# Honest advice needed. About to seriously hurt my mother in law.



## I_heart_Fraggles (Jun 3, 2011)

OK here is the thing. I love my mother in law. She is pretty much my "mom" as I don't have a relationship with my mother. My mom in law has been there for me since I was 16 years old. She is the most wonderful women and we are going to break her heart!

All my mom in law wants in the whole world is a grandchild. She is waiting for the day I call her with the "happy news". She wants to buy me a book on how to conceive a girl. She plans on being in the delivery room! She is already planned the lawn party she will have to show off her grand baby! 

Jason and have been together almost 13 years. He is 30 and I am 28. We are still VERY much in love and not much has changed since our teenage years. We go on a cruise every year. We go on vacations all the time (yes we take Fraggles) concerts,movies,shopping,dinners ect ect ect.
Over the last year we have seriously talked about a child. Jason says he will be naming a child "moth monster man" no he is not kidding. But in all seriousness, we have decided that a child is not something we have a huge desire for. It just does not fit into our lifestyle and Jason wants to schedule a vasectomy. But my poor wonderful mother in law who we love is going to be crushed! Her younger son also made the decision not to be a parent (he does not like kids). I feel so guilty, like we OWE her this. I feel like we are taking away "grandma" from the sweetest women in the world. I know its strange posting something so personal on a "bunny forum" but I have found that my "girl friends" think I am wrong! Also most of our friends think that a baby is the "next step" and it NEEDS to happen!


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## Must_Love_Pets (Jun 3, 2011)

I don't think you are wrong. I say you have every right to feel the way you do and if you were to have a child it would not be for you it would be for her and that is wrong. I feel the same way and I have already had 1 child when I was 21. I love my son sooo much but I will never have another becuase I just dont feel I have the time or patients for one. LOL. Sorry but I speak the truth. I enjoyed everything about raising my son but I really enjoy my grown up time that I have with my 16 year old son now. I know this is going to sadden your mother in law very much and it will crush you to tell her but you can't force something upon yourself that you do not want. Don't get me wrong, she will be upset with the fact that you do not want a child but she will not be upset with YOU or HIM. I am sorry you have to go through that sweetie. Just remember this too shall pass and what is meant to be is meant to be. 

ray:

:hugsquish::big kiss:


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## I_heart_Fraggles (Jun 3, 2011)

Thank you for that. Jason would make a wonderful father and I think I would do alright as a mom. But I don't feel very "mom" and Jason loves his beautiful home and his beautiful stuff! He also loves his beautiful sleep and our freedom. We are the kinda people who drop everything and take a random trip. We once drove cross country with no map or destination just cause we could. I just can't imagine telling her. How do you tell the perfect grandma that she is not going to be a grandma.


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## Must_Love_Pets (Jun 3, 2011)

I am sure the both of youwould make wonderful parents! As you already know these types of spur of the moment trip could still be done, but just with anadditional lil person. LOL. But if not having a child is not in your cards than it is not in your cards. How do you tell her? Hmm well you have her over for dinner a gently break it to her and let her know EXACTLY how you feel about raising a child. Unfortunatly there is no way to sugar coat it, you have to be very honest so she understands. A mother/mother in law who loves her daughter in law and son will understand and think of you and your feelings before a child that is not even born. It will certainly sadden her as it would most mothers that want to be grandmothers but you have to behonest no matter how much it hurts to let her know. The sooner the better or it will weigh you down. I feel you sweetie.


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## I_heart_Fraggles (Jun 3, 2011)

Well we can't tell her right now cause her favorite rooster was killed by a weasel yesterday! Jason wants to tell her AFTER he has the procedure that way she can't beg! OMG I am about to make a little old lady cry!


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## Korr_and_Sophie (Jun 3, 2011)

If you wait until Jason has the vasectomy, then you can tell her that there are fertility issues and you do not want to pursue treatments. This would be the truth (fertility issues), but you would have to be careful that she doesn't find out about the vasectomy. 

Do not feel pressured to have a baby just because your MIL wants a grandchild and other people your age are doing it. You should have a child because you want one and are ready for one. You do not owe her a grandchild and should not feel guilty about her not having one. Really, unless she is going to raise the child, your reproduction is none of her business. I know that can sound harsh, but you are not here to make babies so she can feel good. 

I sort of know how you feel about having kids. While I am only 22, I have no desire to have children. Even though I know my mom would like a grand child, that is not enough for me to have one as I do not want one and she will not be raising it. 

If your friends are being pushy, then you should find some like minded people to hang out with at least sometimes. Be honest with them and if they won't respect your choice, then they might not be really good friends to start with.


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## Must_Love_Pets (Jun 3, 2011)

I would certainly tell her as soon as she is done grieving over the rooster.


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## I_heart_Fraggles (Jun 3, 2011)

You make a lot of good points. Jason has mentioned maybe telling her we "can't" get pregnant. But we are from a small town and my MIL is the queen of the telephone. Although we no longer live there it would spread like wildfire that we "can't" get pregnant. Checkers at safeway would be giving us sympathy stares (we visit a lot). I really want to be honest with her that a baby does not fit into our world. The other issue is she loves us but does not approve of our life. We are successful but we are also tattooed/pierced "goth kids". Jason is a tattoo artist and that dis pleases his parents also even though he makes six figures. She WILL say we are not having a baby because we are not "grown up"


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## I_heart_Fraggles (Jun 3, 2011)

She is going to be grieving that rooster for awhile.


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## fuzz16 (Jun 4, 2011)

only you know what is right for you and your husband. 

although, i will say this. i was a single teen mom, i didnt plan for it. i loved my partying, and going to the lake, and working, and omg sleep...i miss it. i never thought id be able to accept it all and be a good mom like everyone expected. my daughter is 3 now, my life, my hapiness...my pain in the butt.  but its an amazing thing to be a parent, to know that someone looks up to you for guidance and love and is innocent of everything-even dumping out all the shampoo and filling the bottle with water -.- 

but its not for everyone...its a hard concept to think about giving up your life for a little person that poops and screams and squeels!!! but its not selfish for you to choose not to, and dont feel bad telling her the truth. my now MIL was there for me when my mom wasnt....and she was one of the the first person i told when i was pregnant. its nice knowing i will be giving her a second grandbaby and she is so excited, but i would not be ok if she tried to pressure us into this baby.


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## EileenH (Jun 4, 2011)

Only you and Jason know what is right for you. But think of it from the baby's perspective, and not your MIL, or your friends. (BTW, all of my friends who felt having babies was the next step are all divorced now...)

From the baby's point of view, it deserves to be in a family that really wanted it to be there. There are a lot of honest moms out there who admit that they had babies for reasons other than their wanting them, because people told them they would fall in love when they saw it, etc., their husband really wanted a child, etc,.and that didn't happen. They are living unhappily, trying to make something work that should have been natural.

Having a child is no one's business but you and Jason's. I would present it in a way of it being fair to the child; she is not going to understand sleep loss.
It is admirable of you to care so much about her feelings and you can let her know how hard this is to tell her because you know it is important to her, but you have to do the right thing for you, Jason and the effect it would have on the child.

As far as your friends, don't get caught up in _that._ Whose business is it of what your next step is?


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## TinysMom (Jun 4, 2011)

My kids are 26 now - neither are married and I've got to say that I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to have grandchildren.

But the fact of the matter is - that is a personal decision that my kids will have to make for themselves (with their spouse when the time comes). It isn't for me to decide.

A lot of women are denied the privilege of having grandchildren - by losing their children in an accident or something.

It isn't like once you have a child - you're guaranteed to have grandchildren.

Perhaps there are some kids nearby that she can be "like a grandma" to....my mom was like a 2nd grandma to lots of kids in her church because Art & I lived so far away. It brought her lots of joy - even if she wasn't their grandmother by birth.

You need to do what is right for you both.


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## EileenH (Jun 4, 2011)

I need to _seriously _correct myself here! 
When I said, "they are living unhappily, trying to make something work that should have been natural", I in no way meant that having children, or not having them is natural or unnatural. I chose not to have children and have gotten flak about it.
It was natural for me not to have them. 

I really worded that wrong (even I'm offended!) What I meant to say is that doing something that you really weren't 100% behind, in the hopes you'll change your mind.

I can't find it right now, but there was a forum I saw recently about postings from moms that regretted having children, right from when they got pregnant.

This is a thread that kind of touches on it:
http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art28643.asp

Anyway, I don't want to offend anyone - what is natural for you is natural for you, and should be respected by all.


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## I_heart_Fraggles (Jun 4, 2011)

Thank you everyone for all the support. We talked about it again last night and we are pretty firm. We have dozens of "honorary" nieces and nephews who we adore and who we can send home. Jason reminded me that all our friends mention being jealous of us when we are planning something fun for just the two of us. He also made the great point that in a few years we wanna move out of state. No we have not told her yet. But it would be ten times harder if we were really "taking her grandchild"


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## Elf Mommy (Jun 4, 2011)

As a mother and a lifetime educator, I genuinely respect couples who make a conscious decision not to have children. 

There are several couples I am friends with who made the same decision. They tend to have animals as their "kids" and not one of them has told me that they regretted their decision as they get older.


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## Wilowisp (Jun 6, 2011)

I am not quite at the point of having kids, but I am 19 and have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years now and we have come to the point of considering marriage.

I think kids are great, but I honestly don't plan on having any for a LONG time, if ever. I'm just not good with kids. My bf, on the other hand, loves kids and wants to be a father some day. Its hard to tell him that I don't want children...he would be an amazing father and I hate to deny him of that. But I don't think I could handle it.
From my perspective right now, my life is just starting... a lot of turmoil is going on and its tough to imagine supporting my partner and our pets let alone a little one. I understand when you say that a child does not fit your lifestyle.

Do what you think is best...I agree, have a child if you truly feel you two are ready for the it. She might be upset, but the choice is not hers to make.


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## jujub793 (Jun 6, 2011)

honestly i don't think she would be surprised if you told her. She knows your lifestyle and she may be disappointed but not surprised. you have to do what is right for you and your husband. life is full of disappointments but we all learn to deal with them.


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## MiniLopHop (Jun 6, 2011)

This is a topic that is close to my heart. I have been married for 12 years and we have not used birth control since we were married. My mom keeps pressuring me when we are going to have kids. The problem is that we can't, but I don't think that is any of her business. I have just told her that she will be the first one to know if it happens and that she needs to back off.

I have chronic health issues and I think this is my body's way of saying I'm not healthy enough to endure pregnancy. As I have gotten older (I'm 35) I have decided that children really are not for me. I cringe when I hear whining or crying. I need my sleep, I get tired. My husband teaches chess to children for a living so he's getting his "kid fix" between work and my niece and nephew. Yes he would be a great dad, but it's just not in the cards for us. We have four legged children instead.

One thing that made us feel better is that we can always adopt if we change our minds down the road. Even if the biological door closes you can always adopt, which is more in line with our values anyway.

Not everyone should have children even if they can. It's just impossible to send them back once they are there. 

Good luck telling your mother in law. She will probably be sad, but since she loves both of you I would hope she will understand. She can always do charity work with children if she has the need.


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## SOOOSKA (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey Katie,

I so agree with you. I never had kids by choice, maybe and that's a BIG maybe I wanted one for a very brief time in my early 20's but then I changed my mind very quickly.

I was married at an older age I certainly was not going to have kids then (thank god I didn't he screwed around with a "Friend"). Anyways he was Macedonian omg every time we were at a function I was asked my many old ladies when I was going to have a baby. NOT. Never really said why just kinda ignored the question.

I'm just wondering why you feel you need to tell your MIL. I would just say nothing, I realize how much you care for her and her for you but who's to say it will not affect your relationship with each other. Just my 2 cents:twocents.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

Susan

ps

I wish you lived closer I need and want another Tatoo.:biggrin:


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## funnybunnymummy (Jun 6, 2011)

I'd hold off on that vasectomy until after you're thirty. Dunno about others here, but around the time I turned thirty it was like a switch flipped inside me and all I could think about was havinga baby! Before that I was sure I was 100% done and would never want another kid. Of course, my hubby had already had a vasectomy and there wasn't much we could do about changing that. Vasectomiescan be reversed, but the operation isexpensive and not always effective.

Just something to think about.

Hope that helps!

Rue


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## MiniLopHop (Jun 6, 2011)

Susan, I have had strangers ask me about children as well. Why do they think it is their business? Why is it seen as such a strange choice NOT to have children? In this age of birth control people have choices, it's not like it was 100 years ago.


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## Deliciosa (Jun 6, 2011)

Nobody *needs* to have children, everybody is different and to be completely honest it is probably better for the world not to bring more kids into it.

Your mother in law sounds very old fashioned and it is likely she will be sad, but that's not your fault and you shouldn't feel guilty about it at all. It's not your responsibility to give her a grandchild, and if she really feels the need to be around a child she should take up babysitting!


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## Happi Bun (Jun 6, 2011)

My whole family has had to accept the fact that I will never have children of my own. I never even allowed it to be up for discussion. Why? Well to be honest severe mental illness runs wild in my family's genetics. I can not in good conscious have a child knowing that.

My mom is happy being grandma to the pets and I'm so thankful for it.


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## gmas rabbit (Jun 6, 2011)

I come from a family of six kids. 3 of us had children and 3 didn't. It was a decision that each of us made with our spouses. My mom and dad were fine with the decision, it was our choice. As my siblings have gotten older not one of them has regretted not having kids, their lifestyles just didn't fit in with being parents ( at least not full time ). As they have gotten older they have just adopted existing grandkids from the family and became serogate grandparents. My grandkids love their great aunties and uncles, they have so much more patience and time to spend with them. As for you mom-in-law she can find with very little trouble dozens of children that really NEED a grandma in their lives. My nickname in town with all of my grandchildrens friends is "G"-ma. I have eight grandkids of my own but dozens of extra ones. They all need attention and love ( rides, food, place to stay, shoulder to cry on, HUGS). Fraggle is a great grandbaby, my mom had dogs and cats that she called her grandkitty or granddoggy from my brothers and sisters that choice not to have children. My dad's ashes are in the family pet/dad cememtery on the property and we always call him the pet keeper. We should have listed mom's grandpets when she died along with her grandkids ( morbit do you think ) as she loved each and every one of them. Do what is right for your life, MIL will adjust.


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## gmas rabbit (Jun 6, 2011)

On another note. I have a morning glory and hummingbird tattoo on my lower leg in honour of my mom and dad ( both passed ) and my favourite - a beautiful tattoo of Nickolas our first french lop on my upper leg. I want another on my shoulder of Benjamin in recline.


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## GorbyJobRabbits (Jun 6, 2011)

It's not her life it's yours. The child would be your responsibility and not hers... so she will eventually get over it. It's not like you're 20 and still in a state of mind where choices are difficult.

Randy wanted to get his snip snipped too. Hasn't, and now that my mind has changed on children I hope he doesn't for a while. 


Children are such a hard choice!


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## Nancy McClelland (Jun 6, 2011)

We truly feel that the best course is to say nothing. Some things are best left unsaid. If your family was like ours, the best thing is to put about 800 miles distance between you and them. Of course my mother outlaw was born on October 31st and she more than lives up to it--Nancy can't stand her as she is just a selfish --ends in itch--shame on you, she's a real witch.


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## JadeIcing (Jun 6, 2011)

Do it for you guys not for anyone else.


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## GorbyJobRabbits (Jun 6, 2011)

*Nancy McClelland wrote: *


> We truly feel that the best course is to say nothing. Some things are best left unsaid. If your family was like ours, the best thing is to put about 800 miles distance between you and them. Of course my mother outlaw was born on October 31st and she more than lives up to it--Nancy can't stand her as she is just a selfish --ends in itch--shame on you, she's a real witch.



This reminds me of my boyfriends mother... in a way.


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## myheart (Jun 6, 2011)

*funnybunnymummy wrote: *


> I'd hold off on that vasectomy until after you're thirty. Dunno about others here, but around the time I turned thirty it was like a switch flipped inside me and all I could think about was havinga baby! Before that I was sure I was 100% done and would never want another kid. Of course, my hubby had already had a vasectomy and there wasn't much we could do about changing that. Vasectomiescan be reversed, but the operation isexpensive and not always effective.
> 
> Just something to think about.
> 
> ...


:yeahthat: Sorry, I have to side with what Rue said. I think I would wait to make such a major decision at least until age 30 has passed.


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## slavetoabunny (Jun 7, 2011)

I knew at a very young age that I never wanted children and I had my tubes tied when I was 26. I'm 52 know and have never regretted my decision. My siblings have 9 children between them, so my mom has plenty of grandchildren. She's even a great-grandma now.


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## Elf Mommy (Jun 7, 2011)

I agree about the after 30 thing, too.  I have 3 coworkers over 30 just embarking on trying to get pregnant.


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## SnowyShiloh (Jun 16, 2011)

I think it's great that you have come to that decision! (Note: this doesn't mean I hate kids, I love kids and am going to be an elementary teacher and my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for several months now) It sounds very well thought out. However, I agree with some of the others that it would perhaps be best to wait a bit on the vasectomy. I'm not trying to undermine your decision, but you could change your mind and reversing a vasectomy is pricy and doesn't always work. Whatever you do, please don't feel bad about your mother-in-law. I'm sure she'll be sad and it's wonderful that you don't want to disappoint her, but it's your life.


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## I_heart_Fraggles (Jun 17, 2011)

For Jason 30 has already passed and I am not to far behind. We have still not decided how or even if we will tell her. Yes she is very old fashioned and set in her ways. Both my in laws are like that. But the more we talk about not having children the happier it feels. Now if only Fraggles would not chew on the rug.


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## SablePoint (Jun 19, 2011)

*JadeIcing wrote: *


> Do it for you guys not for anyone else.


I agree. Having a child is not like getting a pet. Once you have a child, your whole lifestyle changes. It's a BIG EXPENSIVE responsibility, the child will be with you all your life. Not trying to sound like an arse, but baring a child is not worth anyone's emotions. Having a child is YOUR choice only.


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## NickZac (Jun 20, 2011)

Male vasectomies can be reversed relatively easily through a minor procedure; females not-so-much.

Biologically, 22-25 is about the prime age range to have children as complications are far lower than other ages. However, one can obviously have healthy children at younger and older ages, and lifestyle plays a major part.

If you feel that you are going to have a child for someone other than yourself, don't do it as that is begging for disaster. With that said, most people I know who have children tell me that it is the most rewarding experience of their life. I have a much different view but I am only one person in many.


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