iwth anyone for more than aminute.

They started me on low dose of meds, and gradually increased it... so I don't think I was over medicated.

RO is the shizzle. 

I usualyl go on Buddypic and find morons to talk to, not so much aboutmy problems, but just being able to have an intelligent conversationwith somebody is a welcomed distraction. Though BP boasts an uncannyamount of idiots. Its often comical. 



katt wrote: *


> i am not sure how my parentswould feel about getting another child and another set of rabbits (orin your case, many rabbits) just when they are moving me out!!!
> 
> is it possible you were overmedicated? that is what is sound to me. tomuch meds is just as bad as not enough when it comes to most mentaldisorders. i know someone that is severly depressed and she didn'tattemp suicide untill she was getting nearly 2 times the amount of heranti-depressant then what she needed (stupid dr. . .)
> 
> ...


----------



## maherwoman (Feb 27, 2007)

Hey you...

I wanted to start off by saying that I'm so sorry I haven't been in AIMas much lately as usual...for some reason it's never just there when Icome to the computer in the morning, like it was when I left it for thenight. Haven't figured out what's what with that quite yet.

Anyway, I'm here, I'm signed on, and I'm more than willing totalk...and know VERY PERFECTLY where you're coming from. Mymother was exactly the same way, and I wound up very mentally ill whileliving with her and for quite a while after leaving her house...until Irealized here and now that my environment was actually safe.When you've been in one that you cannot relax in, for as long as youhave (and I did) things will start to go wrong mentally. Iknow where you're at. I was tested out in being on Zoloft fora year...and felt like a complete zombie and HATED IT. 

Bottom line: I know all too well where you're at...and I'm here foryou. I'll check with my hubby to see if he's been closingAim, or if it's been closing on it's own, or what...and we'll handle itso that it's on all the time. Feel free to drop me a line, ok?

In reading the things your dad's said to you...it's haunting...they'rethe same things my mother's said and done to me. I know howit is to feel stuck...and I can help ya out...just let me know, ok?

And, believe me, no thinking of you as a child, or anything like thathere...I know EXACTLY where you're at...and understandcompletely. (Though I don't think Pam meant what she saidquite that way, I can understand how you interpreted it as such.)

So...write me, ok? Don't let yourself fall off the deep enduntil you've talked to me, ok? You're a very dear friend tome...and it really kills me to hear someone going through the samethings I did...let me help, ok?

Love ya, Girl...

RosieButt*


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 6, 2007)

ARGH. Its not much better here. 
The other day woke up to an entire family of people flippingout. So I layed in bed and cried. I cannot STAND any kind of yellingwhatsoever. My family does nothing but yell and scream all the frickigntime. If mum needs somebody, she'll scream for them. And what reallysucks....is most of the time i' mstanding right next to her....and i'llbe inthe middle of a conversation with her and she'll just stop toscream ''HANNAH!!! COME GTE YOUR THINGY OFF THE FLOOR!" Like she wasnever even listening. Its like, double rude, bonus points for yellingin my ear. +50XP, my mother has just leveled to an L3 Banshee. You nowhave the ability to rupture ear drums and send your eldest daughter toher room for 3 days to recooperate. Roll two D6 to see if youcan convince her you won't do it again.

And my sister just randomly screams when she gets angry. If she can'tget something into place on her Bratz car, if the dog walks off withher sock, if he oatmeal isn't to her liking, put on your headphones andblast the silence and you just MIGHT be spared some emotional tormentfor hte next half hour. Don't even thin kabout asking her to stop. Theparentals will jsut get angry if you're ''not nice'' to her. 

I think this is one of those things that happened all the time when youwere litte and you associated it with negativity, and then it stayswith you whenever you're older.

I was watching show once, and this chick was a diver, and they werelooking for a body at night...all the divers had green glow sticks.When she was underwater and broke her stick, she panicked and flippedout and had to be rescued. 
She later spoke to her mum about her panic attack, and her motherfrowned and told her when she was just a little girl...her father orstepfther got angry with her and threw her in the jacuzzi (which wasgreen), and closed the lid and turn the bubbles on and she nearlydrowned. The light(green from reflecting) and the bubbles and beingunderwater and the panic she felt long ago all came flooding back. 

Its like that. I go into absolute fits of panic and anxiety. I try tojust go to sleep because if I try to endure it I'll throw up from beingso worked up. I feel so incredibly scared and panicked....rabbit in awolf's den. And this happens daily.

I'm so unbelieveably stressed out all the time and it definitelyshowing. MY skin is falling off in big flakes, I look like I haveeczema. And when I brush my hair...there's always a big pile of hair atmy feet that's fallen outw ithin a few stroked. And after each brushingI have to clean my hairbrush. 

It stresses out Erron too, While he's sitting at his computer Iseriously pick grey hairs of of him. There's a LOT ofthem too. I coudlmake a nice little lock of them and you'd swear I was dating an oldman. They're perfectly silver, from root to tip. 

My friend has a parrot she adopted from some lady. The parrot is sweetas can be, it lays on its back and cuddles. But if you wear glasses,forget it. She'll bite and scratch and become a demon. In her formerhome....the male in the family had glasses and was mean to her. Evenafter all these years, she still hasn't forgotten.
And even after all these years, neither have I. It doesn't even have to be my family. I cannot stand anyone yelling. 

''Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned''.

And i'm desperately trying to move out and get everything in order butI have to drag Erron through everything. If I don't bother him about ithe won't do anything. I'm about to throw in the towel and tell him ifhe really wants to marry me he can plan the whole darn wedding to makeup for being a turd last year. 


$^%$&amp;*&amp;$&amp;%[email protected]^%@^&amp;^%@*
Here are a bunch of frustration symbols.


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 6, 2007)

I also would like to add that my dad is keepinghis outside dog in our basement right now. She's like 15 years old andin the ''not doing good stage''. Can't walk straight or at all, laysdown all day. That sort of thing. So he bruoght her inside and layeddown a bunch of blankets for her. 

Well she's an outside dog...she's old...and therefore she smells ratherawful. And to top it off, she's not house trained and can't move aroundtoo much....so she pees on her blanket and lays in it and poops allover the floor down there.


But I'm not allowed to keep my rabbits int he house because theystink...even though I clean teh cage regularly. And when I told him howsick they were and how rare they are, I get cursed and ''F this'' and''F that'' and ''I don't effing care''. 

Hypocritical? You think? 

I woudl say either the dog goes back outside or my rabbits should beallowed to come in. But I can't kick Scruffy out because I'm notsoulless. 


Dear Dad

I Hate you

Love,
-Jesse


----------



## Bassetluv (Mar 6, 2007)

(((Jesse)))

Afraid I don't have much in the way of suggestions for you, other thanyou _need to get out of there now_. But then, you already knowthis. Such negative environments are so caustic to one's well-being,and when you can't change the situation, it will eventually take anincredible toll. 

I must say that my family life was greatly disfunctional when I wasgrowing up. From the time I was little - actually I can't even rememberwhen it began - I went through both sexual and verbal abuse from mydad. He also verbally abused one of my brothers, and to this day Istill see the damage in him that it did. My dad wasn't one to yell andscream, but we kids sure were...we fought like mad dogs at times....alla result of the disfunctional environment. When my mother died I was 10years old, and went through an additional pain of losing her, ofblaming her for 'abandoning' me, of believing that she loved my sisterbut didn't love me, and of thinking that I was to blame for all ofit...for the abuse as well as my mother's death. I suffered for manyyears after that, carried around an awful lot of self-hatred, and woundup in a marriage that was doomed to fail.

But one thing I wanted to share was my feelings toward my dad. I hatedhim so deeply for so many years, I could have cared less whether helived or died. I blamed him for scarring me and for all of the pain andsuffering. Yet what I didn't realize until many years later was thatthe blame and anger and hatred I felt toward him because of his actionswere only serving one purpose...they were destroying _me_. So Ibegan to face my feelings and all of the inner demons that went alongwith them, and wound up finally being able to forgive him fully. Andthe day I was able to do that, I was also finally able to forgivemyself. On the surface I'd always known I wasn't to blame, but deepwithin me the blame and anger had turned toward myself. As humans we'regreat at self-deprecation, especially when the initial cause of the badenvironment or situations is a parent.

I just wanted to tell you this as a friend, because I'd hate to see youwind up carrying around enormous anger and pain for years to come.Right now I can guess that you're hurting a lot, and while you arestill in the situation it's going to be very hard to not feel thoseemotions. You need to get out of there, and then once you have, allowyour anger to come out...through a psychologist, a church, a goodfriend who will listen...any way that will let you express it. And thenyou will be ready for the healing process...of letting go of the painand of forgiving, at least as much as you can. The way I decided toforgive my dad was to see him as he really was...he was a little boy inan adult's body, reliving all of the experiences he'd gone through as achild. And the abuse, in all its forms, had nothing to do withme..._just as your dad's abuse has nothing to do with you_. It'sabout whatever pain he is carrying around inside, and he doesn't knowhow to relieve it, so he lashes out. 

Enormous(((HUGS))) to you Jesse...and I'm praying that youcan get out of there as soon as humanly possible. You're an incrediblystrong person, and a very special one.
:hug1


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 6, 2007)

Thanks for the hugs.
I was surprised to see how many people had goen through such abuse onthe forum. It makes me think where the fudge are the laws and people toprotect people and children from this? Laws are meant ot be broken Iguess... and that being said, the laws of man are pointless. I thinkall the bad people should haveto wear shock collars. But men have towear them on their googoo.

I don't know if simply moving out and talkign to people is going to domuch good. Scars don't heal. You just try to forget about them after awhile or smear some makeup on. 

I was in a very abusive relationship with a boy for a year and a halfbefore Erron. He would mock me, yell at me, call me names, punch me,and carve words into my arm with knives. Everything I did was wrong.And whatever he wanted from me he got. I was beaten down and madeworthless. I wasn't allowed to talk to my friends or see my horse or doanything. It was Erron that helped me to leave him. Even though I wasbanned from speaking to Erron. 

After we broke up, the emotional toll it had on me was stillsignificant. I still felt like poop all the time. Lower than poop.Things that feed on poop. 

Its been over 3 years since then, and It still keeps me awake at night.And it still bothers me no matter how many times I've talked about it.I still cry when things happen...wondering if maybe he was right and Ireally am awful. He called me last month and cried hismelf, and said hewas so so sorry for everything he had ever doen to me and it was wrongand he hates himself for it and if I never forgive him he'd understandand if he could ever make it up to me, he'd do anything. IT was nice toget a sincere appology, it provided a lot of closure for me. But thehurt and the actual happenings will never go away.

Thats why I think this issue with my dad will bethe same way. nd evenif I forgive him, i'm still going to suffer for it for the rest of mylife. 

You know how the sea wears caves and stuff in the side of cliffs? Howthose cliffs are made out of fricking rock, its very tough and strong.But little by little, the waves crash into it over the years, andeventually that massive pile of rock is full of holes, that can neverbe filled up.


----------



## AngelnSnuffy (Mar 7, 2007)

*JAK Rabbitry wrote:*


> I think all the bad people should haveto wearshock collars. But men have to wear them on their googoo.


:laugh::bunnydance:


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 7, 2007)

*What? You think it wouldn't work? I don't have a googoo but lemme tell yeh somethin'.... I wouldn't dare. 




AngelnSnuffy wrote: *


> *JAKRabbitry wrote: *
> 
> 
> > I think all the bad peopleshould haveto wear shock collars. But men have to wear them on theirgoogoo.
> ...


----------



## AngelnSnuffy (Mar 7, 2007)

*JAK Rabbitry wrote:*


> *What? You think it wouldn't work? I don't have a googoobut lemme tell yeh somethin'.... I wouldn't dare.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





> No, it WOULD work, that's the PROBLEM. :zoro


----------



## Bassetluv (Mar 7, 2007)

> Thats why I think this issue with my dadwill bethe same way. nd even if I forgive him, i'm still going tosuffer for it for the rest of my life.


Wish I had more time to write all that I want to say, Jesse, but am at work right now. So I'll condense...

It's your choice whether you wish to suffer with this for the rest ofyour life. In saying that 'even if I forgive him, I'm going to sufferfor it for the rest of my life'...YOU are the one condemning yourselfto that fate. There is always a choice, in any situation, and since youare the one in control of your life, only you can be the one to chooseto recover from the pain and anger. Jesse, there are ways to overcomeany bad life experience...it just takes a lot of work, determinationand the knowledge that it can be done. Not saying it's easy, but itdefinitely can be done.

Your dad and your ex-boyfriend presented you with some extremelychallenging experiences...but they don't control how you choose toreact. No one can control another's emotions, unless that personchooses to allow it. And you have been gifted with an extremelybrilliant sense of humor, along with great intelligence - it's not hardto see that from your posts - so you have also been given the abilityand strength to sort through the negativity and turn it all around. Itis possible...if anything, I'm living proof. 

Oh, and as to seeing a lot of people in the forum who have undergoneabuse in their lives...I have two explanations for that (at least, whatI believe): First, I've found that a great many people who hadundergone tough childhoods turned to animals for companionship, as theyfelt failed by other humans...thus many will be drawn to animal-basedforums; and second, I was amazed when I began sharing with othersonline about my background, just how many people had suffered throughsimilar experiences, or harsher ones, either as children or adults.Abuse in any formis that 'dirty little secret' no one wantsto talk about...but once one person opens up, it gives others theopportunity/strength to say something, oftentimes sharing wounds theyhad never spoken about to anyone previously. Abuse is much more commonthan I was ever led to believe...


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 7, 2007)

Hmm. I don't have quite the same beliefs as you.Yeah some people can get over it but it will always be with me and Ican never think positively of it. 

Maybe one day i'll become a stand up comic and use my father as thepopular topic of my comedy. Sweet revenge while makingmillions at the same time. I hate to say i'm a vengeful person. Thewhole ''don't get mad, get even'' sort of thing. Come to think ofit....if I get get my dad back somehow without killing hime ordestroying his life completely....I'd feel better.


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 7, 2007)

Which brings up another point I thought of.... And I'd like everyone's opinion....

I'm getting married this summer. I know the daddy usually walksthebride down the aisle and gives her away...but I kinda feel uncomfortblewith that, for obvious reasons. Also If you knew how my dad was, Ithink he'd be kind of a dork in that situation. I've been engaged sinceaugust and he hasn't said one word to me about it. It would just beakward. But how can I tell him I don't want him to walk me down theaisle. As much as I hate him I don't want to hurt him....that wouldhurt me too trying to walk down the aisle like princess and stillsmile. 

Can anyone perhaps think of some kind of compromise? OR something I cantell him? Oh I dunno .frickign weddings. I want ot live in a hut in therain forest and shoot monkeys.


----------



## JadeIcing (Mar 7, 2007)

I did not let my dad walk me down the aisle. Hewasn't a father so why should he. My step-dad walked me part way andthan my grandma. I didn't want anyone giving me away but people werebeing stupid.

They don't own me to give me away.


----------



## Krissa (Mar 7, 2007)

I recommend what I wished I did - elope.

No I don't mean to Vegas or anything like that. Just plan a quietwedding at a place you love. Make it special. Tell everyone you'regetting married, just don't mention a date. Anyway, invite one goodfriend as a witness - or grab someone off the street if your friendscan't keep a secret. Have a romantic dinner afterwards, take somepictures, dress up, get flowers. Just leave all the drama behind.

Remember your wedding is YOUR day. If your family is going to causestress and mess it up, don't invite them. I know it sounds harsh, butthe marriage is really about you and Erron, inviting 500000 people toeat food and spend your money will not make the marriage work anybetter than eloping.

My wedding was stressful because of my mother-in-law trying to controlit, I wanted small, she wanted big. And she wasn't even paying! Lookingback I wish I would have eloped - it would have been more special andthere would not be the scars in my relationship with my mother-in-law.

A nice calm wedding - doesn't that sound good after all the drama in your life?


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 7, 2007)

Naw, I don't want a ginormous wedding but I amcloe to my family and friends and I would like to see them present.I've alreayd honored my best friends with the positions of bridesmaidsand they're all excited and I have some special stuff planned to makemy wedding really unique! You just wait. 

I don't really have problems with my family, just my dad really. We shall see.


----------



## Bassetluv (Mar 7, 2007)

*JAK Rabbitry wrote:*


> Hmm. I don't have quite the same beliefs as you. Yeah somepeople can get over it but it will always be with me and I can neverthink positively of it.


(Trying this again...I hope I don't wind up posting twice...lol)

That's okay Jesse...everyone has their own beliefs. I only wanted totell you what I went through in case you were struggling with wantingto let go. You might change them as you get older, or you mightnot...but either way, your beliefs are what's right for you. I stillwant to send ya cyber-hugs though....:hug2:

(I'd send Raph down there for you to hug, but forced hugs with himwould induce unstoppable bunny balls...he's a poop factory, that boy)


----------



## Krissa (Mar 7, 2007)

*JAK Rabbitry wrote:*


> I have some special stuff planned to make my wedding reallyunique! You just wait.


:colors:I demand pictures then!!!!!!


----------



## Bassetluv (Mar 7, 2007)

About your wedding...do you have someone else inmind to walk you down the aisle? Or have you considered walking alone?Some brides do that. 

Not knowing your dad, it's hard to tell how he'll react, but I agreethat it's your and Erron's wedding, and you two get to make the finaldecisions on everything. 

In looking back, I certainly wish I had eloped. My family didn't reallyinterfere (there was sort of a lack of interest on their part) but myfiancés family - mainly his mom and foster sister - more or less ranthe show. The day itself turned out okay, but the planning...forget it.And I think the most disappointing moment came when my fiancé's fosterbrother announced that his present to us would be to pay for the hallwhere our reception was to be. We'd actually met in the old receptionhall in that community, but a new one had just been built down theroad. Guess which one Cyril insisted on paying for, despite the factthat we both told him we wanted the old one, as that was where we meteach other? :?

What day are you getting married? And are you going to have critters in attendance?


----------



## Starina (Mar 7, 2007)

Jesse, my dad and I haven't talked in almost 10years. He writes me letters, and I don't answer them. My sister has amuch harder time with him, she gets upset when he writes to her. THisXmas, he wrote both of us, using the EXACT same letter in fact, andtold us that he had gotten married. I could have cared less, but mysister calls me in tears, so upset by his letter. 

I mention this because if you cut your dad out of your life, it may beperfectly fine, like it is with me, or you may be heartbroken, like mysister. You need to do what feels best for you, and if you want nothingto do with your dad, then get the hell out of there. If your mom andfamily are going to side with him, then maybe they are part of theproblem. When you cut out cancer, you cut out some of the surroundingtissue too. Maybe part of the cost of being "free and clear" of yourdad is losing the relationship with your mom. Maybe you cutting offcontact with them all will open her eyes and make her see that thereason you are not around is because of her husband.

I can't tell you what to do with your life, but the road ahead, no matter what you choose, isn't easy. 

Oh, and no one has to walk you down the aisle. You can walk yourself, it is YOUR wedding after all.

Best of luck to you, :hug2:

~Star~


----------



## AngelnSnuffy (Mar 7, 2007)

I haven't talked to my dad in let's see, about 9years. My stepmom and I had what I wouldn't even call adisagreement and my dad just never spoke to me again.Whatever, I guess he wants to take it to his grave. Itdoesn't bother me too much most of the time, but if he was abusive likeyours, I definitely wouldn't let it bother me. You'll get onand you'll be happy in your new life with Erron and your bunnies!


----------



## maherwoman (Mar 7, 2007)

I think you should just let everybody know thatyou don't want to be walked down the aisle. Like JadeIcingsaid, you're not someone else's property to give away...and tell themthat. That should handle it, I think. That way,there aren't hurt feelings...and from what I've learned about you inour talking and goofing around online, it goes right in line with whatyou feel, anyway, so it sounds just right.

 Yer awesome...


----------



## undergunfire (Mar 7, 2007)

I have been debating weither or not to write inthis topic because it is bringing back my whole past, which isextremely hard for me to deal with. I will, but I will make itsimple...sorta.
*
*** Don't read it if you don't think you can handle it. Some parts might be a little too violent.***


I was born, had a real family until I was about 5, brother was born,brother was 1 years old when my dad cheated on my mom with my nowstep-mom, mom and dad got a divorce....my life started as a hell when Iwas 5, my poor little brother was only a tiny baby....



After my parents divorced, the house sold, I moved to an apartment withmom and my brother, then we moved to a house that my mom bought. Iremember going to court all the time, them fighting, mom brain washingme saying stuff like "Your dad is a horrible person. He is selfish. Hedoens't care about you. Look what he did to us". She said much worse asI grew older.

Mom had a great job as a secretary for the city. She made quite a bitof money, and could have up until retirement. That's when mom metDavid, a logger in the town of Edinburg, NY. What a lovely town, if youliked to abuse people and animals.

Soon after meeting the amazing David The Logger, we moved to hisnot-so-lovely trailer in the middle of the woods. Everything was finefor a few months, then David started maxing out mom's credit cards,stealing her money, totaled her car, beating her, beating our animals,and verbally abusing me. He tought my now 3 or 4 year old brother howto say VERY nasty words...which my brother then used towards my father.

More brain washing, more abuse, more family court.

Mom wanted an end. We moved to our house that she had bought. Only bythen the house was a dump from the former renters. Mom had no moneybecause David maxed out her credit cards. She was in debt. We lived inthat house for about a month with NO water, no electricity, barely anyfood.

By moving back to our house I thought that everything was going to benormal again. It wasn't. The Gushers and juice boxes went away, thegood clothes went away, the toys went away. We had nothing.

_Forward to a few months later..._

We moved into an apartment in the "ghetto" of my town. Mom still hadbarely any money. What money she did have, she spent it on 30-packs ofcheap beer. Mom got drunk everyday, all day. Wake up at5:30a.m....drink till noon...pass out...drink more...pass out. Howabout being 9 years old and not knowing if your mother will wake up inthe morning?

Opps....mom peed herself because she was too drunk to notice. Who wasthere to clean it up? Me. Oh, little Jimmy wants dinner. Who was thereto make him dinner becaue his mother was past out drunk in a chair andcouldn't even talk, yet alone cook dinner for her children. Me.

My friends turned to none. The ones that I did have used me as a placeto come over and hang out because my mom was "cool". Going to schoolwas hell. I wasn't good enough because I didn't wear Adidas,Abercrombie, Holister, ect. My clothes came from Walmart.

I had so much pain. I started eating anything I could. I grew from asize 7 pants to a size 15 pants in no time. Now I was "fat", but Ididn't really realize it. I wanted my belly button peirced becauseeveryone else was doing it, asked mom and she says "We better find itfirst". That's when the verbal abuse started.

Mom's drinking more. She goes through 30-packs like nothing. We alwayswent to the store to cash in the beer cars so she could buy herselfanother 30-pack. Everything always smell of beer and cigarettes. Myasthma didn't like that.

I'm about 11 years old now and have raised my brother from the time hewas 3 or 4. If I didn't raise him, who would? Jimmy then started tohave many anger issues. He would lash out and crave for attention.That's when my drunk of a mother would say, "Amy, deal with youbrother. I can't handle him".

_Jump ahead two years..._

I was 13, and my mom finally kicked me out of the house because Ididn't want to go to the lake for the day with her and Jimmy. Why? So Icould watch her drink and drive home drunk with her? She beat me, Ifought back.

I called my dad and told him to come and pick me up. While I waited forhim and packed my bags, mom just grew more angry because I was going togo stay with the man the "ruined her life". She told me I could takeanything with me but the clothes on my back, because everything in myroom was HERS, since she bought it.

Dad got there, I ran as fast as I coud out of that house. Mom was angryas hell and started throwing "her" belongings off the balcony down ontothe ground. We drove away, leaving my litte brother because he was tooscared to leave mom because he thought she would do something bad tohim if she left.

A month later I went to my mom's house for the weekend to visit. Badidea. She got drunk and got angry. We got into an arguement, fistsflying, hair pulling, pause for mom to drink her beer, back at it. Bythis time, she was furious. She went into the kitchen and pulled outthe biggest butcher knife.

The chase was on. I was running for my life through that littleapartment. I was 13 and wasn't sure if I should just let it happen orkeep running. I ran and cried and screamed at this woman who turnedinto a monster. She was trying to kill me. She had every intention tokill me. What did I do to deserve death?

I ran for the bathroom and hooked the little lock latch. I wasn't sureif it would hold or if this would be my final moments. This drunk womanhad the strenght of a 300 pound man at the other side of the flimpydoor. She also had a knife in hand.

She stopped tugging at the door and threatened to kill herself rightthere, in the middle of the kitchen. I come out to see my mother will aknife to her neck, not knowing what comes next. All the while, mylittle brother is in the next room watching cartoons, probably unawareof what was going on.

I grabbed the phone, called my dad, then the police came. I got to gowith my dad, and mom got a talking to by the police. Was she chargedfor attempting to murder her only daughter? No, of course not...therewere no witnesses present. I guess the hysterical 13 year old girlwasn't a clue as to what went on a few moments ago.

More family court and I got to live with my dad. I got everything Iwanted. New clothes, good food, and a dad who finally got the chance toshow he cared. My only real friend was my bunny, Middy.

Two years went by. I hadn't talked to my mother. She would call, I wouldn't answer. I hated her with everything in me.

I read in the paper of an attempted murder at 2 Water Street, upstairsapartment. Wait a second....my mom lives there. I read on. She met aman on the internet, he came over, tied her up, raped her, broke hercollar bone, slit her throat, and left her to die.

I had a lot of emotions running through my body. I wasn't sure what tothink or do. I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell, I wanted to run, Iwanted to eat, I wanted to cut myself, I wanted to hurt everythingaround me. This was my time to let everything out that I had held infor so long. Middy (my bunny) was still there to listen to me, shereally helped me out. When I wanted to do everything negative, she toldme to do everything positive.
_
Flash forward to a year after my mom's attempted murder...._

My mom met a man named Tom. He sold his leather mill for millions ofdollars. Mom moves in with Tom. Now begins her healing process.

Tom knew of the attempted murder, caught on about her alcoholism,realized she needed her life to be put back together. One thing hedidn't realize is that she had kids. Once he found out he knew that sheneeded to reconnect with us and make things "better".

A few months later I arrived a HUGE gorgeous house. Mom looked okay. Istill hated her and wasn't sure why I was there and why she was the"maid" of a mansion. This man couldn't possibly love a woman like that.A woman who tried to kill her only daughten and stinks down beer likeit's the only thing keeping her living.

Weekend visits proved to be working. I noticed Tom really loved her andwanted to help her. I thought for sure she was using him as a way tohave money and a place to live.
_
Forward ahead to a few years later...._

Mom is healthy. Mom only gets to drink a couple of wine colors everysaturday when her and Tom lounge out by the pool. She is fine with it.She no longer breaths alcohol to stay alive.

_Onto the summer of 2005..._

Dad wants to move to Arizona. I had friends, had a life, and I wasfinally happy. It was move to Arizona or live with my mother. I didn'tfeel fine with living with her, and knew I never could again.

Yay, family court again. I chose to move to Arizona with dad and mystep-mom, while my brother chose to live with my mom. He has alwaysbeen a "momma's boy", for reasons I don't understand.

Mom wanted to talk to me in a room after the court was over. She huggedme, cried, said sorry for all the things she has done. She said sheloved me. WHAT?! She loves me. She still had the blank look on herface, no emotion. I dusted my shoulder off, packed up bags, saidgoodbye to Middy's grave (the best friend I ever had), and headed toArizona...a new chance at life!

_Ahead seven days...._

I'm in Arizona! It's crazy here. Everything is different compaired tomy little coloniel town back in New York. New school, new house, newpeople, new everything.

I have friends! I like them a lot. They had just moved here fromMassacheusettes. I felt more at home because I had "east coster's" myage with me!

_Move onto a month later...._

I met a guy named Ryan downtown. He was 10 months younger than me and Iwould NEVER date a guy that young, but I knew he was special. Lot's ofhanging out, lots of hard times, lots of good times.
_
Now, for today...._

I live with Ryan, his mom, our 3 kitties, two mice, and two (soon to bethree!) bunnies. We are engaged. He's my best friend. I have somefriends, not a whole lot. I love the friends that I have very dearly. Ihave my amazing bunnies, I have Middy here in spirit, I have a job, Ihave money to buy my own things and care for myself as well as myfurkids and my amazing fiance. I'm going to start classes at thecollege this summer, and go to a University in two years. I have a planfor my future. I can't say its that path that I am going to take, but Ilike to know I have something lying ahead of me for once in my life.

I had visited New York and stayed with mom, Tom, and my brother intheir mansion twice since I have lived in Arizona. Tom is just as greatas always. My brother is now a top student in his class at the middleschool, he enjoys sports, and is your average put-to-gether teenagekid, and I couldn't be more happy that he turned out just fine.

My mom, she is healthy! She has put on a great amount of weight. Shewill only "drink" when they go out to dinner once a week. She's alloweda glass or two of wine. I shouldn't say that she is "allowed", sheknows that's all she can handle. She makes the choice to only have twoglasses of wine. I wouldn't say she is perfect. She still blocks me outwhen I try to talk to her. I don't care. She is happy and has comfort,that's all that I can ask for.





So, after telling my whole life story...you are asking, what is thepoint? The point is...even though the memory is STILL there and veryclear to me, I have learned to live around it.

When I talk to my mom and look her in the eyes, I don't remember thepast. I look at her as of now. I see a woman who made wrong choices andit controlled her life. It wasn't her who tried to kill me and beatme....if was the alcohol. Yes, she did make the wrong choice to drinkit in the first place, but once she did, she wasn't herself anymore.

I could have easily never talked to my mom again. I am not sure why Ieven did, but I am glad that I did. What if she died and I never got toknow the real her again?

*Jesse...*Weither it's the anger or the alcohol, you have tounderstand that it is not them. It's something that changes them. Aftera while my mom really didn't have the choice to pick up the can or not,because it was what she was used to. After a while, your dad didn'thave the choice to use anger as a way to talk to people, it is what heis used to.

My mom didn't have to get help, but she did. You dad doesn't have toget help, but he can. It's all a matter of them making that decision.If they don't want to, then they don't want to. Only THEY can make thechoice. If you dad won't get help for his anger problems, then you needto do something like I did. I moved out, then I moved away. It's hard,it stinks, it takes time, but it's a relief.


_
- Amy:brownbunny



_*EDIT TO ADD:* I included a picture of my lovely Middy. RIP &lt;3._
_


----------



## Michaela (Mar 7, 2007)

Amy, I'm not a crying kinda person, but yourpost made me cry. I can't believe your life was like that, kinda makesya appreciate things.

Thank God your life is good now, you deserve it sooo much, you must bea really strong person to come through all of that so well.

:hug1

BTW, Middy was a beautiful girl,:rainbow:


----------



## undergunfire (Mar 7, 2007)

Thank you Michaela:hug2:.

It was a hard post to write, but I will do anything to try to help someone out.

I too, am shocked that I came out to be the way that I am. I am socaring towards animals, less towards people, but I still care.

I grew from my past and learned that sometimes it's just not the personthat is doing the wrong, something is making them do thewrong....whether they were raised that way or it's an addiction. Thatis why when I meet people and they are a certain way that I don'treally like...I remember that there is something there that is makingthem like that.


^ Confused myself!


Anyway, sometimes Ryan and I will get into arguements because "I needto try to make friends" "I am close-minded", ect. I would say that I dohave some problems and I can be close-minded, but it's not me....it'show I was raised and what happened to me through all those years.Knowing what I went through, how could you expect someone to be so opento everything? The only reason why he is is because of the wonderfulfamily that he grew up with.



_- Amy:brownbunny




p.s...Middy really was a special lady :bunny5.
_


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 7, 2007)

The world is so sad.

I don't think my dad is ever really going to shape up like your mumdid, He thinks he''s never wrong...no matter how crazy her gets, nomatter what anyone tells him. But what really does not help is hissister and his mother making up excuses for him all the time. I wentoff on thatin my online journal once. I know my aunt reads it.Hopefully one down.

ARgh wedding planning is a B****. But In a way I enjoy personalizing stuff like this.


and I got a haircut today so I kind of feel like a new me. I've neverhad a haircut before in my whole life! I've been cutting my own hairfor years. So I kind of feel like I have a fresh start. My dad didn'tnotice. I held up the pieces...now half their usual length (and c'monwhen your hair is down to your arse like mine....thats a noticeabledifference, dude). He was like '' I don't see what's different...ohthat part is shorter? Oh ok."

What I say - Thanks dad I thought it looked nice too. 
What I mean - Silly old man you don't have any hair and to me, that's funny.


----------



## undergunfire (Mar 7, 2007)

He may never shape up, but it won't get betteruntil you get out of there. I always wondered how I would have been ifI had stayed in that situation. I probably "wouldn't have been".

You may hate him and can't understand him now, but it's because you arestill living with him. Once you move out and cut all contacts with himand everyone supporting him for a few months, even a few years, youwill be able to understand. I never thought I would forgive my mom orunderstand her....years later, I do. I don't think about her or my pasteveryday because I know what I have now is all that matters. I havelearned to live around it, not hide it or throw it away....because itwill never leave.


_- Amy:brownbunny_


----------



## polly (Mar 7, 2007)

Hey Jesse, one of the best weddings I heardabout was a couple who got their own house and invited everyone to ahouse warming barbecue then when everyone turned up they said oh by theway we are getting married tonite!! so ther was no formality and nofuss and it was a great party so i heard i get lots of stories likethat at work another was a girl who was bridesmaid for her sister whoswedding went totally out of control so her and her boy friend weregoing on holiday after the wedding and she sent her parents a postcardsaying went to majorca married a corker see you in a fortnight ithought that was pretty classic!!!

Keep your head up its not forever and you will get out survive and bestronger for it. Lets face it youv'e done pretty well so far. Myhusband was always told by his mum he was never good enough and openlysays her first grandchild is her best boy and bruce is a bad boy icould slap her for it but the way i see it is i married him not hisfamily we have had our house for 4 years and he will not have them upfor a meal, she gets totally jealous cause my parents have been uploads but its true what they say you always get your comeuppance if youare bad to people i've seen it happen. And she didn't expect him to geta girl like me who won't take any of her crap. the older i have got theworse my mouth gets and i'm always told i'm subtle as a brick. At leastyou always know where you stand i suppose!

Keep going your luck is bound to change.:clover:


----------



## Snuggys Mom (Mar 7, 2007)

I hope there is a special kind of hell for people who abuse kids.


----------



## Blyre (Mar 7, 2007)

*JAK Rabbitry wrote:*


> I think we should lock all the men underground and use themsolely for breeding stock.



Painting with a rather wide brush, aren't you? 

Wallace


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 8, 2007)

*What can I say? I'm an artist. 


Blyre wrote: *


> *JAKRabbitry wrote: *
> 
> 
> > I think we should lock all the menunderground and use them solely for breeding stock.
> ...


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 8, 2007)

*Thats cute. but heh no surprise weddings for me. This is somethin' special i'm planning out....

Aw you sent me a cloooooover.....



polly wrote: *


> Hey Jesse, one of the bestweddings I heard about was a couple who got their own house and invitedeveryone to a house warming barbecue then when everyone turned up theysaid oh by the way we are getting married tonite!! so ther was noformality and no fuss and it was a great party so i heard i get lots ofstories like that at work another was a girl who was bridesmaid for hersister whos wedding went totally out of control so her and her boyfriend were going on holiday after the wedding and she sent her parentsa postcard saying went to majorca married a corker see you in afortnight i thought that was pretty classic!!!
> 
> Keep your head up its not forever and you will get out survive and bestronger for it. Lets face it youv'e done pretty well so far. Myhusband was always told by his mum he was never good enough and openlysays her first grandchild is her best boy and bruce is a bad boy icould slap her for it but the way i see it is i married him not hisfamily we have had our house for 4 years and he will not have them upfor a meal, she gets totally jealous cause my parents have been uploads but its true what they say you always get your comeuppance if youare bad to people i've seen it happen. And she didn't expect him to geta girl like me who won't take any of her crap. the older i have got theworse my mouth gets and i'm always told i'm subtle as a brick. At leastyou always know where you stand i suppose!
> 
> Keep going your luck is bound to change.:clover:


----------



## Blyre (Mar 8, 2007)

*JAK Rabbitry wrote: *


> *What can I say? I'm an artist.
> 
> 
> Blyre wrote: *
> ...



I guess you couldn't be an artist if you weren't trying to be offensive, huh? I am so glad that I'm past that stage of life.

Wallace


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 9, 2007)

*Heh heh, don't worry....I'll have stocks for women too. I figure we're all doomed anyways. The End is near!

I'm not prejudiced against men, I just hate everybody! 

I think RO will be the world's new government. OMG can you imagine how many bunnies there will be? 

-JAK




Blyre wrote: *


> *JAK Rabbitry wrote: *
> 
> 
> > *What can I say? I'm an artist.
> ...


----------



## JadeIcing (Mar 9, 2007)

:shock:


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 9, 2007)

Don't be a-scared! 

My plan is to have bunny people rule the world. The ENd.


----------



## naturestee (Mar 9, 2007)

So the only wars will be about who is bunnynapping who?


----------



## maherwoman (Mar 9, 2007)

Oh no...does that mean that Jessebutt hates Rosiebutt, too? :grumpy
*
JAK Rabbitry wrote: *


> *Heh heh, don'tworry....I'll have stocks for women too. I figure we're all doomedanyways. The End is near!
> 
> I'm not prejudiced against men, I just hate everybody!
> 
> ...


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 9, 2007)

Aw no I don't hate you. 

I look so pretty today! And I'm booking you tonight! 

I'll let RO people stay above ground when I take over the world.


----------



## maherwoman (Mar 9, 2007)

YAY!! Jessebutt still wufs me!! 

Ok, cool beans...any kind of timeframe??

And yer too cool for letting us survive above-ground...yay! 
*
JAK Rabbitry wrote: *


> Aw no I don't hate you.
> 
> I look so pretty today! And I'm booking you tonight!
> 
> I'll let RO people stay above ground when I take over the world.


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 9, 2007)

ITs funny how I want to lock everybodyunderground but in all honesty, i'm one of those people that are mosthappiest in the dark in a nice small little area. I really wish I couldsleep through the winter. Imagine my ecstacy.


----------



## missyscove (Mar 9, 2007)

The funny thing is, I can often be heard saying, "Imagine how much more productive I could be if I didn't have to sleep."


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 9, 2007)

Exactly. I hate sleeping. But i'm always tired. I can sleep for 12 hours and feel like I haven't slept in days. 


My dad likes to wake me up early in the morning or right after i'vegone to bed to make me do stuff. Is that rude or what? Stuff that candefinitely wait until I wake up. ''Wake up, do the dishes''
''Jess, get up, clean out hte fridge"

wtf whyyy can this not wait until i'm resteeedddd?!?!


----------



## missyscove (Mar 10, 2007)

I will now go to sleep. I need to getup at 5:30 tomorrow, as usual, since I have to take the SAT at 8... whydo they give the SAT at 8 am? Don't they know teenagersaren't up till about 10.


----------



## undergunfire (Mar 10, 2007)

HAHA! I have to be to work at 9:00 a.m. WHO EATS SUBWAY AT 9:00 AM?!



Ohhhh lordyyyy.


_
- Amy:brownbunny_


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 10, 2007)

I know, they tell you to get a good night's restfor big tests and stuff like the SAT and then they go and make it at8AM. i'm sure all states would have an overall higher SAT score if theymade it later in the day. Dorkwads. 


-JAK

"JESSE! Wake up and take this 10 hour test about nothing!"


----------



## maherwoman (Mar 10, 2007)

I wuf the Jesse...how are ya doin?


----------



## pamnock (Mar 10, 2007)

*undergunfire wrote: *


> HAHA! I have to be to work at 9:00 a.m. WHO EATS SUBWAY AT 9:00 AM?!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




We eat at Subway 24/7 LOL 

(My daughter has worked at 4 Subways over the past couple years). 

Pam


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 10, 2007)

Erron and I love Sheetz. Its much better.


----------



## undergunfire (Mar 10, 2007)

I hate Subway. Subs take over my life. I work almost everyday, lol.

I really can't eat a Subway sub without getting sick, bleh.


_
- Amy:brownbunny_


----------



## Michaela (Mar 10, 2007)

I can't stand Subway. I have no idea why but Ican't even stand the smell of it. But my friends all love it so we goall the time:yuck

No offence Amy:angel:


----------



## JadeIcing (Mar 10, 2007)

I dont like it but my husband does.


----------



## missyscove (Mar 10, 2007)

I do like Subway, but Quiznos is better.


----------



## undergunfire (Mar 10, 2007)

You'll hate eating it even more if you work there.


_- Amy_


----------



## Matsuro (Mar 10, 2007)

Hey Jesse, do you have a wedding dress picked out already?


----------



## JAK Rabbitry (Mar 11, 2007)

* Its upstairs. I just bought shoes finally last week. I'm set. 



Matsuro wrote: *


> Hey Jesse, do you have a wedding dress picked out already?


----------

